[IM Log] Fatherhood
wishlesscat: "You'd have cute kittens."
felinewishes: "/hfsjkdhf Alma./ There more to kits than cuteness."
"Of course. /ear flick/"
".... Alma. /brushes knuckles on Alma's cheek/ I would be a terrible father."
"/smiles up at him/ Nonsense. I know you well enough that you'd be wonderful."
"It's a bad idea anyway."
"Is that what you really think it is?"
"..... Yes. No. .... I don't know."
"Then you don't know if it'd be a bad idea or not."
"tch. How are we supposed to find out other than doing it? But once you cross that line there's no going back."
"Then it's something you should think hard on... Find someone you'd like to settle down with. And make sure you enjoy children as well."
"..... /noses lightly./ And what if they come out with blue eyes, Alma?"
"... /silence./ ...Then the clan will go on."
".... /leans against him/ We can't be proper parents. Not like this. We'll outlive them, or worse, they'll outlive us."
"/holds him close/ *I* can't be a proper parent, Yuu. Don't count yourself out so fast. /Goes silent again for a moment./ ...It's natural for children to outlive the parents. Isn't that how it went for our parents?"
"/loosely wraps his arms around Alma/ But don't you realize what that would mean? If they just kept living, and living, stuck like us."
"I don't know... there's still also the chance of them not having blue eyes."
".... Then we--I'll out live them."
"They can't have a father that never ages. They just can't."
"Why not?"
".... It's just wrong. And I'll have to explain. And then what if they ask? Their little wishes and--it would be horrible."
"/his ears and tail droop/ ...I wish I could help you. Be there with you."
"... /tightens his hold/ ....There's a female me who's pregnant."
"...What?"
"She said it won't live."
"What? Why not?"
"I don't know. She's human though."
"Ah... /Looks down/"
"Maybe... it isn't for everyone. /says this very quietly/"
"Maybe. /strokes Alma's back/"
"Just... promise me one thing, Yuu."
"/looks up at him/"
"... /twitches one ear backwards/ What?"
"That when you leave here I want you to be as happy as you can be. Whether it be in someone else's arms or not. /Touches his cheek, smiling softly./ ...You deserve that much."
"/puts a hand over Alma's/ People who get close to me only suffer. It's not fair to anyone to try to keep them close."
"I didn't suffer. Loving you was the greatest joy I could ever imagine... beyond that, even. /takes his hand and holds it/ The only one suffering is you, Yuu."
".... /looks down as he curls his fingers around Alma's hand/ Not just you. And my suffering is better than losing one more person I care about."
"How do you know you'll lose each one?"
"Because I keep losing them!"
"I lost you and Lala and Daisya and anyone else I could name has suffered some horrible mishap and it's not fair to any of them."
"I killed myself, Yuu. Don't bear my death on your shoulders. It wasn't your fault..."
"It was you and your stupid ways, but I should have known."
"How could you have? It was beyond our control, something that can't be blamed on anyone, especially not you."
"I won't believe you when you tell me it was your fault those people - that I - died."
"/staring hard at him, serious/"
"/tense and unhappy and not always meeting Alma's eyes/ I could have stopped you. /stubborn./ And it doesn't matter that they had 'accidents'--each time I was there."
"It follows me, Alma. I don't want me or anything else to harm them. I don't want anyone else to get hurt because of me."
"No you couldn't have. /staring at him still./ Yuu... You can't cut yourself off like this..."
"/meets his eyes for a moment then drops them again/ I only make excuses for why I don't. I shouldn't let them get close."
"They're not excuses. No one deserves the kind of loneliness and unhappiness you're try to impose on yourself and deep down... you know you don't."
"..... Don't you see that no matter what, it'll be painful. Whether they die now or later. They're not like you or me--just me now... They'll grow old and die, and then I'll just be alone again. So I'll just skip all of that. It's better that way."
"What if that's what they want?"
"I don't care what they want. The only other person that could have stayed with me is gone just the same as you."
"..... /goes quiet at that, ears falling again/"
"/pulls away a bit, tucking his arms around himself/ ..... Don't... worry about it. It's not like.. I'm good at staying away."
"/Turns his face and moves to get up, least Yuu sees him empty out his tear ducts/"
"/growls, frustrated with himself, and wraps his arms around Alma, tugging him back down with him./"
"Alma..."
"I should have... I should have been better... Selfish and stupid and look where we are now... /A few tears slide down his cheeks/"
"/touches Alma's wet cheek with his nose/ .... You're an idiot."
"You're stupid and you give away yourself to help people, and you wouldn't be the.. person I love without being a stupid stupid idiot."
"/turns to look at him; despite his pitiful composure his cheeks turn pink./ Yuu.."
"/holds him tighter/ So who's the bigger idiot? The idiot, or the one who loves the idiot?"
"It evens out... /weakly smiles, sniffing. leans into him./"
"/strokes his back and holds him close/ I suppose it does."
"/wraps his arms around him back, burying his face into the crook of kanda's neck/ Mhhm.."
"/kisses the side of Alma's head and curls his tail around Alma's waist. a silent gesture of 'stay'/"
"/his ear flicks and his tail curls around Yuu's waist as well. He's not going anywhere/"