Another Slew of Semester Quotes
It has been yet another semester, my dear friends, and along with it comes a plethora of delightful quotes from classmates and teachers at the intense school of art known as Columbia College Chicago. Fuck state schools, I mean, just look at these quotes and you'll understand:
"All the people love to see a movie get made. All the crazies. And the people with no pants."
-Jennifer Peepas, Production 2 teacher
"Poverty is a riot, isn't it?"
-Nancy Beckett, Writing Comedy teacher
"The British love sugar, just look at their teeth."
-James Kollenbroich, US History: to 1877 teacher
"You know sometimes I expect fire and sulfur to rain from the sky because the world is too stupid to live."
-Peter Christensen, Bible as Literature teacher
"Do you think Robert Cole got his jollies by making candles?"
-James Kollenbroich
"There is genealogy in 1 Corinthians that is chapter after chapter long. To read it is to die."
- Peter Christensen
"When she goes in the room and says, 'Come here' she doesn't mean to play cards."
-James Kollenbroich
"The original translation of this passage could have been 'When the owl hoots, the hunter pisses on his foot.' We don't know."
- Peter Christensen
(To Jack Waterman)
"Hey Jack, I hope you get syphilis and die."
-Brad Fry
Jennifer Peepas: I'm running out of room on this board. I could use an eraser.
Me: Just write on the walls.
Jennifer Peepas: With my poop.
(Amazing random moment on the subway Red Line)
Huge black girl: I don't even know what you see in me.
Black guy: You got some big ass titties.
Huge black girl: I think that's all you see in anyone.
Black guy: Yeah... titties.
"In real life, your mother dies once. In comedy or drama, we want that shit to happen NOW."
-Nancy Beckett
"While researching your paper, I hope you use common sense. If you come across a website that says, 'Abe Lincoln deep fried children in the White House kitchen,' I hope you realize this is false and move on."
-James Kollenbroich
"I don't know what this building was used for before Columbia took it over, but I have a sneaking suspicion that my office was a broom closet."
- Peter Christensen
James Kollenbroich: A lot of stereotypes come from this time, because the African Americans played stupid and move really slowly when they worked.
Kid in Class: That's how I work.
James Kollenbroich: Oh, you work for the government, do you?
(Brad Fry enters room)
"Ass pirate."
-Jack Waterman
Mary Kay: Do you want to maybe rub my back?
Me: Do you want to maybe play with my balls?
"I thought I had appendicitus, turns out I just had to shit real bad."
-Christian Gridelli
"Episcopalians services are pretty boring, my Episcopalian Pastor friend calls them the 'frozen chosen.'"
- James Kollenbroich
(In reference to Gen 19:30)
"They have to get Lot oiled for daddy to do the nasty with them."
- Peter Christensen
James Kollenbroich: You can't have excessive bail.
Ryan Luciani: Except to Brad Fry, getting arrested for being stupid.
Me: You can't put a price on that.
"The Pope is the Anti-Christ, in case you didn't know that."
- James Kollenbroich
Nancy Beckett: What about your girlfriend, how does she talk?
Kid in class: I, I don't let her talk.
"They want to gang rape two angels?"
-Peter Christensen
"Austria gets a severely mentally retarded king and the only thing he says that makes sense is 'I'm the emperor and I want noodles.'"
- James Kollenbroich
(Talking about what made people think witches were witches)
Brad Fry: (whispering to me): Cause they were unattractive.
Me: Say it, it's probably right.
Brad Fry: You think?
(I nod)
Brad Fry: (to teacher) They were unattractive.
James Kollenbroich: Well, no, not usually.
(Brad Fry jerks his head towards me)
Brad Fry: You fucking asshole!
"That does mean a light bulb goes on and God says, 'You are saved!'"
- James Kollenbroich
(about London)
"They serve intoxicating beverages there! Disgusting!"
-Peter Christensen
(Ryan Luciani answers a question correctly and turns to me)
"I'm so smart, Dan."
-Ryan Luciani
(Fire alarm goes off)
Girl in class: I think someone accidentally opened a door or something.
Peter Christensen: Go out there and kill them!
"Can I title my group protagonist screenplay 'The Adventures of Mr. Thingy and Mr. Dingy?'"
-Me
"Alexander Hamilton: the guy on the money."
- James Kollenbroich
(On the Revolutionary War)
"We fought like Al Quida... dirty."
-Jack Waterman aka Faggot Breath
"John Quincy Adams is very smart and good at his job, but has the charisma of a sea slug."
