Fic: A Room of Our Own. A "Puzzle" timestamp. J2. NC-17 2/2
Continued from here.
The restaurant is small and dark, which Jared appreciates because it means he can hold Jensen’s hand under the table without having to worry about hawk-eyed fangirls or reporters catching them at it. Their table is in a corner in the back, partly hidden by an enthusiastic fern, which makes it even better. Especially since Jensen is clearly on edge, tapping his fingers the way he does when he’s trying to compose himself. Jared takes his hand, squeezing it, and Jensen sucks in his breath, glancing at him with a strange look in his eyes. Like he’s happy Jared is there, but also apprehensive, for some reason.
Jared smiles at him and braids their fingers together. “You okay?”
“Yes. Good. I’m good.” Jensen swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing along his throat. “If the food is nice, we should go here on a date. Because we can.”
Jared quirks an eyebrow at the odd phrasing. “Sure. Next weekend?”
Jensen nods. “We can go to the bathroom. To kiss,” he clarifies when Jared blinks, confused.
“Sure. Or,” Jared adds and looks quickly around, making sure no one is looking their way, “we can do it here.” He leans over and kisses Jensen softly on the lips, smiling when he hears Jensen’s sharp intake of breath. When he pulls back Jensen is staring at him so shocked, Jared can’t help feeling slightly embarrassed. “Sorry. Was I too forward?”
Jensen licks his lips, shaking his head. “No. No. This isn’t Texas,” he adds in a low voice, as if to remind himself. It’s such an odd thing to say; if there’s one thing guaranteed to annoy Jensen, it’s people stating obvious facts. Jared is about to ask him what is going on, when the clicking sound of high heels reaches their ears. Judging by the way Jensen stiffens, intimate questions are probably better saved for later.
Jensen’s mother is smartly dressed, in a blue dress and jacket, with a string of pearls around her neck, making Jared feel grateful they’d put on suits, even if they skipped the ties. (Jensen feels better when they both go without, the possibility of obligatory ties is, for some reason, one of his greatest anxiety issues.) Jared stands up, biting his lip in frustration when Jensen remains stubbornly seated. From Donna’s raised eyebrow but resigned sigh he can tell she, too, expected Jensen to be more of a gentleman. They exchange cordial greetings as the waiter pulls out Donna’s chair for her and then brings them the menus.
The moment Jared sits down again Jensen grabs his hand under the table. It means Jared has to hold the menu in his left hand, but he manages. He pretends not to notice Donna’s slight frown when he orders red wine for the table. If she doesn’t like to drink, she doesn’t have to. And if she doesn’t like Jensen drinking… well, that’s her problem. It’s a wine Jared knows Jensen likes, and a little wine might help him relax.
They keep to small talk, Donna asking them about the set and crew, who’s directing, what they think of the writers, whether they know what to expect from the season. It’s clear she keeps well informed about her son’s projects, naming people he worked with on Smallville, even Dark Angel. Jensen keeps his answers short and less informative than she would like, judging by her probing. Jared fills in where he can, but it’s clear that she is looking for Jensen’s input, not his. Making sure her son is being treated right by everyone involved. It should make Jared feel grateful that she cares so much about the man he loves, but, honestly, he can’t help feeling a bit put out. If there was a problem, Jared would be the first to step up and address it, she must know that.
Donna asks about Danneel and listens patiently to Jensen rant about his ‘girlfriend’s’ continued absence, caused by her prolonged role on One Tree Hill. Jared shifts, feeling uncomfortable. He’s not sure what Jensen expects Danneel to be doing if she was back, apart from taking Jensen out on the occasional date to keep up the straight image. Frankly, Jared is not sure he could go along with Jensen going on dates with anyone, even Danneel, no matter how fake they’d be. Jared ‘broke up’ with Sandy a long time ago and, until now, he’d thought Jensen had come to the same agreement with Danneel, but apparently not. Maybe Jensen still expects her to step in when needed. The PCAs are coming up, not that they’re even nominated, but they might be expected to show up. And going together, just the two of them, is bound to make their agents nervous.
“Jensen,” Donna interrupts, when Jensen finally takes a break to breathe, “you know she’s not your girlfriend anymore.” Jared lets out a breath he didn’t even realize he’d been holding, and she gives him a small smile before continuing, “I was only asking if you knew how she was doing.”
Jensen grumbles, muttering, “She left me,” in a petulant voice that would make Jared smile under other circumstances.
“She resigned her position,” Donna corrects, “because you didn’t need her anymore.” She smiles and tilts her head in Jared’s direction. “Plus, you got someone better.”
Jensen looks at Jared, like he’s only now remembering him being there. “Yes. I don’t have to pay him,” Jensen agrees, as if that’s the only bonus he can think of. Something must have shown on Jared’s face. because Jensen blinks and adds, “And I love him.”
Jared’s heart stutters in surprise. He’d expected Jensen to bring up their sex life, or Jared’s penis size, as examples of benefits Danneel would not be able to provide, but he never expected Jensen to mention love. Of course he knows Jensen loves him, after what happened last month Jensen has been practicing when to say it. (“You know, you can just say it whenever you feel like it.” “I feel it all the time. I can’t say it all the time.”) But to say it, unprompted, in front of his mother of all people. Jared had no idea how much he needed to hear it like that, until he did.
“I love you, too,” he says softly, palming Jensen’s neck and drawing him in for a kiss, spectators be damned. Jensen kisses him back, then pulls away and says, “Ditto,” with the biggest grin on his face.
Jared laughs. “Dork.”
He jumps when Donna clears her throat. She looks tense, lips thin. He gives her a sheepish smile, his hand still resting on the back of Jensen’s neck. “Sorry.”
She shakes her head, eyes on Jensen. “We’re in public,” she says, voice low but stern. “Jensen, you know-“
Jensen stands up, so abruptly his chair tumbles over with a clatter. His cheeks have gone red, his hands are visibly trembling. “We’re leaving,” he snaps, throwing a handful of bills on the table, way more than their hardly touched food costs. “Jared, come on.”
“Jensen, sit down,” his mother hisses. “You’re causing a scene. People are watching.”
“This is Vancouver!” Jensen hisses back. “He’s my boyfriend. My boyfriend! And we can do whatever the hell we want!”
He grabs Jared’s hand, pulling him to his feet and away. Jared wants to protest, wants to try and smooth things over, but clearly there’s something going on here that he doesn’t understand, and he’d rather give Jensen the benefit of the doubt than make him think Jared’s siding with Donna. He throws Jensen’s stricken mother a stiff smile and allows Jensen to drag him through the restaurant, ignoring for now his still growling stomach. There hadn’t really been much chance to eat during the day, not with their impromptu marathon sex session, and they’d only just received their pizzas, which, by the way, had looked delicious.
They walk the dark streets for a while, Jensen still clutching Jared’s hand so hard it’s starting to hurt, his steps so determined even Jared’s long legs have trouble keeping up. Finally Jensen slows down, probably because he’s getting tired rather than because he’s calmed down, judging by his still tight grip.
“Want to tell me what that was about?” Jared asks, rubbing his thumb over the back of Jensen’s hand. “You know she’s just looking out for you.”
Jensen sucks in his breath. “You held hands with Sandy. You kissed her, in front of cameras. The fans thought you were ‘an adorable couple’.”
“It was all for show,” Jared reminds him gently, if a little perplexed. Jensen can hardly be jealous about that, not anymore. It’s been over a year. “You did the same with Danneel.”
Jensen dismisses that with an irritated wave, clearly that’s not what he meant. “No one would ever have killed you. Not even in Texas.”
Jared blinks. What? “Why would anyone have wanted to kill me and Sandy?”
“They wouldn’t have. Because you were ‘straight’.”
Jared slows his steps, feeling slightly sick to his stomach. He’s starting to get an idea where Jensen is heading with this even if he still doesn’t understand why it has Jensen so upset. “And we’re not,” he says softly, and Jensen blows out his breath. “So, we shouldn’t hold hands or kiss in public?”
“We are not allowed. Not in Texas. They would kill us in Texas. But we’re not in Texas, we’re in Canada. So we could. If we weren’t famous,” Jensen adds, sounding slightly defeated. “Hollywood hates homosexuals.”
Now there’s a not-so-nice reminder from their past. “We’re not that famous,” Jared argues lamely, but he thinks he finally understands where Jensen is coming from. “So, your parents don’t want you to be out.”
“People get killed,” Jensen points out, voice strangled. “Gay people get killed. Or hurt really, really bad. Because they’re not careful. Because they flaunt what they are. It happens. All the time.”
“Yes,” Jared allows, feeling horribly sad all of a sudden. “It does. And not just in Texas. But,” he continues when Jensen opens his mouth to argue, “people get killed and hurt all the time for other things as well. Or for no reason at all. Doesn’t mean they just lock themselves up and never go out to do anything.”
