an update
So yeah, I should be gettin' to sleep cuz I'm working tomorrow, but fuck it.
My neck hurts like a mother fucker. Hey, when I tighten my neck a bit, then move my head, everything I do makes a little noise in my head. And when I like, swallow or move my jaw there's a noise too. Does this occur when anyone else? I can't stop doing it, especially when I'm laying down or reading Harry Potter.
In related news, I think I'm gonna go on some sort of medication, like Zoloft or somethin', for OCD-related reasons. Because while I do consider it mild and understand that some of the symptoms are neuroticisms that many people are subjected to... it's just really gotten frustrating. For example, when I really look forward to things, my tics/whatever get really bad, and I ruin things for myself. Which is really annoying and terrible. I spent about 8 hours on the last, like 150 pages of Harry Potter. Which is just... a lot of time. Although I still enjoyed my Harry Potter experience (OH MAN I JUST LOVE HARRY POTTER SO EFFIN' MUCH - I MEAN, WHO DOESN'T??), It was still a chore to read. Agonizing, at times. And I used to be, and still sometimes am, a very fast reader. Now, I think I'm associated more with art and drama and even music, but when I was younger, I read more than anything. Now I don't really, and I don't think it's because I don't have time (not that that isn't a big factor). It's because it just takes too long.
I also have ruined many movies/plays for myself with tics of various sorts, and it's just... not worth it.
So, there's the 1. wasted time 2. ruined events and 3. physical pain. All the tics and such have, I am pretty certain, contributed to the creaky terribleness of my bones (I swear, I have the bones of an old woman!). And I think compulsively closing my eyes is progressing the formation of wrinkles, and I just can't have that.
Oh, and although I am an EXCELLENT DRIVER, I would feel safer if I didn't feel compelled to do anything I didn't have to while behind the wheel.
WHATEV.
HARRY POTTER, THOUGH, MAN. I'M SO HAP TO BE A PART OF THIS AMAZING COMMUNITY OF HARRY POTTER LOVERS, YOU KNOW? WITH SOME STUFF IT'S LIKE, THE MORE PEOPLE, THE LESS SPECIAL (AND THAT'S NOT EVEN ELITIST, IT'S TRUE - MORE COMMERCIALIZED, CROWDED, MORE ANNOYING PEOPLE, ETC.). BUT WITH H TO THE P, I LOVE THE FACT THAT IT'S A MASSIVE, WORLDLY, COMBINED LOVE. I WENT TO THE PARTY IN THE CENTRAL WEST END FOR A BIT (NEUROTIC ABOUT SPOILERS THE WHOLE TIME), AND I WISHED I HAD BEEN GOING THERE (OR OTHER PARTIES) FOR YEARS. THE CROWDS AT THE MOVIES AREN'T TOO GREAT, AND SOME OF THE YOUNGER FANS ARE ANNOYING (BY NO MEANS ALL OR MOST!) - BUT THE PEOPLE WHO READ ALL THE BOOKS AND REALLY, REALLY, APPRECIATE THEM, WHO ARE OFTEN LIKE ME AND HAVE GROWN UP WITH HARRY, AND SEE HIS COMING OF AGE REFLECTED IN THEIR OWN - I LOVE THOSE PEOPLE AND I LOVE BEING ONE OF THEM. AND NO MATTER WHAT ANY NONBELIEVER SAYS, THERE IS SOMETHING INCREDIBLY SPECIAL ABOUT THE WHOLE THING. I CAN'T THANK JK ROWLING ENOUGH, SERIOUSLY. SHE'S LIKE, A FUCKING HERO.
Coming of age though - this summer is depressing in a lot of ways, and not the best. I don't think about it much, because I know it would devastate me, but realizing change is not easy. I don't miss Metro like, at all, but I do miss other things, like being nowhere near "the future." Plus, until recently (my week-long, self-induced HP exile, and working this week), I've been quite bored. And frustrated about not being able to spend time with people. The reality of leaving is very real, and it will be happening very soon. I wish I could have had, or could continue to have, a summer full of relived moments, new memories, favorite traditions, reminisces, familiar sights and sounds, etc... but it's been a struggle to make those things happen. And the days are really, really winding down. I wish I didn't have to go to camp, even though I know I want to. It kind of scares me, for some reason.
