Life is just a giant spider waiting to bite me on the ass!!
this is a long winded rant about things that are on my mind. It seems to jump from one topic to the next, but then so does my brain. Any of you who really know me will just know that this is normal for me... and disregard any confusion that you may come across.
Also, in the very beginning of this, you will see hard evidence of my commitment issues. They are huge and I can't seem to get past them... they run my life and while they keep me seperated from people who could make me happy... they also keep me safe!
Will I spend the rest of my life with Jeff? Abso-friggin-lutely NOT!
Will I still be with him tomorrow? Never can tell... although I have to at least stick it out until the finale...
Okay, here's the thing....
Christmas is coming.... Don't remind me.... and money is getting tight. It's looking like we're going to have to *sigh* discontinue our cable service for the time being, to save money... which means that if I don't want to miss the last eps of Atlantis I'm goign to have to spend Friday nights with Jeff.... Oh great! Just what I need, Jeff to think I need him!
What's more important... Catching the last eps of Atlantis.... or not letting Jeff think something I can set him straight on after the finale? Yeah... I'll be at Jeff's house on Friday nights...
I'll need to remind him of my "get your fucking hands off me!" rule for Friday nights during Atlantis.
Also, it may come to the point where I have to let the internet go for awhile. we'll be holding off on that for as long as possible because we have family and such out of state that we can only contact through email...
But if there comes a time where you don't hear from me for awhile, you know why. And think of me often if it comes to that.
If I do have to let it go, then I'll be spending more time at my sister's house where she has wireless internet.
I know.... everything I type ends up sounding really slefish, but it's hard not to have everything in the dark when your faced with the prospect of your daughter getting up to almost nothing on Christmas morning.
Yes, I know that gifts aren't the meaning of Christmas and all that, and I've talked to her about the true meaning of Christmas and what it stands for... and her favorite Christmas song for the past two years has been Happy Birthday Jesus (Which is a song that just makes me cry when she sings it!!)
But for a kid... even one who knows the true meaning... waking up to nothing is a real let down.
I feel worse about it because for her entire life I have worked and provided her with everything she needed! Now I find myself in the position where I couldn't buy her a piece of paper if she needed it!
My family is great though! My parents (God Bless them) have picked up the slack even though it makes it difficult. And my sister has bought Cassie the thing she's been asking Santa for the most.
But as parents, I'm sure you know that there is a difference in providing for your child and someone else doing it.
With the economy in the shit house, it's impossible to find a freakin' job! And no one wants to hire someone with restrictions on their schedule... can't work nights or weekend cause of Cassie. But we've been through that post already... sheesh!
I worked at the same place for seven years and never complained about the shit they put us through.
The teacher to one year old ratio is 1 teacher for every 5 toddlers... at one point I had 11 one year olds by my self! The ratio for infants is 4 to 1, and I had almost as many infants as I did one year olds. But I didn't complain because the children were there and being cared for and that was what was important!
Then I call CPS because of something a one year old said when I was changing her diaper..... one week later I was fired!
of course they didn't put on the paper work that it was because of the call, they put tardiness and absenteeism or some shit like that!
I called a lawyer because... hello! I worked in a childcare and suspected child abuse... I was doing my job.
but after they asked to be told the whole story... they said I didn;t have a case because there was no documentation that I was fired because of that and that it would be my word against theirs.
To which I said, I had worked there for 7 years with no problems. I had gone through 2 directors, this dipshit is the third and has a degree in acting so he's only acting like he knows what the fuck he's doing, and I get fired for doing my job and there's nothing we can do about it?
Couldn't even get unemployment because it's a not for profit that doesn't pay into it or some shit.
I guess, except for not having a job and not being with the kids anymore, I'm glad to be out of there... it was too clique-y for me! They needed an assistant director and said "we want to hire in house, someone who knows the kids and the staff." I applied, but since I wasn't (I'm saying the F word too much here....)ing Mike,
I didn't get it, the girl who did had only been there for three weeks and had lost a kid at the children's museum!
Ok, this rant has gotten out of hand. I apologize! But I guess it's therapy!
Happy frellin' Holidays!