- James Kollenbroich
"He's dead, he's in capoot city."
-Peter Christensen
Brad Fry: Waterman, you are so stupid.
Waterman: Hey Brad, why don't you stop being such a fucking asshole.
"Chunky turd nuggets with apple spice."
-Written in my notebook by Brandan Baki
James Kollenbroich: When the President stamps a veto... and it is a stamp, by the way-
Me: Is it a big stamp?
James Kollenbroich: Not really.
Me: Aww.
(I laugh at Joe Yeoman)
"When I have sex with your first wife, I'll laugh that hard too."
-Joe Yeoman
"And imagine that, Leah gets preggers."
-Peter Christensen
"Everything was moving faster and the people weren't use to it. They would see a train in the distance and say, 'Hey, I can make- (SMACK!)'"
- James Kollenbroich
"I'm hungry right now, in fact, I can't wait for this class to be over. I'm not going to let you out early, though, I'm just going to enjoy my candy bar in my office a little more than usual."
-Peter Christensen
(Talking about an economy where you live off what you grow)
James Kollenbroich: They have very little money to buy sugar, shoes...
Jack Waterman: Coke.
"If Justin Timberlake at the Superbowl had pulled out an Uzi and popped Janet Jackson, he'd be praised. But a breast pops out and it's the end of the world."
- James Kollenbroich
"This tale ends with Joseph being thrown in the slammer. I've been there a few times, it ain't fun."
-Peter Christensen
"I once whittled a Buddha."
-Phil in my Writing Comedy class
"She seems to have three words in her vocabulary, 'Lie with me, lie with me.' Which in my vocabulary could be just two words."
-Peter Christensen
"Think of all the things you can get on the computer now you couldn't in grade school... and not cause you're an adult."
- James Kollenbroich
"Son of a Whig!"
-Jack Waterman
"You know why they are called Shakers? Because they shake. When they are filled with the spirit they shake. The Quakers just quake, Shakers shake."
- James Kollenbroich
Nancy Beckett: You have to write a dark comedy.
Me: I'm going to title mine 'Anne Frank: A Romantic Comedy.
(A kid falls asleep in class)
"Corey! You alive? I don't want you to miss a single pearl of my wisdom!"
-Peter Christensen
"There isn't much competition in basket weaving."
- James Kollenbroich
(Talking about a topic in class, which happens to be a paper topic in the other Bible as Lit. class)
"If you tell anyone in the other class, I will kill you. And you know this is true because I have a homicidal history at Columbia."
-Peter Christensen
"I can't wait for marijuana to be legal... Yea!... Go to Wal-Mart... 'Getting a Christmas tree. sir?' 'Nope! Marijuana!'"
-Brad Fry
Peter Christensen: Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. We can imagine Joseph looks like Donnie Osmond.
(I laugh hardcore)
Me: Oh, Mormons.
(Impersonating the Israelites following Moses in the desert)
"Moses, you son of a bitch, I'm thirsty. I want to go home!"
-Peter Christensen
"No rich girl sits around saying, 'When I grow up I want to be a hooker.'"
- James Kollenbroich
"When I assign Exodus, I'm a pig in shit when we get to the plagues because I know I can skip them because they are so LONG."
-Peter Christensen
(Discussing the birth control method practiced by Catholics known as the Rhythm Method, which if you are unfamiliar with it is the idea that if you have sex on certain days of the month, the woman cannot get pregnant)
"You know what they call couples who practice the rhythm method? Parents."
- James Kollenbroich
(In a note passes in class)
"Horrace Grant was the Pistons slave. He was their WORK HORSE... Ba Dum Tssh!"
-Brad Bukauskas
Nancy Beckett: My friend just took a trip to Hiroshima.
Christian Gridelli: Hope she had her biohazard suit! Pfff!
"Let's say I strangle you in front of all these people. What happens to me? Would I ride the lightening? Get the chair?"
-Peter Christensen
Kid in Bible Class: I have to leave early today.
Peter Christensen: WHAT?!?!
Peter Christensen: Judith says, 'You can't always get what you want.."
Me: But if you try sometimes, you just might find... you get what you NEED!
"Whereas most people look quite different after getting only two hours of sleep, this man looks exactly the same, if that helps you get a visual."
-Peter Christensen
"I'm going to manage every aspect of my production, instead of popcorn, I'm going to serve SCORPIONS!"
-Sam Rodriguez
(Talking about selling said scorpions)
"You want butter on those scorpions... You sure? It's just gunna piss them off."
