To Voice Your Thoughts Out
Oneshot
Pairing: Sungmin/Jungmo, slight Jaymo, slight Kyumin
Warning: Probably grammar errors, and Jungmo being slightly off character perhaps
A/N: I'm real sorry it takes very very long, but it's for onetruemei's LJ Anniversary. The one that's supposed to be written for this, sadly stuck in the middle so I wrote a new one, without dead!Kyu of course, because Amma won't like it ^^; Hope you enjoy reading despite any fails you might find :)
Day after day, time pass away
And I just can't get you off my mind
Nobody knows, I hide it inside
I keep on searching, but I can't find
I met you in kindergarten. We were placed in the same class, partnered when there was group work, same bus when there was fun trip, and many others. We were together in everything, which made us know each other well, though not very close to. We were very different after all. You enjoyed talking and laughing with your other friends, while I preferred playing alone with my toy boxes.
Coincidentally we went to the same elementary school. Apparently, I found myself attracted to male more than female, and I got depressed because of that. Of all boys, I had to form a crush on you. You were popular there. You were known as the pristine, for being smart, kind hearted, and cutely handsome. It was a silly hopeless crush, I knew, so I chose to hide it forever.
At fourth grade, we were in the same class again, which made everything seemed to be more difficult. I had tried to erase the feelings, but I just couldn’t. Especially when you showed friendly gesture to me like to suddenly hug, or smack, or talk freely about your love life. It hurt, but what could I do? Confessing? I would if only I had enough courage.
The courage to show, to letting you know
I've never felt so much love before
We were fifth graders when I wondered if you were also gay. It got my curiousity, because I often heard you talking bouncily to your friends about how you always favoured male characters in films more, about how Victor Krum from Harry Potter was hot, or how Sasuke from anime Naruto was handsome, or how Choi Minho from boyband SHINee was cool.
So I thought maybe...just maybe... I had a chance. Though we were never really close, I gathered up all the guts I possessed and confessed.
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out
I didn’t forget your expression. It was a mixture of clear flabbergast and guilt. You said you were straight and couldn’t reply my feelings. That was fine, perhaps you really were, or perhaps you just hadn’t realized that you weren’t so straight, I appreciated your kindness in rejecting and your promise to just forget this confession and stayed being my friend.
Still, it hurt all the same. Should I really give it up?
But if I let you go I will never know
What my life would be, holding you close to me
We parted junior high school, but met again in high school, all still by coincidence. When you found me, I was surprised that you constantly approached me.
“Kim Jungmo sshi, you did confess to me at fifth grade, didn’t you?” I nodded, wondering why the hell you brought up that old pain again. I thought you decided to forget about that? “Do you still hold the feelings now? Do you still like me?” Hesitantly, I nodded again. My heart still skipped beats whenever I saw you. I guessed it was true that first love was always hard to forget. “Will you go out with me? I found out later that I am also into guys... and I’ve always known you good. So stupid I was to let you go. I would never know how it felt to date you, to hold you close, to love someone who reciprocated my feelings...”
You pulled me into a hug as I nodded again. I was happy, although only for a while.
Obviously you never fell for me. I had realized it since the beginning, and your friends also told me about it too. The only reason why you asked me out just because you knew I loved you. You got depressed and tired with your unrequited love with straight boys so you sought for care and comfort from me. Everyone told me to stop hoping and just break up, and I almost did it, almost. But something inside my mind told me to stay. I was the one in love, so if we ever broke up, it was him who should dump me, when later when you found some other crush who replied positively to your heart.
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
How will I know if I let you go?
At school, you played and talked with your own friends, while I spent break time by reading or doing homework for the next day. At home, you never called. At weekend, we never hung out either. So I thought there were not really much different we breaking up or “together”.
You came to me just when you felt like it. You only came to exchange simple chats and greetings, to hug, to snuggle, or to kiss. First time you kissed me, I pushed you. I told you that I was sorry because I wasn’t prepared for rush like that, but the real reason was, if I let you kiss me, things would continue its way and I would end up being your sex mate, most probably. Because I would only make love with someone who sincerely loved me back.
