(no subject)
i have a really hard time understanding people who posses a solid sense of self control. i lack a whole lot of it, and to be honest... i'm glad i do. when i want something, i go for it - all consequences set aside. and often there are consequences... but hey, nothing ventured nothing gained. i can't help but think if i don't just go for it, i'm going to look back and regret that i didn't allow it to happen - as anxious and "self-conscious" (that's not the right word, but it will suffice for now) as i am, i will never run away from a situation, especially when it comes to relationships.
distance, conflicting schedules, religion, health... these are all things people have given up on me over; these are all things i immediately look past. i had a guy break up with me once in high school because I didn't make it to church every sunday... i understand a person's beliefs are important, and finding someone who carries the same morals is something to seriously weigh out when searching for a companion -- but to me, i'm sorry, it just seems weak. to be closed minded enough to shut someone out who you're happy with in every way possible EXCEPT for the fact that they recognize sunday as the one day a week chickfila is closed, come on. my argument is, sure, maybe this person isn't the "one", but who knows, and who's to say you can't grow off the differences and the difficulties thrown your way? I learned a lot from this person and his beliefs - i'll never be converted to a devout christian, but i sure as hell respected his optimism and faith in people, and it helped me find those qualities in myself, just in a different way.
i guess what got me thinkin about all of this is a situation i was in not too long ago that has nearly driven me to "crazy girl" status -- a place i don't visit often, seriously, i promise. i fell pretty hard for this guy, pretty sure he was right there with me, and it was good.. so good. i mean, we openly talked about how good it was.. but then, outta nowhere, he was done. the baggage that i'm stuck carrying the rest of my life, was just too much for him. i get it to an extent, but when something is so good, and you know it, and there's just one bump in the road, how do you walk away from it? how do you say 'i want you so bad, but i don't want to know what happens if i hit that bump too hard' (that sounds like a dirty euphemism, but you get what i'm saying) who has that kind of self-control!? it makes no sense to me! bumps are tests. i see bumps and i put the peddle to the metal. i could hit that bump in the road, bottom out, blow a tire, spin out of control and completely wreck... or maybe not. but even if i do, i'll take something away from it, and i'll look back and say atleast i went for it and now i won't ever have to wonder...'what if...?'
i worry a lot that i'm never gonna feel excited like that about being with someone again. i know this is harsh, and i'm sure one of these guys i have dated in the last few years will end up reading this and think i'm a completely heartless bitch, but i haven't been giddy and excited, the way i think you're suppose to be, about a guy in three or more years. i look at couples, and their facebook photos and the way they are in public and i have no idea how they got there. i gravitate towards these guys that are a little more insecure, guys that "need" me. it feels good when someone needs you, and is infatuated by you, and can't live without you -- but quite honestly, after about two weeks it gets old. but on the other hand, i've dated guys who are quite the opposite, and they're the ones who typically break my heart and make me feel worthless. so, where are all these guys that fall in between? i think i need one of those...
but right, yeah... now is "me time" so, i don't need another one of those for a good year...
now, don't judge (or do, but don't tell me):
http://www.tempfiles.net/download/201104/154961/After.html
distance, conflicting schedules, religion, health... these are all things people have given up on me over; these are all things i immediately look past. i had a guy break up with me once in high school because I didn't make it to church every sunday... i understand a person's beliefs are important, and finding someone who carries the same morals is something to seriously weigh out when searching for a companion -- but to me, i'm sorry, it just seems weak. to be closed minded enough to shut someone out who you're happy with in every way possible EXCEPT for the fact that they recognize sunday as the one day a week chickfila is closed, come on. my argument is, sure, maybe this person isn't the "one", but who knows, and who's to say you can't grow off the differences and the difficulties thrown your way? I learned a lot from this person and his beliefs - i'll never be converted to a devout christian, but i sure as hell respected his optimism and faith in people, and it helped me find those qualities in myself, just in a different way.
i guess what got me thinkin about all of this is a situation i was in not too long ago that has nearly driven me to "crazy girl" status -- a place i don't visit often, seriously, i promise. i fell pretty hard for this guy, pretty sure he was right there with me, and it was good.. so good. i mean, we openly talked about how good it was.. but then, outta nowhere, he was done. the baggage that i'm stuck carrying the rest of my life, was just too much for him. i get it to an extent, but when something is so good, and you know it, and there's just one bump in the road, how do you walk away from it? how do you say 'i want you so bad, but i don't want to know what happens if i hit that bump too hard' (that sounds like a dirty euphemism, but you get what i'm saying) who has that kind of self-control!? it makes no sense to me! bumps are tests. i see bumps and i put the peddle to the metal. i could hit that bump in the road, bottom out, blow a tire, spin out of control and completely wreck... or maybe not. but even if i do, i'll take something away from it, and i'll look back and say atleast i went for it and now i won't ever have to wonder...'what if...?'
i worry a lot that i'm never gonna feel excited like that about being with someone again. i know this is harsh, and i'm sure one of these guys i have dated in the last few years will end up reading this and think i'm a completely heartless bitch, but i haven't been giddy and excited, the way i think you're suppose to be, about a guy in three or more years. i look at couples, and their facebook photos and the way they are in public and i have no idea how they got there. i gravitate towards these guys that are a little more insecure, guys that "need" me. it feels good when someone needs you, and is infatuated by you, and can't live without you -- but quite honestly, after about two weeks it gets old. but on the other hand, i've dated guys who are quite the opposite, and they're the ones who typically break my heart and make me feel worthless. so, where are all these guys that fall in between? i think i need one of those...
but right, yeah... now is "me time" so, i don't need another one of those for a good year...
now, don't judge (or do, but don't tell me):
http://www.tempfiles.net/download/201104/154961/After.html