Black-and-Red Conflict - Ch.28 & 29
Pairing: Renji and Byakuya
Rating: PG for Ch.28, NC-15 for Ch.29 (overall M)
Spoilers: for the end of the SoulSociety arc
Discl.: Bleach and all its characters are (c) to kubotite. I do not make money with this.
Content: Byakuya is an arrogant bastard, says Renji. Abarai is an impertinent nuisance, says Byakuya. Unfortunately for them, opposites attract.
Notes: sorry... as always... but hey, this time you gets 2 chapters! worth the wait, hopefully :S damn it was a piece of work getting them together and i think it still seems a bit awkward, but then... that's what it came down do.
hope you enjoy ^^
btw, waraji are that kind of straw sandals that you see them wearing in bleach, just in case someone stumbles over the word
beta-read by marinliliz thank you!! :)
~~~Twenty-Eight~~~
Hope
Renji cursed. This whole situation, Byakuya, himself. He paced and growled and tightened his hands into fists, but nothing helped. He felt it already, knew already that he would do it once more, that he would give in again, would say yes.
Yes. He would go to the Kuchiki mansion the day Unohana-taichou released him. Yes. Even though they had never spoken something like this out loud, he would give Byakuya one more chance. And he felt so stupid for it, so angry.
Renji paced for several minutes while Byakuya silently watched, his own heartbeat drumming heavily against his throat with the tension. Finally the redhead turned back towards him, looking at the noble angrily, accusingly.
He would have liked to attack him, hit that smooth aristocratic face if he hadn't been defenseless before it, his wrath not rendered useless already by just the imagination of one single touch of those pale lips.
They parted to say: “Will you come?”
And the lieutenant almost shouted: “Whaddaya think? Why do ya even ask? Ya know it already don't ya? Ya've beaten me long ago, and don't tell me ya didn't mean ta...”, he waved his hand about, “...ta make it like this. Fuck, ya done a great job.”
Renji felt beaten, felt like a dog whose teeth had been pulled out, who had nothing left to do but bark, because he could not bite that slender hand.
“Renji...”
“YES! 'll come. Alright? Ya heard it?”
They stared at each other until eventually Byakuya nodded once. Then Renji turned his back on him again, never realizing how the noble's features changed for a moment, displaying desperation and hurt.
“Go away”, he said and Byakuya complied, the sound of the door closing behind him loud in the bleak white room as Renji was left alone with his thoughts again.
He wanted to believe it so much. Wanted so much that this would work out, that Byakuya would really change. But even though his hope had been awoken again, at the same time he did not want to let himself believe it. He shied back from the thought of being close to his captain because it was the one thing he craved so much. It was a paradox that was hard to handle for someone like Renji, who did not know how to deal with a concept so complicated. Having to double check his own feelings again and again without ever understanding them was something that left him completely lost. He was not stupid, whatever the opinion of many, but he simply preferred to follow more clearly shaped ideas and goals. Byakuya was something that was about as far away from “clear” as you could get. A relationship with that very man was almost impossible to comprehend. And that was it, the fact that put this big, hard lump in his throat that made it hard to breathe.
It wasn't possible. They were worlds apart and both of them were too proud to go far enough to make it work. Renji had tried, but knew he could not live like that, could not be in a relationship in which he could not be equal to his partner. And Byakuya... Renji shook his head and took a deep breath. If anybody knew how unlikely it was for Byakuya to change, it was him. Still, he wanted it so much, craved so much for it to be possible that he fell prey to his own hope once again.
And hope, Renji came to understand on the same and the following day when he was still confined to the hospital, could be most cruel. It nested in his heart, giving him an illusion of warmth while just beneath it the coldness of potential despair lurked. Minutes seemed like hours, hours seemed like days in the white rooms, long hallways and wide yard, only now and then broken by short visits of friends and colleagues who weren't away on missions and could spare a short time in their busy schedules. Eventually, even the prospect of facing his captain again, as oppressive as it was and as much as it woke conflictive feelings in Renji, was better than spending just one more day here. So when he was finally allowed to leave, he walked away with vigor in his steps, despite the pressure he felt himself under.
He went to eat lunch with Rukia, chatting away as if everything was as it had always been, as if nothing had ever happened. If anything was able to put Renji at least a bit at ease, then it was that. The small woman had helped him so much before just by listening, but Byakuya had been on the redhead's mind constantly the last hours, so all he wanted and needed now was a diversion. As the old friend she was, she felt it and was there by his side, being just the annoying and perky, but underneath, the so trustworthy person he needed.
Later he went home. Just to check everything was alright, and to get out of the borrowed kimono he had got at the 4th after they had thrown his ruined uniform away. As he pulled his rather haphazardly folded spare uniform out of his closet he caught the glimpse of something red underneath it and paused.
His fingers touched the fabric of the kimono on their own while his mind wandered back in his memories. The thick, raw silk felt cool under his fingers, the red was the deepest and richest he had ever seen. When he had held it in his hands for the first time after he’d found it on his desk, given to him by his captain, it had put him into a cold rage. But the evening he had finally worn it - at the dinner in the Kuchiki mansion - had been one of the most fateful in his life.
Should everything, all that had happened, really have been for nothing? There had been so many bad things, but it would be a lie to claim that there hadn't been something good as well. He remembered cherry blossoms dancing in unison with Zabimaru, the inside of his captain's hand against his fingertips, the desire - desire for Renji - in that low, silken voice.
The lieutenant shook his head as he realized to which kind of memories of which kind of... encounters his thoughts would lead him if he let them continue like this. He felt how heat threatened to pool in his loins, how something urged his heart to beat faster and knew he had to do something to distract himself before he would be lost to fantasies that weren't really very helpful to have right now.
Moving fast and purposefully, he undressed and went to wash himself, afterwards stretching his shoulder and arm carefully, testing his newly healed muscles and bones. There was no pain left, he realized with satisfaction, only a slight stiffness. There was nothing to hold him back then, nothing but his mind.
Clad in the dark red kimono, Zabimaru humming with shared tension at his side, he set off toward the Kuchiki-mansion.
The last time he had been here it had been brightly illuminated, with servants moving swiftly to attend to the guests of the clan meeting. As he walked down the short path from the guarded gate toward the main door now, the whole estate seemed much calmer. The huge gardens were one deep shadow behind it, dark and still and impenetrable to the eyes. The house itself looked quietly attentive, like a cat sitting with its eyes closed but both ears wide open and well aware of its surroundings.
Warm, yellow light fell onto the path as a servant opened the door and, bowing, invited Renji in. The lieutenant hesitated for a few seconds, unsuccessfully trying to swallow down his tension, but then he stepped out of his waraji and followed the young woman through the house. Everything was still and only few lamps shone a gentle, warm light from some corners as he was led past the large dining room and straight through the main part of the mansion toward its back. It wasn't easy remembering one's way in a house as large as this and in which most of the hallways seemed to look the same, but when they finally turned one more corner, the walls suddenly looked strangely familiar to Renji and as one door on the left was slid open for him, he knew why.
