The waiting game...
...is the hardest part.
Lots of soul-searching lately. Lots of tears, lots of fear, lots of "Omfg this is a mistake" moments. But for EVERY SINGLE ONE of those, there has been a push, a shove, or a whisper that says "This is right".
I've hurt a friend pretty badly, I know I did. She's afraid of being abandoned, and I just had to tell her that I would be barely reachable for the next two years. Our friendship took the hit pretty hard- she's barely talking to me. What sucks about that, is that I "see" her online every night, and it's a little knife poking at a very sore spot when she ignores me. I'm trying to give her time, let her adjust, but it's really rough.
I've also had to face facts and realize that I'm going to have to cancel basically every fun thing for the duration of school. LARP, WoW, expanded cable, trips to the Zoo every couple of weeks, trips to IA City, eating out, all of it are basically done. That was a major, major blow. It sounds dumb, but those little things are and have been my "get-by"s for the last few years- if things get too stressful, I could do one of the above to escape it all and just be... I dunno, "gone", even if only for a few hours. I won't be able to work during school- the schedule is omgdemanding (~50-60 hrs a week, including homework time and kennel care time) so we'll be on just Nich's income. He makes good money, but we've never had to go just off his before. It's taking some MAJOR adjustments. The realization of all this hit all at once, I've been recovering for the past few days emotionally. I broke down pretty bad, sobbing every 10 minutes for 2 days before exploding in tears and hysteria. It was awful, I hate those moments of extreme weakness- every wall down and every vulnerability overwhelming me.
I'm a little scared of Easter- people are so successful and I'm...well...not. I'm behind everyone on that whole "what are you doing with your life" thing, it's tough to interact socially. Right now the most social interaction I've had has been online, and while that's been great, it's no substitute for real, live, face-to-face time. And I'm pretty sure me talking about the "OMGWTF" storyline my Draenei is going through doesn't make for "thrilling" conversation and gets kind of stale pretty quickly. Distances like that are hard for me- I'm not the best socializer anyway, but in the past I at least could talk about work like everyone else, or game with Leigh and Josh at the least. I don't have that anymore either and it's embarrassing to me. I know I'll love being around them and hearing them and stuff, but it's hard.
Bleh, this is always the place I put the bad stuff. *lol* It's so funny, cause the good stuff is gushed over irl every second, but the bad stuff is hidden away- either until I explode in a mess of tears and fear and imagined inadequacy or whatever, or here on LJ. I swear, I'm not this down. =P
I guess happy news, to end things. I'm trying to get a job-shadowing going with my vet. It'll give me a chance to really watch what a tech does all day, maybe even get a teensy bit of hands-on experience before school. I'm so excited about school, *laughs* I'm even signing up to get online publications from the AVMA and stuff- everything I can get as a student for free. =P I KNOW I can do this- the sacrifices are so incredibly hard to fathom but it's got to be worth it. Dreams HAVE to come true sometimes, they have to.
OH! Edit! Surgery update type thing: Down approx ~125 lbs (at ~219 lbs), down to a size 18 pants (from a size 28!) and an x-large (from xxxl) shirt. Finally able to look in a mirror and SMILE!!!! Also, went to MN Zoo and did the whole thing without having to sit down from pain! It felt AMAZING. A hill that used to -wipe- me was tackled both directions (have to go over it to get to an area, then go over it again to leave area) and I didn't even realize it was the place that used to give me trouble until Nich looked at me funny and said "Honey, do you need to sit down? We just went over that hill..." And I looked back, realized where we were, and started dancing. *laughs*
Lots of soul-searching lately. Lots of tears, lots of fear, lots of "Omfg this is a mistake" moments. But for EVERY SINGLE ONE of those, there has been a push, a shove, or a whisper that says "This is right".
I've hurt a friend pretty badly, I know I did. She's afraid of being abandoned, and I just had to tell her that I would be barely reachable for the next two years. Our friendship took the hit pretty hard- she's barely talking to me. What sucks about that, is that I "see" her online every night, and it's a little knife poking at a very sore spot when she ignores me. I'm trying to give her time, let her adjust, but it's really rough.
I've also had to face facts and realize that I'm going to have to cancel basically every fun thing for the duration of school. LARP, WoW, expanded cable, trips to the Zoo every couple of weeks, trips to IA City, eating out, all of it are basically done. That was a major, major blow. It sounds dumb, but those little things are and have been my "get-by"s for the last few years- if things get too stressful, I could do one of the above to escape it all and just be... I dunno, "gone", even if only for a few hours. I won't be able to work during school- the schedule is omgdemanding (~50-60 hrs a week, including homework time and kennel care time) so we'll be on just Nich's income. He makes good money, but we've never had to go just off his before. It's taking some MAJOR adjustments. The realization of all this hit all at once, I've been recovering for the past few days emotionally. I broke down pretty bad, sobbing every 10 minutes for 2 days before exploding in tears and hysteria. It was awful, I hate those moments of extreme weakness- every wall down and every vulnerability overwhelming me.
I'm a little scared of Easter- people are so successful and I'm...well...not. I'm behind everyone on that whole "what are you doing with your life" thing, it's tough to interact socially. Right now the most social interaction I've had has been online, and while that's been great, it's no substitute for real, live, face-to-face time. And I'm pretty sure me talking about the "OMGWTF" storyline my Draenei is going through doesn't make for "thrilling" conversation and gets kind of stale pretty quickly. Distances like that are hard for me- I'm not the best socializer anyway, but in the past I at least could talk about work like everyone else, or game with Leigh and Josh at the least. I don't have that anymore either and it's embarrassing to me. I know I'll love being around them and hearing them and stuff, but it's hard.
Bleh, this is always the place I put the bad stuff. *lol* It's so funny, cause the good stuff is gushed over irl every second, but the bad stuff is hidden away- either until I explode in a mess of tears and fear and imagined inadequacy or whatever, or here on LJ. I swear, I'm not this down. =P
I guess happy news, to end things. I'm trying to get a job-shadowing going with my vet. It'll give me a chance to really watch what a tech does all day, maybe even get a teensy bit of hands-on experience before school. I'm so excited about school, *laughs* I'm even signing up to get online publications from the AVMA and stuff- everything I can get as a student for free. =P I KNOW I can do this- the sacrifices are so incredibly hard to fathom but it's got to be worth it. Dreams HAVE to come true sometimes, they have to.
OH! Edit! Surgery update type thing: Down approx ~125 lbs (at ~219 lbs), down to a size 18 pants (from a size 28!) and an x-large (from xxxl) shirt. Finally able to look in a mirror and SMILE!!!! Also, went to MN Zoo and did the whole thing without having to sit down from pain! It felt AMAZING. A hill that used to -wipe- me was tackled both directions (have to go over it to get to an area, then go over it again to leave area) and I didn't even realize it was the place that used to give me trouble until Nich looked at me funny and said "Honey, do you need to sit down? We just went over that hill..." And I looked back, realized where we were, and started dancing. *laughs*