Night after night, I hear myself say
Why can't this feeling just fade away?
There were two transferred students, cousins named Kyuhyun and Jay. Kyuhyun was in your class and Jay was in my class. Both of them were talented singers. Jay sang rock music while Kyuhyun sang ballad. Somehow, Jay and I quickly got along. We both were interested in bands and at music class, I often played guitar to accompany him singing, and it harmonized perfectly. Other students found it good and suggested me to move my heart from you to Jay, because a rumour said that the cousins were gay. Moreover, they said that you and Kyuhyun got pretty close too. I almost did as they told, almost. Again, my heart didn’t want to cooperate.
Why couldn’t this feeling just fade away?
There's no one like you
You speak to my heart
It's such a shame we're worlds apart
“I heard you’re close with that transferred guy...” You started a conversation. There was something in your tone in asking which I wondered what. Possessiveness, jealousy, accusation...?
“Yeah, so?”
“So?! Of course I don’t like it! You’re my boyfriend!” It angered me. Who were you to feel like that, you never acted like how a boyfriend should.
“What? You dislike me having a friend? Do you prefer me being all alone? I don’t think my boyfriend should have a hold over my friendship,” I could see shock in your face. You probably thought I would never throw back your words harshly like that. “You yourself have a lot of friends. I also heard you’re close with Jay’s cousin, Cho Kyuhyun.”
You sighed. Your expression changed into what I could describe as... sad and pained. But perhaps it was just a wishful thinking. Why would you feel like that by the way? You didn’t even love me.
“You know it’s easy for me to make friends. I can get close to everybody, everybody except you. I thought it’s because you’re the type of person who doesn’t like being close to anybody. I thought it’s because you prefer lone than crowd. I thought you have some kind of barrier, which doesn’t let even your boyfriend to cross. But if you can be close with Jay who you knew only for a week, is it wrong to be jealous? Is it wrong to be worried?”
I'm too shy to ask, I'm too proud to lose
But sooner or later I got to choose
It’s wrong. It can’t be true. You never had loved me, hadn’t you?
...Of course. You were just jealous because there was something Jay could easily do while you never could. Perhaps for you, being close to me was just a game, a challenge. I bet if I did open my heart to you, you wouldn’t stay with me. You would be like always, coming when you felt like, because your curiousity had been fulfilled.
But worried? I wasn’t brave enough to hope, to speculate, nor to ask you.
I used to think positively and supposedly still did. But if it was about your feelings for me, I could never be. I was afraid to hope much.
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out
“You don’t have to be. Jay is a friend, but I love you.”
“I’m jealous because I know you love me and I’m afraid it changed. But apparently, you’re never jealous of Kyuhyun or anyone else who’s close to me because you don’t know if I love you and maybe you’ve expected me to never love you.”
My eyes widened at your words. I couldn’t believe what I heard. And did you sound sad?
“You never trust me, Jungmo. Let us just break up cause it’s pointless, only hurting both sides. Try love someone else, maybe Jay is destined with you.”
Wait.... Since when had you cared? Since when had you felt hurt? And why would you? I never trusted you of course because there was nothing to trust, because you never loved me right? Weren’t you just using me as an outlet for your emotion when you felt like it? I would have just let you break up with me if you fell for another person. But if the reason was because I never trusted you, it confused me...
And why the heck did you pair me up with Jay, I told you he was just a friend! If I could I had stopped loving you since back then at fifth grade!
You didn’t walk away, simply standing still in front of me with a very shocked face. I paled. Did I just voice my thoughts out?
“Let me answer and correct them all? When I asked you out for the first time, it’s true, I have intentions to just use you as someone I can hug, cuddle, kiss, because I feel the desire only towards guys, being a gay I am, however there’s only you whom I know loves me back, so I think it’s an advantage for both sides.” You stepped forward and extended your arms to encircle my shoulders. “Time changes everything. I got to like you more and more. Your calmness, your seriousness, your talents, your rare smiles, I loved everything. But I thought, yeah, like I said before, you have barrier which prevent everyone from getting close to you, including me. I was sad when you rejected my kiss, but I respected you. In spite of it, I still visited you sometimes because I wanted to remind you that I had missed you. I guess it’s a wrong move, ne?”