This was the same room that Byakuya had led him to in the night of the clan meeting, and now, too, his captain stood before another door in the opposite wall, which led out to the still gardens. He turned as Renji entered and the moment of satisfaction the lieutenant should have felt as he saw the eyes of the noble widen, vanished as he himself became aware of Byakuya. No Kenseikan was there to restrain the raven hair and instead it flowed softly over his shoulders, heavy in contrast to the light gray, almost silver kimono he was wearing.
But what left an even greater impression than Byakuya's beauty was the fact of how tired he looked, and how frail. Of course he was smaller and leaner than Renji, had always been, but now, somehow, without the familiar uniform, without either the captain's or the clan-head's haori, he looked more slender to his lieutenant than ever before.
All the while Renji, tall, muscular, with his hair open and clad in that red kimono, was to Byakuya a sight that made his breath catch in his throat. It was hard to tear his eyes off him, and only after a few seconds of awkward silence that seemed to have become compulsory whenever the two of them met nowadays, did Byakuya finally say: “I... am glad you came.”
The redhead frowned and then nodded, staying where he was, not sure what to do with himself. There was silence again as he looked around. A low table stood close to one wall, some papers and a teacup on it, a flat cushion before it. The door to the gardens was ajar.
“How are you?”
Renji focused back on Byakuya, trying to detect something more than just the question in that level voice, but finding nothing. Did the noble even really care? It didn't sound like it, but then he never did. And he really looked so tired. Renji found himself wondering how many nights someone like Kuchiki Byakuya needed to stay awake to actually look it. He couldn't help guessing it to be damn many.
“'m a'right.”
Then they were silent again just looking at each other. Renji let out a long breath of air, then pushed his hand through his hair. First he was ordered here and then they just stood around fidgeting? It was annoying, really.
“Y' know what? I'm hungry. Ya like, ordered me here, how 'bout at least givin' me something ta eat?”
From the corner of his eyes he noticed how the servant focused on him in shock. Of course she would hardly be used to hearing someone speak to her master, the head of Kuchiki-clan, this way. Also on Byakuya's features could a moment of surprise be seen, but then the noble looked away, nodding slowly.
“The dinner should be ready, I believe?” he said and the servant nodded hurriedly.
“Of course, Kuchiki-sama. It will be served this moment,” the woman replied, then bowed and turned to lead them to a small dining-room only a few meters across the hallway.
At the moment they were seated, the food was brought in, just as abundant and delicious as could be expected. But none of the two men seated before it seemed to take notice of it.
They stole looks at each other. Tentative glances trying to read the other without giving away anything of one's own thoughts. But it was impossible. After a while Renji got sick of the game, and sat back, staring openly at Byakuya. He had come here with a purpose in mind after all. He had come here with the goal of resolving this whole situation. And he would. As those thoughts crossed his mind he suddenly grew very calm. Calm and confident as he hadn't been for quite some time.
Gray eyes rose to meet his, then held his gaze, then narrowed.
The sudden determination in Renji's posture unsettled the noble. The redhead would take the offensive now, and Byakuya knew he did not have very strong arguments on his side. But this was what needed to happen, this was the chance he had wanted and the last one he would be given.
Byakuya told the two attendants serving them to leave.
Then, alone with Renji, scrutinized by those red eyes, he looked away.
Byakuya was not a man who was very familiar with the concept of hope. If one had power and wealth like it came with being born into the Kuchiki-clan, they didn't have to hope for things, they generally simply made them happen. But in the short time that had passed since he had persuaded Renji to come here, the feeling had taken hold of him without him even consciously realizing. It had sneaked into his heart and had made him believe everything would be alright, if his lieutenant just came here.
“I'm not goin' ta be your dog anymore.”
But of course it wasn't that easy.
“I never...”
“But ya did. You made me one. You pushed me where ya wanted me ta be. I don't wannit anymore.”
Renji didn't raise his voice, spoke quite calmly in fact, but his tone nonetheless made clear that this, now, was his call. His right to speak his mind, his right to demand.
Byakuya stared straight ahead at him, his mask wavering. It was still impossible to say what exactly the noble felt or thought, but he was not confident, at least that much was clear.
This was so hard. Despite the fact that he had made excuses to Renji before, it still seemed impossible whenever he had to do it again. It was just something so unnatural to his character, something so unusual to happen to someone like him that it didn't seem to get any easier, no matter how often he had to do it. He spoke hesitantly.
“It will not happen anymore.”
“'n why should I believe ya?”
The feeling of déjà vu crossed both their minds and Byakuya tried to hold Renji's gaze but failed again. Sitting stiffly he instead looked at his own hand as it carefully laid down his chopsticks. He felt too warm, but was shivering on the inside. He wanted to sleep and, realizing it with shame, flee at the same time. And as he caught another glance at Renji he knew he wanted the redhead, wanted him so much it hurt, but knew he could not unless he conquered himself.
The war that raged inside the noble was not one that could be understood by any other person. No one else could have ever felt such an impossible conflict between his nature and what he knew now to be the right thing to do.
“I...,” he started in a coarse voice, but realizing at the same time that he would not be able to say it, would not be able to offer himself, stopped and turned his head away, hiding his features.
Renji watched him with something like disbelief and fascination, pity and newly growing anger. He really couldn't do it, could he? Byakuya simply wasn't able to. He sat there, all rigid, defensive, tense, his whole body speaking of the need to be given a break, but he simply refused it. If Renji needed any more prove of how twisted the character of his captain was, then this was it.
“Man, ya really crazy. Ya can't give in at all.” Renji shook his head, then stood up and walked two steps, simply just to move. Byakuya's head jerked towards him at the movement, while he remained sitting but tense, as if part of him wanted to jump up and make sure Renji went nowhere, while something else kept him glued to the ground.
“Renji...” There, hidden beneath that voice, the edge of panic.
The redhead turned and there was that hidden plea in those eyes again and there Renji realized that, maybe, he really just needed to leave. Needed to make Byakuya truly feel what it meant not to get what he wanted.
“No,” Renji said, his words cold, “I'm not doin' what ya want anymore without gettin' anythin' back from ya.”
He wasn't even completely sure what exactly he wanted the noble to say, but he had sworn to himself he would not give in anymore. He needed at least something. Something about that he felt for Renji and wanted him too, or that he would give in, would offer himself, but there was nothing. There was just silence.
If Byakuya did not come to him, if Byakuya could not give in, could not even truly trust, could not give himself up even once to show that he could give something back for everything he had taken, then there was nothing left here for Renji. He turned towards the door.
“'m not hungry'nymore,” he said and pushed the panel open without further ado, while behind him Byakuya sat frozen, eyes wide, barely realizing what was just happening, and what it meant.
Something screamed at him in the back of his head. To get up, to stop Renji from leaving, but he would not move. Not even as the redhead paused another time in the door to look back before he shook his head and stepped through it, closing it behind him.
~~~
~~~Twenty-Nine~~~
Capitulation
Wind whipped dark gray and black grass, a sea of dead blades. Clouds were rushing and turning overhead, shedding heavy, dirty rain. The footing underneath was a treacherous affair of dark mud, filled with invisible holes that made one's feet stagger and twist.
