omg, you guys, I am SO sad I haven't chimed in until now! I live for the Oscars! I'm just having a really busy week. But that is NO excuse.
Rach, I agree with many of your comments. SJP and Zoe Saldana were my worst-dressed by far. And all of America collectively yelled WHAT THE FUCK!!!! when Charlize Theron appeared on screen (seriously, you could hear people screaming in horror in the streets). The only reason she's not in my top spot is because at least the color was nice and her hair/makeup are pretty. SJP is really the worst of the worst. She's such a thoroughly put-together person that I can't believe that her weird poofy flyaways on top of her head--it was like a shadow of her hairdo, hovering an inch above it--wasn't on purpose. So instead I'm just left wondering WHY?!?!? Why? Why did you want to look like you had your hair did and then slept on it for six days? We may never know.
The only one I must really vehemently disagree with is Demi Moore. I think her dress also looked like a Project Runway challenge: Make a gown out of cold cuts. Seriously. Whoever at our party said she was bedecked in the finest Italian prosciutto was RIGHT ON THE MONEY. Observe:
Can you figure out which is a delicious meat product and which is Ashton Kutcher's old lady. Because I CANNOT.
Moving on.
Best Trend: Silvery Dresses
Sandra Bullock was actually my top pick for the night! She looked gorgeous, so well put together! I love her lip color.
HOTTT. She looked lovely.
Oh my god WOMAN you just get more smoking every year!!! By the time she's in her nineties she's going to have to go into hiding to avoid people just spontaneously throwing their underwear at her.
Must Grudgingly Admit I Liked
IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE ANY LESS INSUFFERABLE, SAGGY.
Great print, though. And she wins my accessory of the night too:
DO WANT
Must Grudgingly Admit I Hated
Oh, Kate. You know I'll always love you, but why you gotta do me like that? This is is total mother-of-the-bride. The top is so fitted, and the bottom just looks like she tied a curtain around her waist. Plus her makeup washes her out. I'm sorry. I love you, Kate!!!!!!
Most Unexpected Designer
This was done by Chris March!!! Yes, Project Runway's Chris March!
So while I didn't ADORE it, I did like that she went with a less well-known designer.
PART TWO!!! (because my comment was too goddamn long)
Boiled Shrimp Award for Disgraceful Posture
You guys, I didn't even search for the worst picture of her. This was the first one I found. And literally every single one is like this, or worse. Dear Miley, You're lucky you even got invited to the Oscars. Wait, how did you get invited to the Oscars? At any rate, here's a hint: if your boobs would pop out of your bodice were you to stand up straight, then it DOES NOT FIT YOU. Thankee. NOT love, Ames
Fire Your Stylist Award
Because this dress is completely gorgeous, but styled all wrong. It needs some sort of a neck accessory, her hair needs to be darker, and she needs more color in her face. It could have been my favorite of the night. Instead I'm just sort of sad about it.
And, finally....
The Third Annual "Debbie" Awarded for achievement in debilitating anorexia
Was there ever any doubt? In a year when perennial favorite Shaun Robinson looked like a broomstick, Mrs. James Cameron still took the cake. What. The. Fuck. I pretty much gasped every time she came on screen. Also: if you're an older woman, you can do low-cut or one-shoulder, but you really can't do them both at the same time. This dress was WAY too youthful. Also seemed design to terrify viewers with her horrifying ribcage. Finally: Is it just me, or does James Cameron look like an aged lesbian?
Rach, as far as the actual ceremony goes, it was the worst in years. And I am not just saying that because you're sad you missed it. It was long, bloated, corny, and just generally craptastic. And there were a couple of just cringeworthy speeches. The first being when the estranged producer of the movie that won best documentary short ran up on the stage and pulled a total Kanye on the director in the middle of his speech. Have you heard about this? It was unbelievable. She just ran up on stage and began yelling into the microphone, JUST LIKE A MAN TO DO ALL THE TALKING!!! And then started talking bullshit about the film she dropped out of. It was....weird. Oh, and then the guy who won for like best sound mixing or something got up on stage and, in the most cheesedickish, self-absorbed way possible, was all, "Eight years ago doctors told me I had sixth months to live. Blah blah cancer blah, I knew better than the doctor and thank god because I lived to create a masterpiece of sound editing." It was soooooo awkward and inappropriate. Also he was up there with like four other people who were like, Uh, we don't get to talk? Because we didn't have a brain tumor? Ok then. Cool.