You hugged me now, while I was still speechless. “Then Jay came. Those rumours I heard, hurt me very badly. I thought you fell for him. If you realize, I hadn’t come to you since he transferred. That’s mainly because I was afraid you asked me to break up. Moreover, I came to think, why hadn’t you felt any jealousy towards Kyuhyun or anyone else? Perhaps you never trusted me? Gathering as much courage I have, I decided to be upfront and confirm it once for all. And today, I was at loss when you made it clear that you doubted my love all this time. That’s why I thought we should break up...”
I felt like crying now, of happiness. So that was the truth? “Thanks God your mouth just lost control and you spoke up all your thoughts. Now I know what you feel and I can explain everything. So, can we start all over again now? Can you start to believe that I am also in love with you? Can you open up to me, way way greater than to Jay who’s just a friend? Can you stop keeping your thoughts for you only and start sharing with me so there will be no more misunderstanding?”
“You’re very talkative, aren’t you? Now let me speak. Yes, Sungmin, yes for everything. But there’s something I want to correct too. I do, indeed, feel jealous towards Kyuhyun, Eunhyuk, Donghae, and everyone you’re always spending time with. Now I voice out my thoughts like you want me to, and I’ll be open to you, only if you decide to spend more time with me.” I hugged you back. “Oh, and this may sound silly, but stop saying how hot is Victor Krum, how handsome is Sasuke, and how cool is Choi Minho, because it irritates my ear.”
“Wow, I’m afraid my heart stops beating for getting so much shock today. So you eavesdropped my chit chat with Hyukkie?” I pouted, you giggled cutely while looking straight into my eyes. “Don’t worry. I have one hot, handsome, cool, and definitely real boyfriend already before my eyes.” I smiled. “Anymore unspoken thoughts?”
“...nothing.”
“No, there’s more. Just tell me!”
I blushed. This was so embarrassing to ask but since you insisted, well, “I don’t like the fact that I’m more like the girl in the relationship. I’m older, cooler, taller...” You burst into laughter, which made me flushed worse. “Come on Min, don’t react like that.”
“You’re really unpredictable. Who knows that you have concerns about it? Fine, fine. You’re the guy. You’ll be the one responsible for treats,” you stuck out your tongue evilly. “Were there still any?”
“Okay, this is the last one... May I kiss you now? I don’t count one when I pushed you as our first kiss.”
“Sure, you don’t have to ask.”
We finally had our first kiss, chaste and full of love.
But if I let you go, I will never know
What my life would be, holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
How will I know if I let you go?
-End-
A/N: The song is "If I Let You Go" by Westlife. Please tell me if there's a mistake in the lyrics :3
Pairing: Sungmin/Jungmo, slight Jaymo, slight Kyumin
Warning: Probably grammar errors, and Jungmo being slightly off character perhaps
A/N: I'm real sorry it takes very very long, but it's for onetruemei's LJ Anniversary. The one that's supposed to be written for this, sadly stuck in the middle so I wrote a new one, without dead!Kyu of course, because Amma won't like it ^^; Hope you enjoy reading despite any fails you might find :)
Day after day, time pass away
And I just can't get you off my mind
Nobody knows, I hide it inside
I keep on searching, but I can't find
I met you in kindergarten. We were placed in the same class, partnered when there was group work, same bus when there was fun trip, and many others. We were together in everything, which made us know each other well, though not very close to. We were very different after all. You enjoyed talking and laughing with your other friends, while I preferred playing alone with my toy boxes.
Coincidentally we went to the same elementary school. Apparently, I found myself attracted to male more than female, and I got depressed because of that. Of all boys, I had to form a crush on you. You were popular there. You were known as the pristine, for being smart, kind hearted, and cutely handsome. It was a silly hopeless crush, I knew, so I chose to hide it forever.