It felt as if Byakuya had fought against the storm for hours and hours already, pushing on practically blindly, trying to protect his face and eyes from the onslaught with his arm and heading for the center of this whirlwind.
Where he was he did not know. Neither the when or the why. But he had to go forward, ever forward, for there was a driving need in him that bordered on physical pain and forced him to set one foot before the other even though he was exhausted and cold and there was no sensible reason whatsoever to be out here in this weather.
So on he went on and as he neared the eye of the storm the wind started to settle down and there, suddenly the gray world around him began to be dotted now and then with flecks of color. They were hard to follow at first, but then the spots increased in number as they were blown past him and finally he could make out what they were: some of the myriads of blades of his own bankai, their light pink color surreal in this bleak and hostile place.
But shouldn't she, Senbonzakura, be sheathed at his side? And yes, as he felt for the familiar hilt he found it, but froze as his fingers closed around it. It didn't feel right. He pulled it out and lifted it up to his eyes and almost let go of it in shock. Blood was dripping from it, wet and still warm. And suddenly the vivid, bright red liquid started to flow over his hand and arm, then down his body and up over his head, covering his skin, soaking his clothes and hair. He thrust the blade off him and it landed in the grass with a wet, sickening sound he should not have been able to hear through the still strongly blowing wind, but which nevertheless resounded in his ears for many long seconds.
As he lifted his eyes from the thing on the ground and looked ahead, he saw a few meters in front of him a cloud of pink blades, whirling in a tight circle around something in their midst which he could not make out between their uncountable numbers. He wanted to call them back, seal them away so he would be able to see, but as he lifted his hand he felt himself up against a wall of malevolent, raging power that felt nothing like Senbonzakura.
But he needed to see. He knew that whatever was in the center of those blades was what he was here for, so despite the repulsion he felt against that thing that was not his sword anymore he pushed on and into the turmoil. As he saw the first strands of red hair, a horrible premonition grew inside of him but he knelt down slowly nonetheless, the small blades whipping against him and only parting reluctantly as he tried to wave them away.
It was Renji. He lay naked on his back, his eyes fixed on the sky, motionless. But something about him didn't fit. His tattoos weren't right. They should have been black, black bold lines tracing the skin over his strong frame, but they weren't. They were blood red and as Byakuya extended a single finger to touch them, he realized why. They were not tattoos anymore, but wounds. They had been carved deep into Renji's body, far past the skin, into his muscles and bones and the reason that the lieutenant was staring on ahead into the sky and not reacting to his captains presence or to the wounds covering him, was because he was already dead. And as the noble wanted to shy away he suddenly realized that he could not, for all the blood that had flown out of Renji and onto the ground had gathered around his own feet and congealed, making it impossible to move away.
Byakuya wanted to scream, but could not...
… waking up to find both of his own hands pressed over his mouth so hard he could not breathe. He let go, gasping for air and then sat up with one sudden motion, pushing the blanket away from him in an almost frantic manner and bracing himself against the floor as vertigo and nausea swept over him. He felt bile rise in his throat and was up on his feet and stumbling to the door, ripping it open to step out onto the patio. There he stood for several minutes, leaning against one of the wooden beams which the roof rested upon. He forced himself to take slow, deep breaths of the cold morning air until eventually the worst nausea and dizziness had ebbed away far enough for him to start and try to make sense of what had just happened.
It had been a dream, a nightmare. Just a nightmare. But the knowledge didn't help much against the violent tremble that still shook his body. The picture of his lieutenant dead before him, ripped open by a thousand, tiny, pink blades was still too vivid, the feel of the blood on his fingers had been terrifyingly real.
And he did not need to delude himself about what had triggered this.
Asking Renji here to his mansion had been Byakuya's last resort. Hardly two days ago, actually admitting to himself that he returned his lieutenant's feelings and the decision to go as far as giving himself up to the redhead, had yielded a blissful, but short time of peace for his mind, but he still had been too tense in the face of what was to come to actually rest. And then, when finally everything should have been resolved, he had failed. The tiny, defiant voice in his mind that was convinced that Renji hadn't given him much possibility to do so, was silenced remorselessly. He had fought too much against himself already, had hardly any energy left for it and also knew that there simply was no valid excuse for him.
All he had done when Renji left was staring to the ground, disbelieving that something like this could happen to him. That something he, Kuchiki Byakuya, wanted and had suffered for would simply not come true. It had been impossible to comprehend. So instead of going after Renji, which would have seemed the sensible thing for every normal person to do, the man who never had to run after anybody ever in his life, had remained seated. And later, still numbed, disbelieving, he had let his body take over as it had finally demanded what it had been deprived of for way too many nights: rest.
He had gone to sleep. A sleep that now filled him with terror, all too clearly reminding him of what it would feel like to lose Renji. His heart beat faster again, and he slowly sat down on the patio, knowing that he could not go back to bed, could not risk seeing images like that in front of his closed eyes again. It had reminded him too much of what he had felt in the Real World when he had searched for Renji but had not been able to sense his reiatsu.
In that moment, another slide door leading onto the patio opened behind him. Assuming that one of the servants must have noticed him moving around, Byakuya said: “There is nothing I need. Leave me alone.”
Only a second later did he notice the familiar spirit energy. He lifted his head, eyes wide, but did not turn.
“But you left...,” he whispered, suddenly completely focused. Even though he knew that it had only been a nightmare, it had left him shaken and way too close to the feeling he had had once before, when he had thought Renji lost. To be aware of the redhead's reiatsu at his back now, stirred something deep inside of him.
“Nope.” There was a long yawn. “Went fora walk. Then remembered that my landlady hates when I get back late a'night. 'N after all, since I already came here, why'd I miss out onna free breakfast?” There was a slight pause, after which the voice took on a more serious tone. “And i'seemed ta me as if a bit o'shock would remind ya if there was still sumthin' more ya wanted ta tell me.”
Byakuya turned and looked up to find Renji leaning casually against the door, arms crossed before his chest.
The noble was at a loss of what to feel, he opened his mouth only to shut it again immediately. He was bewildered and somewhat enraged at the fact of being tricked like this, of being forced into feeling what he had, but then he was too relieved that Renji was still here for his anger to last long. And the redhead was whole, unhurt. Byakuya frowned at that thought. Of course Renji was unhurt. Of course his tattoos were only tattoos and not bloody wounds. It had only been a dream. A dream but also a nightmare so terrible he would not forget it any time soon.
The important fact that remained was that Renji was here. He hadn't left. Did this mean Byakuya hadn't missed his chance yet?
He had felt so empty. And now this emptiness was suddenly filled, filled so fast it seemed he would burst any second. Filled with anxiety, nervousness, hope. Here he was, stripped of all defenses, as vulnerable as never before. There was nothing left to hide the emotions that played over his features now and in one last attempt to hide himself, his head was turned towards the gardens as he rose. But then, a few moments later he seemed to have reached a decision and he looked back at Renji.
His fierce will and pride, weakened by the shock of thinking everything lost, weakened also by the dream, were to be left behind now. He knew now that they could not save him from what it would feel like to lose Renji.
