progress?
I'm- for the most part- no longer expected to *watch* the step-HeadHunters other than for the short times before and after school. There's no more of him grabbing his keys and heading to the door without taking his youngest with him. It sort of sunk home when he was going to head for the store for milk...
He knew in the early afternoon that he needed to go to the store, but kept putting it off. Had his youngest bathe and get jammies on, knowing he still had to go. Figured he'd leave her here with me and go on his own. Told him NOT A CHANCE!!! His options were take her with or don't go. "But the kids all need milk in the morning for breakfast." Um, you knew about that 7 hours ago; you also knew I wasn't going to watch her. "Well, I'll just have her stay in her bedroom until I get back." I repeat- either you take her with you or you don't go. "It won't take long, I'll be back in a few minutes." Here's the deal, Sparky... you go out the door without her, then you'll be leaving her at the house alone. As soon as you step foot out the door and don't have her with you, me and mine are leaving for a few hours and I will NOT be taking her with us. We'll be gone before you can get to your truck. Now do you understand that I'm serious about this?!? "So you would leave her here alone?" No... you would.
He ended up not going, with a, "Fine, the kids will have to go without milk for breakfast." They didn't, because I had a gallon in the van from an out of town trip that day, and it was plenty cold with the weather at the time. But the point was made, and it *finally* sunk in for him.
Since then, if she doesn't cooperate with him to leave somewhere or he doesn't have someone else to watch her, he doesn't go.
Another thing is that he's (reluctantly) dealing with his ex-wife about 'parenting issues' for his Kids. His youngest has a dr appt at 4:00 in the afternoon today- about the same time his older one gets off the bus. He doesn't get off work until 4:30. His ex could cover both, but he wanted me to make the call and set it up. I refused. He ended up on the phone with her 3 different times last night- once to ask his ex to take their daughter to her appt, once to figure out who was going to pick up their oldest one, and again to let her know where to pick up their youngest one. All things aside, I'd normally figure out all the details and cart all the HeadHunters around, but this time there was a glitch: my oldest has an appt at 3:30. I could have bounced my schedule around to make it work and do it all on my own... but I stopped myself.
How can I expect them to Respect my boundries and the fact that I have things I need to take care of if I don't do it, too? In a way, I forced the parents to be parents. One of the things that's bothered me (and I'm not even sure why) is that I'm more involved with the step-HeadHunters than their parents are. I do more with them, spend more time with them, take care of the 'kid stuff' more with them..... The list goes on. I don't mind filling in for their parents when they truely CAN'T cover the bases with and for them... that's one thing. It's a whole different ball game when I have to cancel an appt for me in order to take one of theirs to an appt because they just don't feel like doing it (as in take a nap, watch tv, go fishing/hunting, or whatever). Maybe I'm being unfair about this? I'm not sure. I do know that when I'm in a pinch and something with my HeadHunters comes up, neither one of them are willing to lend a hand and fill in the gaps for me. Gaps that are usually getting their kids from the bus or whatever while I'm busy somewhere else with mine.
Third area of progress? The other day, the youngest one was on a rant (again) about her dad grounding her from the computer for 2 days for biting, pinching, hitting, kicking, spitting, swearing, trying to run away, throwing things, and completely trashing the house. She started with the usual of telling me and mine to get out/move out/get out of "her" house. Nope, we're not going anywhere unless we decide to. Then came her usual of "This doesn't feel like my house anymore" with the crocodile tears. In the past, it's gotten her a trip to the store for candy and toys. This time around, though, it got her something totally unexpected from her dad: "You're right... it's not 'your' house any more. It's EVERYBODY'S house, so you better start getting used to it!" I honestly don't know who was more shocked and surprised: her or me.
Last, but not least, area of progress.....
During a pretty big rant/tantrum, with my 2 hiding behind me for safety's sake (we were pretty much cornered in the kitchen), and our critters locked away in the upstairs bedroom, my youngest one blurted out that she'd rather live with her dad because he wasn't as mean as 'her' and her dad didn't hurt her as much and break her things as much. The look on my hubby's face said it all... it was a combination of a punch in the gut and a stab in the Heart all at the same time. His new "rule" for that situation: any time my 2 have to hide away themselves or their critters because of the other's actions, words, etc. my two get to go out with him for a special treat- anything from Dairy Queen to a fishing trip or special trip to the store or whatever... and whatever he gets for them is NOT to be shared with his youngest one. Whether he follows through or not remains to be seen. If he doesn't with them, then I will.
At least it's a few steps in the right direction.....?