(no subject)
"My candle burns at both ends
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
It gives a lovely light." -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
People, people, people...
God, I wish today I was feeling alright. I'm not even asking for good, 'alright' would suffice. I felt alright yesterday and OK-ish the day before, but today? Bad. And it's come on all of a sudden so I've no preparation and no time to gird my loins. Ew, loins. Just in the last hour or so maybe my mood has taken a very sharp and definite turn for the worse. I'm not sure what to do with myself right now.
Tonight is the last night I take the Zyprexa. Woo-hoo. I'm not sure how it's made me feel...Like a zombie on the first day, but since then I guess I just feel more contained, not happier, not more comfortable and not less anxious, just contained...Like if I wanted to cry or rail violently against the way I feel, I couldn't. I feel like I can't emote. I guess the whole point of taking a (pointless) five-day course of Zyprexa was to get the sharp episode to bottom out. I guess it did that, but now I feel like I'm reaching yet another bottom. This seems to be the pattern that this depression is following -- everything sucks, find some treatment, engage in treatment, feel better (or less bad), plateau and then go back to feeling bad. I'm going to sound like a petulant child here, but that's not fair.
I feel like the rug is being pulled out from under me again and again and again. I've been dealing with this thing on and off since I was 14 or 15 and now I'm 23 and I feel like I'm back where I started from. Doing something worthy and vaguely interesting (TAFE, working, university studies) and then, on a cycle one could set a watch by, BAM, I'm sitting on my arse on the ground wondering A) what the hell just happened? and B) why do I feel like shit again? I'm starting to feel like there's no point in even getting off the floor and putting the rug back, you know? I mean, I'm just going to end up on my arse again anyway. What's even the point?
Fuck, this sounds so dramatic. Not my intention at all, I just kind of want to get everything out of me, you know? Just exorcise this dense, cloying blackness and get it out of me so I can feel like myself again. I don't feel like myself when I have to grapple with this thing. I don't feel right. I kind of feel like having that super-cinematic moment where the protagonist is on their knees in the rain, shaking their fists at the heavens and screaming, "Why me?!" Unlike that guy, I know what the answer is. It's: "Why not you?"
Oh, Christ. I think this whole monologue is about to go somewhere a little darker and I really can't afford to take a chance on that. I really, really can't. Not today. I have so much work to do *laughs drily*.
Please send your lovely vibes and cheery happy thoughts to me, I could do with all the help I can get right now.
<3
It will not last the night;
But ah, my foes, and oh, my friends -
It gives a lovely light." -- Edna St. Vincent Millay
People, people, people...
God, I wish today I was feeling alright. I'm not even asking for good, 'alright' would suffice. I felt alright yesterday and OK-ish the day before, but today? Bad. And it's come on all of a sudden so I've no preparation and no time to gird my loins. Ew, loins. Just in the last hour or so maybe my mood has taken a very sharp and definite turn for the worse. I'm not sure what to do with myself right now.
Tonight is the last night I take the Zyprexa. Woo-hoo. I'm not sure how it's made me feel...Like a zombie on the first day, but since then I guess I just feel more contained, not happier, not more comfortable and not less anxious, just contained...Like if I wanted to cry or rail violently against the way I feel, I couldn't. I feel like I can't emote. I guess the whole point of taking a (pointless) five-day course of Zyprexa was to get the sharp episode to bottom out. I guess it did that, but now I feel like I'm reaching yet another bottom. This seems to be the pattern that this depression is following -- everything sucks, find some treatment, engage in treatment, feel better (or less bad), plateau and then go back to feeling bad. I'm going to sound like a petulant child here, but that's not fair.
I feel like the rug is being pulled out from under me again and again and again. I've been dealing with this thing on and off since I was 14 or 15 and now I'm 23 and I feel like I'm back where I started from. Doing something worthy and vaguely interesting (TAFE, working, university studies) and then, on a cycle one could set a watch by, BAM, I'm sitting on my arse on the ground wondering A) what the hell just happened? and B) why do I feel like shit again? I'm starting to feel like there's no point in even getting off the floor and putting the rug back, you know? I mean, I'm just going to end up on my arse again anyway. What's even the point?
Fuck, this sounds so dramatic. Not my intention at all, I just kind of want to get everything out of me, you know? Just exorcise this dense, cloying blackness and get it out of me so I can feel like myself again. I don't feel like myself when I have to grapple with this thing. I don't feel right. I kind of feel like having that super-cinematic moment where the protagonist is on their knees in the rain, shaking their fists at the heavens and screaming, "Why me?!" Unlike that guy, I know what the answer is. It's: "Why not you?"
Oh, Christ. I think this whole monologue is about to go somewhere a little darker and I really can't afford to take a chance on that. I really, really can't. Not today. I have so much work to do *laughs drily*.
Please send your lovely vibes and cheery happy thoughts to me, I could do with all the help I can get right now.
<3