First hesitantly, then more determined, he lifted his arms slightly, only a few centimeters away from his sides, the palms of his hands upwards.
One of Renji's eyebrows rose, strangely exaggerated by the tattoos on his forehead.
“Ya look kinda like a kicked puppy, know tha'?”
Byakuya didn't react to the words and Renji, not having expected it in any case, pushed himself away from the door to take a few steps until he stood before the noble, only centimeters away from the slender hands. As they moved forward though, seeking to touch, the redhead moved away from them. Byakuya frowned.
“But this is what you want,” he said.
“Sorry, dunno whatya mean.” Renji's eyes grew hard and there was an edge to his voice that made perfectly clear that he in fact he had a pretty good idea of what Byakuya meant, but would not be satisfied this easily.
The noble frowned and took one deep breath. He looked down and then, slowly, as if he had to force his own hands to obey, he untied his obi. The yukata fell open to reveal him naked underneath.
His heart beat so strongly against his ribcage by now that he felt himself shaking in unison with it.
Renji's eyes widened slightly and he swallowed hard. It was so difficult not to rush forward and take hold of Byakuya. His loins burned at the look of the slender, extremely attractive body before him and that fire would soon displace the fascination he felt at seeing that otherwise so cold face as open as he hadn't thought he ever would. But still he refused to move.
As not much later the yukata fell to the floor behind Byakuya, his exposed, so very light skin seemed to have a sheen of its own, only enhanced by the soft yellow light that was emitted from the small lamps, which lined a path into the gardens to their right.
And that body trembled. Renji could see it and knew it was not of cold. He suddenly realized what kind of battle must been going on in Byakuya's head, how hard it really must be for the other to stand here before him like this, vulnerable, completely defenseless. But fighting the compassion, Renji leaned forward towards Byakuya's ear, still avoiding to touch the noble, even though it took every last ounce of his control.
“Mhh,” he purred, a sound coming from deep within his chest, “but I still didn't hear it.”
Byakuya's eyes widened and he drew in one single, long, shaky breath, paralyzed as Renji's voice washed over him and brought in its wake a wave of desire he had not known before. Every single hair on his body seemed to stand up and he felt himself grow hard rapidly. He turned his face towards Renji's, but was not granted more than one fleeting, soft touch of a slightly rough cheek against his lips before the redhead leaned back again.
“Say it.” The lieutenant insisted, even though his own throaty voice spoke of his own longing and his erection complained that it really was more than ready to get on with it, even without those words. But some part of Renji remained stubbornly insisting. He wanted those words.
Byakuya evaded his eyes and then the pale lips moved slowly, tentatively feeling their way around something that didn’t yet have a sound.
It should be alright now, shouldn't it? He wanted this, didn't he? He knew he needed to trust Renji. But why must he be forced to voice his capitulation? It was so hard, saying it out loud. And of course that was the reason Renji wanted it. He wanted him completely. Wanted that there was no barrier left.
The moment seemed to stretch into infinity, until finally there was, quietly, Byakuya's voice to accompany the movement of his lips.
“I am yours.”
Renji's breath caught in his throat as he stood still for a few more seconds before he reached out with his hand, laying it flat against the junction of Byakuya's shoulder and neck. The skin felt cool and it was no wonder there were goosebumps appearing on it, since the air was cold and the only cloth that could have warmed the noble lay on the floor behind him. But it would not be so hard warming him now, Renji thought, not now that he was his.
The redhead adjusted his grip so he could support the base of Byakuya's head, threading his fingers through the black hair and taking hold of it as he leaned down toward the pale lips. He paused short of touching them, but then, not able to hold back any longer, invaded them with a passionate kiss.
His free hand wound around Byakuya's hip, then rested flatly against his lower back and pulled him closer until their bodies were pressed together tightly.
That pure skin against his hand, the way the smaller body fitted completely into his embrace, and how it shuddered when he moved his own body against it, thrusting with increasing strength, in rhythm with their kiss; it was unbelievable. Both were gasping for breath as Renji eventually pulled back, pushing his face against Byakuya's neck instead, telling himself to slow down, so he could savor every second of this.
But it wasn't easy, taking his time. Of course he had seen Byakuya naked before this, but then never completely. There had always been some piece of clothing left on the captain whenever they had had sex. Seeing the dark-haired man this completely uncovered before him was unbelievably arousing.
And this time Byakuya wouldn't push him away. Renji felt it. He did not actually expect to get through with this completely without resistance from his captain, but then he was pretty sure that not even the noble would risk breaking this off in the middle anymore.
But he did tense noticeably as Renji's hand on his back went lower to grab his buttocks, pulling the smaller man closer, ever closer while he tightened his grip on the dark hair and started sucking on the slender neck, making no little use of his teeth. Byakuya hissed and tensed and braced himself with his hands against Renji, but he did not dare push him away.
The redhead could feel the noble's heartbeat heavily against his own body and as he noticed its rapid rate, another feeling suddenly started to appear somewhere beneath the impossibly strong want and lust that controlled him by now. Slowly at first, but growing as the redhead's surprised attention focused on it, was protectiveness. And the feeling spread as he noticed how Byakuya tried to slow down his breathing but failed, how the slender fingers clenched, how his whole body was tense like that of a startled horse, which wanted to shy and flee but was held fast by a cruelly tight rein.
It was that protectiveness that made Renji realize that he could not willingly hurt Byakuya, even though he had secretly wanted it, to get just a little payback for all the times he had been pressed into playing the submissive role. As he held that frail body against him now, and felt it shiver as Byakuya still remained fighting against his own instinct of pulling away, the only thing Renji felt at the idea of hurting that man was disgust.
No, he would not willingly hurt him. Instead he would protect Byakuya, even if he thought he was in no need of protection. Renji would prove that he was worth all the trouble they had been through, and would no doubt still have to go through in the future. He would prove that he was not just a stupid, uncouth man who followed only his lowest instincts, and also that he, in contrast to Byakuya, did care about what his actions made another person feel.
He gradually loosened his grip and centered both of his hands on Byakuya's back, then buried his face in the raven hair and inhaled deeply.
The gray eyes which had been clenched close when Renji's attention had become more and more forward and eventually almost violent, opened in surprise as the embrace loosened and Renji's whole bearing suddenly changed. He had been overwhelmed by the force with which Renji had been all over him, it had put him off, had brought all his self-protective instincts to the front at once, leaving him with the almost impossible task to battle them down, since he was not allowed to let this go awry now.
But this felt differently. The way the strong arms encircled him now, the way Renji's breath was warm against his head and neck, the way he still touched the redhead's body but more softly, more sensually, it finally really made him feel as if indeed there was nothing wrong with this. There was nothing to be feared. This, here in Renji's arms, was probably not where he was supposed to be from the viewpoint of a captain, but now it finally became clear to him, that if he, Byakuya, wanted to be here, then everything was alright.
Everything was alright.