I've barely worked this summer, and I've really hated not working. I am racked with guilt and anxiety this summer, over all kinds of things. Leaving, and not seeing people, not doing productive things, not working, etc. I'm doing a full-day camp this week though, and it feels pretty good. I love kids, just love 'em. I'm not patient or accepting (of the annoying kids) enough to be a full-time teacher or anything, but I still appreciate them. Kids these days, I tell ya - they really are fucked up, a lot of them. Fatties, laze-os, primadonnas, attention-whores... But kids, true kids, are so wise, so smart, so innocent, so confident.
Not that I don't like 'em all (kind of), but there in all the camps I've done there's just been like one kid that really struck me. Always a girl (it's automatically easier to get along with the girls - they seem to immediately like me and want my attention, especially since the other instructors are always male) - first there was Sydney - mildly bratty and demanding but incredibly smart and charming and funny. She kinda reminded me of myself when I was younger (minus the smart and charming and funny part, lolz), 'specially since she kinda looked like a young me. Then there was Morgan, very young, but milllllles ahead of the other kids her age. Just, so bright and really classically cute, with white-blond hair and adorable antics. Now, there's Emily, who's older (like 11), and for some reason got my attention right away. She's tall and wirey-ish, with freckles and blond hair - a classic-looking kid, but with really strange eyes. Again, really smart and confident and spunky but quiet - doesn't demand attention. For some reason I feel a bond with her (even though it's only the second day) - and I wonder if I made it that way or if it was just there. I try to share the love amonst all the kids, ya know, but I really enjoyed talking to her/doing tricks when I can. Oh, and she's adopted... from the Ukraine. That's pretty amazing.
There's also always the clingy girl, the one that wants me to do all the tricks with them and hang around them. This camp there's two. And then there are other cuties, too, of course, like Greg (pretty much the cutest lil' boy EVER, gap-toothed smile and all) and Matthew (a fattie I actually like - often fatties have poor behavior and demand attention - it's just true).
One thing people should know about me is that I really, really want kids. It's something I'm incredibly certain about, and thus looking forward to. I want to be married with children, and couldn't see it any other way. I mean, I can't wait to have kids, guys. Not anytime soon, not remotely. But I'm seriously so excited.
Sometimes people seem really surprised when I express something that's just really normal. I dunno, I think people are really off-base about my motives and my true pleasures. I guess everybody feels that way though.
So I was walking for a while, then I biked every day for a week. Now I'm feelin' kind crappy cuz I'm just lazin' around again. Why? Well, because I wasn't leaving the house while reading Harry Potter (WHO KNOWS WHERE SPOILERS COULD LURK?!), and because I fell off my bike. It was pretty bad. I don't really know what happened, but I took a fall on a downward slope, leaning to my left side. One minute I was riding, the next my seat was all crooked and there were two bloody patches on my hand. It was all exposed and brown and red and dirty and gritty and skinny (i.e., there was skin where it shouldn't have been). A couple days later my momma cut off some of the little nasty white rolls of skin. And my elbow was skinned and my knee a bit banged up. I was fine at first - rode back home ok enough, but then as I sat down and saw the blood and shiz, I got so fucking sick to my stomach. The usual stuff - lightheaded, headache, felt hot. It was really actually incredibly terrible though - my ears felt like they were bleeding.
Ah, what else happened this summer?
I realized I fucking love lentils. So effin' good. And I discovered zucchini. I've had it before when eating out and such, but I don't remember it ever being in the Sievert household. And I plan to add it to the essentials (the vegetables I get every week).
I got two cartilage piercings, then had to take them out. Damn.
