Please Don't Leave Me Now / Please I Beg You Stay
For my recital, I wanted an English version of Jacques Brel's "Ne me quitte pas" (Oh my, the Ondes Martenot in the accompaniment! See also these two other good recordings). Indeed, it is the song, brought to my attention by Nina Simone, that got me started on learning (and eventually, writing) song lyrics, when before I was just humming Beethoven symphonies and concerti. Jacques Brel then reconciled me with verse, when school had previously disgusted me from any poetry, through classes compelled to monotonously recite poems that no one related to. Brel wrote of human foibles, full of love for the human yet without pity for the foibles; that is something that everyone can relate to, and emotional support I dearly needed. (As for this song, Brel once said it was about the cowardice of a man who can't let go of his failed relationship.) Moreover, his poems had melody, scansion and rhythm, not just a set number of syllables to blandly pronounce at fixed intervals. That was the way poetry was supposed to be; and a world sprung back into existence from which I had been cut out: to this day, I do not consider a poem complete unless and until there is a melody to sing it to, that makes it beautiful and memorable.
Unhappily, I didn't find any satisfactory adaptation of that song to English. The best known version is Rod McKuen's "If you go away", which is without contest a beautiful song, sung on the same melody (here are its lyrics and chords); but it is a travesty as far as translation goes: while it retains the general theme of a difficult break up, with negative stanzas for the inevitable separation and positive stanzas for the fantasy of reparation, it makes no attempt whatsoever at conveying the meaning of the original, much less its poetic metaphors, and does away with its gut-wrenching sense of desperation (plus it fudges a lot with the melody to squeeze or stretch more or fewer syllables). At the polar opposite, there is a version by Momus, which preserves the meaning of the song (lyrics down there), but has no regard whatsoever for its structural constraints: no attempt to respect the original rhythm, no rhymes, etc.
In between the two, I found a decent translation, "Do not leave me, please" by masespinhado, that preserves the poetic meaning and the scansion, at the expense of rhyme, and most importantly a very good version "Don't Leave Me Now" by Des de Moor: it manages to stay close to the original meaning and metaphors and what more reproduce its poetic quality, all the while mostly preserving the structural constraints. Like the French original, it mostly rhymes and mostly follows the ABBA rhyming pattern, though it lapses on both constraints at times; but unlike the French original, it doesn't take seriously the constraint of five syllables per verse, and only make a passable attempt at following it, with too many violations.
All in all, Des de Moor's version positively impressed me: though it was ultimately unsatisfactory, it reassured me that a good translation of the song was possible indeed. And with that assurance, I completed my own adaptation of the song, "Please I beg you stay". But before I completed it, first I tweaked Des de Moor's version, to improve its adherence to the song's structural constraints, into my variant, "Please Don't Leave Me Now", shown below. Then I wrote my own, and realized that some of Moor's findings were far superior to anything I could come up with.
Among de Moor's achievements, these lines just wowed me: "Let's forget the cost / Of the breath we've spent / Saying words unmeant / And the times we've lost". By contrast, my first attempt sounds completely tin: "Forget times we'd shout / Words misunderstood / And the time we'd brood / Time we lost in doubt". My second attempt (below) tries to spike the translation by using all 6 W's, thus showing the doubt rather than saying it. But I recognize that de Moor's version is more touching: negatively recalling the cold accounting words "cost" and "spent" and having them rhyme with the negative feeling words "lost" and "unmeant". He stepped back from the literal meaning, which couldn't be preserved due to rhyming constraints, anyway, to inject back some of the poetry lost in translation. Now that's mastery. And so I suppose when I sing I may choose over mine his version of these verses, and of a few other verses, too.