~~~
i know i know... you probably wanna kill me after this cliff hanger again ... BUT! be assured, now that i have finally managed to clear off most of the problems, you can look forward to one nice undisturbed lemon ^^ isn't that a nice prospect? oh btw... i like comments ;)
Rating: PG for Ch.28, NC-15 for Ch.29 (overall M)
Spoilers: for the end of the SoulSociety arc
Discl.: Bleach and all its characters are (c) to kubotite. I do not make money with this.
Content: Byakuya is an arrogant bastard, says Renji. Abarai is an impertinent nuisance, says Byakuya. Unfortunately for them, opposites attract.
Notes: sorry... as always... but hey, this time you gets 2 chapters! worth the wait, hopefully :S damn it was a piece of work getting them together and i think it still seems a bit awkward, but then... that's what it came down do.
hope you enjoy ^^
btw, waraji are that kind of straw sandals that you see them wearing in bleach, just in case someone stumbles over the word
beta-read by marinliliz thank you!! :)
~~~Twenty-Eight~~~
Hope
Renji cursed. This whole situation, Byakuya, himself. He paced and growled and tightened his hands into fists, but nothing helped. He felt it already, knew already that he would do it once more, that he would give in again, would say yes.
Yes. He would go to the Kuchiki mansion the day Unohana-taichou released him. Yes. Even though they had never spoken something like this out loud, he would give Byakuya one more chance. And he felt so stupid for it, so angry.
Renji paced for several minutes while Byakuya silently watched, his own heartbeat drumming heavily against his throat with the tension. Finally the redhead turned back towards him, looking at the noble angrily, accusingly.
He would have liked to attack him, hit that smooth aristocratic face if he hadn't been defenseless before it, his wrath not rendered useless already by just the imagination of one single touch of those pale lips.
They parted to say: “Will you come?”
And the lieutenant almost shouted: “Whaddaya think? Why do ya even ask? Ya know it already don't ya? Ya've beaten me long ago, and don't tell me ya didn't mean ta...”, he waved his hand about, “...ta make it like this. Fuck, ya done a great job.”
Renji felt beaten, felt like a dog whose teeth had been pulled out, who had nothing left to do but bark, because he could not bite that slender hand.
“Renji...”
“YES! 'll come. Alright? Ya heard it?”
They stared at each other until eventually Byakuya nodded once. Then Renji turned his back on him again, never realizing how the noble's features changed for a moment, displaying desperation and hurt.
“Go away”, he said and Byakuya complied, the sound of the door closing behind him loud in the bleak white room as Renji was left alone with his thoughts again.
He wanted to believe it so much. Wanted so much that this would work out, that Byakuya would really change. But even though his hope had been awoken again, at the same time he did not want to let himself believe it. He shied back from the thought of being close to his captain because it was the one thing he craved so much. It was a paradox that was hard to handle for someone like Renji, who did not know how to deal with a concept so complicated. Having to double check his own feelings again and again without ever understanding them was something that left him completely lost. He was not stupid, whatever the opinion of many, but he simply preferred to follow more clearly shaped ideas and goals. Byakuya was something that was about as far away from “clear” as you could get. A relationship with that very man was almost impossible to comprehend. And that was it, the fact that put this big, hard lump in his throat that made it hard to breathe.
It wasn't possible. They were worlds apart and both of them were too proud to go far enough to make it work. Renji had tried, but knew he could not live like that, could not be in a relationship in which he could not be equal to his partner. And Byakuya... Renji shook his head and took a deep breath. If anybody knew how unlikely it was for Byakuya to change, it was him. Still, he wanted it so much, craved so much for it to be possible that he fell prey to his own hope once again.
And hope, Renji came to understand on the same and the following day when he was still confined to the hospital, could be most cruel. It nested in his heart, giving him an illusion of warmth while just beneath it the coldness of potential despair lurked. Minutes seemed like hours, hours seemed like days in the white rooms, long hallways and wide yard, only now and then broken by short visits of friends and colleagues who weren't away on missions and could spare a short time in their busy schedules. Eventually, even the prospect of facing his captain again, as oppressive as it was and as much as it woke conflictive feelings in Renji, was better than spending just one more day here. So when he was finally allowed to leave, he walked away with vigor in his steps, despite the pressure he felt himself under.
He went to eat lunch with Rukia, chatting away as if everything was as it had always been, as if nothing had ever happened. If anything was able to put Renji at least a bit at ease, then it was that. The small woman had helped him so much before just by listening, but Byakuya had been on the redhead's mind constantly the last hours, so all he wanted and needed now was a diversion. As the old friend she was, she felt it and was there by his side, being just the annoying and perky, but underneath, the so trustworthy person he needed.
Later he went home. Just to check everything was alright, and to get out of the borrowed kimono he had got at the 4th after they had thrown his ruined uniform away. As he pulled his rather haphazardly folded spare uniform out of his closet he caught the glimpse of something red underneath it and paused.
His fingers touched the fabric of the kimono on their own while his mind wandered back in his memories. The thick, raw silk felt cool under his fingers, the red was the deepest and richest he had ever seen. When he had held it in his hands for the first time after he’d found it on his desk, given to him by his captain, it had put him into a cold rage. But the evening he had finally worn it - at the dinner in the Kuchiki mansion - had been one of the most fateful in his life.
Should everything, all that had happened, really have been for nothing? There had been so many bad things, but it would be a lie to claim that there hadn't been something good as well. He remembered cherry blossoms dancing in unison with Zabimaru, the inside of his captain's hand against his fingertips, the desire - desire for Renji - in that low, silken voice.
The lieutenant shook his head as he realized to which kind of memories of which kind of... encounters his thoughts would lead him if he let them continue like this. He felt how heat threatened to pool in his loins, how something urged his heart to beat faster and knew he had to do something to distract himself before he would be lost to fantasies that weren't really very helpful to have right now.
Moving fast and purposefully, he undressed and went to wash himself, afterwards stretching his shoulder and arm carefully, testing his newly healed muscles and bones. There was no pain left, he realized with satisfaction, only a slight stiffness. There was nothing to hold him back then, nothing but his mind.
Clad in the dark red kimono, Zabimaru humming with shared tension at his side, he set off toward the Kuchiki-mansion.
The last time he had been here it had been brightly illuminated, with servants moving swiftly to attend to the guests of the clan meeting. As he walked down the short path from the guarded gate toward the main door now, the whole estate seemed much calmer. The huge gardens were one deep shadow behind it, dark and still and impenetrable to the eyes. The house itself looked quietly attentive, like a cat sitting with its eyes closed but both ears wide open and well aware of its surroundings.
Warm, yellow light fell onto the path as a servant opened the door and, bowing, invited Renji in. The lieutenant hesitated for a few seconds, unsuccessfully trying to swallow down his tension, but then he stepped out of his waraji and followed the young woman through the house. Everything was still and only few lamps shone a gentle, warm light from some corners as he was led past the large dining room and straight through the main part of the mansion toward its back. It wasn't easy remembering one's way in a house as large as this and in which most of the hallways seemed to look the same, but when they finally turned one more corner, the walls suddenly looked strangely familiar to Renji and as one door on the left was slid open for him, he knew why.