“It’s different,” Jensen says, voice flat. “We’re different. I’m more different than most so I have to be extra careful. Not flaunting what I am.”
He’s making Jared’s heart hurt. “They told you that?”
“Yes. I wanted to have sex with my teacher,” Jensen tells him, and Jared promptly trips over his own feet. “Everyone got really mad. My parents set a lot of rules.”
“Like?” Jared chokes out, still trying to get his head around Jensen’s words. His teacher? When? What happened? God, the images shooting through his mind are horrifying.
“Like not doing anything until I was eighteen,” Jensen says. “And to not let anyone see me be gay.” He swallows. “I turned the lights off in my room before masturbating, just in case the government was watching. The government also hates gay people, you know.”
Jared is too stunned to say anything, which Jensen must interpret differently because he adds, voice defensive, “Josh and Mac didn’t have to follow the rules, because they were straight. Still are,” he clarifies when Jared just blinks at him.
“Can we sit?” Jared asks, spotting a bench under some trees. It’s cold and dark and the bench is wet, but he really has to sit down for this. “Okay, so let me get this straight: You were caught flirting with your teacher - you didn’t actually have sex or anything?” he asks, just to be sure.
“I wasn’t eighteen. We met again when I was in college. We had sex then.” Jensen glances over at Jared, like he’s worried Jared will be jealous, and adds, “He had a very small penis.”
Jared swallows the bile in his throat. He wants to ask how old the teacher was at the time, how young Jensen was the first time the creep hit on him. Wants to ask for the bastard’s name so he can fly to Texas and bash his head in. But Jensen has had enough shame thrown his way without Jared adding to it, no matter how sick the thought of teenage Jensen being taken advantage of by his goddamn teacher makes Jared feel.
“Okay. So,” he says, pushing his anger away for now, “they found out you were gay and told you you had to follow special rules in order to keep it a secret, because being gay is dangerous and gets people killed.”
“Yes, all the time. That’s why people like us shouldn’t flaunt their relationships. But it’s different here. Gay people hold hands, even kiss, in the streets, everywhere. I’ve seen them do it. Canada isn’t dangerous. Gay people get married here. To each other.” He sounds slightly awed, like he’s talking about a magical fairyland.
“Yes, they do.” Jared falls silent, trying to figure out what to say. “Jensen, do you want to be out? I mean, not just to your parents, and me, and our friends, but to everyone? Even the fans.”
Jensen looks away. “My family lives in Texas. Nana lives in Texas. If I were out, I could never go visit.”
Jared closes his eyes, rubbing the bridge of his nose. He’s getting a headache, he can feel it lurking behind his eyeballs. “Jensen, there are plenty of gay people in Texas. Even out and proud ones. It’s not the most tolerate of states, no, but they still manage. Without getting killed.”
Jensen shakes his head. “A gay man got killed in Richardson. In the park, just a few miles from our street. They cut his penis off. His penis! That’s what would happen to me. Dad told me-”
“People get killed for other reasons too, you know,” Jared cuts in before Jensen gets too worked up to listen. “Reasons that have nothing to do with their sexuality. But you didn’t answer my question. If no one was out to kill you, if no one even cared, would you want to be out?”
Jensen hesitates then says, “Yes.”
Jared breathes in, slowly. “Okay. Why?”
“Because I love you, and I want to hold your hand and kiss you whenever I feel like it. Not just when no one can see us.”
Like before, the word ‘love’ clutches Jared’s heart like a fist. “I would like that, too,” he says, bringing Jensen’s hand to his lips, kissing the soft skin between the thumb and index finger. “Because it’s not flaunting. It’s being together. And we have as much right to that as anyone.”
Jensen hitches his breath. “Yes.”
Jared takes a deep breath. “And if you ever decide you really want to come out, to everyone, that’s what we’ll do. Together.”
Jensen stares at him, clearly taken aback. “Your family is also in Texas. You could never visit them again.”
“Yes, I could,” Jared assures him. “And you could, too. I promise, that wouldn’t change. But they’re not my only family. You’re also my family. The most important part of it. We make our own family. And it’s ours to decide what is best for our family. You and me. Okay?”
Jensen nods, his breathing sounding a little wet in the dark. “Yes.”
“And, because we’re in Canada, I’m going to kiss you right now, right here, in public. Even if someone might see us and call the press.”
“Hollywood -” Jensen starts, but Jared cuts him off with, “Can go fuck itself,” before pulling Jensen close and kissing him breathless.
“Well, yes. I am disappointed. I expected you to be more careful,” Donna admonishes, making Jared grit his teeth. “Jensen doesn’t really think of the consequences, but you-”
“With all due respect,” Jared cuts in, not feeling any need to be respectful at the moment, “Jensen thinks way too much of the consequences. He thinks he has to hide who he is or someone will kill him! Because that’s what you told him would happen when you found out he was gay.”
There’s silence on the other end of the line. Then Donna says, “It was the early nineties. You are only a few years younger than him, I assume you know what it was like back home. Still is in many ways,” she adds, sounding tired. “But even if it hadn’t been, even if it had happened today… Jensen is not like you. He’s not like anyone. You don’t know what it was like. Imagine a fifteen-year-old boy, a beautiful boy. Naïve. Trusting. Believing anyone who talks to him to be his friend. It was terrifying. Still is. The world is a cruel place, Jared, it’s our job as parents to keep our son safe. There are things he doesn’t understand-”
“And there are things he shouldn’t be made to believe. Like that holding my hand will get him killed. I mean, seriously?” Jared runs his fingers through his hair, feeling frustrated. “Look, I get it. He was a kid heading into a potentially dangerous situation, but he’s twenty-nine years old now. He might be different, but he’s not a child. And he’s anything but stupid. He understands the risks. But he shouldn’t be made to feel like he should hide who he is, like it’s a dirty secret. If he wants to be out, that’s his to decide. No one else’s.”
She gasps. “What? Jared, he can’t come out! You know he can’t. Oh God. His career would be over. It’s hard enough for him to get work now. If he comes out, it’s all over. Jared, you have to explain that to him!”
“I don’t have to explain anything to him,” Jared says calmly. “He understands it well enough, probably better than I do. And I’m not saying he wants to come out, not now anyway. But some day he might. And if he does, I’m gonna be right there with him.”
“You… you would come out in public? For him?” she asks, clearly stunned.
“For both of us. If that’s what he wants, yeah. Of course I would. We’re together.” Frankly, he’s a little insulted by the question. What did she think this was, a fling?
“You really do love him.”
The words are spoken softly, low, like she never expected it to happen to her son. Jared rolls his eyes at the absurdity. Honestly, it’s like they’ve never even met Jensen! How could Jared not love him?
“I do. Ma’am, I’d marry him tomorrow if he believed in the institution and didn’t think it was an outdated form of slavery. His words, not mine.”
She laughs, sounding slightly choked up. “You know, we’ve always been so worried about what would happen to him after we… We never imagined he’d find anyone.”
“I know.”
After all, Jensen told him once that everyone, including himself, had expected him to die alone. Apparently Jensen had been fine with that. At least he’d said he’d been. Now though… Jared suspects Jensen would be just as lost without him as he would be without Jensen. And still, despite everything, he knows Jensen expects him to one day leave him for someone else. Someone normal. Because no matter how often Jared tells Jensen he loves him, Jensen still believes himself to be too weird for anyone to be able to tolerate for an extended period of time. It’s like he doesn’t get how much Jared loves his eccentricities. After all, they’re a big part of what makes him who he is.
“But this is not the time, “she says. “He has to be careful.”
“I know. We both do. And we are. But I have to be frank, ma’am, I am waiting for the time when we don’t have to be. I’m hoping for everyone’s sake that it’s sooner rather than later.” He hesitates then adds, “You need to understand, it’s very hard to live like this. It’s not something you can ask of a person, no matter how much you fear for them. If, and when, he wants to come out, it won’t be because he doesn’t understand the consequences, it will be because he can’t stand living a lie anymore.”
“Keeping his personal life private is not a lie,” she protests. “He’s a private person. We are a private family. We keep our personal lives within the privacy of our home.”
“With all due respect, ma’am, you can kiss your husband on the front porch if you like. Jensen didn’t even dare turn on the lights in his own damn room. How’s that for different definitions of ‘private’?”
She doesn’t say anything but Jared can hear her miffed breathing on the other end, and he sighs.
“I know it’s hard to understand but can you just… try to imagine what it would be like? If tomorrow you woke up, and your marriage was a crime, and your love for your husband considered so ugly and shameful you could never let anyone see how much you care about each other? Because that’s the life you are asking him to live. That’s the life we are living right now.”
“I didn’t know you felt that way about us,” she says finally, her voice icy. “That you considered us such horribly judgmental people. Such awful parents.”