-Sammy Rodriguez
"I hate Bible paper more than anything. Oh, come on page, TURN! Or I will maim you!"
-Peter Christensen
(Talking about contraceptives)
"And there's always just pulling out, which doesn't work."
- James Kollenbroich
"They are circumcised with flint knives. Oh, Jesus!"
-Peter Christensen
"Judges- we are reading the story of retards."
-Peter Christensen
Peter Christensen: Ever had a good day?
Class: Yes.
Peter Christensen: Really? I'm still waiting... I'm getting impatient.
(Talking to a girl in class)
"You didn't just look dumb, you are!"
-Peter Christensen
"Unfortunately, his army consists of 22 men because the country looks at him like he's crazy, cause he is."
- James Kollenbroich
"Samson is a dolt. He's so stupid I think there is a minus sign in front of his IQ."
-Peter Christensen
"It was so cold today that I couldn't even do the crossword puzzle in the Red Eye because my pen was frozen. I was very upset."
-Peter Christensen
"Burnside, the man who sideburns are named after, is the most incompetent general, our class could take him in battle."
- James Kollenbroich
"It sounds like Japheth was as exclusive as a mailbox."
-Peter Christensen
"She gets him stoned... and not the happy kind."
-Peter Christensen
(Talking about the seceding south)
"Why would you want to bring Florida back in the Union... Disney World? Lincoln has the same problem with no Disney."
- James Kollenbroich
Peter Christensen: Where is everyone? Where are all the good students?
(Joe turns to me)
Joe: Let's kick his ass.
"Let us examine some of the weirdatude of this tale."
-Peter Christensen
"If you marry someone by pointing a gun at their head, when you put that gun down, they run. Unless you are undeniably charming."
- James Kollenbroich
"Job is the book in the Bible that tells us 'Shit happens and there is no reason why and God won't tell us either.'"
-Peter Christensen
"The word 'hooker' comes from Joseph Hooker because he liked to party... A lot."
- James Kollenbroich
"Words come to make sense of everything. Tears come when emotions and everything are so jumbled up you can't make sense of them."
-Peter Christensen
"I've known some bastardly sons of bitches."
-Peter Christensen
"God says, 'Job bad things happen to good people all the time' and Job says to God, 'FUCK YOU!'"
-Peter Christensen
Hope you enjoyed that. And look forward to the end of next semester, where more silly quotes shall find their way here!
"All the people love to see a movie get made. All the crazies. And the people with no pants."
-Jennifer Peepas, Production 2 teacher
"Poverty is a riot, isn't it?"
-Nancy Beckett, Writing Comedy teacher
"The British love sugar, just look at their teeth."
-James Kollenbroich, US History: to 1877 teacher
"You know sometimes I expect fire and sulfur to rain from the sky because the world is too stupid to live."
-Peter Christensen, Bible as Literature teacher
"Do you think Robert Cole got his jollies by making candles?"
-James Kollenbroich
"There is genealogy in 1 Corinthians that is chapter after chapter long. To read it is to die."
- Peter Christensen
"When she goes in the room and says, 'Come here' she doesn't mean to play cards."
-James Kollenbroich
"The original translation of this passage could have been 'When the owl hoots, the hunter pisses on his foot.' We don't know."
- Peter Christensen
(To Jack Waterman)
"Hey Jack, I hope you get syphilis and die."
-Brad Fry
Jennifer Peepas: I'm running out of room on this board. I could use an eraser.
Me: Just write on the walls.
Jennifer Peepas: With my poop.
(Amazing random moment on the subway Red Line)
Huge black girl: I don't even know what you see in me.
Black guy: You got some big ass titties.
Huge black girl: I think that's all you see in anyone.
Black guy: Yeah... titties.
"In real life, your mother dies once. In comedy or drama, we want that shit to happen NOW."
-Nancy Beckett
"While researching your paper, I hope you use common sense. If you come across a website that says, 'Abe Lincoln deep fried children in the White House kitchen,' I hope you realize this is false and move on."
-James Kollenbroich
"I don't know what this building was used for before Columbia took it over, but I have a sneaking suspicion that my office was a broom closet."
- Peter Christensen
James Kollenbroich: A lot of stereotypes come from this time, because the African Americans played stupid and move really slowly when they worked.
Kid in Class: That's how I work.
James Kollenbroich: Oh, you work for the government, do you?
(Brad Fry enters room)
"Ass pirate."
-Jack Waterman
Mary Kay: Do you want to maybe rub my back?
Me: Do you want to maybe play with my balls?
