LiveJournal says hi back. It also says, "Holy shit, I am so sorry."
I don't know how I've missed your prior entries, but I'm just seeing this now (and just read back a few to get caught up), and I'm so, so, so sorry for what you're going through. I know we don't really know each other, but reading this broke my heart and I just wanted you to know that someone is listening, even if it's some random chick stuck in a dumb hotel on a business trip.
My advice, not that you're really asking for it: You just have to keep on keepin' on. This is going to take time; like you said, you're making your way to your new normal. Your feeling of something "being off" will resolve... I promise it will. It's just going to take time. You've got a double-whammy to process. Cut yourself some slack, give yourself permission to feel everything and nothing. Feel all the feels. Cry, scream, sit and stare at the wall, poke at your food, talk to the chair. This is all OK.
As for your dad, remember that you don't have to make any decisions re: your dad immediately... and it doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing. You don't have to invite your dad back in 100%, and you don't have to push him away 100%. Not knowing anything about your situation other than what you've typed above, I'm assuming he feels like an awkward idiot (and a jerk) for how you're kinda stuck left to deal with all this stuff by yourself. You've got enough stuff to deal with re: the loss of your mom, settling her estate, dealing with her things. But you are TOTALLY allowed to say, "Hey Dad. I know we've got stuff to talk about. I promise I'll call you when the fog has lifted a bit." And if "a bit" turns into 6 months, that's OK. I'm sure losing your mom has made your dad re-evaluate some of his life decisions and question his own mortality, too. But those are not your issues, they're his. And you don't have to help him work through that stuff on his schedule (if you choose to at all). You get to call the shots.
For the record - you're not some random chick stuck in a dumb hotel. At least not the random chick part, I have no idea on the intelligence of your accommodations.. You're actually one of the few reasons I still remember LiveJournal exists, I still come back and skim my friends list every few days to read you and one or two other people. Your posts are always insightful and well written, and your enthusiasm is infectious. I really enjoy your posts, even if I never comment on anything and actually SAY so.
This most recent dash through the ringer that ultimately led to Mom's passing has lasted over a year or so, but I've been fairly radio silent on the whole thing so you didn't miss anything.. I've just never been especially skilled at the whole blog business. I can chat your face off on AIM/Yahoo/whatever all day long, but just sitting down and writing something out To: Everybody Everywhere Everywhen Re: Stuff up in my brainmeats - that just isn't one of my strengths. I just needed a venue to vent some of the pressure, and of the few people still here I was okay with them reading it and responding if they wanted to.
Thanks for ... well, everything you said, really. I appreciate it more than I am capable of expressing at this point. It's been hard, but I know I can get through it. One of the things Mom said to me before all of this happened (and it was unexpected - they were saying she'd need to have a surgery and then everything would be okay, she died two days before) was that "I'm not worried about you, Joshua. I've been around long enough to see you grow up into a truely wonderful man. I know that you will be okay." - and I will, I'm just trying to figure out the HOW part. Just typing that out and remembering it kicked me right up in the feels.. I think it must be dusty in here..
I don't know how I've missed your prior entries, but I'm just seeing this now (and just read back a few to get caught up), and I'm so, so, so sorry for what you're going through. I know we don't really know each other, but reading this broke my heart and I just wanted you to know that someone is listening, even if it's some random chick stuck in a dumb hotel on a business trip.
My advice, not that you're really asking for it:
You just have to keep on keepin' on. This is going to take time; like you said, you're making your way to your new normal. Your feeling of something "being off" will resolve... I promise it will. It's just going to take time. You've got a double-whammy to process. Cut yourself some slack, give yourself permission to feel everything and nothing. Feel all the feels. Cry, scream, sit and stare at the wall, poke at your food, talk to the chair. This is all OK.
As for your dad, remember that you don't have to make any decisions re: your dad immediately... and it doesn't have to be an all or nothing thing. You don't have to invite your dad back in 100%, and you don't have to push him away 100%. Not knowing anything about your situation other than what you've typed above, I'm assuming he feels like an awkward idiot (and a jerk) for how you're kinda stuck left to deal with all this stuff by yourself. You've got enough stuff to deal with re: the loss of your mom, settling her estate, dealing with her things. But you are TOTALLY allowed to say, "Hey Dad. I know we've got stuff to talk about. I promise I'll call you when the fog has lifted a bit." And if "a bit" turns into 6 months, that's OK. I'm sure losing your mom has made your dad re-evaluate some of his life decisions and question his own mortality, too. But those are not your issues, they're his. And you don't have to help him work through that stuff on his schedule (if you choose to at all). You get to call the shots.
I'm sending you goodness across the electrons.
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This most recent dash through the ringer that ultimately led to Mom's passing has lasted over a year or so, but I've been fairly radio silent on the whole thing so you didn't miss anything.. I've just never been especially skilled at the whole blog business. I can chat your face off on AIM/Yahoo/whatever all day long, but just sitting down and writing something out To: Everybody Everywhere Everywhen Re: Stuff up in my brainmeats - that just isn't one of my strengths. I just needed a venue to vent some of the pressure, and of the few people still here I was okay with them reading it and responding if they wanted to.
Thanks for ... well, everything you said, really. I appreciate it more than I am capable of expressing at this point. It's been hard, but I know I can get through it. One of the things Mom said to me before all of this happened (and it was unexpected - they were saying she'd need to have a surgery and then everything would be okay, she died two days before) was that "I'm not worried about you, Joshua. I've been around long enough to see you grow up into a truely wonderful man. I know that you will be okay." - and I will, I'm just trying to figure out the HOW part. Just typing that out and remembering it kicked me right up in the feels.. I think it must be dusty in here..
Reply
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