“That is not what I’m saying,” he protests quickly. “No. I know you only want the best for him. That’s why I’m telling you this: He needs to know that he can still come home, no matter what happens. That is all I’m asking, that you let him know you’ll stand by him, if and when the time comes.”
“Of course we will! He’s our son!” she says, voice rising. “We would never turn our backs on him! What sort of parents do you think we are?”
“For all I knew you could be like mine,” Jared says flatly. “I’m very happy to hear you’re not.”
“Jared,” she says softly, her anger gone, just like that. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”
“Yeah, well… We’re more or less okay. As long as I don’t mention Jensen and keep everything private, they can pretend I’m normal, and I can pretend they still love me.”
“I’m sure they still do-” she starts, but he cuts her off.
“It doesn’t matter.” He hears a rustle by the door and clears his throat. “I’ll let him know you called. Goodbye.” He turns the phone off and slides it into his pocket. “I thought you were asleep.”
Silence. Then, “I woke up. You didn’t tell me.”
Jared wipes quickly at his eyes before turning around. “Tell you what?”
Jensen is hovering in the doorway, eyes downcast, his breathing fast and shallow. “That you were out to your, your, your, your....” He slams the heel of his hand into his forehead. “Parents. You never said.” He swallows. “Why didn’t you say?”
Jared steps forward but stops when Jensen shrinks back. “I didn’t want you to worry,” he says gently. Jensen looks downright devastated, and Jared can’t figure out why. “I know how you feel about family. Even if you like yours better at a distance.” He tries for a smile, however crooked.
Jensen doesn’t smile back. He keeps swallowing, eyes blinking rapidly. “You can, you can go back to, to Sandy,” he says, his voice breaking. “Then, then you don’t have to pretend anything.”
Ah.
Jared reaches out his hand, and after a long while Jensen hesitantly steps forward and takes it. Jared pulls him close, relieved when Jensen doesn’t resist but melts into the embrace, like he’s afraid it’s the last one he’ll get.
“But I would. I would have to pretend to be happy when really, I would be so heartbroken that nothing in the world could ever make me smile, ever again. Except you taking me back.” He blinks tears out of his eyes when he feels Jensen shudder in his arms. “Jensen, I’ve told you. You’re my family. You’re the only family I need. Because you love me for who I am. And I love you so, so much.”
“Love me. So much. So, so much,” Jensen murmurs softly to himself, his breath hitching, and Jared almost starts crying again.
“I love you more than anyone else in the whole world,” he assures him. “Way more than any of them.”
“They’re stupid, stupid people,” Jensen chokes out.
Jared sighs. “Yeah. Yeah, they are.”
Jensen pulls away, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hands. “We’ll just stay here,” he says, nodding his head with fierce determination. “In Canada. Even if it’s very cold,” he adds with a small frown. “And they don’t know how to make a decent steak.”
That makes Jared smile. “If you never go home to Texas, your folks will continue to come visit you here,” he points out.
Jensen scowls. “Damn.”
“Yep. Come on. You talking about steak made me extra hungry. Pizza?” He laughs when Jensen just looks at him. “What am I saying? Of course, it’s still pizza day.”
Jensen sits on the couch, hands on his knees, slowly rocking back and forth. His stomach says he’s hungry, but he’s only been able to nibble at the pizza. Jared keeps sending him concerned looks, but he doesn’t touch him, for which Jensen is grateful. It’s been an anxious day, and he just can’t seem to shed the tension out of his body or the fear out of his mind.
It’s been his greatest fear, ever since he realized that he loved Jared, that Jared would leave him. In fact, he’s been so sure that it’s only a matter of time, that sometimes, when Jared runs late coming home, or when Jensen wakes up and Jared is not beside him in their bed, the fear that Jared is gone, has left without a word, grabs Jensen so tight he can’t breathe. And then won’t speak when Jared does show up, because he knows he’ll only throw angry insults at him because how dares Jared scare him like that? He knows it’s not rational, he knows! He hates his brain for playing such stupid fucking tricks on him. Fucking idiotic brain. He’s supposed to be smart not some fucking, fucking toddler! So to keep himself quiet he gives Jared blowjobs, or, when that is not enough, goes into his closet and screams his fear into his thickest jacket, so Jared won’t hear.
But…
He closes his eyes, rocking a little faster.
Jared wouldn’t have said it if he didn’t mean it. He’d never lie about something like that. Would he? Jensen swallows and closes his eyes for a moment, breathing slowly. He can’t stand it. He has to know. Because if it’s true, if they would, then Jared doesn’t actually plan to leave him, ever.
“Would you really marry me tomorrow?”
Jared pulls his beer away from his mouth without taking a sip, puts the bottle back on the table and turns to Jensen. “How long were you listening?”
Jensen shakes his head. That doesn’t matter. “Would you?” He holds his breath.
Jared pries one of Jensen’s hands lose from where he’s been painfully clutching his knees and holds it in his own, braiding their fingers together. “Yes. I would.”
Jensen sucks in a shaky breath. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. Are you proposing?”
Jensen glances over, but Jared isn’t laughing. He’s watching him, calm and questioning. Jensen shakes his head. “No.” Jared smiles but something in his eyes makes Jensen add, “Not now. Maybe later.”
The smile grows bigger. “Yeah? What about it being an outdated form of slavery.”
Jensen frowns. “Not for us.”
Jared laughs. “Of course not.” He brings Jensen’s hand to his lips and kisses the knuckles. “Well, whenever you’re ready, just say the words.”
Jensen leans over and kisses Jared quickly on the lips before pulling his hand free and picking up a slice of pizza. He’s really, really hungry. Takes him a while to realize Jared is still watching him, but when he looks over Jared just smiles softly and doesn’t say a word.
“Well, honey, I’m still glad I came, even if we didn’t see much of each other,” Jensen’s mother says, holding his hands in her own, seeking eye contact which he clearly doesn’t want to give her. Looking for an apology when frankly, she should be the one giving it.
Jared holds his tongue, barely.
“We went for a walk yesterday,” Jensen argues. “We had coffee this morning.”
“Well, when it comes to my children I can never get enough,” she says. “Maybe you can come home for Christmas. Both of you,” she adds and gives Jared a hopeful smile. He smiles politely but doesn’t say anything. That will be for Jensen to decide.
“We would hold hands. And kiss,” Jensen dismisses. “Not outside, because it’s Texas, but inside. You wouldn’t like it.”
“I wouldn’t care, honey. I mean it,” she says when he looks skeptical. “I just want you home with us. We miss you.”
Jensen seems pensive but then he shakes his head. “Uncle Bill would be mean to Jared.”
The guilty look on her face is there and gone so quickly Jared’s not sure he really saw it. “If your uncle has a problem with you, or Jared, he can spend Christmas elsewhere.”
Jensen frowns. “He’s always had a problem with me, and he always spends Christmas with us. I’ve told you. Many times.”
She bows her head, closing her eyes briefly before looking back up at him with genuine regret in her eyes. “I’m sorry. I’ll talk to him, I promise.” She squeezes his hands. “Will you at least think about it?”
Jensen looks at Jared, whose eyes, he notes, Jensen has no trouble meeting. Jared gives him a small smile and a shrug. As much as he loves Jensen, Christmas last year, with just the two of them, had been rather lonely. He missed the loudness and exuberance of his own family, even if he doubts they missed him, as wrapped up in their damn bigotry as they are. Spending it with Jensen’s family wouldn’t be the same but still. It’s family, even if it’s not his own.
“Maybe,” Jensen says. “If Jared wants to.” He pulls his hands out of his mother’s grip, and she reluctantly lets go then inhales softly in surprise when he puts his arms around her and hugs her, briefly, before stepping back. “You should go now.”
She blinks rapidly, tears shining in her eyes. “All right, honey. I’ll call you on Wednesday. Jared.” She hugs him, and he has to bow down for her to reach properly. “Thank you,” she whispers. And then she’s gone, dragging the small suitcase behind her to the check-in. Curtesy tells Jared to wait until she’s disappeared from view, but Jensen has already turned around and is walking away towards the exit so Jared hurries after him.
“Are you okay?” he asks in a low voice, and Jensen nods, even if he’s clearly not. Jared lets it be for now. They can talk when they get home.
They’re in the car, halfway home, when Jensen says suddenly, “He calls me sissy. And pretty boy. I’ve told them I don’t like it, many times.” He looks out the window. “He calls me fag. And, and retard. When they can’t hear him.”
Jared’s knuckles whiten on the steering wheel. “Who is this, your mom’s brother?”
“Yes. He doesn’t have a family. That’s why he’s always with us. Every holiday. Always. Since I was little.” Jensen swallows. “Always saying things.”
“And your parents don’t do anything?” Jared asks incredulous.
“They say, ‘Bill, stop it.’ He says, ‘I’m just kidding. I’m just having fun.’” Jensen’s knee starts jumping. “‘The boy’s too sensitive.’” The fingers on his right hand tap his thumb, faster and faster. “I was a boy but I’m not anymore. I’m an adult. I’m a man. But he always calls me boy. Like I’m still a kid. Even if I’m not.” He swallows again. “Still don’t like the things he says.”
