I feel so good...for now
The weekend has made me feel excellent, I got so much done (thanks mostly to my wifey extraordinaire!). I feel almost ready to face this week of work...it's the first one where I'll be doing appointments (both intakes and follow ups) alone. I am so fucking nervous. I know my coworkers are nearby and really helpful, but still...a bit scary to think I could be fucking up someone getting a job or achieving their goals.
Date on Friday went alright....I'm still sorting through how I feel about it all. I'm not sure whether to be happy for my women's studies knowledge that keeps me aware of the risks of going on dates/generally being a woman alone or curse it for keeping me paranoid a lot of the time. I don't want to assume or worry about worst case scenarios, but I definitely don't want bad things to happen to me if I can prevent it by being hyper vigilant. Met this guy off of fetlife, had a decent time wandering around for the date, Went back to my place, smoked a bit, got introduced to the tv series Black Books, then things got into sexy times. I didn't want to go very far (second base-ish), and wore garments to make it pretty inconvenient to go farther...a fitted, stiff material dress, belt over dress, pantyhose...but things were still progressing more towards sex (not against my will! I'm fairly easy really). So, some D/s stuff starts to get thrown into the mix, even though this wasn't discussed...which freaks me out a lot. So much that I start pulling back a bit, then eventually texting wifey to come rescue me, because I am too cowardly to outright say no. Opting instead to saying I always have a friend come over on a first date to make sure things don't go too far...I really should make this my first date rule. Then tell the person in advanced, so I don't look like a douche/idiot in the moment. Ah well, the guy messaged me today so clearly he doesn't think I'm half bad.
In a less happy note, I had a bad dream last night about a client at work, the shit this person goes through/puts themselves through is awful...I felt so depressed and upset in the dream. Not a nightmare, but definitely an intense dream. I wonder how fast the burnout my field is known for will hit me...How much depressing shit can I see? How many of my clients will come in with bruises on their faces because they didn't want to give up their cheques to their boy/girlfriend before I can't keep working with this group? Hopefully it will keep me inspired to do something more to try and stop the cycle of poverty, abuse and addiction I see all the time.
I love how I have friends who can get me out of terrible moods. Coffee, swimming and good company do me so much good. Even when I look yuck I can enjoy myself with some people, which is not usual for me. I have to feel "put together" to relax. Favorite thing I said this weekend, said while gesturing to my messy hair and un-make-uped face"This is not what's bringing all the boys to the yard".
Date on Friday went alright....I'm still sorting through how I feel about it all. I'm not sure whether to be happy for my women's studies knowledge that keeps me aware of the risks of going on dates/generally being a woman alone or curse it for keeping me paranoid a lot of the time. I don't want to assume or worry about worst case scenarios, but I definitely don't want bad things to happen to me if I can prevent it by being hyper vigilant. Met this guy off of fetlife, had a decent time wandering around for the date, Went back to my place, smoked a bit, got introduced to the tv series Black Books, then things got into sexy times. I didn't want to go very far (second base-ish), and wore garments to make it pretty inconvenient to go farther...a fitted, stiff material dress, belt over dress, pantyhose...but things were still progressing more towards sex (not against my will! I'm fairly easy really). So, some D/s stuff starts to get thrown into the mix, even though this wasn't discussed...which freaks me out a lot. So much that I start pulling back a bit, then eventually texting wifey to come rescue me, because I am too cowardly to outright say no. Opting instead to saying I always have a friend come over on a first date to make sure things don't go too far...I really should make this my first date rule. Then tell the person in advanced, so I don't look like a douche/idiot in the moment. Ah well, the guy messaged me today so clearly he doesn't think I'm half bad.
In a less happy note, I had a bad dream last night about a client at work, the shit this person goes through/puts themselves through is awful...I felt so depressed and upset in the dream. Not a nightmare, but definitely an intense dream. I wonder how fast the burnout my field is known for will hit me...How much depressing shit can I see? How many of my clients will come in with bruises on their faces because they didn't want to give up their cheques to their boy/girlfriend before I can't keep working with this group? Hopefully it will keep me inspired to do something more to try and stop the cycle of poverty, abuse and addiction I see all the time.
I love how I have friends who can get me out of terrible moods. Coffee, swimming and good company do me so much good. Even when I look yuck I can enjoy myself with some people, which is not usual for me. I have to feel "put together" to relax. Favorite thing I said this weekend, said while gesturing to my messy hair and un-make-uped face"This is not what's bringing all the boys to the yard".