What have you done? I thought It could be fun....
I have a new job at starbucks even though I'm still in training. I'm doing well in AKS Massage School and enjoying it. I just need to get my tuition paid. I have a new place to live but I don't have a bed yet. I've paid my first and last months rent and bills and I have a key but I think my new roommate already despises me. I faultered off my straight path the other day and did many shrooms. It was enjoyable till I couldn't sleep later that night and was still tripping all day the next day. Couldn't sleep that night and I was by myself so I went to bed. I slept for almost 24 hours and missed shit I was supposed to. Like meet up with Dave and Mike so I could go to Mikie's to get my stuff. I fucked up big time. I was also supposed to clean the house before my mom came home. That didn't happen. Mikie missed a family reunion waiting around for me on Sunday. I was still very much out of my mind when I crashed shortly after waking up on Sunday night. I woke up Monday to my mom screaming at me and ripping off my covers. Mikie's mom just called and was pissed. My dad called shortly after to say I had to be out by Wed., today. Mikie's mom had said something like 10 days. Mom kept screaming at me and telling me that I didn't deserve anything for my birthday, I'm a user, I use people up so they don't want me anymore. I screamed back at her that I know I'm a fuck up, it's a moot point, why does she keep reminding me? I really wasn't trying to screw things up this bad. Just all stemmed from the gut feeling I ignored telling me that I needed to stay home, DON'T GO OUT TO A PARTY! I was mad. My dad was at the Eagles concert. I had wanted to go. He brought my brother and himself, one of his co workers and there had been an extra ticket. I found out it was going to my dad's triathalon buddy. She called during dinner out and said she couldn't make it. My dad asked me who I knew that would like to go. I told him I'd love to, it'd make a great birthday present. He didn't say anything. Day before the concert he walks into my brothers room where me and my brother both are and recommends that Michael take one of his girlfriends (girl friend not dating). I couldn't even say anything in protest. I don't hate or blame my brother but I wish he'd thought to mention me. I knew they'd be coming home late and that my dad would be drunk. I wanted to be far away from the house. SO ...I went to the party. I saw shrooms at an unbeatable price and I hadn't had them in a year. I guess I thought it was a birthday present to myself. Common sense left me as I figured that if I ate them all now, I could enjoy the party, be fine with taking that much and get everything I need to get done for the weekend. It'd been a year since I did them last. It was an eighth split between myself and Sean. I got an eighth for 25$. Usually they're $40-60. I ate the entire eighth at once by myself. I keep making stupid decision after stupid decision. I felt sick all weekend and I was alone for the majority of the time. I cried alot. Not because I felt sorry for myself but because I felt helpless, lost, guilty, stupid, and lonely. The drugs, of course, made these feelings stronger. All I had was the dog. Everything worked out on Monday when my mom, after much screaming, drove me to a U-Haul, rented it, drove me out to Fredricksburg, we plus Mikie packed it all up in under 30min. Then the drive back to the new place, unloaded up a flight of stairs which made both of us sick from the heat and exercise, finally done with that by 8pm. Then we went to Linen's and Things, Bed Bath and Beyond, and Macy's to look at bedsheets for the queen size bed she's now promised me as a birthday present. Didn't buy anything but saw beautiful Calvin Klein sheets. Beautiful as hell. She also wanted to take me to IKEA for a new chest of drawers and a small desk. She said we'd get the bed later.I know she doesn't usually break her promises. But my dad will make her if he's upset at me. As in, she really does want to buy these things for me, but my dad will tell her absolutely not and his word is fucking cardinal law. He came home last night and managed to not be around me for more than thirty seconds before ordering me off the computer and to bed. I'm almost 23, stop giving me orders. Went to class today. Massage didn't help get my mind off of things. Everytime I close my eyes, I can't relax, I can't concentrate, I can't make the physical pain go away and I can't forget that my birthday is less than 24 hours away. My dad refuses to celebrate it this year. I wish I could just hate him and be done with it since he hates me so much. But there's of course in the back of my throat that lump that builds everytime he does something mean to me that screams in my head "I'm your daughter, you're supposed to love me no matter what because I love you and I need you to be my daddy". I can't say this to him. The last time I did was two years ago shortly before my birthday. He laughed in my face. He paused and said, "oh, you weren't kidding...well lauren, grow up and stop over dramatizing everything". So I wish I could just hate him. I think alot about my mom towards the week before my birthday. I mean Theresa Griffith, my biological mom. I've seen one picture but i've never met or spoken to her. I've always known Joan Wilcox wasn't my real mother, can't say when I found out I was adopted. So it was never a secret. But my birth records were. Two years ago I found out her name, saw a picture, found out my father's name, both of their heritage and why they gave me up. I cry when I think about them. I know what my mom felt like when she found out she was pregnant. I felt it too. She wasn't married, she didn't want to be married but she didn't want to kill the baby. She knew she couldn't keep me. I knew I couldn't keep mine. I never gave up the possibility of it though. I didn't want to be denied anything. But I was. Fate interviened so I know what my mother felt when she lost me. The day after I was born I was placed in my now mother's arms. Theresa had changed her mind and kept me a whole day. Joan, having several miscarriages and unable to concieve, had lost another baby. She cried all day. Then my biological grandmother told Theresa that she knew she couldn't raise me...give me up to these people who she knew could afford a baby and raise me in a good environment. I don't care if it sounds conceeded but I know several hearts broke that day because I'm sure mine was one of them. I fear my birthday. I just want to be remembered. I want someone to remember my birthday without me reminding them time and again. I want the smallest most inexpensive present from anyone that remembers. Or even a call, an IM, a hello to tell me that you remember me. My brother's Pre-Operation is tomorrow. So my parents will be in baltimore. This just in, they've decided to leave tonight and beat the traffic. Smart move i guess. I won't see my family for my birthday. I don't care if I sound like a whiny baby anymore. IT HURTS! IT FUCKING HURTS! I just want to be remembered. Someone please remember me.