Coward [Drabble]
Title : Coward
Fandom : BIGBANG
Pairing : GTOP
Raiting : PG
Genre : Angst, Romance
Summary : TOP was a coward and hurt Jiyong because of that. But it took the consequences of his actions to tell him that.
I was the one who found him.
He lay on the floor of the dorm. I had been swarmed with a bout of loneliness earlier and couldn’t help myself when I grabbed my coat and rushed over to surprise them with an unannounced visit. Sure I liked the privacy of living alone but I missed the noise synonymous with dorm life from time to time. Being alone was just too quiet. As I walked the streets of Seoul with large sunglasses and a large scarf covering enough of my face to be unrecognisable I couldn’t help but walk with a bounce in my step. The happiness I felt when I visit the other four at the dorm is indescribable. It makes me question why I ever left. But then I remember the awkwardness that permeated the room when Jiyong and I sit together. There are no words to say between us - I’d already said enough harsh words to ruin that possibility.
Jiyong had always been not quite right - I’m not saying he’s insane I’m just saying he’s no happy, far from it. But only I knew that. Not even Taeyang his best friend was aware of his relentless depression or the reason behind it. If Jiyong hadn’t succeeded as an idol then he would have made a excellent actor - I don’t know why I’m considered the actor of the group when he’s put on the greatest show of all for so many years he’s probably forgotten - the show called his life.
Jiyong had never intended for me to find out about the Jiyong hidden deep within the Jiyong known to everyone else. It happened by pure accident. It’s hard not to realise one of your best friends is gay when you stumble in on them jacking off to gay porn. It is pretty self explanatory. And it’s not to hard to draw the conclusion that they didn’t want you to know when then proceed to hyperventilate uncontrollably, eyes wide and tears streaming rapidly down their colourless face. I had my arms round him within seconds while I whispered nonsensical words of comfort into his ear. It was a long time before he finally relaxed into my embrace and a lot longer before he calmed down enough to be considered reasonably composed. I didn’t care he was gay, I wasn’t closed minded, he was Jiyong and nothing changed that. But I did care that the fact that he was gay was something that caused he great misery. It shouldn’t be like that. I tried telling him that but he didn’t listen to a word.
After that incident I slowly learnt of the past traumas of the true Jiyong; A life of rejection, abandonment and abuse due to one factor; his sexual orientation. The tales of emotional blackmail from his father, the words of silence and the cold shoulder from his mother and the disassociation of friends followed by the physical abuse they soon turned to in order to ridicule him. Even though it was years later the memories were still raw shards of glass buried inside him constantly carving away at his soul until he was left with a numb nothingness that enveloped him. I dedicated every day to filling that space with warm smiles, friendship and reassurance. It worked. Soon Jiyong’s smiles were genuine and his breakdowns were becoming far more infrequent.
Then I ruined it all is a few moments.
Jiyong fell in love with me. Jiyong told me. I rejected him. I rejected all of him. I yelled strings of abusive profanities at him and voiced my disgust at his love towards me. I threw whatever I could reach at him. I pushed him around. I did every despicable act possible in that situation. Jiyong just stared face blank and lifeless as it gleamed with the flowing river that cascaded down his face. I moved out after that and we never spoke again. I had done what all the others had done - broken him - but I had broken him beyond repair.
Because I did that the first words that formed in my mind when I found him were ‘This is my fault.’
Then the tears came and nothing was ever the same again.
In that moment I realised something - I was a coward. I’d give anything to reverse time back to the moment he said those three words, ‘I love you.’ I would go back to that moment and instead of tearing him apart from the inside outwards I would have run to him and crushed his lips with mine. With that one kiss I would have communicated my uncontrollable love for him. In that moment I would have fixed him completely. We would have had our happy ending. But I didn’t all because I’m the biggest coward in the entire world. I was scared of being gay, I was scared of what others would think of me and because of that I broke Jiyong. All the comforting words I whispered to him before didn’t apply when it came to me - what a hypocrite.
I love Kwon Jiyong - always have and always will, but that doesn’t matter now. Jiyong’s dead. Jiyong killed himself and it’s entirely my fault.
