BAM! I finished Eclipse.
I finished Eclipse and the end was as lame as the rest of the book. So, Bella/Meyer and Edward go up to a mountain after putting Beyer's scent (Mella?) everywhere and waited out the night while it snowed. Jacob was there and he stayed outside the cave/tent/whatever while Bella was freezing to death and Edward was being emo/a total dick. Edward can't warm Bella up and so he tells Jacob to get a space heater or something, so Jacob graciously comes in and slips into Bella's sleeping bag with her to be her own space heater while Bella and Edward pitch outright fits. Bella can't keep her eyes open, so she finally sort of drifts off, meanwhile she can hear Jacob and Edward talk and it's all coherent to her while she's "drifted off". Jacob and Edward have a nice chat and then morning comes, Jacob's finally able to get a little sleep and Bella's sweating like the whore she is, so Edward unzips the sleeping bag and dumps Jacob onto the freezing ground. Jacob yelps and is forced back onto Bella thanks to this dickish move and Edward throws Jacob across the tent and blames him for nearly crushing Jacob. Really? You're really going to pull that shit out of your ass when you are the one who dumped Jacob out in the first place? Really??
Anyway, so Bella finally grows a pair and tells them to stop and take it outside, they do and Jacob leaves the tent. Edward and Mella spend several pages--almost the entire chapter--talking about their ten best nights. This list includes the night coming back from Italy and the night after Italy for Bella. Edward, meanwhile, says the night he proposed to Mella is on his list of ten best nights and Mella sort of agrees to that, though she, once again, harps on marriage as per usual. Then, out of fucking no where, Jacob howls and bounds off and Edward admits he knew Jacob was out there and was being a dick to Jacob by bringing that little tidbit up just to spite him. How is this guy the perfect boyfriend again? Bella freaks out and Edward volunteers to go off looking for Jacob, meanwhile Bella totally flips out and starts screaming in her head "OMG I REALLY AM CATHY FROM WUTHERING HEIGHTS! I AM A SELFISH, MANIPULATIVE PERSON! I AM HIDEOUS! I DON'T DESERVE THESE GUYS!!"
I'm not joking either.
So Edward brings Jacob back and then leaves again to give them some privacy and Jacob says he's going to go let himself die in battle so Bella doesn't have to choose between them. That is, unless she asks him to kiss him and she does and he kisses her and she gives back just as much as he gives and then he goes off into the woods again and she's going "OMG I LOVE HIM. HOW CAN I LOVE EDWARD WHEN I LOVE JACOB TOO?? I DON'T DESERVE THEM!!"
And then Edward comes back and she's all "EDWARD, OMG, PLEASE TELL ME I'M A HIDEOUS PERSON! PLEASE TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU HATE ME!"
And Edward's all "Of course not, child, why should I ever hate you?"
And Bella's all "I DON'T DESERVE YOU! YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR ME!!"
So Edward sticks with Bella and another, younger wolf named Seth is sticking around them to keep in touch with the pack. Then, dun dun dun, Victoria shows up and she has a new lackey with her. Seth takes the Lackey and Victoria goes after Bella, but is intercepted by Edward. Bella then describes Vicky's voice as being like a child's in tone. Oh, ho, but we don't get to see anything other than this, so it stretches out for the entire chapter of nothing but Bella describing at length every single thing going on and somehow managing to make ACTION sound fucking BORING. Meyer has the most ridiculous ability to make action not action anymore. I have not seen anything like it outside of fanfiction.
Edward and Seth kill and burn Victoria and the lackey then Edward and Seth fucking freak out to something in the pack hivemind. This is what will suffice as suspense for now. Bella's totally not in the know and we're left wondering what the fuck caused Edward and Seth to totally freak the fuck out until he finally says that Jacob got hurt protecting the werewolf Leah. Then, Bella faints.
She comes to and there's a vampire from Victoria's army (I fucking called it, but then a kid could make that call.) and this vampire's name is Bree and she surrendered to the Cullens if they would not kill her. The Volturi show up and Jane, that creepy little girl, tortures the fuck out of Bree to get information from her and then tortures her some more just because. The Cullens tell Jane that they're quite willing to take in Bree and make her a Cullen and take care of her and teach her the rules, which she doesn't know thanks to Victoria, and Jane's all "Fuck you, I want to kill something so there." Then, she orders another Volturi to kill Bree and we're treated to her screams until she's tossed onto the insence bonfire of vampire body parts. (And that actually made me sad because the girl had no idea what was going on or what rules she broke, so really it's like slaughtering an animal for not knowing that it wasn't supposed to have bitten you in the first place. R.I.P. Bree. Under a better writer you might've come to be something. Probably doesn't help that I actually knew a girl in elementary school named Bree.)
