The Rant
Me being the completely self-absorbed person that I am, I have decided that I am going to post all of the material that I come up with for my 'Writing Comedy' class. It is a writing intensive class where we learn all of the fundamentals to the different types of comedic writing (i.e. sketch comedy, memoirs, dark humor writing...) and then turn in our product. This assignment was to write a rant about something that pisses you off. So, I apoligize if you are Catholic or a douche-nozzle sidewalk horder and are easily offended. But I obviously don't really give a shit or else I wouldn't of posted this... Here it is:
THE RANT
The first snow has come, and along with it every arrogant and self-righteous bastard that walks Mother Earth. Besides the fact that the snow makes every curb a swimming pool for bacteria infested road slush, it also limits our sidewalks to one tenth of their normal size, allowing the world to see who the true douche-nozzles of this planet are. Where the hell do these people get off? I'm walking on the same fucking sidewalk as you asshole, and it is limited to me too! I have the common decency to turn my body as I walk by on the foot of actual sidewalk that is left, but you can't even do that. You are too absorbed in how important and businessy your stupid phone call is, or you just simply believe that you have the right to the entire sidewalk, because obviously you are more important than me. You prick. Now I have to walk on more slush so you can save your precious Gucci shoes you paid more than my month’s rent to get. I hope you mistake a cliff for a bridge. I really don’t know where people get this mindset. Probably from being Catholic, cause you know, they are the only bastards going to heaven anyways. Just ask them. Fuck Catholicism. You're going to tell me that a normal man, the cardinal, can suddenly become infallible once he is elected by OTHER HUMANS. F that s in the a and c all over it’s chin. The Pope is the biggest crock of shit I have ever heard. And I'm not saying that I am some holy roller or that the denomination I belong to, when I actually go, is better than all the others. I am just saying, that when I leave church, I like to feel better about life and not like some android that just spit out some words that I’ve been saying my entire life. "Our father who art in heaven hallow be thy name, thy kingdom come…" Fuck! You’ve been brainwashed into saying the same shit every week! How many people actually stop to think about the words they are saying? I mean, the majority are sitting their praying to God that a college football team will win later that afternoon, or that they want the weather to stop being so balls cold or daydreaming about that chili dog they will have for lunch. They are not in church; they are in la la world. Just like those fucks on the sidewalk. Taking up 93% of an already smaller sidewalk. Hey buddy, watch out for those buses, they hit people all the time. Maybe one will hit you and the world will be a little better off.
Now, if you are actually reading this, give me some feedback if you want. What do you think? Do you hate it? Do you love it? Funny? Offensive? Stupid as shit? Carrot Top is funnier?
Thanks, and I love you all.
THE RANT
The first snow has come, and along with it every arrogant and self-righteous bastard that walks Mother Earth. Besides the fact that the snow makes every curb a swimming pool for bacteria infested road slush, it also limits our sidewalks to one tenth of their normal size, allowing the world to see who the true douche-nozzles of this planet are. Where the hell do these people get off? I'm walking on the same fucking sidewalk as you asshole, and it is limited to me too! I have the common decency to turn my body as I walk by on the foot of actual sidewalk that is left, but you can't even do that. You are too absorbed in how important and businessy your stupid phone call is, or you just simply believe that you have the right to the entire sidewalk, because obviously you are more important than me. You prick. Now I have to walk on more slush so you can save your precious Gucci shoes you paid more than my month’s rent to get. I hope you mistake a cliff for a bridge. I really don’t know where people get this mindset. Probably from being Catholic, cause you know, they are the only bastards going to heaven anyways. Just ask them. Fuck Catholicism. You're going to tell me that a normal man, the cardinal, can suddenly become infallible once he is elected by OTHER HUMANS. F that s in the a and c all over it’s chin. The Pope is the biggest crock of shit I have ever heard. And I'm not saying that I am some holy roller or that the denomination I belong to, when I actually go, is better than all the others. I am just saying, that when I leave church, I like to feel better about life and not like some android that just spit out some words that I’ve been saying my entire life. "Our father who art in heaven hallow be thy name, thy kingdom come…" Fuck! You’ve been brainwashed into saying the same shit every week! How many people actually stop to think about the words they are saying? I mean, the majority are sitting their praying to God that a college football team will win later that afternoon, or that they want the weather to stop being so balls cold or daydreaming about that chili dog they will have for lunch. They are not in church; they are in la la world. Just like those fucks on the sidewalk. Taking up 93% of an already smaller sidewalk. Hey buddy, watch out for those buses, they hit people all the time. Maybe one will hit you and the world will be a little better off.
Now, if you are actually reading this, give me some feedback if you want. What do you think? Do you hate it? Do you love it? Funny? Offensive? Stupid as shit? Carrot Top is funnier?
Thanks, and I love you all.