Jared has to take a deep breath to keep himself from roaring. “Your uncle Bill sounds like a real fucking jerk,” he manages to choke out, more calmly than he’d expected.
The fingers slow slightly down. “Yes. A real damn fucking jerk.” Jensen looks over at Jared, face determined. “I won’t let him say those things to you. Not you. Although he wouldn’t call you, call you a retard,” he adds quietly.
“He shouldn’t be calling anyone any of those things!” Jared snaps, unable to rein in his rage any longer. If he’d known about this before Mrs. Ackles left, he would not have managed to be civil to her. He would have … Fuck! How can they let that bigoted asshole treat Jensen that way? In his own home! Ever since he was a kid! “If I ever hear him - or anyone! - say anything like that to you, I’ll kick their fucking teeth in!”
Jensen quickly puts his hands over his ears and starts rocking back and forth, eyes squeezed shut.
Shit.
Jared pulls over, breathing deeply to quell his anger. “I’m sorry,” he says, keeping his voice low. “I didn’t mean to get loud. I just got so angry. Not at you.”
“I know. I know, I know, I know.” Jensen pulls his left hand away from his ear long enough to raise one finger.
Jared leans back with his eyes closed and practices his breathing while he waits for Jensen to calm down. He feels guilty, and then he feels angry for feeling guilty for a very natural reaction to what some fucking asshole did. Then he has to calm himself down again. When his hands have finally stopped shaking, he puts the car in gear and drives them home.
By the time Jensen drops his hands in his lap and leans back in his seat, eyes still closed, they’ve been parked in their driveway long enough that it’s starting to get cold.
“Okay?” Jared asks. Jensen nods but the fingers on his right hand are back to tapping. Jared takes Jensen’s left hand, still lying idly on Jensen’s lap, and weaves their fingers together. “I’m sorry I got so loud.”
“It’s okay. I didn’t know you’d get so angry.”
“I just don’t like people being mean to you. I mean, I don’t like people being mean to anyone but especially not you. Because I love you,” he adds quickly when Jensen opens his mouth since Jared knows by now what Jensen is going to say. ‘Because I’m weird.’ Even if yeah, Jensen’s situation does have a lot to do with it. Bullying someone for being different is just grade A asshole behavior. But allowing that asshole to bully your son, right in front of you? Who the fuck does that?
“You’d have been angry a lot when I was in school,” Jensen says matter-of-factly and Jared’s heart hurts yet again. “If you’d been there. With me.”
“Nah, I would have beaten up the first one that tried, and that would have been the end of that,” Jared says, keeping his voice light and teasing, when he’s feeling anything but.
“And we would have been best friends,” Jensen says, smiling wistfully.
“Yep. And I would have been wildly in love with you, before I even hit puberty.”
Jensen laughs softly. “And I would have been in love with you, but thought you only wanted to be my friend.”
Jared grins. “Wow, we would have been really stupid kids.”
Jensen glances at him then looks away. “But happy,” he says. “I would, I would have been happy.”
Jared raises their joined hands and presses the back of Jensen’s hand to his cheek before kissing it softly. “Yeah. Me too.”
Jensen looks at his hand, then up at Jared and suddenly there’s heat like fire in his eyes. He grabs Jared by the back of the neck and pulls him in for a hard kiss, not letting go until Jared is gasping for breath. “We should go inside. There’s not enough room in here for sex.”
“Yeah, ok,” Jared chokes out and quickly gets out.
It’s hard to say which one is more desperate. They stumble through the door, fingers already fighting to get each other’s clothes off, feet kicking shoes to wherever they land. They never even make it to the bedroom, just stumble on to the couch, t-shirts half off, jeans fallen to their knees.
“Take your pants off,” Jensen says, while kicking his own jeans off. “I want you to fuck me.”
“I’m so glad you’ve stopped saying ‘Put your penis in my anus’,” Jared laughs while struggling to get his underwear down mid-thigh. “It was so not sexy.”
“It was accurate,” Jensen argues. “The word fuck is a lot more ambiguous.”
“Not the way I do it,” Jared assures him, fumbling between the cushions for the tube of lube he knows he left there. Yes!
“Literally the word fuck means-”
“Jensen, please shut up and pull your knees up.”
“I can talk with my knees up,” Jensen says, sounding a little miffed but then it turns out he can’t, not when Jared’s fingers are scissoring him open. Even less when Jared is fucking Jensen so hard the couch moves at least ten inches across the floor. By then he seems to have forgotten what it was he wanted to talk about anyway.
Jared loves fucking Jensen on his back, watching the different emotions on Jensen’s otherwise often blank face. He thinks having sex might be the only time Jensen’s brain takes a break and allows him to just be, allows him to live in the moment, feeling everything that’s happening to the fullest. Even if what’s happening is just having an orgasm. Like right about …
“Jared?” Jensen gasps, hands gripping Jared’s hips so tight he’s sure to have bruises come tomorrow. “Now?”
God, Jared loves him so much his heart might just explode. “Yes, baby. Now would be the perfect moment.”
Jensen gasps another breath, closing his eyes briefly before looking straight into Jared’s waiting gaze. “I love you.”
… now!
“Oh God, I love you too. I love you so much. I love you, I love you, I love you!”
She’s about to fall asleep, her husband already snoring by her side, when her phone pings, announcing an email. She means to ignore it, it’s late and she is exhausted from the flight. Getting older is certainly not doing her any favors. But one look at the name and she’s reaching for her glasses, feeling anxious. Jensen hardly ever sends emails. And never this late.
She’s used to the matter-of-fact tone of her son’s writing, but the words still hit her brutally hard. By the time the letter ends, with an abrupt: “Jensen,” there are tears in her eyes. Tears of horror and anger and guilt. God, she feels so sick with guilt she can taste the bile in her throat. She knew her brother had been giving Jensen a hard time, but he’s always been a bit of a jerk. Certainly bullied her enough when they were kids. She’s tried to restrain him, but they hardly ever see each other, and Christmas is a time for family, not fighting. But she never imagined he was spitting out such vile, horrible, disgusting things when she was out of earshot. Although she should have known, seeing as Jensen had complained, repeatedly, about his uncle ‘saying things,’ and he hardly ever complains about the way people behave towards him. Despite having had to endure plenty of harassment, his whole life.
From the kids at school when he was small, to strangers on the street as an adult. For being different, being famous, being beautiful. They did what they could about the bullying at school, but as long as it didn’t turn physical, they considered themselves lucky. She’s just never worried as much about words as she does about action. Because her boy had been so beautiful, so innocent, so naïve, she had nightmares about the things that could happen to him. As a child but also when he grew up and the attention shifted to a wider demographic.
There’s a reason why he never goes alone to auditions. One sordid offer on the casting couch (which he says he turned down, but he’s never been willing to tell her exactly what happened, and sometimes she wants to scream, she’s so afraid for him) was enough for them to put safeguards to ensure that never happened again. Once he started getting parts and recognition there was added attention he never asked for and didn’t want. Promo photos she never should have accepted on his behalf. Social functions that had him panicking with anxiety. Fans that wanted more than anyone is entitled to. She never much minded the lovesick girls, except for in how they made Jensen feel anxious and uncomfortable. It was the men, lurking outside the sets, accosting him in restaurants, with their sleazy behavior and disgusting propositions. And so they got him ‘girlfriends’ who knew how to handle not only Jensen but whatever unwanted attention he attracted wherever they went.
All his life they have done what they can to keep him safe, as little control as they have over what happens out there, away from their reach. And all the while he’d had to endure verbal abuse in his own home. And they just let it happen!
God, if she had the bastard - her own brother! - standing in front of her, right now, she’d breathe fire of fury into his smug face. She wants to drive over to his house, right now - although it’s close to midnight and it’s more than an hour’s drive - and slap him so hard he’ll be red-cheeked until Christmas. Which he is certainly not invited to! Not now, not ever again. The fucking bastard!
She looks over at her husband, still asleep. He would sleep through hellfire, now that they’re alone in the house and no longer spend the nights half-conscious, listening in case one of the children needs them. If she wakes him up now and shows him Jensen’s email, she has no idea how he’ll react, but it won’t be pretty. (She might just go and hide the gun before she tells him. Just as a precaution.) Better to wait until morning. Even if that means she might stay awake alone all night, wrapped up in her anger and guilt.
She takes a deep breath and writes back, keeping it short and precise, the way Jensen prefers: “Thank you for telling me, darling. I am so sorry we didn’t properly listen to you before. Your uncle Bill will not be coming to our house again. I love you. Give my best to Jared. Good night and sweet dreams. Mom.”