So Jacob's side has been crushed and his bones are broken and he's in shit shape. He's taken home and turns back to his human self just before getting to his house and Dr. Cullen takes care of him while Charlie is told that Jacob got in a motorcycle accident. Charlie goes home and Bella says she heard about it and Charlie's all "He's irresponsible and immature with your safety!" and "Between him cursing someone's mother and taking the Lord's name in vain, I don't know where he picked up such a vocabulary. I hope he doesn't use that around you, Bella!" I died inside. Charlie! You're a fucking COP. My grandpa was a firerfighter and a marine and he only really cares about language when it's around CHILDREN. I'm sure anything Jacob comes up with isn't going to surprise or shock her fucking delicate sensibilities and besides that JACOB'S SIDE WAS FUCKING CRUSHED. WHAT PART OF THIS IS NOT GOING TO MAKE HIM TELL SOMEONE TO GO FUCK THEIR MOM UP HER ASS?!
Anyway, so, Bella goes over to Jacob's house and tells him that she's going with Edward and she's sorry for hurting him and crushing his little heart. He tells her he tricked her into kissing him, but she doesn't care anyway because she's OMG A HIDEOUS PERSON. And Bella and Jacob have the STRANGEST conversation ever. I'm not even joking. She tells him that in another life they would be soul mates if only there were no vampires and werewolves and she saw their life together with children and she says she wants that so much, like she needs air, but Edward is far more compelling than soul mates. Jacob says Edward is a drug for her and that Jacob is like the sun and air for her, Jacob is much healthier for her stability. And they profess they love each other, but Bella says that that isn't enough and she loves Edward MORE. So she leaves and goes home and she spends her time in the SPARKLY MEADOW with Edward and both have the most ridiculous moment I've seen yet.
Ready?
They do a total 180 and take on the complete opposite of what they have been spouting throughout the entire series. Bella suddenly becomes the most reasonable person on marriage and weddings and Edward suddenly starts saying "WE CAN'T DO THIS! IT HAS TO BE DONE YOUR WAY! MY WAY IS WRONG NOW!!"
And then the Epilogue...
Meyer should've done this from the fucking start. I know Animorphs used to have books that featured all the kids and the chapters would switch between their perspectives. I can handle that! Why Meyer never did that is beyond me! We could have easily had lots of development from the points of view of the other characters and seen actual ACTION taking place rather than every single moment staying with Bella. Then again, Meyer's incompetent enough that she would even fuck that up.
So the Epilogue is just Jacob getting pissed off at Leah, who is fast becoming another favorite of mine because she's a total bitch toward Bella and tells Jacob to hurry up and get over her, getting pissed off at Edward for sending him a wedding invitation--which should have been sent by Bella--and then running off into the woods as a wolf. The End.
I'm now starting Breaking Fail. Wish me luck on my sanity.
Anyway, so Bella finally grows a pair and tells them to stop and take it outside, they do and Jacob leaves the tent. Edward and Mella spend several pages--almost the entire chapter--talking about their ten best nights. This list includes the night coming back from Italy and the night after Italy for Bella. Edward, meanwhile, says the night he proposed to Mella is on his list of ten best nights and Mella sort of agrees to that, though she, once again, harps on marriage as per usual. Then, out of fucking no where, Jacob howls and bounds off and Edward admits he knew Jacob was out there and was being a dick to Jacob by bringing that little tidbit up just to spite him. How is this guy the perfect boyfriend again? Bella freaks out and Edward volunteers to go off looking for Jacob, meanwhile Bella totally flips out and starts screaming in her head "OMG I REALLY AM CATHY FROM WUTHERING HEIGHTS! I AM A SELFISH, MANIPULATIVE PERSON! I AM HIDEOUS! I DON'T DESERVE THESE GUYS!!"
I'm not joking either.
So Edward brings Jacob back and then leaves again to give them some privacy and Jacob says he's going to go let himself die in battle so Bella doesn't have to choose between them. That is, unless she asks him to kiss him and she does and he kisses her and she gives back just as much as he gives and then he goes off into the woods again and she's going "OMG I LOVE HIM. HOW CAN I LOVE EDWARD WHEN I LOVE JACOB TOO?? I DON'T DESERVE THEM!!"
And then Edward comes back and she's all "EDWARD, OMG, PLEASE TELL ME I'M A HIDEOUS PERSON! PLEASE TELL ME HOW MUCH YOU HATE ME!"
And Edward's all "Of course not, child, why should I ever hate you?"
And Bella's all "I DON'T DESERVE YOU! YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR ME!!"
