Wife Auditions, Week 1
((Writer's Note: I apologize for the line spacing on this stupid thing. I have no clue what the heck is going on. Sometimes, I put in a carriage return and get two blank lines. So I take it out and the paragraphs wind up squished up against each other. I'm giving up trying to get the darn thing to format properly. You'll have to live with it. Sorry.))
Greetings, good viewers and welcome back to Farmer Wants A Wife!
My name is Lorelei Thornton and it’s time now to meet the hopefuls for this season of our new television show.
After sifting through hundreds of applications (including our former casting director, who simply couldn’t help herself, despite knowing she wasn’t eligible), we have narrowed it down to ten applications to share with you over the next two weeks. First will be their video applications, then a short interview.
First up is a friendly, bubbly little thing who goes by the name of Sariana Starshine. She is definitely in the market to get married and start a family, as evidenced by the fact that this is not the first match-up reality show she has applied for!
Let’s meet Sariana, shall we?
Hello!! I am applying for the show Farmer wants a wife. I'm doing this for a number of reasons. First off, my other show auditions are not going anywhere. Though I KNOW I am destined to be married to Burke Marquette, he needs to realize that he's kept me waiting long enough. I know there are ladies out there more suited for farming life, but I really think I can bring some great flavour to the show! I'm a hard worker. I know how to water plants. I love animals, and I look really really HAWT in denim overalls. Honest!
Thank you for your consideration. I'll be waiting by the phone anxiously. Just let me know where to be and what to do and I'm so there.
Welcome Sariana to our studio!
So, I see you’ve placed a small sticky note on your application: “Copy being sent to the Burke Life show, ATTN Burkie Baby.” Nothing like hedging ones bets, eh?
Well, I wanted Burkie Baby to know that I’m not waiting around any longer.
I see. And if you are destined for “Burkie Baby,” why should we cast you on a show to find Jacob a wife?
Like I said, I’m a hard worker and I can water his plants and I wouldn’t complain at all! I like to work hard so my man doesn’t have to. I like letting them take it easy and I’ll make them breakfast in bed and everything!
Okay, thank you, Sariana. There you have it folks, Sariana Starshine!
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Our next applicant looks like a strong contender! Her name is Keth Wynne and it sounds like she could fit right in on Blossom Pines, despite it appearing she had her arm twisted to submit her application. Let’s meet Ms. Wynne and let you form your own opinions, audience.
What? What are you poking me for? You want me to what? ::sigh:: Very well.
::Keth clears her throat and looks at the camera::
Hi, I'm Keth's sim-self, although most of the time I don't really act like her...
Hey, stop yelling! I'm trying to apply for a position on a TV Show, Miss Smarty Pants.
Anyway.
::Keth straightens up and looks back at the camera::
This is my audition tape and application for a position in the next season of "Farmer Wants A Wife!" While I may not be as active and outgoing as some of the other applicants, I'd like to think that I'm a better suited to the farm life. After all, I've lived it. I grew up in a small farm town and my brother had a large acreage. I know how to garden and mow. I can drive a tractor, muck a stable, detassel corn, walk beans, bait a hook (with worm and minnow), mend a fence, knit spin and crochet, use power tools, use hand tools, ballroom dance, dig a tiger trap, tend minor injuries, make a bonfire, burn baby burn yeah yeah...
Why are you looking at me that way?
What do you mean, they want to know why I want to be -- and should be -- on this show? I just explained why... oh...
Why do I want to be on the show? Because small town farm life is different than life in the big city. It moves at a slower pace. It's less hectic. While it may not be necessarily calmer and less stressful, it's a different kind of stress. I'd like to get away from the soul crushing stress of the city and back to the slightly simpler life of the farm.
Why should I be on the show? Because I'm not as active and outgoing and flashy as some of the other contestants. Variety is what makes shows like this popular and I'd make a nice contrast to some of the other applicants, I'm sure.
:: Keth sits down and folds her hands neatly in her lap, then does the cheesy Sims wave-and-grin at the camera. Afterwards she glowers offscreen::
There, are you happy now? Annoying string puller.