Then she puts away her phone and her glasses, lies back and allows the tears to fall unhindered until she falls asleep.
fin
The restaurant is small and dark, which Jared appreciates because it means he can hold Jensen’s hand under the table without having to worry about hawk-eyed fangirls or reporters catching them at it. Their table is in a corner in the back, partly hidden by an enthusiastic fern, which makes it even better. Especially since Jensen is clearly on edge, tapping his fingers the way he does when he’s trying to compose himself. Jared takes his hand, squeezing it, and Jensen sucks in his breath, glancing at him with a strange look in his eyes. Like he’s happy Jared is there, but also apprehensive, for some reason.
Jared smiles at him and braids their fingers together. “You okay?”
“Yes. Good. I’m good.” Jensen swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing along his throat. “If the food is nice, we should go here on a date. Because we can.”
Jared quirks an eyebrow at the odd phrasing. “Sure. Next weekend?”
Jensen nods. “We can go to the bathroom. To kiss,” he clarifies when Jared blinks, confused.
“Sure. Or,” Jared adds and looks quickly around, making sure no one is looking their way, “we can do it here.” He leans over and kisses Jensen softly on the lips, smiling when he hears Jensen’s sharp intake of breath. When he pulls back Jensen is staring at him so shocked, Jared can’t help feeling slightly embarrassed. “Sorry. Was I too forward?”
Jensen licks his lips, shaking his head. “No. No. This isn’t Texas,” he adds in a low voice, as if to remind himself. It’s such an odd thing to say; if there’s one thing guaranteed to annoy Jensen, it’s people stating obvious facts. Jared is about to ask him what is going on, when the clicking sound of high heels reaches their ears. Judging by the way Jensen stiffens, intimate questions are probably better saved for later.
Jensen’s mother is smartly dressed, in a blue dress and jacket, with a string of pearls around her neck, making Jared feel grateful they’d put on suits, even if they skipped the ties. (Jensen feels better when they both go without, the possibility of obligatory ties is, for some reason, one of his greatest anxiety issues.) Jared stands up, biting his lip in frustration when Jensen remains stubbornly seated. From Donna’s raised eyebrow but resigned sigh he can tell she, too, expected Jensen to be more of a gentleman. They exchange cordial greetings as the waiter pulls out Donna’s chair for her and then brings them the menus.
The moment Jared sits down again Jensen grabs his hand under the table. It means Jared has to hold the menu in his left hand, but he manages. He pretends not to notice Donna’s slight frown when he orders red wine for the table. If she doesn’t like to drink, she doesn’t have to. And if she doesn’t like Jensen drinking… well, that’s her problem. It’s a wine Jared knows Jensen likes, and a little wine might help him relax.
They keep to small talk, Donna asking them about the set and crew, who’s directing, what they think of the writers, whether they know what to expect from the season. It’s clear she keeps well informed about her son’s projects, naming people he worked with on Smallville, even Dark Angel. Jensen keeps his answers short and less informative than she would like, judging by her probing. Jared fills in where he can, but it’s clear that she is looking for Jensen’s input, not his. Making sure her son is being treated right by everyone involved. It should make Jared feel grateful that she cares so much about the man he loves, but, honestly, he can’t help feeling a bit put out. If there was a problem, Jared would be the first to step up and address it, she must know that.
Donna asks about Danneel and listens patiently to Jensen rant about his ‘girlfriend’s’ continued absence, caused by her prolonged role on One Tree Hill. Jared shifts, feeling uncomfortable. He’s not sure what Jensen expects Danneel to be doing if she was back, apart from taking Jensen out on the occasional date to keep up the straight image. Frankly, Jared is not sure he could go along with Jensen going on dates with anyone, even Danneel, no matter how fake they’d be. Jared ‘broke up’ with Sandy a long time ago and, until now, he’d thought Jensen had come to the same agreement with Danneel, but apparently not. Maybe Jensen still expects her to step in when needed. The PCAs are coming up, not that they’re even nominated, but they might be expected to show up. And going together, just the two of them, is bound to make their agents nervous.
“Jensen,” Donna interrupts, when Jensen finally takes a break to breathe, “you know she’s not your girlfriend anymore.” Jared lets out a breath he didn’t even realize he’d been holding, and she gives him a small smile before continuing, “I was only asking if you knew how she was doing.”
Jensen grumbles, muttering, “She left me,” in a petulant voice that would make Jared smile under other circumstances.
“She resigned her position,” Donna corrects, “because you didn’t need her anymore.” She smiles and tilts her head in Jared’s direction. “Plus, you got someone better.”
Jensen looks at Jared, like he’s only now remembering him being there. “Yes. I don’t have to pay him,” Jensen agrees, as if that’s the only bonus he can think of. Something must have shown on Jared’s face. because Jensen blinks and adds, “And I love him.”
Jared’s heart stutters in surprise. He’d expected Jensen to bring up their sex life, or Jared’s penis size, as examples of benefits Danneel would not be able to provide, but he never expected Jensen to mention love. Of course he knows Jensen loves him, after what happened last month Jensen has been practicing when to say it. (“You know, you can just say it whenever you feel like it.” “I feel it all the time. I can’t say it all the time.”) But to say it, unprompted, in front of his mother of all people. Jared had no idea how much he needed to hear it like that, until he did.
“I love you, too,” he says softly, palming Jensen’s neck and drawing him in for a kiss, spectators be damned. Jensen kisses him back, then pulls away and says, “Ditto,” with the biggest grin on his face.
Jared laughs. “Dork.”
He jumps when Donna clears her throat. She looks tense, lips thin. He gives her a sheepish smile, his hand still resting on the back of Jensen’s neck. “Sorry.”
She shakes her head, eyes on Jensen. “We’re in public,” she says, voice low but stern. “Jensen, you know-“
Jensen stands up, so abruptly his chair tumbles over with a clatter. His cheeks have gone red, his hands are visibly trembling. “We’re leaving,” he snaps, throwing a handful of bills on the table, way more than their hardly touched food costs. “Jared, come on.”
“Jensen, sit down,” his mother hisses. “You’re causing a scene. People are watching.”
“This is Vancouver!” Jensen hisses back. “He’s my boyfriend. My boyfriend! And we can do whatever the hell we want!”
He grabs Jared’s hand, pulling him to his feet and away. Jared wants to protest, wants to try and smooth things over, but clearly there’s something going on here that he doesn’t understand, and he’d rather give Jensen the benefit of the doubt than make him think Jared’s siding with Donna. He throws Jensen’s stricken mother a stiff smile and allows Jensen to drag him through the restaurant, ignoring for now his still growling stomach. There hadn’t really been much chance to eat during the day, not with their impromptu marathon sex session, and they’d only just received their pizzas, which, by the way, had looked delicious.
They walk the dark streets for a while, Jensen still clutching Jared’s hand so hard it’s starting to hurt, his steps so determined even Jared’s long legs have trouble keeping up. Finally Jensen slows down, probably because he’s getting tired rather than because he’s calmed down, judging by his still tight grip.
“Want to tell me what that was about?” Jared asks, rubbing his thumb over the back of Jensen’s hand. “You know she’s just looking out for you.”
Jensen sucks in his breath. “You held hands with Sandy. You kissed her, in front of cameras. The fans thought you were ‘an adorable couple’.”
“It was all for show,” Jared reminds him gently, if a little perplexed. Jensen can hardly be jealous about that, not anymore. It’s been over a year. “You did the same with Danneel.”
Jensen dismisses that with an irritated wave, clearly that’s not what he meant. “No one would ever have killed you. Not even in Texas.”
Jared blinks. What? “Why would anyone have wanted to kill me and Sandy?”
“They wouldn’t have. Because you were ‘straight’.”
Jared slows his steps, feeling slightly sick to his stomach. He’s starting to get an idea where Jensen is heading with this even if he still doesn’t understand why it has Jensen so upset. “And we’re not,” he says softly, and Jensen blows out his breath. “So, we shouldn’t hold hands or kiss in public?”
“We are not allowed. Not in Texas. They would kill us in Texas. But we’re not in Texas, we’re in Canada. So we could. If we weren’t famous,” Jensen adds, sounding slightly defeated. “Hollywood hates homosexuals.”
Now there’s a not-so-nice reminder from their past. “We’re not that famous,” Jared argues lamely, but he thinks he finally understands where Jensen is coming from. “So, your parents don’t want you to be out.”
“People get killed,” Jensen points out, voice strangled. “Gay people get killed. Or hurt really, really bad. Because they’re not careful. Because they flaunt what they are. It happens. All the time.”
“Yes,” Jared allows, feeling horribly sad all of a sudden. “It does. And not just in Texas. But,” he continues when Jensen opens his mouth to argue, “people get killed and hurt all the time for other things as well. Or for no reason at all. Doesn’t mean they just lock themselves up and never go out to do anything.”
“It’s different,” Jensen says, voice flat. “We’re different. I’m more different than most so I have to be extra careful. Not flaunting what I am.”