"I thought I had appendicitus, turns out I just had to shit real bad."
-Christian Gridelli
"Episcopalians services are pretty boring, my Episcopalian Pastor friend calls them the 'frozen chosen.'"
- James Kollenbroich
(In reference to Gen 19:30)
"They have to get Lot oiled for daddy to do the nasty with them."
- Peter Christensen
James Kollenbroich: You can't have excessive bail.
Ryan Luciani: Except to Brad Fry, getting arrested for being stupid.
Me: You can't put a price on that.
"The Pope is the Anti-Christ, in case you didn't know that."
- James Kollenbroich
Nancy Beckett: What about your girlfriend, how does she talk?
Kid in class: I, I don't let her talk.
"They want to gang rape two angels?"
-Peter Christensen
"Austria gets a severely mentally retarded king and the only thing he says that makes sense is 'I'm the emperor and I want noodles.'"
- James Kollenbroich
(Talking about what made people think witches were witches)
Brad Fry: (whispering to me): Cause they were unattractive.
Me: Say it, it's probably right.
Brad Fry: You think?
(I nod)
Brad Fry: (to teacher) They were unattractive.
James Kollenbroich: Well, no, not usually.
(Brad Fry jerks his head towards me)
Brad Fry: You fucking asshole!
"That does mean a light bulb goes on and God says, 'You are saved!'"
- James Kollenbroich
(about London)
"They serve intoxicating beverages there! Disgusting!"
-Peter Christensen
(Ryan Luciani answers a question correctly and turns to me)
"I'm so smart, Dan."
-Ryan Luciani
(Fire alarm goes off)
Girl in class: I think someone accidentally opened a door or something.
Peter Christensen: Go out there and kill them!
"Can I title my group protagonist screenplay 'The Adventures of Mr. Thingy and Mr. Dingy?'"
-Me
"Alexander Hamilton: the guy on the money."
- James Kollenbroich
(On the Revolutionary War)
"We fought like Al Quida... dirty."
-Jack Waterman aka Faggot Breath
"John Quincy Adams is very smart and good at his job, but has the charisma of a sea slug."
- James Kollenbroich
"He's dead, he's in capoot city."
-Peter Christensen
Brad Fry: Waterman, you are so stupid.
Waterman: Hey Brad, why don't you stop being such a fucking asshole.
"Chunky turd nuggets with apple spice."
-Written in my notebook by Brandan Baki
James Kollenbroich: When the President stamps a veto... and it is a stamp, by the way-
Me: Is it a big stamp?
James Kollenbroich: Not really.
Me: Aww.
(I laugh at Joe Yeoman)
"When I have sex with your first wife, I'll laugh that hard too."
-Joe Yeoman
"And imagine that, Leah gets preggers."
-Peter Christensen
"Everything was moving faster and the people weren't use to it. They would see a train in the distance and say, 'Hey, I can make- (SMACK!)'"
- James Kollenbroich
"I'm hungry right now, in fact, I can't wait for this class to be over. I'm not going to let you out early, though, I'm just going to enjoy my candy bar in my office a little more than usual."
-Peter Christensen
(Talking about an economy where you live off what you grow)
James Kollenbroich: They have very little money to buy sugar, shoes...
Jack Waterman: Coke.
"If Justin Timberlake at the Superbowl had pulled out an Uzi and popped Janet Jackson, he'd be praised. But a breast pops out and it's the end of the world."
- James Kollenbroich
"This tale ends with Joseph being thrown in the slammer. I've been there a few times, it ain't fun."
-Peter Christensen
"I once whittled a Buddha."
-Phil in my Writing Comedy class
"She seems to have three words in her vocabulary, 'Lie with me, lie with me.' Which in my vocabulary could be just two words."
-Peter Christensen
"Think of all the things you can get on the computer now you couldn't in grade school... and not cause you're an adult."
- James Kollenbroich
"Son of a Whig!"
-Jack Waterman
"You know why they are called Shakers? Because they shake. When they are filled with the spirit they shake. The Quakers just quake, Shakers shake."
- James Kollenbroich
Nancy Beckett: You have to write a dark comedy.
Me: I'm going to title mine 'Anne Frank: A Romantic Comedy.
(A kid falls asleep in class)
"Corey! You alive? I don't want you to miss a single pearl of my wisdom!"
-Peter Christensen
"There isn't much competition in basket weaving."
- James Kollenbroich
(Talking about a topic in class, which happens to be a paper topic in the other Bible as Lit. class)
"If you tell anyone in the other class, I will kill you. And you know this is true because I have a homicidal history at Columbia."