My roommate is Ella Wrenn from Boulder, Colorado. I'll be living in the biggest freshman dorm (still small compared to bigger schools) which is pretty sweet and hoppin', I hear, and has a nice field right next to it. I'll be doing base camp/backpacking for the "Passages" part of orientation.
I bought tickets to see Rilo Kiley in Seattle, and will probably buy tickets for the New Pornographers tomorrow. I fucking love Washington already.
I got a 7 on the IB Art exam, which is pretty fucking cool. Especially since no one can beat that. I mean, really, no one. Cuz it's the highest you can get, and even better... cuz I was the first one. So all you 08ers can SUCK IT. I will always, always be the first. And Le Evaluatrix said some fucking nice things that were pretty unbeatable. Ok, I'm being jerky now. But really, it was a happy moment. I was all, "fuck IB, I don't care about all this shiz anyway," then I was like, jumpin' up and down. It perked up a crappy day.
I mean, stuff like that is pretty empowering, because I don't feel great about my art. I know it could be so much better (for good reason, more than one of my final pieces were completed in just a few hours or a day - which really actually doesn't make any sense because it's oil paint and has to dry) and I can see the flaws. A lot of people think art is my "thing." But I've met a lot of people who are really, really, into art, and they've devoted more to it than I have. It's not that I don't work as hard (I put in a loooooot of hours for IB Art - far more than most, I know - more than Lindsay, at least, LOLZ, TWO!) or don't have passion for it, it's just that I've never been able to really focus and enjoy it like I should. It's not the main thing in my life by any means. Unlike a lot of artsy teenagers, I don't feel like it's the only thing I can do. I haven't fallen into the niche like most do. And I know that makes me really lucky. I have a lot of room to grow in a lot of areas, not just in art. It's hard and frustrating to know that I'll never be able to do it all, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm lucky to have options.
Ok, the end! Thanks for reading if read it all (I doubt you did)! And please forgive my terrible online grammar - it follows the way I think (all the repetitive dashes and commas).
My neck hurts like a mother fucker. Hey, when I tighten my neck a bit, then move my head, everything I do makes a little noise in my head. And when I like, swallow or move my jaw there's a noise too. Does this occur when anyone else? I can't stop doing it, especially when I'm laying down or reading Harry Potter.
In related news, I think I'm gonna go on some sort of medication, like Zoloft or somethin', for OCD-related reasons. Because while I do consider it mild and understand that some of the symptoms are neuroticisms that many people are subjected to... it's just really gotten frustrating. For example, when I really look forward to things, my tics/whatever get really bad, and I ruin things for myself. Which is really annoying and terrible. I spent about 8 hours on the last, like 150 pages of Harry Potter. Which is just... a lot of time. Although I still enjoyed my Harry Potter experience (OH MAN I JUST LOVE HARRY POTTER SO EFFIN' MUCH - I MEAN, WHO DOESN'T??), It was still a chore to read. Agonizing, at times. And I used to be, and still sometimes am, a very fast reader. Now, I think I'm associated more with art and drama and even music, but when I was younger, I read more than anything. Now I don't really, and I don't think it's because I don't have time (not that that isn't a big factor). It's because it just takes too long.
I also have ruined many movies/plays for myself with tics of various sorts, and it's just... not worth it.
So, there's the 1. wasted time 2. ruined events and 3. physical pain. All the tics and such have, I am pretty certain, contributed to the creaky terribleness of my bones (I swear, I have the bones of an old woman!). And I think compulsively closing my eyes is progressing the formation of wrinkles, and I just can't have that.
Oh, and although I am an EXCELLENT DRIVER, I would feel safer if I didn't feel compelled to do anything I didn't have to while behind the wheel.
WHATEV.
