Feeling Check
Today is Thursday and I feel really bad emotionally. Last night, or rather yesterday was extremely a horrible day. It was just arguing with Lynell all day. I think the tip off was her telling me that she wasn't going to send me snaps anymore. I love her snaps and she knows this, as I've told her several times. It was like again I was being punished. I hate this kind of behavior, I mean why can't we talk like normal people?
Then go on and live without her always trying to punish me by taking something away that I love. I don't like this behavior. I don't like not being able to post on her wall. I don't like so much today and it is just making me hurt and sad. I just feel really sad today.
Emotional pain is so debilitating for me and this is why I think it was easier for me not to be in a relationship. When I spiral, I spiral down super hard. I am fighting now being in the bed all day as it is, and well here I am again. I thought about maybe being with someone else. But, then the thought of losing Lynell yesterday became horrible.
It has sent me into a terrible spot. Well, I found myself crying and crying last night and I couldn't sleep. Now, I'm fighting being totally distant from her and anyone else. I am looking forward to making myself a good dinner tonight. However, I thought that I wanted to talk to Lynell earlier today. I asked when was a good time to call her and she didn't respond to my text for over 45 mins. It was just silence and then I saw her posting on Facebook and it was within the time that I was waiting for her to respond to me. I then went and deleted a message off of her fb page that I had put and then I got a text back.
I was like fuck you. ugh.. I just didn't want say much more, let alone call and talk to her. I hurt really bad and this just doesn't feel good today. This relationship doesn't feel good today. I am doing my best to not be clingy, or anything else that is negative. Mostly, I'm staying to myself and doing my own self healing. Telling myself that I'm a good person and love on myself silently. Who wants someone that just takes away actions of affection when they are upset with you? To reach out and hurt you on purpose.
I don't. I don't like this feeling at all. I want to feel happy and good again. I am just not there yet. Lynell, texted me awhile ago and said she was home. However, I don't feel like she really wants to talk tto me. So, it's just better to keep my distance.