In another place, he sacrificed the literal translation of "loi" (law), which in French rhymes with "roi" (King), with his line "Where love's everything", that both rhymes and preserves the spirit if not the letter of the stanza. This encouraged me to similarly be more creative in finding a good rhyme for Queen, where de Moor masterfully uses the obscure word desmesne, that preserves both the meaning and the rhyme, but that very few people in the public would know, much less recognize out of context. In other places, I just couldn't muster the ability to come up with original solutions that could remotely rival his, but could only tweak his into better fitting the translation constraints I cared about. His "When evening is nigh / With flames overhead" notably is brilliant.
Without further ado, here are side by side the original French lyrics, Des de Moor's translation, my variant of his translation, my own mostly original translation, and a synthesis of these translations. The (*) indicates lines where I prefer de Moor's (possibly amended) variant to my own translation - almost half the time.
Ne me quitte pas
-Paroles: Jacques Brel
Ne me quitte pas
Il faut oublier
Tout peut s'oublier
Qui s'enfuit déjà
Oublier le temps
Des malentendus
Et le temps perdu
A savoir comment
Oublier ces heures
Qui tuaient parfois
A coups de pourquoi
Le cœur du bonheur
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Moi je t'offrirai
Des perles de pluie
Venues de pays
Où il ne pleut pas
Je creuserai la terre
Jusqu'après ma mort
Pour couvrir ton corps
D'or et de lumière
Je ferai un domaine
Où l'amour sera roi
Où l'amour sera loi
Où tu seras reine
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Je t'inventerai
Des mots insensés
Que tu comprendras
Je te parlerai
De ces amants-là
Qui ont vu deux fois
Leurs cœurs s'embraser
Je te raconterai
L'histoire de ce roi
Mort de n'avoir pas
Pu te rencontrer
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
On a vu souvent
Rejaillir le feu
D'un ancien volcan
Qu'on croyait trop vieux
Il est paraît-il
Des terres brûlées
Donnant plus de blé
Qu'un meilleur avril
Et quand vient le soir
Pour qu'un ciel flamboie
Le rouge et le noir
Ne s'épousent-ils pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Je ne vais plus pleurer
Je ne vais plus parler
Je me cacherai là
A te regarder
Danser et sourire
Et à t'écouter
Chanter et puis rire
Laisse-moi devenir
L'ombre de ton ombre
L'ombre de ta main
L'ombre de ton chien
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas
Ne me quitte pas Don't leave me now
-Translation: Des de Moor
Don't leave me now
We must just forget
All we can forget
All we did till now
Let's forget the cost
Of the breath we've spent
Saying words unmeant
And the times we've lost
Hours that must destroy
Never knowing why
Everything must die
At the heart of joy
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now
I'll bring back to you
The clear pearls of rain
From a distant domain
Where rain never fell
And though I grow old
I'll keep mining the ground
To deck you around
In sunlight and gold
I'll build you a desmene
Where love's everything
Where love is the king
And you are the queen
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now
For you I'll invent
Words and what they meant
Only you will know
Tales of lovers who
Fell apart and then
Fell in love again
Since their hearts stayed true
There's a story too
That I can confide
Of that king who died
From not meeting you
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now
And often it's true
That flames spill anew
From ancient volcanos
We thought were too old
When all's said and done
Scorched fields of defeat
Could give us more wheat
Than the fine April sun
And when evening is nigh
With flames overhead
The black and the red
Aren't they joined in the sky?