Oh my. I can tell she’ll be an interesting one to watch, if she makes it through our screening process, won’t she! Poor Jacob won’t know what hit him, I think.
Welcome Keth!
Hello Lorelei. It’s a pleasure to be here. Although I must admit, I’m disappointed it’s not winter-time, as I’ve heard the skiing in Riverblossom Hills is unrivaled!
Well, yes. But it would be quite difficult to do a show on a farm in the middle of winter, don’t you think, Keth?
Eh, yes, I suppose so. Well, hopefully I’ll still be around to find out come winter, yes?
We’ll be keeping our fingers crossed for you! Thank you for stopping by. That was Keth Wynne, dear audience.
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Next up, we have Emerald Jones. All her life, Emerald has been about the almighty dollar. Now, she’s ready to turn her attention to something a little more low-key. Roll ‘em folks!
Hi. I’m Emerald Jones. No, not Emmy, not Em, it’s Emerald. Like the gemstone. Gemstones are practically the best things in the world! I just love jewelry, don’t you?
::muttering to herself:: No, that sounds too money grubbing. Remember to edit that part out.
::smiles back up at the camera:: I’ve been fabulously wealthy. Recently, I’ve been depressingly poor. My boss apparently played fast and loose with his books and somehow I got blamed for it all. The IRS took everything, can you believe it!
So, I decided it was time for a change of scenery. I wanted to move out to the country, but of course, after the IRS seized everything, I had no money left to move with. Then I saw your add in Harpers Simzaar and I thought this would be a perfect opportunity for both myself and your poor farmer.
It will let me get out to the country and away from the scandal that refuses to ease up and my financial savvy could help your guy turn his little farm into a booming business.
I look forward to hearing from you soon and I hope to be selected as a participant.
Is she looking for a husband or a business venture? Isn’t this show supposed to be about love? ::Lorelei waves her hand airily:: Let’s meet Emerald and find out. Hello, Emerald!
Hello, Lorelei. Thank you for having me here.
I heard from the folks at the hotel that you’ve brought everything you own already, my dear. Are you that confident?
Of course I am! Besides, I couldn’t remain in my apartment any longer, so I might as well bring everything, right?
I see on your application that you marked “no” under any legal issues. So everything back home is all cleared up?
Justice will prevail and my boss will be convicted of everything he did wrong. I’m just the innocent victim in all this, but it was better to lay low for a little while.
Of course, dear. I’m sure we can all understanding being under the cloud of a scandal. Thank you for stopping by the studio!
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We’ve gone international, folks! Not really. We’re still only aired locally, but we do have a lovely foreign national who has applied to be a potential suitor to our handsome widower. Let’s meet Sakura Kinomoto!
[slight technical difficulty ensues]
I’m sorry, folks. It appears her tape won’t play on our machines here. Why our technical gurus couldn’t have figured this out before we went on the air, I don’t know. But you can go here to view Ms. Kinomoto’s application. Trust me, she’s worth the trip!
http://www.freewebs.com/anjelstar76/interview.htm
What did we tell you? She’s worth the extra time to head over there! I just hope we don’t have to deal with a lawsuit and psychological bills if she’s not chosen. But we have the lovely miss Sakura in our studio for a quick meeting. Welcome, Sakura!
Thank you for having me to your beautiful country, Miss Thornton. It has been a pleasure being with the weather.
So why do you think you would be a good match for our farmer, Jacob?
Oh, I like to take care of growing things and keep the home neat and clean. I could help him around the farm and I am sure all of that work would keep both of us fit. It would be a pleasure to cook and clean for him and I would like to have a large family.
I believe Jacob mentioned previously that he too would like to have a number of children. Do you think you could handle such a large household?
Oh, yes. I can keep many children safe. I helped raise my younger siblings back home. But I would like to have the freedom to choose with my husband how we raise our children.
Thank you, Sakura. And good luck in the competition!
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Now let’s introduce you to Nichole Savoy. Nichole, or as she prefers to be called, Nicky, hails from the town of Serendaire. Nicky is interested in experiencing all the pleasures of life and seems to be a friendly and outgoing girl. Not much is known of Serendaire except that it’s surrounded by mountains, with a shallow cove letting out onto the ocean.
