Who are we really?
Times have been a misery for me. School holidays are almost over and I can't even begin to start on how much i wanted to do and how much i actually did do. Its sad to say but i want to go back to school.
It is this which has made me wonder about what we are made of. Essentially to me there are three things: (obviously we have feelings etc. but these are the main three to me)
1. Our dreams. These could be simple things as surving tommorow, a career goal, a high enter, meeting people, making new friends or simply keeping in touch with your old friends or even meeting celebrities. These dreams are what makes us keep going because this is what we want.. our dreams and aspirations for a future.
2. The present. This keeps us from getting so carried away. We may dream for a flashy car, but if we look at ourselves and find we have very little cash our dream cannot be fufilled. The present keeps us on the ground in terms of our lives. We would otherwise be carried away.
3. The past tragedies. These are the things that we wish to forget and leave as a distant memory of the past. They could be as simple as an event that was terrible such as love or family passing, not achieving your dream or simply your own mistakes that have lead to things that you just simply regret.
So if these tragedies are something we want to leave as a memory why do they keep coming up as reality. Is it so we avoid making the same mistakes again and again like we are unaware of what we are doing or is it to remind us simply of how we have changed. How are we meant to forget these things that we deeply regret within our lives? Is it something we can control such as how much food we eat, or if we sing? To me.. tragedies cannot be controlled. They are apart of our memories like an engraving always going to be there. No matter how hard we try to remove them, they remain for iternity and when we try to forget they all just flood back. Flood back as we attempt to also reflect about how life could be different if we did change just one action we thought was right.
- What if we didn't say such harsh words to someone and lost a friendship? Does that mean we would still be friends today or would things be different?
- What if I changed my behaviour like you had asked me to? Would I still know you as who I did before, or would I not know you and pretent we were just two strangers walking down the street? Would I have felt the same love that I did all those years ago?
- What if I didn't learn an instrument? Would I have not met an great person that I could share stories and things that I felt comfortable sharing only with that person? Would I have been able to feel true joy that I did feel if i didn't?
- What if I didn't go to the school I did? Would I have met such great and wonderful people that have all impacted my life in some shape or form?
But most importantly..:
- Would I have met the person that I think about almost every night and day even if it is a subconcious act on my part? To think that this would have not occured if the events and tragedies that occured to me didn't happen. To find a person that brings you a smile, a laugh, a glee of hope, a warm feeling in your heart, but also an inspiration for you to achieve your dreams not only once but two times, almost three for me is simply just fate helping you to reach your dreams and just a little bit of luck too.
So once I finish Year 12 in 2009 and leap into the pool of University and swin laps in the Uni pool for who knows how long it makes me wonder, am I going to be lucky like I am now in finding people that make me happy. I'm not sure.. but for the moment all I want is to remain young like Peter Pan. He was able to dream and be free in his choices and decisions. After all, isn't that what everyone wants in their lives? A little chance to dream and be free , and not have to suffer in re- living tragedies over and over again like a recordplayer broken.
However, we all know that this may not be so easy. It is willpower that will help us overcome these memories. If there is a will there is a way.. so likewise if we want to remove these tragedies we can.
WILLPOWER & CONTROL= TRAGEDIES GONE?
Who knows if this is really true? For me I have tried my heart out soo many times and yet the tragedies in my life continue to remain as if they just happened yesterday. I guess the next step for me is too keep trying and just be grateful for all the wonderful friends and people that I can talk to. :) and an annoying sister who simply drives the memories away.
KK ♥
10/07/09