all things ex
i visited a friend in washington heights yesterday; sometimes seeing people you haven't seen in a few years makes you remember all of the things that you have been in your past, that are no longer a part of your life. some things are harder to let go of than others, and some things you realize you never should have let go of in the first place.
so i've been scouring the job market, feeling much like i am kneeling in front of a bucket. feeling much like i am a freaking idiot.
i mean, come on. i should have a lot less trouble finding a job. but i majored in something that has proven to be worthless in general and to me in particular. in fact, i think it is actually hurting me. not only can i not find a job even in that field i have a degree in (the DMS department skimps on a few essential programs, the main program being quark express. it is very expensive to own and learn, and is required for every graphic design job (even entry level) and is not even mentioned in even advanced digital classes) but many places won't hire me because they are afraid i will take my worthless degree and run to greener pastures.
this isn't directly related to petco or the crappy retail jobs i've held between graduation and now, but those experiences have reinforced my dislike of working with the public, as well as made me calloused and pissed.
after my father disowned me and told me i had to fend for myself, i worked really hard to make it on my own. i worked way too much, and did what i had to do, which was pay rent and buy food. i'm just a ball of bitterness at this point, which was in the back of my mind in buffalo, but is inthe front of my mind here, because i am three miles from the very person who opted to cut me out of his life instead of help me. it is evident to this day that i am the black sheep of my family, and it is expected that i will fail and just do okay while every one else in my family does well.
i like to watch the cinderella story if its on HBO after another fruitless day of job hunting. i know it is cheesy as hell, but i love the part where the evil step parent has to clean the floor with a mop. i shouldnt be living the way i am. i am my father's daughter, and i was always good to him. i was always good to my brothers and did everything everyone else asked. then mario sweeps in and his kids (his son in particular) have a quality of life about ten times what i have. they have much nicer clothes, cars worth more than i could make in six years, swanky restaurants and expensive social outings... and here i am, in my one bedroom apartment, with my animals and my boyfriend, with my cheap clothes, workout tapes, and white trash lifestyle. i was punished severely for going to school in buffalo, for having a boyfriend, for having friends and not calling my dad every day. i need to go somewhere, i need to do something, but i have nothing. my net worth is zero. i get so angry every day, i feel so cheated. then i try to get myself out of this. i have no more credit card debt and want to go to graduate school. i want to be something than the black sheep. i want my mom to listen to me instead of telling me all about her dates. i wish my dad would stop punishing me. haven't i been through enough? back to looking for a job.
so i've been scouring the job market, feeling much like i am kneeling in front of a bucket. feeling much like i am a freaking idiot.
i mean, come on. i should have a lot less trouble finding a job. but i majored in something that has proven to be worthless in general and to me in particular. in fact, i think it is actually hurting me. not only can i not find a job even in that field i have a degree in (the DMS department skimps on a few essential programs, the main program being quark express. it is very expensive to own and learn, and is required for every graphic design job (even entry level) and is not even mentioned in even advanced digital classes) but many places won't hire me because they are afraid i will take my worthless degree and run to greener pastures.
this isn't directly related to petco or the crappy retail jobs i've held between graduation and now, but those experiences have reinforced my dislike of working with the public, as well as made me calloused and pissed.
after my father disowned me and told me i had to fend for myself, i worked really hard to make it on my own. i worked way too much, and did what i had to do, which was pay rent and buy food. i'm just a ball of bitterness at this point, which was in the back of my mind in buffalo, but is inthe front of my mind here, because i am three miles from the very person who opted to cut me out of his life instead of help me. it is evident to this day that i am the black sheep of my family, and it is expected that i will fail and just do okay while every one else in my family does well.
i like to watch the cinderella story if its on HBO after another fruitless day of job hunting. i know it is cheesy as hell, but i love the part where the evil step parent has to clean the floor with a mop. i shouldnt be living the way i am. i am my father's daughter, and i was always good to him. i was always good to my brothers and did everything everyone else asked. then mario sweeps in and his kids (his son in particular) have a quality of life about ten times what i have. they have much nicer clothes, cars worth more than i could make in six years, swanky restaurants and expensive social outings... and here i am, in my one bedroom apartment, with my animals and my boyfriend, with my cheap clothes, workout tapes, and white trash lifestyle. i was punished severely for going to school in buffalo, for having a boyfriend, for having friends and not calling my dad every day. i need to go somewhere, i need to do something, but i have nothing. my net worth is zero. i get so angry every day, i feel so cheated. then i try to get myself out of this. i have no more credit card debt and want to go to graduate school. i want to be something than the black sheep. i want my mom to listen to me instead of telling me all about her dates. i wish my dad would stop punishing me. haven't i been through enough? back to looking for a job.