::looks down at her notes, flips them over, then looks off camera::
That’s all we have here? ::pauses for a moment, then shrugs and looks back to the audience:: Well, let’s meet Nicky, shall we?
Argh! That’s what you’re passing through casting? What? Oh, oh, um, yes, hello, right we’re still taping. So, let’s hear what Nicky has to say for herself, yes?
::shudders slightly before the camera fades to the clip::
Hi there! I’m Nicky Savoy and I just know your boy is gonna love me! I’m fun loving, always up for anything new, and I love to experience everything this great world has to offer. I know not many folks leave Serendaire. They say it’s like a little slice o’ heaven on earth. But honestly, there ain’t many folks there and, well, I really didn’t fancy having to marry one of my cousins, you know. If you ask me, there’s been far too much family marrying their own there. You should see how ugly my brothers are! Fortunately, I got lucky and momma and her husband’s uncle’s genetics mixed well when they stirred up my soup!
So anyway, I ain’t afraid of hard work and I’ll keep your sad farmer laughing for the rest of his sweet life. I’m even a good sport when I lose at games and whatnot! I bet he doesn’t know how to play Myshino or anything, working all day on his farm like he does. He needs a little fun in his life.
Well, yes. So there we have Nichole Savoy. Oh, she’s here for her live interview too? How … special. Welcome Nicky!
So, Nicky, do you really think you should be on television?
Why not?
Um, well... ::Lorelei pauses, obviously thinking quickly:: ... well, you’re from a small provincial town and you wouldn’t want to embarrass your family back there.
I don’t know why you think I’d embarrass anyone. I don’t cuss, I don’t run around, I’m a good girl, fun loving. And I just adore plants! If a plant could be a person, why I’d marry him in a heartbeat! A plant-person who could cook would just be my dream guy. But since plants can’t be people, a farmer who could cook would be the next best thing, I think.
Yes. Well. Thank you for stopping by, Nicky. And good luck.
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So next up is Kristen Steeletto, known to many as Kiki.
::looks off camera again:: THE Kiki? The banana Kiki? Wow. Good luck Kiki and I think good luck to her competition there!
::continues glancing over her notes:: What’s up with these women who wanted Burke and now Jacob? I mean, he doesn’t look like that Burke fellow. Well, other than both having dark hair. And from what I can tell, Jake isn’t even remotely a ditzy airhead! What? The notes-oh, fine, I’ll stick to the scripts.
Kiki apparently really likes men. She likes jewelry… no, wait, she likes the men to wea-what? Oh, just run her clip please.
Alright, so why do I want to be on Farmer Wants a Wife?
Because farmers know how to do it with a hoe...haha. No, seriously, I think I would be an excellent candidate for a farmer's wife because I love animals. I have never lived on a farm, but I've visited them. They can't be all that hard, right? Right? I think I could bring some color and excitement to a farm. And I'm a banana expert. I know everything about bananas. Go ahead and ask me! No wait, ask Burke Marquette. We're like two peas in a pod. Get it? It's a farm reference! I sleigh me. Two farm jokes! I can't stop! And farms have porches, right? I'm great with those. I mean, I've been waiting on Burke's porch for, what...2 years now? Anyway, please accept my application for Farmer Wants a Wife. I think I would be a great addition to the show.
Welcome Kiki, to our studio! I didn’t expect to get anyone semi-famous here. You’ve actually worked with Burke and you’ve met the Heiress and everything, haven’t you?
Yes. I heard they were actually thinking of dedicating a day to me, but I think that fell through somehow.
I can’t believe I’ve made it this far already. I mean, after two years of sitting on Burke’s porch, I figured it would be ages and ages before I knew if I was in your final candidate group. I hope I’m selected to be on the show though. I have all sorts of broad appeal to your TV audience, you know!
This is true, Kiki. We will be notifying the seven lucky ladies in just a couple of weeks. And after that, well, you won’t have to wait another two years to see if you’re a perfect match for Jacob Thomason, Kiki!
Well, that's all we have for this week, folks. Make sure to turn in next week when we meet the remaining final contestants for...
Farmer Wants A Wife!