(no subject)
a very good friend of mine said to me today "i hope you know how much i love your friendship". i think that's just about the best compliment someone could give... and the feeling is totally mutual. but it got me thinking about past relationships i've had - friendships and love interests alike.
there's a lot of people in my past who might not think the same. i'm sure there's a few people back in chicago and ohio who would say i'm an awful friend - and i'd probably reciprocate those feelings towards them as well. until today, i was thinking about it and wondering how one person could think i'm such a great friend, and someone else could look at me and only see disappointment. a friendship is generally two sided. it takes two to tango, the phone works both ways... yadda yadda.. so maybe the blame for a sour friendship doesn't rest solely on one person (i know there are exceptions... but work with me) maybe it has more to do with the dynamic of the friendship as a whole.
what makes me have a deeper connection, what makes me go out of my way, what makes me worry and care about certain people more than others... it's chemistry. i'm realizing a lot of friendships in my past were only surface deep. now, that doesn't mean i don't cherish the memories or think any less of the person... but it's difficult, at least for me, to try to force something that just doesn't feel right.
to be honest, i think some of that does have to do with me, and my personality. in the past i've had this wall up, and i've had a hard time truly being myself and finding myself. since i've moved out here i've really discovered what type of person i am, who i enjoy surrounding myself with... i make decisions on my own, meet people on my own... i'm my own person out here and i think that has allowed me to let down the walls and let people in, who before, i would never.
ask any guy i've dated in the past 5 years and he'll probably tell you were broke up because "emily is too selfish" or because "emily is too independent" and you know what, they're probably right (even though they were far from perfect themselves..). but isn't that what finding the right person is all about? isn't that how you realize it's true love... when you don't want to be selfish, when you don't need your "space", when you don't want to go out to bars and flirt with randos because you have everything you need? i think i'm finding that out here. not only with the guy i've spent the last 4 months with, but with the friends i've spent the last 9 months with. nothing makes me happier than seeing them happy!
i'm so grateful to have discovered this side of me, and to have discovered these people who bring out the best in me. moving out here has made me grateful for a lot of things... and i hope the people who i left behind in chicago and nashville and ohio can realize that leaving was the best thing i could have done for myself. there were some casualties along the way... but it's a growing experience, and that's all a part of the process. i hope one day to reconnect with those people on a "real" level and be able to give being more than surface deep friends a shot.
anyways, thank you, ashley, for the kind words today and the the inspiration towards these thoughts. you are far from a surface-deep friend and i hope we stay that way forever! :)
there's a lot of people in my past who might not think the same. i'm sure there's a few people back in chicago and ohio who would say i'm an awful friend - and i'd probably reciprocate those feelings towards them as well. until today, i was thinking about it and wondering how one person could think i'm such a great friend, and someone else could look at me and only see disappointment. a friendship is generally two sided. it takes two to tango, the phone works both ways... yadda yadda.. so maybe the blame for a sour friendship doesn't rest solely on one person (i know there are exceptions... but work with me) maybe it has more to do with the dynamic of the friendship as a whole.
what makes me have a deeper connection, what makes me go out of my way, what makes me worry and care about certain people more than others... it's chemistry. i'm realizing a lot of friendships in my past were only surface deep. now, that doesn't mean i don't cherish the memories or think any less of the person... but it's difficult, at least for me, to try to force something that just doesn't feel right.
to be honest, i think some of that does have to do with me, and my personality. in the past i've had this wall up, and i've had a hard time truly being myself and finding myself. since i've moved out here i've really discovered what type of person i am, who i enjoy surrounding myself with... i make decisions on my own, meet people on my own... i'm my own person out here and i think that has allowed me to let down the walls and let people in, who before, i would never.
ask any guy i've dated in the past 5 years and he'll probably tell you were broke up because "emily is too selfish" or because "emily is too independent" and you know what, they're probably right (even though they were far from perfect themselves..). but isn't that what finding the right person is all about? isn't that how you realize it's true love... when you don't want to be selfish, when you don't need your "space", when you don't want to go out to bars and flirt with randos because you have everything you need? i think i'm finding that out here. not only with the guy i've spent the last 4 months with, but with the friends i've spent the last 9 months with. nothing makes me happier than seeing them happy!
i'm so grateful to have discovered this side of me, and to have discovered these people who bring out the best in me. moving out here has made me grateful for a lot of things... and i hope the people who i left behind in chicago and nashville and ohio can realize that leaving was the best thing i could have done for myself. there were some casualties along the way... but it's a growing experience, and that's all a part of the process. i hope one day to reconnect with those people on a "real" level and be able to give being more than surface deep friends a shot.
anyways, thank you, ashley, for the kind words today and the the inspiration towards these thoughts. you are far from a surface-deep friend and i hope we stay that way forever! :)