Anyway, go ahead and watch it when you get a chance. But don't say I didn't warn you. It was a real snoozefest, promise.
Sandra Bullock looked great from the neck up to me, but her dress made me feel like she was recycling someone's Olympic figure skating outfit with a long silvery skirt randomly sewn onto it. No thank you.
Maggie G's dress I didn't like at first, but the more pictures I saw, the more I did indeed like it. And yes, I totally covet that bracelet.
Kate Winslet's was kind of the opposite of Maggie's for me. I liked it at first, and the more pictures I saw, I realized that no, it wasn't just an odd angle in one, it's really not that flattering on her. I like the idea of it, but the execution doesn't work for me.
WTF?! Chris March designed that boring Meryl affair? It does make me like her for going with him, but I still think it's a sad and boring dress in and of itself.
Miley's dress was really pretty, I thought, but I also wanted to make her walk around balancing a book on her head all night. STAND UP STRAIGHT!!!
And Rachel McAdams... you all know how much I love her, but her whole look was not impressing me. I think that dress was just too much dress on her. It seemed too long and too full in the skirt so that it was sort of edging into beach cover-up territory. I like the color and pattern and style. I like her accessorizing and makeup and hair. But all together it just doesn't work. Which makes me sad.
TOTALLY agre on Rachel McAdams. I think even just doing a dark chocolate hair color would have saved this. Still would have been great with the other style pieces you mention, too.... but so sad that this wasn't what it should have been.
Also, I am on the fence about Saggy Gylenhaal. the color is nice, the print is nice, the cut is nice.... all of the single elements I like, but ehn... I'm not sure why it's not really doing it for me. Maybe if she had more boobies to fill it in. Imagine this dress on Christina Hendricks. Now THAT I could get behind.
Rach, I agree with many of your comments. SJP and Zoe Saldana were my worst-dressed by far. And all of America collectively yelled WHAT THE FUCK!!!! when Charlize Theron appeared on screen (seriously, you could hear people screaming in horror in the streets). The only reason she's not in my top spot is because at least the color was nice and her hair/makeup are pretty. SJP is really the worst of the worst. She's such a thoroughly put-together person that I can't believe that her weird poofy flyaways on top of her head--it was like a shadow of her hairdo, hovering an inch above it--wasn't on purpose. So instead I'm just left wondering WHY?!?!? Why? Why did you want to look like you had your hair did and then slept on it for six days? We may never know.
The only one I must really vehemently disagree with is Demi Moore. I think her dress also looked like a Project Runway challenge: Make a gown out of cold cuts. Seriously. Whoever at our party said she was bedecked in the finest Italian prosciutto was RIGHT ON THE MONEY. Observe:
Can you figure out which is a delicious meat product and which is Ashton Kutcher's old lady. Because I CANNOT.
Moving on.
Best Trend: Silvery Dresses
Sandra Bullock was actually my top pick for the night! She looked gorgeous, so well put together! I love her lip color.
HOTTT. She looked lovely.
Oh my god WOMAN you just get more smoking every year!!! By the time she's in her nineties she's going to have to go into hiding to avoid people just spontaneously throwing their underwear at her.
Must Grudgingly Admit I Liked
IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE ANY LESS INSUFFERABLE, SAGGY.
Great print, though. And she wins my accessory of the night too:
DO WANT
Must Grudgingly Admit I Hated
Oh, Kate. You know I'll always love you, but why you gotta do me like that? This is is total mother-of-the-bride. The top is so fitted, and the bottom just looks like she tied a curtain around her waist. Plus her makeup washes her out.
I'm sorry. I love you, Kate!!!!!!
Most Unexpected Designer
This was done by Chris March!!! Yes, Project Runway's Chris March!
