Uh oh
So, I haven't been honest with myself. I know what I want and I shouldn't compromise it. I need to find it and not settle. I know too many people who have. I think I've tricked myself into believing that I love him because it's easy and not because I do. I use the excuse that I'm drawn to him because I don't want to believe it's really about me doing whatever he wants and not much of what I want. I thought things were getting better but now I don't think so. Plus, I already told everyone we broke up, so I'll get a ton of shit if I decide to stay with him. And I don't think it's gonna be worth it because we don't want the same things.
Someone pointed out the fact that I seem to be willing to do what ever for attention from a guy. And I guess it's kinda true. I really try to weed through the bullshit, but it's very hard. And they're very good at it. I didn't think I'd be like that because I was single for so long, but now I just want to be with someone. I'm tired of being single. And all my friends are getting married or have been in long, committed relationships and I guess I fear that it won't happen for me.
But things aren't bad. I just wish I could see things better myself. I don't know why I want to work so hard at something that's not worth it. I want to take everything that is crappy and ugly and make it like it's shiny and new, which just can't happen. Some things are meant to be crappy.
Someone pointed out the fact that I seem to be willing to do what ever for attention from a guy. And I guess it's kinda true. I really try to weed through the bullshit, but it's very hard. And they're very good at it. I didn't think I'd be like that because I was single for so long, but now I just want to be with someone. I'm tired of being single. And all my friends are getting married or have been in long, committed relationships and I guess I fear that it won't happen for me.
But things aren't bad. I just wish I could see things better myself. I don't know why I want to work so hard at something that's not worth it. I want to take everything that is crappy and ugly and make it like it's shiny and new, which just can't happen. Some things are meant to be crappy.