Year in Review - Part 3 - Movies
I saw 30 movies in 2014 that also came out in 2014. That's one more than I saw last year. Before I started this post I looked up how I rated the movies of 2013, and I am shocked that I rated Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs 2 as a better movie than Frozen. What the hell me?
Worst Movie of 2014: A Winter's Tale. I actually swore when I saw this movie on my list of 2014 movies, because I wanted to give this "award" to the runner up. And as terrible as that movie is...this one is even worse. Choppy narration, bad accents, the devil is actually a character, the hero literally rides a white horse, amnesia for no good reason...the list goes on.
Runner Up: The Lego Movie. I think I've written enough about this movie already.
The Best Worst Movie (aka The Best "B Movie"): 300: Rise of an Empire. I love this movie. This is a movie that Hollywood has never done before. It is a power fantasy FOR WOMEN!* There have been complaints that the men were boring one dimensional beefcakes. YES! They are there to be eye-candy! Instead of the typical male role of protagonist - men are clearly there for the typically female role of scantily clad cheesecake. And I pity the fool who though Themistocles was the main character when it's obviously Artemisia. She struts around in BDSM gear ordering her men around, cutting the throats of her political rivals and riding Themistocles like a pony. Also: best sex scene ever - Themmy is all like "doggy-style" (essentially - "You! Be my bitch") and Artemisia is all "Hell no! Cowgirl" (essentially "Nope, you're my bitch"). I fucking love this film.
Runner Up: Sin City: A Dame to Kill For. This is a terrible film. I'm not going to defend it. I only bring it up here because it's pretty.
Funniest Movie of 2014: Guardians of the Galaxy. You've probably seen this. So you probably know.
Runner Up: The Grand Budapest Hotel. A subtler humor to be sure, yet still so rich and wonderful.
Best Animated Film of 2014: Big Hero 6. It's fine. Not as good as Frozen. But it's an okay movie.
Runner Up: TIE! Boxtrolls and Book of Life. *sigh* All the Animated movies were....just okay... a little bland. Boring even. They're just not as good as what came before. Big Hero 6 suffers because it's not as good as The Iron Giant. Boxtrolls isn't as good as ParaNorman. The only new story we got is the Book of Life... and...oh! Del Toro I can always see your try. You try so damn hard. And you never. FUCKING. Get it. RIGHTQ! The best you ever got was Pan's Labyrinth.
Best Sci-fi Movie of 2014: Edge of Tomorrow. The Hollywood adaptation of All You Need is Kill. And they didn't screw it up. *throws confetti*
Runner Up: TIE! Her and Snowpeircer. I know! They're completely different stories with nothing in common at all! But I love Her for not being a dystopia but a thoughtful look at love, technology, and the interaction between the two. And I love Snowpeicer for being a grim and dirty dystopia where all the races of the world are in both the upper and lower casts. There's a significant female Innuit! Shame she doesn't get any lines.
Worst Sci-fi Movie of 2014: Interstellar. It's a mess...and kind of sexist.
Best Monster Movie of 2014: Only Lovers Left Alive. Vampire love story, and suicide prevention counselling. With a gorgeous soundtrack.
Runner Up: Godzilla.
Worst Monster Movie of 2014: Maleficent. I've seen worse but I can't remember when.
Best World War Two Movie of 2014: Unbroken. It's over two and quarter hours and it still doesn't feel like they gave this guy's live enough time.
Runner Up: Monuments Men.
Best Superhero(?) Movie: Guardians of the Galaxy. Upon reflection - is this really a superhero movie? It is done by Marvel...
Runner Up: Big Hero 6. Is this really a superhero movie? None of them have powers...just suits....but it is done by Marvel...
Worst Superhero Movie: Amazing Spider-man 2. Ah! We knew your days were numbered Gwen.
Runner Up: X-men: Days of Future Past. That's what you get for not having Forge in the X-men series yet. (Really you get Warpath in the series before Forge?! Fuck you.) Yes there was that one awesome scene with Quicksilver. But one scene does not a movie make.
Best Adaptation: Mockingjay Part 1.
Runner Up: The Hobbit: Battle of Five Armies. YES! It's OVAH! No more! Done! Complete! It hurt, but now the splinter is out and we can get back to the original book.
Worst Adaptation: Into the Woods. Look, it's a good movie. A good story. Just that's it's only a middling adaptation of the original musical.
Best Movie of 2014: Gone Girl. I think I might be a bad person. I think this because I loved this movie. For probably some very bad reasons. Reasons I don't want to admit to.
Judge's Special Awards:
Best Visual: Lucy meets Lucy in Lucy. It's a obvious reference to the Sytine chapel when God gives the spark of life to Adam. I love it all the same.
Best Song Adaptation: "Hanging Tree" from Mockingjay Part 1.
Runner Up: "Agony" from Into the Woods.
Most Uncomfortably Racist Moment: Koba jumps through the fire on horseback with a gun in each hand in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. Please don't tell me I'm Crazy (Horse).
Missing Categories from previous years: Best Zombie Movie (there were no zombie movies this year...that I saw anyway). Most boring World War II movie (they were all a least a little interesting). Best Use of Girl Scouts (no girl scouts were used in movie this year...to my knowledge).