-Peter Christensen
"I can't wait for marijuana to be legal... Yea!... Go to Wal-Mart... 'Getting a Christmas tree. sir?' 'Nope! Marijuana!'"
-Brad Fry
Peter Christensen: Joseph and the Technicolor Dreamcoat. We can imagine Joseph looks like Donnie Osmond.
(I laugh hardcore)
Me: Oh, Mormons.
(Impersonating the Israelites following Moses in the desert)
"Moses, you son of a bitch, I'm thirsty. I want to go home!"
-Peter Christensen
"No rich girl sits around saying, 'When I grow up I want to be a hooker.'"
- James Kollenbroich
"When I assign Exodus, I'm a pig in shit when we get to the plagues because I know I can skip them because they are so LONG."
-Peter Christensen
(Discussing the birth control method practiced by Catholics known as the Rhythm Method, which if you are unfamiliar with it is the idea that if you have sex on certain days of the month, the woman cannot get pregnant)
"You know what they call couples who practice the rhythm method? Parents."
- James Kollenbroich
(In a note passes in class)
"Horrace Grant was the Pistons slave. He was their WORK HORSE... Ba Dum Tssh!"
-Brad Bukauskas
Nancy Beckett: My friend just took a trip to Hiroshima.
Christian Gridelli: Hope she had her biohazard suit! Pfff!
"Let's say I strangle you in front of all these people. What happens to me? Would I ride the lightening? Get the chair?"
-Peter Christensen
Kid in Bible Class: I have to leave early today.
Peter Christensen: WHAT?!?!
Peter Christensen: Judith says, 'You can't always get what you want.."
Me: But if you try sometimes, you just might find... you get what you NEED!
"Whereas most people look quite different after getting only two hours of sleep, this man looks exactly the same, if that helps you get a visual."
-Peter Christensen
"I'm going to manage every aspect of my production, instead of popcorn, I'm going to serve SCORPIONS!"
-Sam Rodriguez
(Talking about selling said scorpions)
"You want butter on those scorpions... You sure? It's just gunna piss them off."
-Sammy Rodriguez
"I hate Bible paper more than anything. Oh, come on page, TURN! Or I will maim you!"
-Peter Christensen
(Talking about contraceptives)
"And there's always just pulling out, which doesn't work."
- James Kollenbroich
"They are circumcised with flint knives. Oh, Jesus!"
-Peter Christensen
"Judges- we are reading the story of retards."
-Peter Christensen
Peter Christensen: Ever had a good day?
Class: Yes.
Peter Christensen: Really? I'm still waiting... I'm getting impatient.
(Talking to a girl in class)
"You didn't just look dumb, you are!"
-Peter Christensen
"Unfortunately, his army consists of 22 men because the country looks at him like he's crazy, cause he is."
- James Kollenbroich
"Samson is a dolt. He's so stupid I think there is a minus sign in front of his IQ."
-Peter Christensen
"It was so cold today that I couldn't even do the crossword puzzle in the Red Eye because my pen was frozen. I was very upset."
-Peter Christensen
"Burnside, the man who sideburns are named after, is the most incompetent general, our class could take him in battle."
- James Kollenbroich
"It sounds like Japheth was as exclusive as a mailbox."
-Peter Christensen
"She gets him stoned... and not the happy kind."
-Peter Christensen
(Talking about the seceding south)
"Why would you want to bring Florida back in the Union... Disney World? Lincoln has the same problem with no Disney."
- James Kollenbroich
Peter Christensen: Where is everyone? Where are all the good students?
(Joe turns to me)
Joe: Let's kick his ass.
"Let us examine some of the weirdatude of this tale."
-Peter Christensen
"If you marry someone by pointing a gun at their head, when you put that gun down, they run. Unless you are undeniably charming."
- James Kollenbroich
"Job is the book in the Bible that tells us 'Shit happens and there is no reason why and God won't tell us either.'"
-Peter Christensen
"The word 'hooker' comes from Joseph Hooker because he liked to party... A lot."
- James Kollenbroich
"Words come to make sense of everything. Tears come when emotions and everything are so jumbled up you can't make sense of them."
-Peter Christensen
"I've known some bastardly sons of bitches."
-Peter Christensen
"God says, 'Job bad things happen to good people all the time' and Job says to God, 'FUCK YOU!'"
-Peter Christensen
Hope you enjoyed that. And look forward to the end of next semester, where more silly quotes shall find their way here!