(no subject)
so its officially about 8 months at this moment in time that my cousin and his two bestfriends died in a car accident.
how to save a life by the fray was played during my cousins slideshow. i had yet to play at least 10 seconds of that song until about 2 days ago. I just sat there too lazy to change it. and it got to me. i just started tearing. in my head... i was picturing his face.. how much i miss his company. how much he meant to my family. how funny he was.. how much i wanted to be just like him. just the person he was. it hit me that it really is permanent. that in 50 years i still wont see my cousin.
everyday isnt a struggle because i could feel his presence. just there are those days.
at the wedding on saturday... the priest asked for a moment to remember those who had passed away. the moment he said that I could feel a cold rush of blood. my sister broke down and started crying. i couldnt tell her anything cos then i knew i would also. u hear all these names of people who lived their long lives but then you have my 18 year old cousin who had so much ahead of him in that same category. it sucks
my attitude towards life has changed.
ever since i was little, i always told myself i was going to do well in school so i can get rich and live in wealth. that really doesn't matter to me anymore. i want happiness. thats all.
money would be great. but i want a life where im happy. i haven't been happy lately. i was asked to write a paper on myself and what college i want to go to and why i should be accepted to that college for AP Calc.
if i was asked to write that about a year ago it would have been UC Berkeley, easy and over with. but now i honestly don't care but, i don't want to go to community college. ill prolly end up at a cal state. it just isn't a big deal to me. im not all obsessive about it. i care more about my life then how i do in school.
i had someone who made me happy.. so happy i didnt realize what i had. now i don't and she wont even give me a fraction of the attention she did before. honestly, i just sometimes wished someone else besides her would call... now i say all i want is for her is to call me.i never thought a girl could make me feel just plain out "incomplete". it wrecks me inside. i don't even know where to start. i sit here at 1:24 in the morning hoping for her to call me in the middle of the night like she used to.
and i fucked it up. it hit me... how much i truly took her for granted. the person she is... i love it. now i have to deal with what ive done... and it was pretty much for something that ended up to really be nothing.
p.s. it took me about an hour to write this.
and i almost forgot... YCS 07 was a time never to forget. it feels like another family.
and i broke my collar bone about 1 month ago atv riding.
how to save a life by the fray was played during my cousins slideshow. i had yet to play at least 10 seconds of that song until about 2 days ago. I just sat there too lazy to change it. and it got to me. i just started tearing. in my head... i was picturing his face.. how much i miss his company. how much he meant to my family. how funny he was.. how much i wanted to be just like him. just the person he was. it hit me that it really is permanent. that in 50 years i still wont see my cousin.
everyday isnt a struggle because i could feel his presence. just there are those days.
at the wedding on saturday... the priest asked for a moment to remember those who had passed away. the moment he said that I could feel a cold rush of blood. my sister broke down and started crying. i couldnt tell her anything cos then i knew i would also. u hear all these names of people who lived their long lives but then you have my 18 year old cousin who had so much ahead of him in that same category. it sucks
my attitude towards life has changed.
ever since i was little, i always told myself i was going to do well in school so i can get rich and live in wealth. that really doesn't matter to me anymore. i want happiness. thats all.
money would be great. but i want a life where im happy. i haven't been happy lately. i was asked to write a paper on myself and what college i want to go to and why i should be accepted to that college for AP Calc.
if i was asked to write that about a year ago it would have been UC Berkeley, easy and over with. but now i honestly don't care but, i don't want to go to community college. ill prolly end up at a cal state. it just isn't a big deal to me. im not all obsessive about it. i care more about my life then how i do in school.
i had someone who made me happy.. so happy i didnt realize what i had. now i don't and she wont even give me a fraction of the attention she did before. honestly, i just sometimes wished someone else besides her would call... now i say all i want is for her is to call me.i never thought a girl could make me feel just plain out "incomplete". it wrecks me inside. i don't even know where to start. i sit here at 1:24 in the morning hoping for her to call me in the middle of the night like she used to.
and i fucked it up. it hit me... how much i truly took her for granted. the person she is... i love it. now i have to deal with what ive done... and it was pretty much for something that ended up to really be nothing.
p.s. it took me about an hour to write this.
and i almost forgot... YCS 07 was a time never to forget. it feels like another family.
and i broke my collar bone about 1 month ago atv riding.