This was the same room that Byakuya had led him to in the night of the clan meeting, and now, too, his captain stood before another door in the opposite wall, which led out to the still gardens. He turned as Renji entered and the moment of satisfaction the lieutenant should have felt as he saw the eyes of the noble widen, vanished as he himself became aware of Byakuya. No Kenseikan was there to restrain the raven hair and instead it flowed softly over his shoulders, heavy in contrast to the light gray, almost silver kimono he was wearing.
But what left an even greater impression than Byakuya's beauty was the fact of how tired he looked, and how frail. Of course he was smaller and leaner than Renji, had always been, but now, somehow, without the familiar uniform, without either the captain's or the clan-head's haori, he looked more slender to his lieutenant than ever before.
All the while Renji, tall, muscular, with his hair open and clad in that red kimono, was to Byakuya a sight that made his breath catch in his throat. It was hard to tear his eyes off him, and only after a few seconds of awkward silence that seemed to have become compulsory whenever the two of them met nowadays, did Byakuya finally say: “I... am glad you came.”
The redhead frowned and then nodded, staying where he was, not sure what to do with himself. There was silence again as he looked around. A low table stood close to one wall, some papers and a teacup on it, a flat cushion before it. The door to the gardens was ajar.
“How are you?”
Renji focused back on Byakuya, trying to detect something more than just the question in that level voice, but finding nothing. Did the noble even really care? It didn't sound like it, but then he never did. And he really looked so tired. Renji found himself wondering how many nights someone like Kuchiki Byakuya needed to stay awake to actually look it. He couldn't help guessing it to be damn many.
“'m a'right.”
Then they were silent again just looking at each other. Renji let out a long breath of air, then pushed his hand through his hair. First he was ordered here and then they just stood around fidgeting? It was annoying, really.
“Y' know what? I'm hungry. Ya like, ordered me here, how 'bout at least givin' me something ta eat?”
From the corner of his eyes he noticed how the servant focused on him in shock. Of course she would hardly be used to hearing someone speak to her master, the head of Kuchiki-clan, this way. Also on Byakuya's features could a moment of surprise be seen, but then the noble looked away, nodding slowly.
“The dinner should be ready, I believe?” he said and the servant nodded hurriedly.
“Of course, Kuchiki-sama. It will be served this moment,” the woman replied, then bowed and turned to lead them to a small dining-room only a few meters across the hallway.
At the moment they were seated, the food was brought in, just as abundant and delicious as could be expected. But none of the two men seated before it seemed to take notice of it.
They stole looks at each other. Tentative glances trying to read the other without giving away anything of one's own thoughts. But it was impossible. After a while Renji got sick of the game, and sat back, staring openly at Byakuya. He had come here with a purpose in mind after all. He had come here with the goal of resolving this whole situation. And he would. As those thoughts crossed his mind he suddenly grew very calm. Calm and confident as he hadn't been for quite some time.
Gray eyes rose to meet his, then held his gaze, then narrowed.
The sudden determination in Renji's posture unsettled the noble. The redhead would take the offensive now, and Byakuya knew he did not have very strong arguments on his side. But this was what needed to happen, this was the chance he had wanted and the last one he would be given.
Byakuya told the two attendants serving them to leave.
Then, alone with Renji, scrutinized by those red eyes, he looked away.
Byakuya was not a man who was very familiar with the concept of hope. If one had power and wealth like it came with being born into the Kuchiki-clan, they didn't have to hope for things, they generally simply made them happen. But in the short time that had passed since he had persuaded Renji to come here, the feeling had taken hold of him without him even consciously realizing. It had sneaked into his heart and had made him believe everything would be alright, if his lieutenant just came here.
“I'm not goin' ta be your dog anymore.”
But of course it wasn't that easy.
“I never...”
“But ya did. You made me one. You pushed me where ya wanted me ta be. I don't wannit anymore.”
Renji didn't raise his voice, spoke quite calmly in fact, but his tone nonetheless made clear that this, now, was his call. His right to speak his mind, his right to demand.
Byakuya stared straight ahead at him, his mask wavering. It was still impossible to say what exactly the noble felt or thought, but he was not confident, at least that much was clear.
This was so hard. Despite the fact that he had made excuses to Renji before, it still seemed impossible whenever he had to do it again. It was just something so unnatural to his character, something so unusual to happen to someone like him that it didn't seem to get any easier, no matter how often he had to do it. He spoke hesitantly.
“It will not happen anymore.”
“'n why should I believe ya?”
The feeling of déjà vu crossed both their minds and Byakuya tried to hold Renji's gaze but failed again. Sitting stiffly he instead looked at his own hand as it carefully laid down his chopsticks. He felt too warm, but was shivering on the inside. He wanted to sleep and, realizing it with shame, flee at the same time. And as he caught another glance at Renji he knew he wanted the redhead, wanted him so much it hurt, but knew he could not unless he conquered himself.
The war that raged inside the noble was not one that could be understood by any other person. No one else could have ever felt such an impossible conflict between his nature and what he knew now to be the right thing to do.
“I...,” he started in a coarse voice, but realizing at the same time that he would not be able to say it, would not be able to offer himself, stopped and turned his head away, hiding his features.
Renji watched him with something like disbelief and fascination, pity and newly growing anger. He really couldn't do it, could he? Byakuya simply wasn't able to. He sat there, all rigid, defensive, tense, his whole body speaking of the need to be given a break, but he simply refused it. If Renji needed any more prove of how twisted the character of his captain was, then this was it.
“Man, ya really crazy. Ya can't give in at all.” Renji shook his head, then stood up and walked two steps, simply just to move. Byakuya's head jerked towards him at the movement, while he remained sitting but tense, as if part of him wanted to jump up and make sure Renji went nowhere, while something else kept him glued to the ground.
“Renji...” There, hidden beneath that voice, the edge of panic.
The redhead turned and there was that hidden plea in those eyes again and there Renji realized that, maybe, he really just needed to leave. Needed to make Byakuya truly feel what it meant not to get what he wanted.
“No,” Renji said, his words cold, “I'm not doin' what ya want anymore without gettin' anythin' back from ya.”
He wasn't even completely sure what exactly he wanted the noble to say, but he had sworn to himself he would not give in anymore. He needed at least something. Something about that he felt for Renji and wanted him too, or that he would give in, would offer himself, but there was nothing. There was just silence.
If Byakuya did not come to him, if Byakuya could not give in, could not even truly trust, could not give himself up even once to show that he could give something back for everything he had taken, then there was nothing left here for Renji. He turned towards the door.
“'m not hungry'nymore,” he said and pushed the panel open without further ado, while behind him Byakuya sat frozen, eyes wide, barely realizing what was just happening, and what it meant.
Something screamed at him in the back of his head. To get up, to stop Renji from leaving, but he would not move. Not even as the redhead paused another time in the door to look back before he shook his head and stepped through it, closing it behind him.
~~~
~~~Twenty-Nine~~~
Capitulation
Wind whipped dark gray and black grass, a sea of dead blades. Clouds were rushing and turning overhead, shedding heavy, dirty rain. The footing underneath was a treacherous affair of dark mud, filled with invisible holes that made one's feet stagger and twist.