HARRY POTTER, THOUGH, MAN. I'M SO HAP TO BE A PART OF THIS AMAZING COMMUNITY OF HARRY POTTER LOVERS, YOU KNOW? WITH SOME STUFF IT'S LIKE, THE MORE PEOPLE, THE LESS SPECIAL (AND THAT'S NOT EVEN ELITIST, IT'S TRUE - MORE COMMERCIALIZED, CROWDED, MORE ANNOYING PEOPLE, ETC.). BUT WITH H TO THE P, I LOVE THE FACT THAT IT'S A MASSIVE, WORLDLY, COMBINED LOVE. I WENT TO THE PARTY IN THE CENTRAL WEST END FOR A BIT (NEUROTIC ABOUT SPOILERS THE WHOLE TIME), AND I WISHED I HAD BEEN GOING THERE (OR OTHER PARTIES) FOR YEARS. THE CROWDS AT THE MOVIES AREN'T TOO GREAT, AND SOME OF THE YOUNGER FANS ARE ANNOYING (BY NO MEANS ALL OR MOST!) - BUT THE PEOPLE WHO READ ALL THE BOOKS AND REALLY, REALLY, APPRECIATE THEM, WHO ARE OFTEN LIKE ME AND HAVE GROWN UP WITH HARRY, AND SEE HIS COMING OF AGE REFLECTED IN THEIR OWN - I LOVE THOSE PEOPLE AND I LOVE BEING ONE OF THEM. AND NO MATTER WHAT ANY NONBELIEVER SAYS, THERE IS SOMETHING INCREDIBLY SPECIAL ABOUT THE WHOLE THING. I CAN'T THANK JK ROWLING ENOUGH, SERIOUSLY. SHE'S LIKE, A FUCKING HERO.
Coming of age though - this summer is depressing in a lot of ways, and not the best. I don't think about it much, because I know it would devastate me, but realizing change is not easy. I don't miss Metro like, at all, but I do miss other things, like being nowhere near "the future." Plus, until recently (my week-long, self-induced HP exile, and working this week), I've been quite bored. And frustrated about not being able to spend time with people. The reality of leaving is very real, and it will be happening very soon. I wish I could have had, or could continue to have, a summer full of relived moments, new memories, favorite traditions, reminisces, familiar sights and sounds, etc... but it's been a struggle to make those things happen. And the days are really, really winding down. I wish I didn't have to go to camp, even though I know I want to. It kind of scares me, for some reason.
I've barely worked this summer, and I've really hated not working. I am racked with guilt and anxiety this summer, over all kinds of things. Leaving, and not seeing people, not doing productive things, not working, etc. I'm doing a full-day camp this week though, and it feels pretty good. I love kids, just love 'em. I'm not patient or accepting (of the annoying kids) enough to be a full-time teacher or anything, but I still appreciate them. Kids these days, I tell ya - they really are fucked up, a lot of them. Fatties, laze-os, primadonnas, attention-whores... But kids, true kids, are so wise, so smart, so innocent, so confident.
Not that I don't like 'em all (kind of), but there in all the camps I've done there's just been like one kid that really struck me. Always a girl (it's automatically easier to get along with the girls - they seem to immediately like me and want my attention, especially since the other instructors are always male) - first there was Sydney - mildly bratty and demanding but incredibly smart and charming and funny. She kinda reminded me of myself when I was younger (minus the smart and charming and funny part, lolz), 'specially since she kinda looked like a young me. Then there was Morgan, very young, but milllllles ahead of the other kids her age. Just, so bright and really classically cute, with white-blond hair and adorable antics. Now, there's Emily, who's older (like 11), and for some reason got my attention right away. She's tall and wirey-ish, with freckles and blond hair - a classic-looking kid, but with really strange eyes. Again, really smart and confident and spunky but quiet - doesn't demand attention. For some reason I feel a bond with her (even though it's only the second day) - and I wonder if I made it that way or if it was just there. I try to share the love amonst all the kids, ya know, but I really enjoyed talking to her/doing tricks when I can. Oh, and she's adopted... from the Ukraine. That's pretty amazing.
