3-Month Anniversary
Today I expected it to be a loving day between my girlfriend and myself. I actually sent her an email card to wish her happy anniversary. It started off okay, but then she started in on her 10 year old son about eating and leaving trash in their livingroom. I was on the FaceTime with her and watched it.
But, it went downhill from there and nothing was fun anymore. It was morning and my hair hasn't been done nicely for days. I feel depressed and I don't want to get it done anymore, meaning my hair, or much else right now.
My heart hurts in this moment and I feel a lot of intense pain. She complains about shirts that I have with holes in them, and threatens to throw them out. She talked about my hair today and she has been asking me to comb it. I deal with her hair and it's always up in a wig, or braided plates like old days slaves and I don't complain and get upset. I still think she's beautiful.
I don't complain about her she dresses etc. But, it's okay I say, it isn't what is most important about her. She hung up on me when I started to tell her that what she was saying about my hair hurt, and next she just told me she was sick. She was vomiting and needed to go and lay down.
I now understand that 2 months is too early to start talking about marriage for me, sure some people have married like that, but I am learning that it takes more than that to find someone that really is loving and that you vibe with all the time. I don't know where this will go from here. I do hurt a lot right now and I am fighting being depressed this past time.
I don't like this feeling at all. I am not sure she will apologize. I know that I will have to speak up and let her know that I didn't like being disrespected and hung up on like that and I didn't deserve it. She was talking about my hair negatively and yes, I am sensitive about my hair. So, it's not the best looking and I don't do the best job with it always, but it doesn't give her a right to treat me so meanly about it. I don't like it when my heart hurts like this and it is relationship pain.
I also started writing her emails, and she hasn't answered them. I am not sure if I want to keep writing her and making it a point to communicate via email. I don't know if I was doing it for the emails to be sent to me also, meaning for the outcome of her writing and talking with me via emails, or just to be reaching out to her. However, I do know that it hurts very much and so I just kinda stopped writing and reaching out to her like I had been doing.
I am still practicing detachment I guess and I haven't mastered it at all. I hurt a lot now inside my heart. I know I've said it a lot of times in this letter. I am just trying to get as much of the pain out of my heart as I can. I am not super hungry again. I don't even want to cook. But something has to happen for dinner time is close now, as it's 4:23 p.m.
I will sign out now and let this laptop charge up. Thank you for always been here for me little whitespace diary even though no one may ever read you.