The tears never stopped flowing.
Fandom : BIGBANG
Pairing : GTOP
Raiting : PG
Genre : Angst, Romance
Summary : TOP was a coward and hurt Jiyong because of that. But it took the consequences of his actions to tell him that.
I was the one who found him.
He lay on the floor of the dorm. I had been swarmed with a bout of loneliness earlier and couldn’t help myself when I grabbed my coat and rushed over to surprise them with an unannounced visit. Sure I liked the privacy of living alone but I missed the noise synonymous with dorm life from time to time. Being alone was just too quiet. As I walked the streets of Seoul with large sunglasses and a large scarf covering enough of my face to be unrecognisable I couldn’t help but walk with a bounce in my step. The happiness I felt when I visit the other four at the dorm is indescribable. It makes me question why I ever left. But then I remember the awkwardness that permeated the room when Jiyong and I sit together. There are no words to say between us - I’d already said enough harsh words to ruin that possibility.
Jiyong had always been not quite right - I’m not saying he’s insane I’m just saying he’s no happy, far from it. But only I knew that. Not even Taeyang his best friend was aware of his relentless depression or the reason behind it. If Jiyong hadn’t succeeded as an idol then he would have made a excellent actor - I don’t know why I’m considered the actor of the group when he’s put on the greatest show of all for so many years he’s probably forgotten - the show called his life.
Jiyong had never intended for me to find out about the Jiyong hidden deep within the Jiyong known to everyone else. It happened by pure accident. It’s hard not to realise one of your best friends is gay when you stumble in on them jacking off to gay porn. It is pretty self explanatory. And it’s not to hard to draw the conclusion that they didn’t want you to know when then proceed to hyperventilate uncontrollably, eyes wide and tears streaming rapidly down their colourless face. I had my arms round him within seconds while I whispered nonsensical words of comfort into his ear. It was a long time before he finally relaxed into my embrace and a lot longer before he calmed down enough to be considered reasonably composed. I didn’t care he was gay, I wasn’t closed minded, he was Jiyong and nothing changed that. But I did care that the fact that he was gay was something that caused he great misery. It shouldn’t be like that. I tried telling him that but he didn’t listen to a word.
After that incident I slowly learnt of the past traumas of the true Jiyong; A life of rejection, abandonment and abuse due to one factor; his sexual orientation. The tales of emotional blackmail from his father, the words of silence and the cold shoulder from his mother and the disassociation of friends followed by the physical abuse they soon turned to in order to ridicule him. Even though it was years later the memories were still raw shards of glass buried inside him constantly carving away at his soul until he was left with a numb nothingness that enveloped him. I dedicated every day to filling that space with warm smiles, friendship and reassurance. It worked. Soon Jiyong’s smiles were genuine and his breakdowns were becoming far more infrequent.
Then I ruined it all is a few moments.
Jiyong fell in love with me. Jiyong told me. I rejected him. I rejected all of him. I yelled strings of abusive profanities at him and voiced my disgust at his love towards me. I threw whatever I could reach at him. I pushed him around. I did every despicable act possible in that situation. Jiyong just stared face blank and lifeless as it gleamed with the flowing river that cascaded down his face. I moved out after that and we never spoke again. I had done what all the others had done - broken him - but I had broken him beyond repair.
Because I did that the first words that formed in my mind when I found him were ‘This is my fault.’
Then the tears came and nothing was ever the same again.
In that moment I realised something - I was a coward. I’d give anything to reverse time back to the moment he said those three words, ‘I love you.’ I would go back to that moment and instead of tearing him apart from the inside outwards I would have run to him and crushed his lips with mine. With that one kiss I would have communicated my uncontrollable love for him. In that moment I would have fixed him completely. We would have had our happy ending. But I didn’t all because I’m the biggest coward in the entire world. I was scared of being gay, I was scared of what others would think of me and because of that I broke Jiyong. All the comforting words I whispered to him before didn’t apply when it came to me - what a hypocrite.
I love Kwon Jiyong - always have and always will, but that doesn’t matter now. Jiyong’s dead. Jiyong killed himself and it’s entirely my fault.
The tears never stopped flowing.