So Edward sticks with Bella and another, younger wolf named Seth is sticking around them to keep in touch with the pack. Then, dun dun dun, Victoria shows up and she has a new lackey with her. Seth takes the Lackey and Victoria goes after Bella, but is intercepted by Edward. Bella then describes Vicky's voice as being like a child's in tone. Oh, ho, but we don't get to see anything other than this, so it stretches out for the entire chapter of nothing but Bella describing at length every single thing going on and somehow managing to make ACTION sound fucking BORING. Meyer has the most ridiculous ability to make action not action anymore. I have not seen anything like it outside of fanfiction.
Edward and Seth kill and burn Victoria and the lackey then Edward and Seth fucking freak out to something in the pack hivemind. This is what will suffice as suspense for now. Bella's totally not in the know and we're left wondering what the fuck caused Edward and Seth to totally freak the fuck out until he finally says that Jacob got hurt protecting the werewolf Leah. Then, Bella faints.
She comes to and there's a vampire from Victoria's army (I fucking called it, but then a kid could make that call.) and this vampire's name is Bree and she surrendered to the Cullens if they would not kill her. The Volturi show up and Jane, that creepy little girl, tortures the fuck out of Bree to get information from her and then tortures her some more just because. The Cullens tell Jane that they're quite willing to take in Bree and make her a Cullen and take care of her and teach her the rules, which she doesn't know thanks to Victoria, and Jane's all "Fuck you, I want to kill something so there." Then, she orders another Volturi to kill Bree and we're treated to her screams until she's tossed onto the insence bonfire of vampire body parts. (And that actually made me sad because the girl had no idea what was going on or what rules she broke, so really it's like slaughtering an animal for not knowing that it wasn't supposed to have bitten you in the first place. R.I.P. Bree. Under a better writer you might've come to be something. Probably doesn't help that I actually knew a girl in elementary school named Bree.)
So Jacob's side has been crushed and his bones are broken and he's in shit shape. He's taken home and turns back to his human self just before getting to his house and Dr. Cullen takes care of him while Charlie is told that Jacob got in a motorcycle accident. Charlie goes home and Bella says she heard about it and Charlie's all "He's irresponsible and immature with your safety!" and "Between him cursing someone's mother and taking the Lord's name in vain, I don't know where he picked up such a vocabulary. I hope he doesn't use that around you, Bella!" I died inside. Charlie! You're a fucking COP. My grandpa was a firerfighter and a marine and he only really cares about language when it's around CHILDREN. I'm sure anything Jacob comes up with isn't going to surprise or shock her fucking delicate sensibilities and besides that JACOB'S SIDE WAS FUCKING CRUSHED. WHAT PART OF THIS IS NOT GOING TO MAKE HIM TELL SOMEONE TO GO FUCK THEIR MOM UP HER ASS?!
Anyway, so, Bella goes over to Jacob's house and tells him that she's going with Edward and she's sorry for hurting him and crushing his little heart. He tells her he tricked her into kissing him, but she doesn't care anyway because she's OMG A HIDEOUS PERSON. And Bella and Jacob have the STRANGEST conversation ever. I'm not even joking. She tells him that in another life they would be soul mates if only there were no vampires and werewolves and she saw their life together with children and she says she wants that so much, like she needs air, but Edward is far more compelling than soul mates. Jacob says Edward is a drug for her and that Jacob is like the sun and air for her, Jacob is much healthier for her stability. And they profess they love each other, but Bella says that that isn't enough and she loves Edward MORE. So she leaves and goes home and she spends her time in the SPARKLY MEADOW with Edward and both have the most ridiculous moment I've seen yet.
Ready?
They do a total 180 and take on the complete opposite of what they have been spouting throughout the entire series. Bella suddenly becomes the most reasonable person on marriage and weddings and Edward suddenly starts saying "WE CAN'T DO THIS! IT HAS TO BE DONE YOUR WAY! MY WAY IS WRONG NOW!!"
And then the Epilogue...
Meyer should've done this from the fucking start. I know Animorphs used to have books that featured all the kids and the chapters would switch between their perspectives. I can handle that! Why Meyer never did that is beyond me! We could have easily had lots of development from the points of view of the other characters and seen actual ACTION taking place rather than every single moment staying with Bella. Then again, Meyer's incompetent enough that she would even fuck that up.
So the Epilogue is just Jacob getting pissed off at Leah, who is fast becoming another favorite of mine because she's a total bitch toward Bella and tells Jacob to hurry up and get over her, getting pissed off at Edward for sending him a wedding invitation--which should have been sent by Bella--and then running off into the woods as a wolf. The End.
I'm now starting Breaking Fail. Wish me luck on my sanity.