(no subject)
Ladies and gents, it's been a rough couple of weeks. And an even worse few days. Everything's OK(ish), though, so don't worry too much.
My mood has taken a pretty serious downward turn over the past fortnight or so and over the last week or so it's gotten much worse. The day before yesterday was not a highlight for me. Long story short, without going into all of the crazy details, my mum made an emergency doctor's appointment and I've been prescribed a five day course of Zyprexa. My dose of SSRIs has been upped again from 40 mg to 60. According to my doctor, that's quite high. According to the doctor I saw at the Black Dog Institute, 40-60 mg is fairly common. I'm not super worried about it.
Hilariously enough, I'm not super worried about anything right now.
Yesterday morning was rough as hell. Or early afternoon, rather, because I slept all the way through the morning, lol. I got up and shambled around the place like a zombie and when I spoke it felt and sounded like I drunk person trying to appear sober. Very precise and slow. That all went back to normal a little later with the application of time, sugar and caffeine. This morning the effects weren't so bad, though I did fall over once.
Thos couldn't happen at a worse time, though. I have so much stuff due for uni, it's not even funny. Group work, readings, essays, the whole nine. I feel like I'm not learning or achieving anything. I was so sure that I was going to wind up in a hospital a couple of days ago...I just couldn't keep it together. All I could think about was maybe having to defer this semester and wind up doing something part time. I hate thinking like that, but I hate even more that the longer this goes on and the worse it gets, the more that this full-on stuff -- these "solutions" -- are on the horizon...Hospitalisation, more/different drugs, more therapy, EC, etc etc etc...This is not fun for me.
And the longer it goes on, the less I feel inclined to continue. I don't want my whole life to be like this. I mean, I don't want it to be dead easy and cruisy, of course, I don't have that expectation, but it surely can't be like this forever. I don't want to end up being some horribly damaged person who's unable to live independently or have any semblance of a proper, adult life. I feel like I'm going to be trapped inside this illness forever.
Anyway. I'm glad I'm not going to be on the Zyprexa forever because it has some fucked up side effects; inability to regulate and maintain body temperature, sensitivity to sunlight, massive weight gain, etc, etc, etc. I'm just not interested. I mean, I know that my meds may have to be augmented with an antipsychotic at some point, but I have no interest in something that's going to make me stack on weight. I know it sounds shallow in the face of everything else I'm dealing with right now, but I'd rather be crazy than fat.
Urgh, whatever. Hope you guys are doing better than I am xox
My mood has taken a pretty serious downward turn over the past fortnight or so and over the last week or so it's gotten much worse. The day before yesterday was not a highlight for me. Long story short, without going into all of the crazy details, my mum made an emergency doctor's appointment and I've been prescribed a five day course of Zyprexa. My dose of SSRIs has been upped again from 40 mg to 60. According to my doctor, that's quite high. According to the doctor I saw at the Black Dog Institute, 40-60 mg is fairly common. I'm not super worried about it.
Hilariously enough, I'm not super worried about anything right now.
Yesterday morning was rough as hell. Or early afternoon, rather, because I slept all the way through the morning, lol. I got up and shambled around the place like a zombie and when I spoke it felt and sounded like I drunk person trying to appear sober. Very precise and slow. That all went back to normal a little later with the application of time, sugar and caffeine. This morning the effects weren't so bad, though I did fall over once.
Thos couldn't happen at a worse time, though. I have so much stuff due for uni, it's not even funny. Group work, readings, essays, the whole nine. I feel like I'm not learning or achieving anything. I was so sure that I was going to wind up in a hospital a couple of days ago...I just couldn't keep it together. All I could think about was maybe having to defer this semester and wind up doing something part time. I hate thinking like that, but I hate even more that the longer this goes on and the worse it gets, the more that this full-on stuff -- these "solutions" -- are on the horizon...Hospitalisation, more/different drugs, more therapy, EC, etc etc etc...This is not fun for me.
And the longer it goes on, the less I feel inclined to continue. I don't want my whole life to be like this. I mean, I don't want it to be dead easy and cruisy, of course, I don't have that expectation, but it surely can't be like this forever. I don't want to end up being some horribly damaged person who's unable to live independently or have any semblance of a proper, adult life. I feel like I'm going to be trapped inside this illness forever.
Anyway. I'm glad I'm not going to be on the Zyprexa forever because it has some fucked up side effects; inability to regulate and maintain body temperature, sensitivity to sunlight, massive weight gain, etc, etc, etc. I'm just not interested. I mean, I know that my meds may have to be augmented with an antipsychotic at some point, but I have no interest in something that's going to make me stack on weight. I know it sounds shallow in the face of everything else I'm dealing with right now, but I'd rather be crazy than fat.
Urgh, whatever. Hope you guys are doing better than I am xox