For lastvoyages: Journal Entry 27 [voice+spam]

[feels_no_love]

In my stay here I have met a few people to whom I truly owe a debt of gratitude. [Soft chuckle] Now there is something I never thought that I would admit. But...it is true. At any rate, the Barge just said goodbye to two such people

Comments

[private]

[young_idealist]

I survived.

Do you wish to talk about people leaving? There are so many ways I could answer your public musings, the variations make me dizzy.

[private]

[feels_no_love]

No random curses? No half drownings in hair oil?

[Flat chuckle]

Armand, between you and I, I know that I am going to be a while in this place. Even willing, even leaving behind the image of this place as the Turkish Prison, I have a long way to go. Learning to let go of others gracefully when they move on is...

I need to learn it but I think I am far from that right now.

Re: [private]

[young_idealist]

I cannot say it was a good experience for either of us, but no one died. That is perhaps the best I can say of it.

[Armand sighs, not in exasperation, but tiredly.] You are not the only person with that problem. I don't take it well either. It is lonely being here, away from one what one is accustomed to.

I don't know if grace is ever expected. Humanity is, perhaps. It is something I would not have expected from you a month or so ago to miss someone so, someone who wasn't in your chosen court or family.

There are some absences, long grown old, that I still feel.

[private]

[feels_no_love]

It baffles me as well. I would rather--no. I simply do not understand why, if I have..."advanced" in some way, it is so damnably painful.

[private]

[young_idealist]

Being human and having emotions is painful. Don't you remember that part?

[private]

[feels_no_love]

I think I may have forced myself to stop remembering. I always thought that being numb was an advantage.

[private]

[young_idealist]

You should remember, even the bad parts. Those memories can be a guide for you about your emotions.

[private]

[feels_no_love]

Armand, the last time I had what you would probably consider the full gamut of human emotions, I was about eleven. Not to say I won't give it a good try, but...it will take digging.

[private]

[young_idealist]

Vladisaus, if I may be so personal, that may be the only memory we have to work with. There are always new experiences as your emotions return, but that child--no matter how ill-used he was--was a real person, a whole person I should think. You can be all that you were and what you are now, so more than you've ever been.

If you work for it. I believe this.

[private]

[feels_no_love]

...

How could we go about accessing this...child-self of mine?

[private]

[young_idealist]

Perhaps with play, traditional foods of your childhood... I think talking may help but you are already deeply introspective.

[private]

[feels_no_love]

Ha! I shall teach the kitchens to make apricot kolaches. Though I cannot enjoy them the smell is pleasant enough.

I...had a thought which is somewhat like play, but it would require a bit of trust in me. And it is a little...well, unusual.

[private]

[young_idealist]

Oh... smell is very strong for memories and emotions. It is truly sad that you cannot ingest the food even just for pleasure.

I trust you. You know that.

[private]

[feels_no_love]

Sometimes I think I might train myself to take a sip of tea or beer. I do not know if my insides are even like a living man's anymore. It certainly hurt enough when I woke from death that they might have been rearranged.

But you can eat kolaches, so we'll have a chat over them.

It is one of the reasons I work to maintain that trust. Are you familiar then with the practice-swords that are made, not of wood, but of cane? They are strong enough to take blows but barely bruise when someone is struck by them.

I want to spar with swords, and give swordplay lessons.

[private]

[young_idealist]

It is possible. I know that Claudia not only couldn't abide anything else in her stomach, but even dead blood made her ill. But different kinds of vampires are different. It would only be to your own discomfort to experiment, but I do advise caution. Be prepared to rest after trying something you haven't tried... recently.

[He chuckles, pleased to have the invitation.]

Oh, I would love to taste some your childhood food should you want me to do so. And talk about it. That part makes me quite excited to contemplate it. I know that few things make me remember my childhood more strongly than the aroma of bouillabaisse.

Did you have some idea who to teach? I am hopeless at the gentlemanly sports. I could approve so long as these practice weapons could not be used to cause real harm to anyone. They may get into someone else's hands, you understand. You, I trust completely. You have honor. If you're out of temper, I suspect you won't need weapons to cause trouble.

[private]

[feels_no_love]

She sounds like a delicate little thing. I rather wish I could have met her. It's likely in my file somewhere, but fatherhood is among my ambitions.

Well...

There is an odd story behind that. Hoffman and I keep fighting, and it's so much fun I asked him if he'd like to spar regularly instead.

[Yes, Dracula remains rather batty.]