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now
I will cry no more
I will talk no more
Hide myself somehow
And I'll see your smile
And I'll see you dance
And I'll hear you sing
Hear your laughter ring
Let me be for you
The shadow of your shadow
The shadow of your hand
The dog at your command
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now
Don't leave me now Please don't leave me now
-Amended Translation: Faré
Please don't leave me now
We must just forget
All we can forget
All we did till now
Let's forget the cost (*)
Of the breath we've spent (*)
Saying words unmeant (*)
And the times we've lost (*)
Hours that'd destroy (*)
Each "How" after "Why"
Until it would die
The heart of our joy
Please don't leave me now
Please don't leave me now
Please don't leave me now
Please don't leave me now
I'll bring back to you (*)
Pearls made out of rain
From some far domain
That rain never knew
And though I grow old (*)
Still I'll dig the ground (*)
To deck you around (*)
In sunlight and gold (*)
I'll build a desmene
Where love's everything
Where love is the king
And you are the queen
Please don't leave me now
Please don't leave me now
Please don't leave me now
Please don't leave me now
Please don't leave me now
For you I'll invent (*)
Words and what they meant (*)
Only you will know (*)
Tales of lovers who
Fell apart and then
Fell in love again
Since their hearts stayed true
There's a story too (*)
That I can confide (*)
Of that king who died (*)
From not meeting you (*)
Please don't leave me now
Please don't leave me now
Please don't leave me now
Please don't leave me now
Often it's been true
A volcano thought
Too old to be aught
Would spill fire anew
When all's said and done
Scorched fields of defeat
Could give us more wheat
Than fine April sun
And when ev'ning's nigh (*)
With flames overhead (*)
Aren't both black and red
Wedded in the sky?
Please don't leave me now
Please don't leave me now
Please don't leave me now
Please don't leave me now
Please don't leave me now
I will cry no more (*)
I will speak no more
I'll just hide somehow
And I'll see you smile (*)
See you dancing while (*)
I may hear you sing (*)
Hear your laughter ring (*)
Let me just follow
You as your shadow
Shadow of your hand
Dog at your command
Please don't leave me now
Please don't leave me now
Please don't leave me now
Please don't leave me now Please I beg you stay
-Original Translation: Faré
Please I beg you stay
Let it go away
It can go away
Forgotten today
Forget what we've said
When words missed intent
Forget time mispent
Who knows where it fled
Hours that'd destroy
With each "How" each "Why"
Until it would die
The heart of our joy
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
I'll bring back to you
Pearls made out of rain
From far a domain
That rain never knew
Even dead and cold
I'll persist and mine
So I can enshrine
You in light and gold
I'll turn deserts green
I'll make love their King
Love their everything
And shall crown you Queen
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
For you I will grow
Words alone you'll know
With what they convey
I'll tell you of when
Lovers torn apart
Later found their heart
Set ablaze again
I'll relate of how
That Great King once died
For in vain he tried
Despaired to meet thou
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Often it comes through
A volcano thought
Too old to be aught
Bursts and burns anew
I've heard rumors wing
That a field scorched bare
Yields beyond compare
With one sown in Spring
And when ev'ning's nigh
With flames overhead
Aren't both black and red
Wedded in the sky?
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
I will weep no more
I will speak no more
I'll just hide away
Just to look at you
When you dance and smile
And listen to you
Sing and laugh a while
I'll be as you feel
Shadow at your suite
Shadow of your feet
Dog down at your heel
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
-Synthesis
Please I beg you stay
It can go away
It'll all go away
Be forgot today
Let's forget the cost
Of the breath we've spent
Saying words unmeant
And the times we've lost
When Hours'd destroy
With each "How" each "Why"
Until it would die
The heart of our joy
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
I'll bring back to you
Pearls made out of rain
From far a domain
That rain never knew
Even dead and cold
Still I'll dig the ground
To wrap you around
In sunlight and gold
I'll turn deserts green
I'll make love their King
Love their everything
And shall crown you Queen
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
For you I'll invent
Words and what they meant
Only you can say
I'll tell you of when
Lovers torn apart
Later found their heart
Set ablaze again
There's this story too
That I can confide
Of that king who died
From not meeting you
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Often it comes through
A volcano thought
Too old to be aught
Bursts and burns anew
I've heard rumors wing
A field scorched bare
Yields beyond compare
With one sown in Spring
And when ev'ning's nigh
With flames overhead
Aren't both black and red
Wedded in the sky?
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
I will weep no more
I will speak no more
I'll just hide away
So I'll see you smile
See you dancing while
I will hear you sing
Hear your laughter ring
I'll be as you feel
Shadow at your suite
Shadow of your feet
Shade at your dog's heel
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay
Please I beg you stay