It felt as if Byakuya had fought against the storm for hours and hours already, pushing on practically blindly, trying to protect his face and eyes from the onslaught with his arm and heading for the center of this whirlwind.
Where he was he did not know. Neither the when or the why. But he had to go forward, ever forward, for there was a driving need in him that bordered on physical pain and forced him to set one foot before the other even though he was exhausted and cold and there was no sensible reason whatsoever to be out here in this weather.
So on he went on and as he neared the eye of the storm the wind started to settle down and there, suddenly the gray world around him began to be dotted now and then with flecks of color. They were hard to follow at first, but then the spots increased in number as they were blown past him and finally he could make out what they were: some of the myriads of blades of his own bankai, their light pink color surreal in this bleak and hostile place.
But shouldn't she, Senbonzakura, be sheathed at his side? And yes, as he felt for the familiar hilt he found it, but froze as his fingers closed around it. It didn't feel right. He pulled it out and lifted it up to his eyes and almost let go of it in shock. Blood was dripping from it, wet and still warm. And suddenly the vivid, bright red liquid started to flow over his hand and arm, then down his body and up over his head, covering his skin, soaking his clothes and hair. He thrust the blade off him and it landed in the grass with a wet, sickening sound he should not have been able to hear through the still strongly blowing wind, but which nevertheless resounded in his ears for many long seconds.
As he lifted his eyes from the thing on the ground and looked ahead, he saw a few meters in front of him a cloud of pink blades, whirling in a tight circle around something in their midst which he could not make out between their uncountable numbers. He wanted to call them back, seal them away so he would be able to see, but as he lifted his hand he felt himself up against a wall of malevolent, raging power that felt nothing like Senbonzakura.
But he needed to see. He knew that whatever was in the center of those blades was what he was here for, so despite the repulsion he felt against that thing that was not his sword anymore he pushed on and into the turmoil. As he saw the first strands of red hair, a horrible premonition grew inside of him but he knelt down slowly nonetheless, the small blades whipping against him and only parting reluctantly as he tried to wave them away.
It was Renji. He lay naked on his back, his eyes fixed on the sky, motionless. But something about him didn't fit. His tattoos weren't right. They should have been black, black bold lines tracing the skin over his strong frame, but they weren't. They were blood red and as Byakuya extended a single finger to touch them, he realized why. They were not tattoos anymore, but wounds. They had been carved deep into Renji's body, far past the skin, into his muscles and bones and the reason that the lieutenant was staring on ahead into the sky and not reacting to his captains presence or to the wounds covering him, was because he was already dead. And as the noble wanted to shy away he suddenly realized that he could not, for all the blood that had flown out of Renji and onto the ground had gathered around his own feet and congealed, making it impossible to move away.
Byakuya wanted to scream, but could not...
… waking up to find both of his own hands pressed over his mouth so hard he could not breathe. He let go, gasping for air and then sat up with one sudden motion, pushing the blanket away from him in an almost frantic manner and bracing himself against the floor as vertigo and nausea swept over him. He felt bile rise in his throat and was up on his feet and stumbling to the door, ripping it open to step out onto the patio. There he stood for several minutes, leaning against one of the wooden beams which the roof rested upon. He forced himself to take slow, deep breaths of the cold morning air until eventually the worst nausea and dizziness had ebbed away far enough for him to start and try to make sense of what had just happened.
It had been a dream, a nightmare. Just a nightmare. But the knowledge didn't help much against the violent tremble that still shook his body. The picture of his lieutenant dead before him, ripped open by a thousand, tiny, pink blades was still too vivid, the feel of the blood on his fingers had been terrifyingly real.
And he did not need to delude himself about what had triggered this.
Asking Renji here to his mansion had been Byakuya's last resort. Hardly two days ago, actually admitting to himself that he returned his lieutenant's feelings and the decision to go as far as giving himself up to the redhead, had yielded a blissful, but short time of peace for his mind, but he still had been too tense in the face of what was to come to actually rest. And then, when finally everything should have been resolved, he had failed. The tiny, defiant voice in his mind that was convinced that Renji hadn't given him much possibility to do so, was silenced remorselessly. He had fought too much against himself already, had hardly any energy left for it and also knew that there simply was no valid excuse for him.
All he had done when Renji left was staring to the ground, disbelieving that something like this could happen to him. That something he, Kuchiki Byakuya, wanted and had suffered for would simply not come true. It had been impossible to comprehend. So instead of going after Renji, which would have seemed the sensible thing for every normal person to do, the man who never had to run after anybody ever in his life, had remained seated. And later, still numbed, disbelieving, he had let his body take over as it had finally demanded what it had been deprived of for way too many nights: rest.
He had gone to sleep. A sleep that now filled him with terror, all too clearly reminding him of what it would feel like to lose Renji. His heart beat faster again, and he slowly sat down on the patio, knowing that he could not go back to bed, could not risk seeing images like that in front of his closed eyes again. It had reminded him too much of what he had felt in the Real World when he had searched for Renji but had not been able to sense his reiatsu.
In that moment, another slide door leading onto the patio opened behind him. Assuming that one of the servants must have noticed him moving around, Byakuya said: “There is nothing I need. Leave me alone.”
Only a second later did he notice the familiar spirit energy. He lifted his head, eyes wide, but did not turn.
“But you left...,” he whispered, suddenly completely focused. Even though he knew that it had only been a nightmare, it had left him shaken and way too close to the feeling he had had once before, when he had thought Renji lost. To be aware of the redhead's reiatsu at his back now, stirred something deep inside of him.
“Nope.” There was a long yawn. “Went fora walk. Then remembered that my landlady hates when I get back late a'night. 'N after all, since I already came here, why'd I miss out onna free breakfast?” There was a slight pause, after which the voice took on a more serious tone. “And i'seemed ta me as if a bit o'shock would remind ya if there was still sumthin' more ya wanted ta tell me.”
Byakuya turned and looked up to find Renji leaning casually against the door, arms crossed before his chest.
The noble was at a loss of what to feel, he opened his mouth only to shut it again immediately. He was bewildered and somewhat enraged at the fact of being tricked like this, of being forced into feeling what he had, but then he was too relieved that Renji was still here for his anger to last long. And the redhead was whole, unhurt. Byakuya frowned at that thought. Of course Renji was unhurt. Of course his tattoos were only tattoos and not bloody wounds. It had only been a dream. A dream but also a nightmare so terrible he would not forget it any time soon.
The important fact that remained was that Renji was here. He hadn't left. Did this mean Byakuya hadn't missed his chance yet?
He had felt so empty. And now this emptiness was suddenly filled, filled so fast it seemed he would burst any second. Filled with anxiety, nervousness, hope. Here he was, stripped of all defenses, as vulnerable as never before. There was nothing left to hide the emotions that played over his features now and in one last attempt to hide himself, his head was turned towards the gardens as he rose. But then, a few moments later he seemed to have reached a decision and he looked back at Renji.
His fierce will and pride, weakened by the shock of thinking everything lost, weakened also by the dream, were to be left behind now. He knew now that they could not save him from what it would feel like to lose Renji.