So while I didn't ADORE it, I did like that she went with a less well-known designer.
Reply
Boiled Shrimp Award for Disgraceful Posture
You guys, I didn't even search for the worst picture of her. This was the first one I found. And literally every single one is like this, or worse. Dear Miley, You're lucky you even got invited to the Oscars. Wait, how did you get invited to the Oscars? At any rate, here's a hint: if your boobs would pop out of your bodice were you to stand up straight, then it DOES NOT FIT YOU. Thankee. NOT love, Ames
Fire Your Stylist Award
Because this dress is completely gorgeous, but styled all wrong. It needs some sort of a neck accessory, her hair needs to be darker, and she needs more color in her face. It could have been my favorite of the night. Instead I'm just sort of sad about it.
And, finally....
The Third Annual "Debbie"
Awarded for achievement in debilitating anorexia
Was there ever any doubt? In a year when perennial favorite Shaun Robinson looked like a broomstick, Mrs. James Cameron still took the cake. What. The. Fuck. I pretty much gasped every time she came on screen.
Also: if you're an older woman, you can do low-cut or one-shoulder, but you really can't do them both at the same time. This dress was WAY too youthful. Also seemed design to terrify viewers with her horrifying ribcage.
Finally: Is it just me, or does James Cameron look like an aged lesbian?
Rach, as far as the actual ceremony goes, it was the worst in years. And I am not just saying that because you're sad you missed it. It was long, bloated, corny, and just generally craptastic. And there were a couple of just cringeworthy speeches. The first being when the estranged producer of the movie that won best documentary short ran up on the stage and pulled a total Kanye on the director in the middle of his speech. Have you heard about this? It was unbelievable. She just ran up on stage and began yelling into the microphone, JUST LIKE A MAN TO DO ALL THE TALKING!!! And then started talking bullshit about the film she dropped out of. It was....weird. Oh, and then the guy who won for like best sound mixing or something got up on stage and, in the most cheesedickish, self-absorbed way possible, was all, "Eight years ago doctors told me I had sixth months to live. Blah blah cancer blah, I knew better than the doctor and thank god because I lived to create a masterpiece of sound editing." It was soooooo awkward and inappropriate. Also he was up there with like four other people who were like, Uh, we don't get to talk? Because we didn't have a brain tumor? Ok then. Cool.
Anyway, go ahead and watch it when you get a chance. But don't say I didn't warn you. It was a real snoozefest, promise.
Reply
Sandra Bullock looked great from the neck up to me, but her dress made me feel like she was recycling someone's Olympic figure skating outfit with a long silvery skirt randomly sewn onto it. No thank you.
Maggie G's dress I didn't like at first, but the more pictures I saw, the more I did indeed like it. And yes, I totally covet that bracelet.
Kate Winslet's was kind of the opposite of Maggie's for me. I liked it at first, and the more pictures I saw, I realized that no, it wasn't just an odd angle in one, it's really not that flattering on her. I like the idea of it, but the execution doesn't work for me.
WTF?! Chris March designed that boring Meryl affair? It does make me like her for going with him, but I still think it's a sad and boring dress in and of itself.
Miley's dress was really pretty, I thought, but I also wanted to make her walk around balancing a book on her head all night. STAND UP STRAIGHT!!!
And Rachel McAdams... you all know how much I love her, but her whole look was not impressing me. I think that dress was just too much dress on her. It seemed too long and too full in the skirt so that it was sort of edging into beach cover-up territory. I like the color and pattern and style. I like her accessorizing and makeup and hair. But all together it just doesn't work. Which makes me sad.
Reply
I'm so glad you chimed in!
TOTALLY agre on Rachel McAdams. I think even just doing a dark chocolate hair color would have saved this. Still would have been great with the other style pieces you mention, too.... but so sad that this wasn't what it should have been.
Also, I am on the fence about Saggy Gylenhaal. the color is nice, the print is nice, the cut is nice.... all of the single elements I like, but ehn... I'm not sure why it's not really doing it for me. Maybe if she had more boobies to fill it in. Imagine this dress on Christina Hendricks. Now THAT I could get behind.
Reply
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