Thoughts
Tomorrow is my birthday, though only two people in the village know that. Father does, of course, and I told Max. I doubt very much father will do anything at all, as he does not generally and after the talk we had* I'm not sure if he wishes to see me at all. It was difficult to say.
I have been thinking very much lately, but birthdays tend to do that. I'll be thirty-five, not that it matters much. It made me think back to the birthday I spent on the island, alone though I was locked up with Voldemort. I thought of the people there and their upbringing. I suppose I cannot really blame them for their ways, as they were raised to be as they were. Even those who did not believe me to be real--well, if I am real then orcs are also real, and the Nazgul and Sauron himself. It would be preferable for many to simply say that I was mad and those other things never existed.
Only one person retains my disdain, and that is the hypocrisy of his thinking. After all, what I did under the influence of the island surely deserved horrible punishment, while his lover could torture and kill me of his own will and that was just fine--worth lying for. I have no respect for that particular Dr. House. I could not. Even Jack Harkness I can forgive his thoughts. He tried to forgive, whether it was for me or so he could try and move past, it is no matter. I cannot blame him for being unable to do so as I could not have forgiven him so easily. My lack of one word--no--still plays heavily on my mind. Through that lack that other me was able to trick him and I cannot take it away.
The rudeness so many exhibited was simply a product of their world. I do not like it, but it is a fact. The stress of the island itself surely brought out the worst in some and that is not their fault, but that of the island.
Thus I have considered the past and the present, which led me to speaking with father. Who knows how much time here we have and I would not waste it simply because he does not wish to speak with me. I am not too proud to tell him that I love him, to say that I would know him better if only he would allow it. The time I spent with Boromir was such a great gift and to lose the same chance would be past foolishness on my part. Perhaps he will understand.
Other things here have made me think. I heard from the hotel staff that Kerai and Chuck are together. I mean, they live together. It did hurt for a moment but only that before I knew that Kerai had chosen correctly. I could not have given her what Chuck can, not ever. I could not give her the closeness she needs from the man she loves. It hurts to know but it is truth.
There are other painful truths I have been looking at. I love Kerai but I would never be right for her. I still do not know if I love Tabitha and I have not seen her since we were together. Has she gone? Did she get what she wanted from me? Why do I feel as I do about her and not be sure if I feel love or... I want to be with her again. I think I surprised her and that makes me feel very good, I admit. There is very little I would not do for Tabitha, which makes me again wonder why I cannot be sure if I love her or not. What else is it? I would do almost anything. I am glad that I did not see her when I was in a woman's body because, well, it makes me uncomfortable to think about it but it is true. Love is strange--had I been in a man's body and John Hart was still here... If he were a woman... My greatest objection to him was that we were friends. In considering Kerai, that changed. Thus the difficult became the simple, obvious one. There is a vast difference between a kiss of fealty, for family, and a real kiss. I have considered it, much to my own surprise, and found that I simply have no desire to be with a man in that fashion. But as a woman, it would be different. Wouldn't it? Well, I will not know and I'm somewhat relieved about that. Not with him and not with Tabitha.
She's not even here and I can almost feel my head spinning with thinking of her. Whatever my feelings, she is sophisticated in the modern way and I can only wonder what she ever saw in me. Perhaps she was just curious and, having had one night, is no longer interested. At least I had one chance and made the most of it. Eru, that woman confuses me.
Tomorrow is my birthday, not that Olore cares. I have made peace with many things so for now it's time to appease this last one. He has little care, or seems to. I must remember that the village sent him and this behaviour of his could easily be the village telling me to move. I'll move, Olore.
*I have not played this out but will likely have a Denethor post in which he ruminates on it.
I have been thinking very much lately, but birthdays tend to do that. I'll be thirty-five, not that it matters much. It made me think back to the birthday I spent on the island, alone though I was locked up with Voldemort. I thought of the people there and their upbringing. I suppose I cannot really blame them for their ways, as they were raised to be as they were. Even those who did not believe me to be real--well, if I am real then orcs are also real, and the Nazgul and Sauron himself. It would be preferable for many to simply say that I was mad and those other things never existed.
Only one person retains my disdain, and that is the hypocrisy of his thinking. After all, what I did under the influence of the island surely deserved horrible punishment, while his lover could torture and kill me of his own will and that was just fine--worth lying for. I have no respect for that particular Dr. House. I could not. Even Jack Harkness I can forgive his thoughts. He tried to forgive, whether it was for me or so he could try and move past, it is no matter. I cannot blame him for being unable to do so as I could not have forgiven him so easily. My lack of one word--no--still plays heavily on my mind. Through that lack that other me was able to trick him and I cannot take it away.
The rudeness so many exhibited was simply a product of their world. I do not like it, but it is a fact. The stress of the island itself surely brought out the worst in some and that is not their fault, but that of the island.
Thus I have considered the past and the present, which led me to speaking with father. Who knows how much time here we have and I would not waste it simply because he does not wish to speak with me. I am not too proud to tell him that I love him, to say that I would know him better if only he would allow it. The time I spent with Boromir was such a great gift and to lose the same chance would be past foolishness on my part. Perhaps he will understand.
Other things here have made me think. I heard from the hotel staff that Kerai and Chuck are together. I mean, they live together. It did hurt for a moment but only that before I knew that Kerai had chosen correctly. I could not have given her what Chuck can, not ever. I could not give her the closeness she needs from the man she loves. It hurts to know but it is truth.
There are other painful truths I have been looking at. I love Kerai but I would never be right for her. I still do not know if I love Tabitha and I have not seen her since we were together. Has she gone? Did she get what she wanted from me? Why do I feel as I do about her and not be sure if I feel love or... I want to be with her again. I think I surprised her and that makes me feel very good, I admit. There is very little I would not do for Tabitha, which makes me again wonder why I cannot be sure if I love her or not. What else is it? I would do almost anything. I am glad that I did not see her when I was in a woman's body because, well, it makes me uncomfortable to think about it but it is true. Love is strange--had I been in a man's body and John Hart was still here... If he were a woman... My greatest objection to him was that we were friends. In considering Kerai, that changed. Thus the difficult became the simple, obvious one. There is a vast difference between a kiss of fealty, for family, and a real kiss. I have considered it, much to my own surprise, and found that I simply have no desire to be with a man in that fashion. But as a woman, it would be different. Wouldn't it? Well, I will not know and I'm somewhat relieved about that. Not with him and not with Tabitha.
She's not even here and I can almost feel my head spinning with thinking of her. Whatever my feelings, she is sophisticated in the modern way and I can only wonder what she ever saw in me. Perhaps she was just curious and, having had one night, is no longer interested. At least I had one chance and made the most of it. Eru, that woman confuses me.
Tomorrow is my birthday, not that Olore cares. I have made peace with many things so for now it's time to appease this last one. He has little care, or seems to. I must remember that the village sent him and this behaviour of his could easily be the village telling me to move. I'll move, Olore.
*I have not played this out but will likely have a Denethor post in which he ruminates on it.