Some only scream to avoid suffering in silence.
I wrote today. It wasn't much, but it was more like me. It wasn't so forced. I'm getting back into my groove. I'm so thankful. I'm so thankful. Sometimes I get scared, like I've already written everything I could write. And I've run out of ideas. And I don't really have talent. But actually, thoughts like that are coming less and less frequently. I'm not sure what it is. Maybe it's the encouragment I've been getting from him. Maybe it's the the notes I've been writing myself, reminding myself not to forget. Maybe it's the physical activity. Maybe it's the new environment, the new people. Maybe it's God. Maybe it's all of that. Maybe it's none. But whatever it is, it's working. I can look into the mirror and not automatically think derogatory thoughts. I can read stuff I've written and not think it's worthless and I have no talent. I can mess up and not have a nervous breakdown. Which I know may sound stupid to you. But it's a big thing for me. When you've had deceitful demons perched on your shoulder whispering "fat, ugly, useless, worthless, talentless, tainted, whore, hopeless, lost cause, unwanted, unloved" into your ears, you believe it. You don't want to, but it's all you've ever known. I'm still nowhere close to where I need to be yet, but by grace I am breaking these chains. I am Beautiful. I shouldn't have to change who I am to fit in. My standards are not of this world anymore.
I'm wanting to close myself off again. I'm trying to push away the urge to put up walls. I hope I can. I hope I can. I'm terrified that Absence makes the heart grow Fungus, not Fonder.
My pride, especailly when it comes to talking about certain things, always seems to get in the way.
On nights like this,
I get down
down
down.
I re-read old messages and blogs. I listen to those songs. You know, those songs you know you're not supposed to listen to. Like, emotional cutting. Because they remind you of a different time. Remind you of a person you once knew. How I wish I knew you again.
I carry your heart
I carry it in my heart
You deserve a better home for it.
I feel so empty, so drained, but like I have so much to give.
I have so much to give this world it makes me ache.