At fourth grade, we were in the same class again, which made everything seemed to be more difficult. I had tried to erase the feelings, but I just couldn’t. Especially when you showed friendly gesture to me like to suddenly hug, or smack, or talk freely about your love life. It hurt, but what could I do? Confessing? I would if only I had enough courage.
The courage to show, to letting you know
I've never felt so much love before
We were fifth graders when I wondered if you were also gay. It got my curiousity, because I often heard you talking bouncily to your friends about how you always favoured male characters in films more, about how Victor Krum from Harry Potter was hot, or how Sasuke from anime Naruto was handsome, or how Choi Minho from boyband SHINee was cool.
So I thought maybe...just maybe... I had a chance. Though we were never really close, I gathered up all the guts I possessed and confessed.
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out
I didn’t forget your expression. It was a mixture of clear flabbergast and guilt. You said you were straight and couldn’t reply my feelings. That was fine, perhaps you really were, or perhaps you just hadn’t realized that you weren’t so straight, I appreciated your kindness in rejecting and your promise to just forget this confession and stayed being my friend.
Still, it hurt all the same. Should I really give it up?
But if I let you go I will never know
What my life would be, holding you close to me
We parted junior high school, but met again in high school, all still by coincidence. When you found me, I was surprised that you constantly approached me.
“Kim Jungmo sshi, you did confess to me at fifth grade, didn’t you?” I nodded, wondering why the hell you brought up that old pain again. I thought you decided to forget about that? “Do you still hold the feelings now? Do you still like me?” Hesitantly, I nodded again. My heart still skipped beats whenever I saw you. I guessed it was true that first love was always hard to forget. “Will you go out with me? I found out later that I am also into guys... and I’ve always known you good. So stupid I was to let you go. I would never know how it felt to date you, to hold you close, to love someone who reciprocated my feelings...”
You pulled me into a hug as I nodded again. I was happy, although only for a while.
Obviously you never fell for me. I had realized it since the beginning, and your friends also told me about it too. The only reason why you asked me out just because you knew I loved you. You got depressed and tired with your unrequited love with straight boys so you sought for care and comfort from me. Everyone told me to stop hoping and just break up, and I almost did it, almost. But something inside my mind told me to stay. I was the one in love, so if we ever broke up, it was him who should dump me, when later when you found some other crush who replied positively to your heart.
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
How will I know if I let you go?
At school, you played and talked with your own friends, while I spent break time by reading or doing homework for the next day. At home, you never called. At weekend, we never hung out either. So I thought there were not really much different we breaking up or “together”.
You came to me just when you felt like it. You only came to exchange simple chats and greetings, to hug, to snuggle, or to kiss. First time you kissed me, I pushed you. I told you that I was sorry because I wasn’t prepared for rush like that, but the real reason was, if I let you kiss me, things would continue its way and I would end up being your sex mate, most probably. Because I would only make love with someone who sincerely loved me back.
Night after night, I hear myself say
Why can't this feeling just fade away?
There were two transferred students, cousins named Kyuhyun and Jay. Kyuhyun was in your class and Jay was in my class. Both of them were talented singers. Jay sang rock music while Kyuhyun sang ballad. Somehow, Jay and I quickly got along. We both were interested in bands and at music class, I often played guitar to accompany him singing, and it harmonized perfectly. Other students found it good and suggested me to move my heart from you to Jay, because a rumour said that the cousins were gay. Moreover, they said that you and Kyuhyun got pretty close too. I almost did as they told, almost. Again, my heart didn’t want to cooperate.
Why couldn’t this feeling just fade away?
There's no one like you
You speak to my heart
It's such a shame we're worlds apart
“I heard you’re close with that transferred guy...” You started a conversation. There was something in your tone in asking which I wondered what. Possessiveness, jealousy, accusation...?
“Yeah, so?”
“So?! Of course I don’t like it! You’re my boyfriend!” It angered me. Who were you to feel like that, you never acted like how a boyfriend should.
