This is going to be long and irritating. Sorry in advance.
So, it's not "yesterday" as such (see previous entry for context), but here I am nonetheless.
I met with my new psychiatrist (just typing that makes me feel crazy) on Wednesday and had what felt like a billion hour conversation. All of the background stuff, etc, etc...Pretty much talked about everything that has ever happened in my life. I hate that stuff. Anyway, long story short, he agrees with the diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD, AKA Melancholic Depression), and said that he was running through a list of symptoms and behaviours in his head as we were talking and thought that Borderline Personality Disorder fit the bill also.
I'm not so sure how I feel about this new label. Not that it doesn't fit stupidly well: Chronic sense of emptiness and distance, alternating between idealising and demonising significant people in one's life i.e. unstable interpersonal relationships, treating one's body particularly badly for no real reason, unstable self-image, impulsivity....The list goes on for quite a long way and it does, objectively, make a lot of sense. I really have always felt different from other people (not that I know how other people feel, of course), and have kind of always thought that my emotions -- such as they are -- are different, or appear different from those of other people...For example, I'm not now, nor have I ever been, a terribly empathetic person...Which makes me sound awful...But over time I have managed to learn appropriate social responses and have learned how to behave empathetically. Which makes me sound like a sociopath, lol, which I'm fairly sure I'm not. I've just never felt particularly close to many people, always kind of felt like a bit of an outsider for no real reason...It's not like I've ever behaved in a peculiar way to distance myself from other people, it's just that I've never really felt like I fit in. Like I'm kind of an impostor...I can behave the right way and I can say the right things, but I don't know that they come from a genuine place. Which also makes me sound like an asshole...Which sometimes I am because I'm not always affected by things that other people do or say. Or feel.
Wow. This is turning into a weird, windy and polluted stream of thought. Let's end that, shall we?
Anyway, my new doctor (whose first name is Clayton, believe it or not) has suggested that I do a year course of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) in both individual and group settings. Again, makes me feel crazier than I am. Fuck, I hate group therapy...I always have. I never know what to do or say. There's no manual for how one should behave in those situations. Anyway, I may be mistaken, but to me, judging by what I've read recently, DBT sounds like an emotional shock-collar. No, you can't do or say this or that because it's not how other people behave. I'm not a child and I don't really need to be treated like one. But, I guess if this thing is going to be at all useful, it's going to help with how I conduct myself in relationships (I have a stunningly bad track record here...They're going to leave you anyway so take control and make them hate you. Healthy) because at this rate I'm never going to be emotionally equipped to be someone's partner and/or, eventually, someone's parent. And I can't stand the thought of destroying my own family.
As I'm sure you can see that I'm vacillating between this being a decent diagnosis and it being a misguided one. I don't really know how to feel or what to think about the whole thing...I don't know what I should do or should be doing. I don't know much about much right now.
Also I started on a new medication called Lamictal. It's primarily used as an anticonvulsant to treat epileptics, but it's off-label use is as a mood stabiliser. The off-label thing means it's not covered by the PBS and therefore it's stupidly expensive. Anyway, not much in the way of side effects right now save for stunning headaches and the weirdest, most vivid dreams I think I've ever had. The doctor said it should help me sleep, too, but no evidence of that so far. As the dose increases there will probably be cognitive difficulties like memory problems, slowed thinking (good for the racing thoughts, but not good for productivity), lack of focus etc etc. This is lovingly known as "The Stupids". I'm not looking forward to that. Anyway, I'm going to give this whole thing one good, proper try. I guess I owe myself that much.
Hope you all are well xox
I met with my new psychiatrist (just typing that makes me feel crazy) on Wednesday and had what felt like a billion hour conversation. All of the background stuff, etc, etc...Pretty much talked about everything that has ever happened in my life. I hate that stuff. Anyway, long story short, he agrees with the diagnosis of Major Depressive Disorder (MDD, AKA Melancholic Depression), and said that he was running through a list of symptoms and behaviours in his head as we were talking and thought that Borderline Personality Disorder fit the bill also.
I'm not so sure how I feel about this new label. Not that it doesn't fit stupidly well: Chronic sense of emptiness and distance, alternating between idealising and demonising significant people in one's life i.e. unstable interpersonal relationships, treating one's body particularly badly for no real reason, unstable self-image, impulsivity....The list goes on for quite a long way and it does, objectively, make a lot of sense. I really have always felt different from other people (not that I know how other people feel, of course), and have kind of always thought that my emotions -- such as they are -- are different, or appear different from those of other people...For example, I'm not now, nor have I ever been, a terribly empathetic person...Which makes me sound awful...But over time I have managed to learn appropriate social responses and have learned how to behave empathetically. Which makes me sound like a sociopath, lol, which I'm fairly sure I'm not. I've just never felt particularly close to many people, always kind of felt like a bit of an outsider for no real reason...It's not like I've ever behaved in a peculiar way to distance myself from other people, it's just that I've never really felt like I fit in. Like I'm kind of an impostor...I can behave the right way and I can say the right things, but I don't know that they come from a genuine place. Which also makes me sound like an asshole...Which sometimes I am because I'm not always affected by things that other people do or say. Or feel.
Wow. This is turning into a weird, windy and polluted stream of thought. Let's end that, shall we?
Anyway, my new doctor (whose first name is Clayton, believe it or not) has suggested that I do a year course of Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT) in both individual and group settings. Again, makes me feel crazier than I am. Fuck, I hate group therapy...I always have. I never know what to do or say. There's no manual for how one should behave in those situations. Anyway, I may be mistaken, but to me, judging by what I've read recently, DBT sounds like an emotional shock-collar. No, you can't do or say this or that because it's not how other people behave. I'm not a child and I don't really need to be treated like one. But, I guess if this thing is going to be at all useful, it's going to help with how I conduct myself in relationships (I have a stunningly bad track record here...They're going to leave you anyway so take control and make them hate you. Healthy) because at this rate I'm never going to be emotionally equipped to be someone's partner and/or, eventually, someone's parent. And I can't stand the thought of destroying my own family.
As I'm sure you can see that I'm vacillating between this being a decent diagnosis and it being a misguided one. I don't really know how to feel or what to think about the whole thing...I don't know what I should do or should be doing. I don't know much about much right now.
Also I started on a new medication called Lamictal. It's primarily used as an anticonvulsant to treat epileptics, but it's off-label use is as a mood stabiliser. The off-label thing means it's not covered by the PBS and therefore it's stupidly expensive. Anyway, not much in the way of side effects right now save for stunning headaches and the weirdest, most vivid dreams I think I've ever had. The doctor said it should help me sleep, too, but no evidence of that so far. As the dose increases there will probably be cognitive difficulties like memory problems, slowed thinking (good for the racing thoughts, but not good for productivity), lack of focus etc etc. This is lovingly known as "The Stupids". I'm not looking forward to that. Anyway, I'm going to give this whole thing one good, proper try. I guess I owe myself that much.
Hope you all are well xox