(no subject)
Um, I'm frustrated. I know I'm supposed to be sad and all lovey-dovey right now, and I am. But I'm also really frustrated.
I'm frustrated because the last four years, I've been pretty lonely. I'm tired of being the least connected, like I'm on the outside. I've been excluded from a lot of events over the years. It's not intentional, and my friends have every reason to think that I'll be too busy to do things. But I want to be invited. Ok, so "events" isn't the right word. These get-togethers are ill-planned and rarely involve more than three of my gal pals. The thing is, I'm never one of the 3. I'm sometimes one of the 4 or 5, but never the three or two. I complain about this a lot nowadays, which just annoys the shit out of people, I know. But really, I'm just hoping that sometime I'll actually get a reaction. I want someone to actually care that I feel like my relationships are incomplete. Like I've missed out on too many bonding moments, too many inside jokes, and on the list of best friends, I'll always be last. Those few sleepovers and such are some of the few times my friends and I actually have to hang out, something I do far too little of. I wish I was part of the things that matter most to them: the majority of the inside jokes, almost all of the sleepovers, and all the movie plans. The worst part, really, is that my complaint is always met with anger, like it's always my fault.
I think I have every right to be frustrated, too. I don't know how many times I've asked to be called and asked, even if the assumption is that I'm busy.
I think few people appreciate that I care a lot about making memories, and about having strong, real relationships. I love having people over to my house. I love feeling truly close to people. I love doing things for people: buying gifts, cooking food, whatever. The ironic thing is, I try really hard to make things happen with me and my friends, but when they do happen, I'm not even invited.
I need more relationships like the one Emma and I had. It's like a big fucking gap in my life that I've had for a long time. It's not just about Emma (we're still close, but without much time to actually see each other), it's about having the kind of relationships that really matter, the ones where you're ok with just hanging out, where you are completely familiar with each others' houses. I'm tired of people who are disinterested when I invite them over, because that's what I miss more than anything: just hanging out at home.
I'm so glad I have Alex - he's a better friend than anyone else could be - but I can't depend on him for everything, and he can't depend on me for everything.
I have great friends and great, unique, and special relationships, don't get me wrong. But there are some things I've been needing that I just haven't been getting. Does that make any sense?
I just need more people to listen to me, to appreciate me, to treat me like a human being and not like "Molly Sievert." Do I need to quote Morrisey on your ass?
I'm frustrated because the last four years, I've been pretty lonely. I'm tired of being the least connected, like I'm on the outside. I've been excluded from a lot of events over the years. It's not intentional, and my friends have every reason to think that I'll be too busy to do things. But I want to be invited. Ok, so "events" isn't the right word. These get-togethers are ill-planned and rarely involve more than three of my gal pals. The thing is, I'm never one of the 3. I'm sometimes one of the 4 or 5, but never the three or two. I complain about this a lot nowadays, which just annoys the shit out of people, I know. But really, I'm just hoping that sometime I'll actually get a reaction. I want someone to actually care that I feel like my relationships are incomplete. Like I've missed out on too many bonding moments, too many inside jokes, and on the list of best friends, I'll always be last. Those few sleepovers and such are some of the few times my friends and I actually have to hang out, something I do far too little of. I wish I was part of the things that matter most to them: the majority of the inside jokes, almost all of the sleepovers, and all the movie plans. The worst part, really, is that my complaint is always met with anger, like it's always my fault.
I think I have every right to be frustrated, too. I don't know how many times I've asked to be called and asked, even if the assumption is that I'm busy.
I think few people appreciate that I care a lot about making memories, and about having strong, real relationships. I love having people over to my house. I love feeling truly close to people. I love doing things for people: buying gifts, cooking food, whatever. The ironic thing is, I try really hard to make things happen with me and my friends, but when they do happen, I'm not even invited.
I need more relationships like the one Emma and I had. It's like a big fucking gap in my life that I've had for a long time. It's not just about Emma (we're still close, but without much time to actually see each other), it's about having the kind of relationships that really matter, the ones where you're ok with just hanging out, where you are completely familiar with each others' houses. I'm tired of people who are disinterested when I invite them over, because that's what I miss more than anything: just hanging out at home.
I'm so glad I have Alex - he's a better friend than anyone else could be - but I can't depend on him for everything, and he can't depend on me for everything.
I have great friends and great, unique, and special relationships, don't get me wrong. But there are some things I've been needing that I just haven't been getting. Does that make any sense?
I just need more people to listen to me, to appreciate me, to treat me like a human being and not like "Molly Sievert." Do I need to quote Morrisey on your ass?