Too many emotions, is this second puberty?
Right now I feel like I could cry for days on end. I haven't felt this full of hurt in a long time.
Quit Taking it Personally (QTip) is the phrase I learned during my "Managing Emotions Under Pressure" training. It was painful enough that I'd been asked to go to this training by my supervisor, and that shame and humiliation kept me shaking things off with a bit more ease since then. In fact, I don't remember the last time I felt out of control with my emotions.
Until today. The background is that one day at work I was asked to step in and lead a group that was stopping by on a field trip from a more wealthy and white area of CA. We don't really do tours or fieldtrips because there isn't much to our work besides workshops so I did a few pieces about Positive Sexuality workshop. After that, I got a call from the organizer saying that she had been getting calls from parents about MY presentation. When I talked to her I apologized and said that we cover the same information with other audiences of the same age (14 is their age btw). But I told her to direct concerned parents to me, because I have no problem addressing our philosophies and teaching style.
Apparently the conversation wasn't as smooth as i thought because when I went to work today, my Supervisor came in and asked me about the situation. Apparently she had gotten an angry email calling me unprofessional and quoting all of the "Inappropriate" information that had been covered. Of course, out of context it's all going to sound bad, because we're talking about SEX and SEXUALITY. For some reason, this instance set off a chain reaction of fear, defensiveness, and shame. I couldn't stop crying after I had read the message. I was scared about the repercussions, because at best this made me look like a bad trainer, at worst it made me look like a sex offender. . . Maybe I'm just paranoid but youth sexuality is one of the quickest ways to get the world to hate you and deafen their ears to your explanations. I felt this this morning.
What if my job didn't back me up? What if I really fucked up? How often am I in a classroom with youth potentially corrupting and traumatizing them when I had meant to empower them to look at their health differently? What if I am all alone in this?
My boss checked in and was on my side, but still mentioned that maybe I should check in more with the audience (rule #1 of facilitating and something I thought I was good at) and maybe we do need to change the workshop for different youth.
I think that there needs to be a consistency of message and of tactic. Of course people's relationship to sex and sexuality will be different depending on their interaction with power and privilege, but we do not need to protect the privileged sheltered students of the world from reality, we need to explain it before they get out into the world and start labeling everyone that falls outside of their boxes perverts and freaks. I believe that if they hear from the start about sex in a positive way, they will be less likely to suffer guilt and shame if they experience "unnatural" desires (whatever their culture, family, religion considers to be unnatural."
But I'm just one person, and I don't want to step on the toes of parents- and of course I leave room for the question of if I am wrong. And I think that this is the shame, fear, and sadness in my current situation. Because, if I'm wrong, I may have done these youth harm. If it's as serious as she's making it out to be, maybe I did Positive Sexuality a disservice.
At this point there's no way to know. From the few people I've talked to about it with, they tend to waffle between the sides. Maybe we should be more careful about what we talk about. . . but YOU did nothing wrong. . . we all make mistakes. . . just because someone says it doesn't make it true. . .
I haven't felt this unsure of myself in a long time. I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll make the same mistake and it will cost me my reputation as a health educator. I'm scared that I will lose respect in the eyes of my co-workers and community, I'm afraid that I will scare youth away from the healthy sexuality that I'm trying to bring them closer to.
It's just too much. There really is no one that can help me with this one. So, I'm offering this to the universe:
I'm sorry if I caused any harm to the young people that I've had the privilege to work with. I believe in Positive Sexuality and Youth Development but perhaps have put my own ideals into it when I shouldn't have. I will try to pay more attention, to the signs around me, and hope to find some answers and some peace.
Quit Taking it Personally (QTip) is the phrase I learned during my "Managing Emotions Under Pressure" training. It was painful enough that I'd been asked to go to this training by my supervisor, and that shame and humiliation kept me shaking things off with a bit more ease since then. In fact, I don't remember the last time I felt out of control with my emotions.
Until today. The background is that one day at work I was asked to step in and lead a group that was stopping by on a field trip from a more wealthy and white area of CA. We don't really do tours or fieldtrips because there isn't much to our work besides workshops so I did a few pieces about Positive Sexuality workshop. After that, I got a call from the organizer saying that she had been getting calls from parents about MY presentation. When I talked to her I apologized and said that we cover the same information with other audiences of the same age (14 is their age btw). But I told her to direct concerned parents to me, because I have no problem addressing our philosophies and teaching style.
Apparently the conversation wasn't as smooth as i thought because when I went to work today, my Supervisor came in and asked me about the situation. Apparently she had gotten an angry email calling me unprofessional and quoting all of the "Inappropriate" information that had been covered. Of course, out of context it's all going to sound bad, because we're talking about SEX and SEXUALITY. For some reason, this instance set off a chain reaction of fear, defensiveness, and shame. I couldn't stop crying after I had read the message. I was scared about the repercussions, because at best this made me look like a bad trainer, at worst it made me look like a sex offender. . . Maybe I'm just paranoid but youth sexuality is one of the quickest ways to get the world to hate you and deafen their ears to your explanations. I felt this this morning.
What if my job didn't back me up? What if I really fucked up? How often am I in a classroom with youth potentially corrupting and traumatizing them when I had meant to empower them to look at their health differently? What if I am all alone in this?
My boss checked in and was on my side, but still mentioned that maybe I should check in more with the audience (rule #1 of facilitating and something I thought I was good at) and maybe we do need to change the workshop for different youth.
I think that there needs to be a consistency of message and of tactic. Of course people's relationship to sex and sexuality will be different depending on their interaction with power and privilege, but we do not need to protect the privileged sheltered students of the world from reality, we need to explain it before they get out into the world and start labeling everyone that falls outside of their boxes perverts and freaks. I believe that if they hear from the start about sex in a positive way, they will be less likely to suffer guilt and shame if they experience "unnatural" desires (whatever their culture, family, religion considers to be unnatural."
But I'm just one person, and I don't want to step on the toes of parents- and of course I leave room for the question of if I am wrong. And I think that this is the shame, fear, and sadness in my current situation. Because, if I'm wrong, I may have done these youth harm. If it's as serious as she's making it out to be, maybe I did Positive Sexuality a disservice.
At this point there's no way to know. From the few people I've talked to about it with, they tend to waffle between the sides. Maybe we should be more careful about what we talk about. . . but YOU did nothing wrong. . . we all make mistakes. . . just because someone says it doesn't make it true. . .
I haven't felt this unsure of myself in a long time. I'm scared. I'm scared that I'll make the same mistake and it will cost me my reputation as a health educator. I'm scared that I will lose respect in the eyes of my co-workers and community, I'm afraid that I will scare youth away from the healthy sexuality that I'm trying to bring them closer to.
It's just too much. There really is no one that can help me with this one. So, I'm offering this to the universe:
I'm sorry if I caused any harm to the young people that I've had the privilege to work with. I believe in Positive Sexuality and Youth Development but perhaps have put my own ideals into it when I shouldn't have. I will try to pay more attention, to the signs around me, and hope to find some answers and some peace.