He’s making Jared’s heart hurt. “They told you that?”
“Yes. I wanted to have sex with my teacher,” Jensen tells him, and Jared promptly trips over his own feet. “Everyone got really mad. My parents set a lot of rules.”
“Like?” Jared chokes out, still trying to get his head around Jensen’s words. His teacher? When? What happened? God, the images shooting through his mind are horrifying.
“Like not doing anything until I was eighteen,” Jensen says. “And to not let anyone see me be gay.” He swallows. “I turned the lights off in my room before masturbating, just in case the government was watching. The government also hates gay people, you know.”
Jared is too stunned to say anything, which Jensen must interpret differently because he adds, voice defensive, “Josh and Mac didn’t have to follow the rules, because they were straight. Still are,” he clarifies when Jared just blinks at him.
“Can we sit?” Jared asks, spotting a bench under some trees. It’s cold and dark and the bench is wet, but he really has to sit down for this. “Okay, so let me get this straight: You were caught flirting with your teacher - you didn’t actually have sex or anything?” he asks, just to be sure.
“I wasn’t eighteen. We met again when I was in college. We had sex then.” Jensen glances over at Jared, like he’s worried Jared will be jealous, and adds, “He had a very small penis.”
Jared swallows the bile in his throat. He wants to ask how old the teacher was at the time, how young Jensen was the first time the creep hit on him. Wants to ask for the bastard’s name so he can fly to Texas and bash his head in. But Jensen has had enough shame thrown his way without Jared adding to it, no matter how sick the thought of teenage Jensen being taken advantage of by his goddamn teacher makes Jared feel.
“Okay. So,” he says, pushing his anger away for now, “they found out you were gay and told you you had to follow special rules in order to keep it a secret, because being gay is dangerous and gets people killed.”
“Yes, all the time. That’s why people like us shouldn’t flaunt their relationships. But it’s different here. Gay people hold hands, even kiss, in the streets, everywhere. I’ve seen them do it. Canada isn’t dangerous. Gay people get married here. To each other.” He sounds slightly awed, like he’s talking about a magical fairyland.
“Yes, they do.” Jared falls silent, trying to figure out what to say. “Jensen, do you want to be out? I mean, not just to your parents, and me, and our friends, but to everyone? Even the fans.”
Jensen looks away. “My family lives in Texas. Nana lives in Texas. If I were out, I could never go visit.”
Jared closes his eyes, rubbing the bridge of his nose. He’s getting a headache, he can feel it lurking behind his eyeballs. “Jensen, there are plenty of gay people in Texas. Even out and proud ones. It’s not the most tolerate of states, no, but they still manage. Without getting killed.”
Jensen shakes his head. “A gay man got killed in Richardson. In the park, just a few miles from our street. They cut his penis off. His penis! That’s what would happen to me. Dad told me-”
“People get killed for other reasons too, you know,” Jared cuts in before Jensen gets too worked up to listen. “Reasons that have nothing to do with their sexuality. But you didn’t answer my question. If no one was out to kill you, if no one even cared, would you want to be out?”
Jensen hesitates then says, “Yes.”
Jared breathes in, slowly. “Okay. Why?”
“Because I love you, and I want to hold your hand and kiss you whenever I feel like it. Not just when no one can see us.”
Like before, the word ‘love’ clutches Jared’s heart like a fist. “I would like that, too,” he says, bringing Jensen’s hand to his lips, kissing the soft skin between the thumb and index finger. “Because it’s not flaunting. It’s being together. And we have as much right to that as anyone.”
Jensen hitches his breath. “Yes.”
Jared takes a deep breath. “And if you ever decide you really want to come out, to everyone, that’s what we’ll do. Together.”
Jensen stares at him, clearly taken aback. “Your family is also in Texas. You could never visit them again.”
“Yes, I could,” Jared assures him. “And you could, too. I promise, that wouldn’t change. But they’re not my only family. You’re also my family. The most important part of it. We make our own family. And it’s ours to decide what is best for our family. You and me. Okay?”
Jensen nods, his breathing sounding a little wet in the dark. “Yes.”
“And, because we’re in Canada, I’m going to kiss you right now, right here, in public. Even if someone might see us and call the press.”
“Hollywood -” Jensen starts, but Jared cuts him off with, “Can go fuck itself,” before pulling Jensen close and kissing him breathless.
“Well, yes. I am disappointed. I expected you to be more careful,” Donna admonishes, making Jared grit his teeth. “Jensen doesn’t really think of the consequences, but you-”
“With all due respect,” Jared cuts in, not feeling any need to be respectful at the moment, “Jensen thinks way too much of the consequences. He thinks he has to hide who he is or someone will kill him! Because that’s what you told him would happen when you found out he was gay.”
There’s silence on the other end of the line. Then Donna says, “It was the early nineties. You are only a few years younger than him, I assume you know what it was like back home. Still is in many ways,” she adds, sounding tired. “But even if it hadn’t been, even if it had happened today… Jensen is not like you. He’s not like anyone. You don’t know what it was like. Imagine a fifteen-year-old boy, a beautiful boy. Naïve. Trusting. Believing anyone who talks to him to be his friend. It was terrifying. Still is. The world is a cruel place, Jared, it’s our job as parents to keep our son safe. There are things he doesn’t understand-”
“And there are things he shouldn’t be made to believe. Like that holding my hand will get him killed. I mean, seriously?” Jared runs his fingers through his hair, feeling frustrated. “Look, I get it. He was a kid heading into a potentially dangerous situation, but he’s twenty-nine years old now. He might be different, but he’s not a child. And he’s anything but stupid. He understands the risks. But he shouldn’t be made to feel like he should hide who he is, like it’s a dirty secret. If he wants to be out, that’s his to decide. No one else’s.”
She gasps. “What? Jared, he can’t come out! You know he can’t. Oh God. His career would be over. It’s hard enough for him to get work now. If he comes out, it’s all over. Jared, you have to explain that to him!”
“I don’t have to explain anything to him,” Jared says calmly. “He understands it well enough, probably better than I do. And I’m not saying he wants to come out, not now anyway. But some day he might. And if he does, I’m gonna be right there with him.”
“You… you would come out in public? For him?” she asks, clearly stunned.
“For both of us. If that’s what he wants, yeah. Of course I would. We’re together.” Frankly, he’s a little insulted by the question. What did she think this was, a fling?
“You really do love him.”
The words are spoken softly, low, like she never expected it to happen to her son. Jared rolls his eyes at the absurdity. Honestly, it’s like they’ve never even met Jensen! How could Jared not love him?
“I do. Ma’am, I’d marry him tomorrow if he believed in the institution and didn’t think it was an outdated form of slavery. His words, not mine.”
She laughs, sounding slightly choked up. “You know, we’ve always been so worried about what would happen to him after we… We never imagined he’d find anyone.”
“I know.”
After all, Jensen told him once that everyone, including himself, had expected him to die alone. Apparently Jensen had been fine with that. At least he’d said he’d been. Now though… Jared suspects Jensen would be just as lost without him as he would be without Jensen. And still, despite everything, he knows Jensen expects him to one day leave him for someone else. Someone normal. Because no matter how often Jared tells Jensen he loves him, Jensen still believes himself to be too weird for anyone to be able to tolerate for an extended period of time. It’s like he doesn’t get how much Jared loves his eccentricities. After all, they’re a big part of what makes him who he is.
“But this is not the time, “she says. “He has to be careful.”
“I know. We both do. And we are. But I have to be frank, ma’am, I am waiting for the time when we don’t have to be. I’m hoping for everyone’s sake that it’s sooner rather than later.” He hesitates then adds, “You need to understand, it’s very hard to live like this. It’s not something you can ask of a person, no matter how much you fear for them. If, and when, he wants to come out, it won’t be because he doesn’t understand the consequences, it will be because he can’t stand living a lie anymore.”
“Keeping his personal life private is not a lie,” she protests. “He’s a private person. We are a private family. We keep our personal lives within the privacy of our home.”
“With all due respect, ma’am, you can kiss your husband on the front porch if you like. Jensen didn’t even dare turn on the lights in his own damn room. How’s that for different definitions of ‘private’?”
She doesn’t say anything but Jared can hear her miffed breathing on the other end, and he sighs.
“I know it’s hard to understand but can you just… try to imagine what it would be like? If tomorrow you woke up, and your marriage was a crime, and your love for your husband considered so ugly and shameful you could never let anyone see how much you care about each other? Because that’s the life you are asking him to live. That’s the life we are living right now.”
“I didn’t know you felt that way about us,” she says finally, her voice icy. “That you considered us such horribly judgmental people. Such awful parents.”
“That is not what I’m saying,” he protests quickly. “No. I know you only want the best for him. That’s why I’m telling you this: He needs to know that he can still come home, no matter what happens. That is all I’m asking, that you let him know you’ll stand by him, if and when the time comes.”