First hesitantly, then more determined, he lifted his arms slightly, only a few centimeters away from his sides, the palms of his hands upwards.
One of Renji's eyebrows rose, strangely exaggerated by the tattoos on his forehead.
“Ya look kinda like a kicked puppy, know tha'?”
Byakuya didn't react to the words and Renji, not having expected it in any case, pushed himself away from the door to take a few steps until he stood before the noble, only centimeters away from the slender hands. As they moved forward though, seeking to touch, the redhead moved away from them. Byakuya frowned.
“But this is what you want,” he said.
“Sorry, dunno whatya mean.” Renji's eyes grew hard and there was an edge to his voice that made perfectly clear that he in fact he had a pretty good idea of what Byakuya meant, but would not be satisfied this easily.
The noble frowned and took one deep breath. He looked down and then, slowly, as if he had to force his own hands to obey, he untied his obi. The yukata fell open to reveal him naked underneath.
His heart beat so strongly against his ribcage by now that he felt himself shaking in unison with it.
Renji's eyes widened slightly and he swallowed hard. It was so difficult not to rush forward and take hold of Byakuya. His loins burned at the look of the slender, extremely attractive body before him and that fire would soon displace the fascination he felt at seeing that otherwise so cold face as open as he hadn't thought he ever would. But still he refused to move.
As not much later the yukata fell to the floor behind Byakuya, his exposed, so very light skin seemed to have a sheen of its own, only enhanced by the soft yellow light that was emitted from the small lamps, which lined a path into the gardens to their right.
And that body trembled. Renji could see it and knew it was not of cold. He suddenly realized what kind of battle must been going on in Byakuya's head, how hard it really must be for the other to stand here before him like this, vulnerable, completely defenseless. But fighting the compassion, Renji leaned forward towards Byakuya's ear, still avoiding to touch the noble, even though it took every last ounce of his control.
“Mhh,” he purred, a sound coming from deep within his chest, “but I still didn't hear it.”
Byakuya's eyes widened and he drew in one single, long, shaky breath, paralyzed as Renji's voice washed over him and brought in its wake a wave of desire he had not known before. Every single hair on his body seemed to stand up and he felt himself grow hard rapidly. He turned his face towards Renji's, but was not granted more than one fleeting, soft touch of a slightly rough cheek against his lips before the redhead leaned back again.
“Say it.” The lieutenant insisted, even though his own throaty voice spoke of his own longing and his erection complained that it really was more than ready to get on with it, even without those words. But some part of Renji remained stubbornly insisting. He wanted those words.
Byakuya evaded his eyes and then the pale lips moved slowly, tentatively feeling their way around something that didn’t yet have a sound.
It should be alright now, shouldn't it? He wanted this, didn't he? He knew he needed to trust Renji. But why must he be forced to voice his capitulation? It was so hard, saying it out loud. And of course that was the reason Renji wanted it. He wanted him completely. Wanted that there was no barrier left.
The moment seemed to stretch into infinity, until finally there was, quietly, Byakuya's voice to accompany the movement of his lips.
“I am yours.”
Renji's breath caught in his throat as he stood still for a few more seconds before he reached out with his hand, laying it flat against the junction of Byakuya's shoulder and neck. The skin felt cool and it was no wonder there were goosebumps appearing on it, since the air was cold and the only cloth that could have warmed the noble lay on the floor behind him. But it would not be so hard warming him now, Renji thought, not now that he was his.
The redhead adjusted his grip so he could support the base of Byakuya's head, threading his fingers through the black hair and taking hold of it as he leaned down toward the pale lips. He paused short of touching them, but then, not able to hold back any longer, invaded them with a passionate kiss.
His free hand wound around Byakuya's hip, then rested flatly against his lower back and pulled him closer until their bodies were pressed together tightly.
That pure skin against his hand, the way the smaller body fitted completely into his embrace, and how it shuddered when he moved his own body against it, thrusting with increasing strength, in rhythm with their kiss; it was unbelievable. Both were gasping for breath as Renji eventually pulled back, pushing his face against Byakuya's neck instead, telling himself to slow down, so he could savor every second of this.
But it wasn't easy, taking his time. Of course he had seen Byakuya naked before this, but then never completely. There had always been some piece of clothing left on the captain whenever they had had sex. Seeing the dark-haired man this completely uncovered before him was unbelievably arousing.
And this time Byakuya wouldn't push him away. Renji felt it. He did not actually expect to get through with this completely without resistance from his captain, but then he was pretty sure that not even the noble would risk breaking this off in the middle anymore.
But he did tense noticeably as Renji's hand on his back went lower to grab his buttocks, pulling the smaller man closer, ever closer while he tightened his grip on the dark hair and started sucking on the slender neck, making no little use of his teeth. Byakuya hissed and tensed and braced himself with his hands against Renji, but he did not dare push him away.
The redhead could feel the noble's heartbeat heavily against his own body and as he noticed its rapid rate, another feeling suddenly started to appear somewhere beneath the impossibly strong want and lust that controlled him by now. Slowly at first, but growing as the redhead's surprised attention focused on it, was protectiveness. And the feeling spread as he noticed how Byakuya tried to slow down his breathing but failed, how the slender fingers clenched, how his whole body was tense like that of a startled horse, which wanted to shy and flee but was held fast by a cruelly tight rein.
It was that protectiveness that made Renji realize that he could not willingly hurt Byakuya, even though he had secretly wanted it, to get just a little payback for all the times he had been pressed into playing the submissive role. As he held that frail body against him now, and felt it shiver as Byakuya still remained fighting against his own instinct of pulling away, the only thing Renji felt at the idea of hurting that man was disgust.
No, he would not willingly hurt him. Instead he would protect Byakuya, even if he thought he was in no need of protection. Renji would prove that he was worth all the trouble they had been through, and would no doubt still have to go through in the future. He would prove that he was not just a stupid, uncouth man who followed only his lowest instincts, and also that he, in contrast to Byakuya, did care about what his actions made another person feel.
He gradually loosened his grip and centered both of his hands on Byakuya's back, then buried his face in the raven hair and inhaled deeply.
The gray eyes which had been clenched close when Renji's attention had become more and more forward and eventually almost violent, opened in surprise as the embrace loosened and Renji's whole bearing suddenly changed. He had been overwhelmed by the force with which Renji had been all over him, it had put him off, had brought all his self-protective instincts to the front at once, leaving him with the almost impossible task to battle them down, since he was not allowed to let this go awry now.
But this felt differently. The way the strong arms encircled him now, the way Renji's breath was warm against his head and neck, the way he still touched the redhead's body but more softly, more sensually, it finally really made him feel as if indeed there was nothing wrong with this. There was nothing to be feared. This, here in Renji's arms, was probably not where he was supposed to be from the viewpoint of a captain, but now it finally became clear to him, that if he, Byakuya, wanted to be here, then everything was alright.
Everything was alright.
~~~
i know i know... you probably wanna kill me after this cliff hanger again ... BUT! be assured, now that i have finally managed to clear off most of the problems, you can look forward to one nice undisturbed lemon ^^ isn't that a nice prospect? oh btw... i like comments ;)