*Did you notice? I used bold, italics and underlined this phrase. I wanted you to know how important this film is to me.
Worst Movie of 2014: A Winter's Tale. I actually swore when I saw this movie on my list of 2014 movies, because I wanted to give this "award" to the runner up. And as terrible as that movie is...this one is even worse. Choppy narration, bad accents, the devil is actually a character, the hero literally rides a white horse, amnesia for no good reason...the list goes on.
Runner Up: The Lego Movie. I think I've written enough about this movie already.
The Best Worst Movie (aka The Best "B Movie"): 300: Rise of an Empire. I love this movie. This is a movie that Hollywood has never done before. It is a power fantasy FOR WOMEN!* There have been complaints that the men were boring one dimensional beefcakes. YES! They are there to be eye-candy! Instead of the typical male role of protagonist - men are clearly there for the typically female role of scantily clad cheesecake. And I pity the fool who though Themistocles was the main character when it's obviously Artemisia. She struts around in BDSM gear ordering her men around, cutting the throats of her political rivals and riding Themistocles like a pony. Also: best sex scene ever - Themmy is all like "doggy-style" (essentially - "You! Be my bitch") and Artemisia is all "Hell no! Cowgirl" (essentially "Nope, you're my bitch"). I fucking love this film.
Runner Up: Sin City: A Dame to Kill For. This is a terrible film. I'm not going to defend it. I only bring it up here because it's pretty.
Funniest Movie of 2014: Guardians of the Galaxy. You've probably seen this. So you probably know.
Runner Up: The Grand Budapest Hotel. A subtler humor to be sure, yet still so rich and wonderful.
Best Animated Film of 2014: Big Hero 6. It's fine. Not as good as Frozen. But it's an okay movie.
Runner Up: TIE! Boxtrolls and Book of Life. *sigh* All the Animated movies were....just okay... a little bland. Boring even. They're just not as good as what came before. Big Hero 6 suffers because it's not as good as The Iron Giant. Boxtrolls isn't as good as ParaNorman. The only new story we got is the Book of Life... and...oh! Del Toro I can always see your try. You try so damn hard. And you never. FUCKING. Get it. RIGHTQ! The best you ever got was Pan's Labyrinth.
Best Sci-fi Movie of 2014: Edge of Tomorrow. The Hollywood adaptation of All You Need is Kill. And they didn't screw it up. *throws confetti*
Runner Up: TIE! Her and Snowpeircer. I know! They're completely different stories with nothing in common at all! But I love Her for not being a dystopia but a thoughtful look at love, technology, and the interaction between the two. And I love Snowpeicer for being a grim and dirty dystopia where all the races of the world are in both the upper and lower casts. There's a significant female Innuit! Shame she doesn't get any lines.
Worst Sci-fi Movie of 2014: Interstellar. It's a mess...and kind of sexist.
Best Monster Movie of 2014: Only Lovers Left Alive. Vampire love story, and suicide prevention counselling. With a gorgeous soundtrack.
Runner Up: Godzilla.
Worst Monster Movie of 2014: Maleficent. I've seen worse but I can't remember when.
Best World War Two Movie of 2014: Unbroken. It's over two and quarter hours and it still doesn't feel like they gave this guy's live enough time.
Runner Up: Monuments Men.
Best Superhero(?) Movie: Guardians of the Galaxy. Upon reflection - is this really a superhero movie? It is done by Marvel...
Runner Up: Big Hero 6. Is this really a superhero movie? None of them have powers...just suits....but it is done by Marvel...
Worst Superhero Movie: Amazing Spider-man 2. Ah! We knew your days were numbered Gwen.
Runner Up: X-men: Days of Future Past. That's what you get for not having Forge in the X-men series yet. (Really you get Warpath in the series before Forge?! Fuck you.) Yes there was that one awesome scene with Quicksilver. But one scene does not a movie make.
Best Adaptation: Mockingjay Part 1.
Runner Up: The Hobbit: Battle of Five Armies. YES! It's OVAH! No more! Done! Complete! It hurt, but now the splinter is out and we can get back to the original book.
Worst Adaptation: Into the Woods. Look, it's a good movie. A good story. Just that's it's only a middling adaptation of the original musical.
Best Movie of 2014: Gone Girl. I think I might be a bad person. I think this because I loved this movie. For probably some very bad reasons. Reasons I don't want to admit to.
Judge's Special Awards:
Best Visual: Lucy meets Lucy in Lucy. It's a obvious reference to the Sytine chapel when God gives the spark of life to Adam. I love it all the same.
Best Song Adaptation: "Hanging Tree" from Mockingjay Part 1.
Runner Up: "Agony" from Into the Woods.
Most Uncomfortably Racist Moment: Koba jumps through the fire on horseback with a gun in each hand in Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. Please don't tell me I'm Crazy (Horse).
Missing Categories from previous years: Best Zombie Movie (there were no zombie movies this year...that I saw anyway). Most boring World War II movie (they were all a least a little interesting). Best Use of Girl Scouts (no girl scouts were used in movie this year...to my knowledge).
*Did you notice? I used bold, italics and underlined this phrase. I wanted you to know how important this film is to me.