and the 'joy' continues.....
Tensions have eased somewhat a bit lately- at least for me and mine.
As of the latest bout of lies from the step-HeadHunters, I do and have very little to do with them. I still do the usual mornings of supervising and making sure everything is set and ready for school, and still get from the bus stop for after school... but that's where my level of involvement- physical and emotional- ends. I'm still polite and expect the same level of politeness from my HeadHunters, but being polite and civil is the begining and end of it. A part of my Heart will always be there for them, but I'm done with the issues and bull cookies.
It's not that I don't care anymore.
I DO still care.
I just act like I don't.
From the time their dad walks in the door until he leaves again, I only concern myself with 'my own' and leave the others to do with and for themselves. When they try to get me involved, I make excuses of "I'm busy" whether I am or not. If there's a call-so-and-so, the battery on my cell is too low to make a call even if it's fully charged. When it's. "Emmy, can I (fill in the blank)" I turn it into "What did your Dad say? Go ask him." Their critters are 'only' cared for by them. In theory. (I make sure that they're cared for, but 'hide the evidence' before anyone else is back at the house.)
It kills me, and twists my Heart in ways I didn't know it could go to. But I've come to look at it as a matter of emotional survival. They can play all the games they want to with each other... but me and mine are out of it.
We're all "one family" but 2 have chores and 2 don't, 2 are permitted to be rude and inconsiderate and 2 aren't... the list goes on. I guess I know where my limit is with it. The final breaking point happened Sunday night about computer time for all the HeadHunters.
The only reason RoseyPosey and SummerRose's computer time is limited (Fridays and Saturdays only, and not after 6p.m.) is because the Youngest One gets *stuck* about it and becomes EXTREMELY violent when "I WANT" is met with "no." My HeadHunters were put onto his HeadHunters' computer limits to keep things fair for all. Limits that HE set for them because HE wanted his HeadHunters doing less computer and more of other things.
You know the drill? The same rules, guidelines, and privelages for ALL the HeadHunters. The other part of it was that if/when there were going to be changes on how things are done for and for the HeadHunters, the adults (as in the two people who happen to live in the same house and are married to each other) would discuss it together without HeadHunters around.
1. The adults would be on the same page with each other.
2. All 4 HeadHunters would be on the same guidelines and privelages so there's no more favoritism.
3. It ends the all to common, "Ha ha! I got this and you don't!"
4. Everyone knows what to expect and when.
Gee, it must have been my husband's NICE twin when he and I figured all this out and agreed to it, because it was the evil side that set everything in motion.....
He and I were picking up the Youngest One from her Mom's place. She's carried to the van and put in because she's "too tired" to walk out. She wants to play on the computer when she gets back to the house.
Sorry, Sweetie. You're tired, tomorrow is a school day, and it's 7:00 at night. Computer days are only Fridays and Saturdays for everyone.
"No it's not! My Dad said I could have 3 computer days a week and your kids will only get 2 days a week! I only had 2 days so far so I get another one tonight! You can't tell me what to do! My Dad said I don't have to listen to you so I'm not going to, you fucking bitch!"
Keep in mind that he never corrected her for being rude to me, yelling at me, and calling me a cuss word again... he just sat there and stared out the passenger window.
When I could breathe again and wasn't shaking so bad I asked him, "Is it true?" He didn't answer. I asked him again, and he said that he told her he'd *think* about letting her have a 3rd computer day every week as long as she didn't say anyhting to me and the others about it, and that he told her she doesn't have to listen to me when he's there because of the "coat thing" from Friday.
Re-cap: she came in from school and threw her coat on the floor; I told her to pick it up and hang it up before she turned the TV on; she told me to do it myself and the TV went on; I turned the TV off and said the jacket needed to be hung up before TV time; he picked up her jacket, and hung it up... keep in mind that she ALWAYS has her jacket off before she's in the door, and the coat rack is RIGHT NEXT TO THE DOOR- all it would take is moving her arm about 6 inches to hang the jacket up on the way in.
ARC = accountability, responsibility, concequences
vs.
"Emmy is being mean again."
The end result has been this:
1. Me and mine are going back to the "Rules and Guidelines" we had when we lived at the apartment (as in before we lived here).
2. Them and theirs are no longer our concern, regardless of what they do and don't do.
3. From this point on, any time mine have to lock themselves and/or the critters in the bedroom to stay safe, they get a "Bonus" Time Ticket that can be used right away (later bedtime, extra snack, etc.) or saved towards a weekend outing (weekend in Green Bay, Milwaukee, Marquette- head out on a Saturday morning, stay at a motel overnight, do all the 'sites and sounds' in whatever area we're in).
4. Our plans are just that... our plans. If they want to join in, they can. In his vehicle and on his dime. We're not doing ANYthing "together" and the "as a family" is over. If we all end up at the same place at the same time for something, that's all it is. They do their thing and we do ours.
5. Me and mine are going to re-make an "I Decide" poster, and live by it. (I did this with them when we first got into the apartment. We weren't going to live by the *rules* we had been while dan and I were together... we were going to make our own rules about how to live and how to treat/not treat people and each other.)
6. We're going back to only picking up after ourselves. The 3 of us will still each have 'daily household chores' BUT if it ends up that we have to clear from someone else to do our chores, one of 2 things will happen: we'll either skip it and do a different chore, or we'll load everything into a basket and dump it out into the responsible person's bedroom floor.
7. Regular meals and meal times go back into effect...we sit at the table for it like we used to. Doesn't matter what anyone else is doing or has going on. If we're chased from the table (hit, kicked, spit on, yelled/swore at, etc.) during meal time AND SummerRose and RoseyPosey stay calm about it they earn a bonus restaurant or fast food meal for the week.
I keep hoping for (and working towards) things coming together in a GOOD way.
It's a hell of a way to live.....
but it's been reduced to 'survival mode' for now.....
and the 'joy' continues.....