“Of course we will! He’s our son!” she says, voice rising. “We would never turn our backs on him! What sort of parents do you think we are?”
“For all I knew you could be like mine,” Jared says flatly. “I’m very happy to hear you’re not.”
“Jared,” she says softly, her anger gone, just like that. “I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.”
“Yeah, well… We’re more or less okay. As long as I don’t mention Jensen and keep everything private, they can pretend I’m normal, and I can pretend they still love me.”
“I’m sure they still do-” she starts, but he cuts her off.
“It doesn’t matter.” He hears a rustle by the door and clears his throat. “I’ll let him know you called. Goodbye.” He turns the phone off and slides it into his pocket. “I thought you were asleep.”
Silence. Then, “I woke up. You didn’t tell me.”
Jared wipes quickly at his eyes before turning around. “Tell you what?”
Jensen is hovering in the doorway, eyes downcast, his breathing fast and shallow. “That you were out to your, your, your, your....” He slams the heel of his hand into his forehead. “Parents. You never said.” He swallows. “Why didn’t you say?”
Jared steps forward but stops when Jensen shrinks back. “I didn’t want you to worry,” he says gently. Jensen looks downright devastated, and Jared can’t figure out why. “I know how you feel about family. Even if you like yours better at a distance.” He tries for a smile, however crooked.
Jensen doesn’t smile back. He keeps swallowing, eyes blinking rapidly. “You can, you can go back to, to Sandy,” he says, his voice breaking. “Then, then you don’t have to pretend anything.”
Ah.
Jared reaches out his hand, and after a long while Jensen hesitantly steps forward and takes it. Jared pulls him close, relieved when Jensen doesn’t resist but melts into the embrace, like he’s afraid it’s the last one he’ll get.
“But I would. I would have to pretend to be happy when really, I would be so heartbroken that nothing in the world could ever make me smile, ever again. Except you taking me back.” He blinks tears out of his eyes when he feels Jensen shudder in his arms. “Jensen, I’ve told you. You’re my family. You’re the only family I need. Because you love me for who I am. And I love you so, so much.”
“Love me. So much. So, so much,” Jensen murmurs softly to himself, his breath hitching, and Jared almost starts crying again.
“I love you more than anyone else in the whole world,” he assures him. “Way more than any of them.”
“They’re stupid, stupid people,” Jensen chokes out.
Jared sighs. “Yeah. Yeah, they are.”
Jensen pulls away, wiping at his eyes with the back of his hands. “We’ll just stay here,” he says, nodding his head with fierce determination. “In Canada. Even if it’s very cold,” he adds with a small frown. “And they don’t know how to make a decent steak.”
That makes Jared smile. “If you never go home to Texas, your folks will continue to come visit you here,” he points out.
Jensen scowls. “Damn.”
“Yep. Come on. You talking about steak made me extra hungry. Pizza?” He laughs when Jensen just looks at him. “What am I saying? Of course, it’s still pizza day.”
Jensen sits on the couch, hands on his knees, slowly rocking back and forth. His stomach says he’s hungry, but he’s only been able to nibble at the pizza. Jared keeps sending him concerned looks, but he doesn’t touch him, for which Jensen is grateful. It’s been an anxious day, and he just can’t seem to shed the tension out of his body or the fear out of his mind.
It’s been his greatest fear, ever since he realized that he loved Jared, that Jared would leave him. In fact, he’s been so sure that it’s only a matter of time, that sometimes, when Jared runs late coming home, or when Jensen wakes up and Jared is not beside him in their bed, the fear that Jared is gone, has left without a word, grabs Jensen so tight he can’t breathe. And then won’t speak when Jared does show up, because he knows he’ll only throw angry insults at him because how dares Jared scare him like that? He knows it’s not rational, he knows! He hates his brain for playing such stupid fucking tricks on him. Fucking idiotic brain. He’s supposed to be smart not some fucking, fucking toddler! So to keep himself quiet he gives Jared blowjobs, or, when that is not enough, goes into his closet and screams his fear into his thickest jacket, so Jared won’t hear.
But…
He closes his eyes, rocking a little faster.
Jared wouldn’t have said it if he didn’t mean it. He’d never lie about something like that. Would he? Jensen swallows and closes his eyes for a moment, breathing slowly. He can’t stand it. He has to know. Because if it’s true, if they would, then Jared doesn’t actually plan to leave him, ever.
“Would you really marry me tomorrow?”
Jared pulls his beer away from his mouth without taking a sip, puts the bottle back on the table and turns to Jensen. “How long were you listening?”
Jensen shakes his head. That doesn’t matter. “Would you?” He holds his breath.
Jared pries one of Jensen’s hands lose from where he’s been painfully clutching his knees and holds it in his own, braiding their fingers together. “Yes. I would.”
Jensen sucks in a shaky breath. “Yeah?”
“Yeah. Are you proposing?”
Jensen glances over, but Jared isn’t laughing. He’s watching him, calm and questioning. Jensen shakes his head. “No.” Jared smiles but something in his eyes makes Jensen add, “Not now. Maybe later.”
The smile grows bigger. “Yeah? What about it being an outdated form of slavery.”
Jensen frowns. “Not for us.”
Jared laughs. “Of course not.” He brings Jensen’s hand to his lips and kisses the knuckles. “Well, whenever you’re ready, just say the words.”
Jensen leans over and kisses Jared quickly on the lips before pulling his hand free and picking up a slice of pizza. He’s really, really hungry. Takes him a while to realize Jared is still watching him, but when he looks over Jared just smiles softly and doesn’t say a word.
“Well, honey, I’m still glad I came, even if we didn’t see much of each other,” Jensen’s mother says, holding his hands in her own, seeking eye contact which he clearly doesn’t want to give her. Looking for an apology when frankly, she should be the one giving it.
Jared holds his tongue, barely.
“We went for a walk yesterday,” Jensen argues. “We had coffee this morning.”
“Well, when it comes to my children I can never get enough,” she says. “Maybe you can come home for Christmas. Both of you,” she adds and gives Jared a hopeful smile. He smiles politely but doesn’t say anything. That will be for Jensen to decide.
“We would hold hands. And kiss,” Jensen dismisses. “Not outside, because it’s Texas, but inside. You wouldn’t like it.”
“I wouldn’t care, honey. I mean it,” she says when he looks skeptical. “I just want you home with us. We miss you.”
Jensen seems pensive but then he shakes his head. “Uncle Bill would be mean to Jared.”
The guilty look on her face is there and gone so quickly Jared’s not sure he really saw it. “If your uncle has a problem with you, or Jared, he can spend Christmas elsewhere.”
Jensen frowns. “He’s always had a problem with me, and he always spends Christmas with us. I’ve told you. Many times.”
She bows her head, closing her eyes briefly before looking back up at him with genuine regret in her eyes. “I’m sorry. I’ll talk to him, I promise.” She squeezes his hands. “Will you at least think about it?”
Jensen looks at Jared, whose eyes, he notes, Jensen has no trouble meeting. Jared gives him a small smile and a shrug. As much as he loves Jensen, Christmas last year, with just the two of them, had been rather lonely. He missed the loudness and exuberance of his own family, even if he doubts they missed him, as wrapped up in their damn bigotry as they are. Spending it with Jensen’s family wouldn’t be the same but still. It’s family, even if it’s not his own.
“Maybe,” Jensen says. “If Jared wants to.” He pulls his hands out of his mother’s grip, and she reluctantly lets go then inhales softly in surprise when he puts his arms around her and hugs her, briefly, before stepping back. “You should go now.”
She blinks rapidly, tears shining in her eyes. “All right, honey. I’ll call you on Wednesday. Jared.” She hugs him, and he has to bow down for her to reach properly. “Thank you,” she whispers. And then she’s gone, dragging the small suitcase behind her to the check-in. Curtesy tells Jared to wait until she’s disappeared from view, but Jensen has already turned around and is walking away towards the exit so Jared hurries after him.
“Are you okay?” he asks in a low voice, and Jensen nods, even if he’s clearly not. Jared lets it be for now. They can talk when they get home.
They’re in the car, halfway home, when Jensen says suddenly, “He calls me sissy. And pretty boy. I’ve told them I don’t like it, many times.” He looks out the window. “He calls me fag. And, and retard. When they can’t hear him.”
Jared’s knuckles whiten on the steering wheel. “Who is this, your mom’s brother?”
“Yes. He doesn’t have a family. That’s why he’s always with us. Every holiday. Always. Since I was little.” Jensen swallows. “Always saying things.”
“And your parents don’t do anything?” Jared asks incredulous.
“They say, ‘Bill, stop it.’ He says, ‘I’m just kidding. I’m just having fun.’” Jensen’s knee starts jumping. “‘The boy’s too sensitive.’” The fingers on his right hand tap his thumb, faster and faster. “I was a boy but I’m not anymore. I’m an adult. I’m a man. But he always calls me boy. Like I’m still a kid. Even if I’m not.” He swallows again. “Still don’t like the things he says.”
