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Thursday, July 08, 2004
Mary-Kate Don't Be Afraid to Eat My Cock
A letter to a special 18 year-old girl who is going through some rough times.
With all of the hubbub surrounding Mary-Kate Olsen’s turn in ye olde rehabilitation facility, I’ve decided to send her a personal message of support in these trying times. If you are not Mary-Kate Olsen, please stop reading immediately and, instead, skip directly to today’s bountiful content updates. (Ashley, you can stay too, but the DualStar Entertainment legal team has to go.)
MK, listen up: I know times are tough. The occasion of your 18th birthday has opened up many doors - lottery tickets, tobacco products, and interracial amputee pornography, to name a few. Alas, your arbitrary milestone of adulthood has also made your personal life fair game to the media and tabloid hounds. I have been a minor media target at times, and I understand how difficult they can be, and it’s important that you remember that you are still your own person, and cannot allow your decisions to be influenced by the chance of publicity backlash. Always do what’s best for you.
For example, it takes a courageous person to say, “I have an eating disorder, and it is my problem.” But it takes a much braver person to say, “The media, my family, and my friends all say I have an eating disorder, but what the fuck do they know? You don’t live my life! Really, it’s your problem - not mine. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must stare at an unopened box of Poptarts and lash myself with sugar cane.”
See? You can’t let the naysayers get you down, MK. I, for one, understand exactly what you’re going through, and appreciate your willingness to risk long-term health damage and a slow, withering death to look more attractive for me. You give and you give and you give some more -- I thank you for that.
But during your self-imposed starvation, please don’t forget the most important advice anyone can give you: under no circumstances should you ever -- EVER -- be afraid to swallow a delicious mouthful of my cock.
Anorexia is all well and good -- in today’s beauty and fitness-oriented celebrity culture, anorexia shows a dedication to your own success -- but, please, never forget that your daily ration of sweet Hebrew man-jit is only a zipper’s descent away. Gobbling my pork pole is the ideal way to stave off your body’s pesky, instinctual desire to nourish itself, and your flat-lining energy level will get a boost when I spackle your throat with steaming hot, vitamin-rich prostate grits.
These are determined times for you, I know, but determined times call for determined people, and I’m determined to stick my dick in your mouth -- for your own good, of course. Shoot me an email and let me know when visiting hours are, sweet-tits. I’ll bring the interracial amputee porn.
Stay sick,