There's also always the clingy girl, the one that wants me to do all the tricks with them and hang around them. This camp there's two. And then there are other cuties, too, of course, like Greg (pretty much the cutest lil' boy EVER, gap-toothed smile and all) and Matthew (a fattie I actually like - often fatties have poor behavior and demand attention - it's just true).
One thing people should know about me is that I really, really want kids. It's something I'm incredibly certain about, and thus looking forward to. I want to be married with children, and couldn't see it any other way. I mean, I can't wait to have kids, guys. Not anytime soon, not remotely. But I'm seriously so excited.
Sometimes people seem really surprised when I express something that's just really normal. I dunno, I think people are really off-base about my motives and my true pleasures. I guess everybody feels that way though.
So I was walking for a while, then I biked every day for a week. Now I'm feelin' kind crappy cuz I'm just lazin' around again. Why? Well, because I wasn't leaving the house while reading Harry Potter (WHO KNOWS WHERE SPOILERS COULD LURK?!), and because I fell off my bike. It was pretty bad. I don't really know what happened, but I took a fall on a downward slope, leaning to my left side. One minute I was riding, the next my seat was all crooked and there were two bloody patches on my hand. It was all exposed and brown and red and dirty and gritty and skinny (i.e., there was skin where it shouldn't have been). A couple days later my momma cut off some of the little nasty white rolls of skin. And my elbow was skinned and my knee a bit banged up. I was fine at first - rode back home ok enough, but then as I sat down and saw the blood and shiz, I got so fucking sick to my stomach. The usual stuff - lightheaded, headache, felt hot. It was really actually incredibly terrible though - my ears felt like they were bleeding.
Ah, what else happened this summer?
I realized I fucking love lentils. So effin' good. And I discovered zucchini. I've had it before when eating out and such, but I don't remember it ever being in the Sievert household. And I plan to add it to the essentials (the vegetables I get every week).
I got two cartilage piercings, then had to take them out. Damn.
My roommate is Ella Wrenn from Boulder, Colorado. I'll be living in the biggest freshman dorm (still small compared to bigger schools) which is pretty sweet and hoppin', I hear, and has a nice field right next to it. I'll be doing base camp/backpacking for the "Passages" part of orientation.
I bought tickets to see Rilo Kiley in Seattle, and will probably buy tickets for the New Pornographers tomorrow. I fucking love Washington already.
I got a 7 on the IB Art exam, which is pretty fucking cool. Especially since no one can beat that. I mean, really, no one. Cuz it's the highest you can get, and even better... cuz I was the first one. So all you 08ers can SUCK IT. I will always, always be the first. And Le Evaluatrix said some fucking nice things that were pretty unbeatable. Ok, I'm being jerky now. But really, it was a happy moment. I was all, "fuck IB, I don't care about all this shiz anyway," then I was like, jumpin' up and down. It perked up a crappy day.
I mean, stuff like that is pretty empowering, because I don't feel great about my art. I know it could be so much better (for good reason, more than one of my final pieces were completed in just a few hours or a day - which really actually doesn't make any sense because it's oil paint and has to dry) and I can see the flaws. A lot of people think art is my "thing." But I've met a lot of people who are really, really, into art, and they've devoted more to it than I have. It's not that I don't work as hard (I put in a loooooot of hours for IB Art - far more than most, I know - more than Lindsay, at least, LOLZ, TWO!) or don't have passion for it, it's just that I've never been able to really focus and enjoy it like I should. It's not the main thing in my life by any means. Unlike a lot of artsy teenagers, I don't feel like it's the only thing I can do. I haven't fallen into the niche like most do. And I know that makes me really lucky. I have a lot of room to grow in a lot of areas, not just in art. It's hard and frustrating to know that I'll never be able to do it all, but that doesn't change the fact that I'm lucky to have options.
Ok, the end! Thanks for reading if read it all (I doubt you did)! And please forgive my terrible online grammar - it follows the way I think (all the repetitive dashes and commas).