Jared has to take a deep breath to keep himself from roaring. “Your uncle Bill sounds like a real fucking jerk,” he manages to choke out, more calmly than he’d expected.
The fingers slow slightly down. “Yes. A real damn fucking jerk.” Jensen looks over at Jared, face determined. “I won’t let him say those things to you. Not you. Although he wouldn’t call you, call you a retard,” he adds quietly.
“He shouldn’t be calling anyone any of those things!” Jared snaps, unable to rein in his rage any longer. If he’d known about this before Mrs. Ackles left, he would not have managed to be civil to her. He would have … Fuck! How can they let that bigoted asshole treat Jensen that way? In his own home! Ever since he was a kid! “If I ever hear him - or anyone! - say anything like that to you, I’ll kick their fucking teeth in!”
Jensen quickly puts his hands over his ears and starts rocking back and forth, eyes squeezed shut.
Shit.
Jared pulls over, breathing deeply to quell his anger. “I’m sorry,” he says, keeping his voice low. “I didn’t mean to get loud. I just got so angry. Not at you.”
“I know. I know, I know, I know.” Jensen pulls his left hand away from his ear long enough to raise one finger.
Jared leans back with his eyes closed and practices his breathing while he waits for Jensen to calm down. He feels guilty, and then he feels angry for feeling guilty for a very natural reaction to what some fucking asshole did. Then he has to calm himself down again. When his hands have finally stopped shaking, he puts the car in gear and drives them home.
By the time Jensen drops his hands in his lap and leans back in his seat, eyes still closed, they’ve been parked in their driveway long enough that it’s starting to get cold.
“Okay?” Jared asks. Jensen nods but the fingers on his right hand are back to tapping. Jared takes Jensen’s left hand, still lying idly on Jensen’s lap, and weaves their fingers together. “I’m sorry I got so loud.”
“It’s okay. I didn’t know you’d get so angry.”
“I just don’t like people being mean to you. I mean, I don’t like people being mean to anyone but especially not you. Because I love you,” he adds quickly when Jensen opens his mouth since Jared knows by now what Jensen is going to say. ‘Because I’m weird.’ Even if yeah, Jensen’s situation does have a lot to do with it. Bullying someone for being different is just grade A asshole behavior. But allowing that asshole to bully your son, right in front of you? Who the fuck does that?
“You’d have been angry a lot when I was in school,” Jensen says matter-of-factly and Jared’s heart hurts yet again. “If you’d been there. With me.”
“Nah, I would have beaten up the first one that tried, and that would have been the end of that,” Jared says, keeping his voice light and teasing, when he’s feeling anything but.
“And we would have been best friends,” Jensen says, smiling wistfully.
“Yep. And I would have been wildly in love with you, before I even hit puberty.”
Jensen laughs softly. “And I would have been in love with you, but thought you only wanted to be my friend.”
Jared grins. “Wow, we would have been really stupid kids.”
Jensen glances at him then looks away. “But happy,” he says. “I would, I would have been happy.”
Jared raises their joined hands and presses the back of Jensen’s hand to his cheek before kissing it softly. “Yeah. Me too.”
Jensen looks at his hand, then up at Jared and suddenly there’s heat like fire in his eyes. He grabs Jared by the back of the neck and pulls him in for a hard kiss, not letting go until Jared is gasping for breath. “We should go inside. There’s not enough room in here for sex.”
“Yeah, ok,” Jared chokes out and quickly gets out.
It’s hard to say which one is more desperate. They stumble through the door, fingers already fighting to get each other’s clothes off, feet kicking shoes to wherever they land. They never even make it to the bedroom, just stumble on to the couch, t-shirts half off, jeans fallen to their knees.
“Take your pants off,” Jensen says, while kicking his own jeans off. “I want you to fuck me.”
“I’m so glad you’ve stopped saying ‘Put your penis in my anus’,” Jared laughs while struggling to get his underwear down mid-thigh. “It was so not sexy.”
“It was accurate,” Jensen argues. “The word fuck is a lot more ambiguous.”
“Not the way I do it,” Jared assures him, fumbling between the cushions for the tube of lube he knows he left there. Yes!
“Literally the word fuck means-”
“Jensen, please shut up and pull your knees up.”
“I can talk with my knees up,” Jensen says, sounding a little miffed but then it turns out he can’t, not when Jared’s fingers are scissoring him open. Even less when Jared is fucking Jensen so hard the couch moves at least ten inches across the floor. By then he seems to have forgotten what it was he wanted to talk about anyway.
Jared loves fucking Jensen on his back, watching the different emotions on Jensen’s otherwise often blank face. He thinks having sex might be the only time Jensen’s brain takes a break and allows him to just be, allows him to live in the moment, feeling everything that’s happening to the fullest. Even if what’s happening is just having an orgasm. Like right about …
“Jared?” Jensen gasps, hands gripping Jared’s hips so tight he’s sure to have bruises come tomorrow. “Now?”
God, Jared loves him so much his heart might just explode. “Yes, baby. Now would be the perfect moment.”
Jensen gasps another breath, closing his eyes briefly before looking straight into Jared’s waiting gaze. “I love you.”
… now!
“Oh God, I love you too. I love you so much. I love you, I love you, I love you!”
She’s about to fall asleep, her husband already snoring by her side, when her phone pings, announcing an email. She means to ignore it, it’s late and she is exhausted from the flight. Getting older is certainly not doing her any favors. But one look at the name and she’s reaching for her glasses, feeling anxious. Jensen hardly ever sends emails. And never this late.
She’s used to the matter-of-fact tone of her son’s writing, but the words still hit her brutally hard. By the time the letter ends, with an abrupt: “Jensen,” there are tears in her eyes. Tears of horror and anger and guilt. God, she feels so sick with guilt she can taste the bile in her throat. She knew her brother had been giving Jensen a hard time, but he’s always been a bit of a jerk. Certainly bullied her enough when they were kids. She’s tried to restrain him, but they hardly ever see each other, and Christmas is a time for family, not fighting. But she never imagined he was spitting out such vile, horrible, disgusting things when she was out of earshot. Although she should have known, seeing as Jensen had complained, repeatedly, about his uncle ‘saying things,’ and he hardly ever complains about the way people behave towards him. Despite having had to endure plenty of harassment, his whole life.
From the kids at school when he was small, to strangers on the street as an adult. For being different, being famous, being beautiful. They did what they could about the bullying at school, but as long as it didn’t turn physical, they considered themselves lucky. She’s just never worried as much about words as she does about action. Because her boy had been so beautiful, so innocent, so naïve, she had nightmares about the things that could happen to him. As a child but also when he grew up and the attention shifted to a wider demographic.
There’s a reason why he never goes alone to auditions. One sordid offer on the casting couch (which he says he turned down, but he’s never been willing to tell her exactly what happened, and sometimes she wants to scream, she’s so afraid for him) was enough for them to put safeguards to ensure that never happened again. Once he started getting parts and recognition there was added attention he never asked for and didn’t want. Promo photos she never should have accepted on his behalf. Social functions that had him panicking with anxiety. Fans that wanted more than anyone is entitled to. She never much minded the lovesick girls, except for in how they made Jensen feel anxious and uncomfortable. It was the men, lurking outside the sets, accosting him in restaurants, with their sleazy behavior and disgusting propositions. And so they got him ‘girlfriends’ who knew how to handle not only Jensen but whatever unwanted attention he attracted wherever they went.
All his life they have done what they can to keep him safe, as little control as they have over what happens out there, away from their reach. And all the while he’d had to endure verbal abuse in his own home. And they just let it happen!
God, if she had the bastard - her own brother! - standing in front of her, right now, she’d breathe fire of fury into his smug face. She wants to drive over to his house, right now - although it’s close to midnight and it’s more than an hour’s drive - and slap him so hard he’ll be red-cheeked until Christmas. Which he is certainly not invited to! Not now, not ever again. The fucking bastard!
She looks over at her husband, still asleep. He would sleep through hellfire, now that they’re alone in the house and no longer spend the nights half-conscious, listening in case one of the children needs them. If she wakes him up now and shows him Jensen’s email, she has no idea how he’ll react, but it won’t be pretty. (She might just go and hide the gun before she tells him. Just as a precaution.) Better to wait until morning. Even if that means she might stay awake alone all night, wrapped up in her anger and guilt.
She takes a deep breath and writes back, keeping it short and precise, the way Jensen prefers: “Thank you for telling me, darling. I am so sorry we didn’t properly listen to you before. Your uncle Bill will not be coming to our house again. I love you. Give my best to Jared. Good night and sweet dreams. Mom.”
Then she puts away her phone and her glasses, lies back and allows the tears to fall unhindered until she falls asleep.
fin