“What? You dislike me having a friend? Do you prefer me being all alone? I don’t think my boyfriend should have a hold over my friendship,” I could see shock in your face. You probably thought I would never throw back your words harshly like that. “You yourself have a lot of friends. I also heard you’re close with Jay’s cousin, Cho Kyuhyun.”
You sighed. Your expression changed into what I could describe as... sad and pained. But perhaps it was just a wishful thinking. Why would you feel like that by the way? You didn’t even love me.
“You know it’s easy for me to make friends. I can get close to everybody, everybody except you. I thought it’s because you’re the type of person who doesn’t like being close to anybody. I thought it’s because you prefer lone than crowd. I thought you have some kind of barrier, which doesn’t let even your boyfriend to cross. But if you can be close with Jay who you knew only for a week, is it wrong to be jealous? Is it wrong to be worried?”
I'm too shy to ask, I'm too proud to lose
But sooner or later I got to choose
It’s wrong. It can’t be true. You never had loved me, hadn’t you?
...Of course. You were just jealous because there was something Jay could easily do while you never could. Perhaps for you, being close to me was just a game, a challenge. I bet if I did open my heart to you, you wouldn’t stay with me. You would be like always, coming when you felt like, because your curiousity had been fulfilled.
But worried? I wasn’t brave enough to hope, to speculate, nor to ask you.
I used to think positively and supposedly still did. But if it was about your feelings for me, I could never be. I was afraid to hope much.
And once again I'm thinking about
Taking the easy way out
“You don’t have to be. Jay is a friend, but I love you.”
“I’m jealous because I know you love me and I’m afraid it changed. But apparently, you’re never jealous of Kyuhyun or anyone else who’s close to me because you don’t know if I love you and maybe you’ve expected me to never love you.”
My eyes widened at your words. I couldn’t believe what I heard. And did you sound sad?
“You never trust me, Jungmo. Let us just break up cause it’s pointless, only hurting both sides. Try love someone else, maybe Jay is destined with you.”
Wait.... Since when had you cared? Since when had you felt hurt? And why would you? I never trusted you of course because there was nothing to trust, because you never loved me right? Weren’t you just using me as an outlet for your emotion when you felt like it? I would have just let you break up with me if you fell for another person. But if the reason was because I never trusted you, it confused me...
And why the heck did you pair me up with Jay, I told you he was just a friend! If I could I had stopped loving you since back then at fifth grade!
You didn’t walk away, simply standing still in front of me with a very shocked face. I paled. Did I just voice my thoughts out?
“Let me answer and correct them all? When I asked you out for the first time, it’s true, I have intentions to just use you as someone I can hug, cuddle, kiss, because I feel the desire only towards guys, being a gay I am, however there’s only you whom I know loves me back, so I think it’s an advantage for both sides.” You stepped forward and extended your arms to encircle my shoulders. “Time changes everything. I got to like you more and more. Your calmness, your seriousness, your talents, your rare smiles, I loved everything. But I thought, yeah, like I said before, you have barrier which prevent everyone from getting close to you, including me. I was sad when you rejected my kiss, but I respected you. In spite of it, I still visited you sometimes because I wanted to remind you that I had missed you. I guess it’s a wrong move, ne?”
You hugged me now, while I was still speechless. “Then Jay came. Those rumours I heard, hurt me very badly. I thought you fell for him. If you realize, I hadn’t come to you since he transferred. That’s mainly because I was afraid you asked me to break up. Moreover, I came to think, why hadn’t you felt any jealousy towards Kyuhyun or anyone else? Perhaps you never trusted me? Gathering as much courage I have, I decided to be upfront and confirm it once for all. And today, I was at loss when you made it clear that you doubted my love all this time. That’s why I thought we should break up...”
I felt like crying now, of happiness. So that was the truth? “Thanks God your mouth just lost control and you spoke up all your thoughts. Now I know what you feel and I can explain everything. So, can we start all over again now? Can you start to believe that I am also in love with you? Can you open up to me, way way greater than to Jay who’s just a friend? Can you stop keeping your thoughts for you only and start sharing with me so there will be no more misunderstanding?”
“You’re very talkative, aren’t you? Now let me speak. Yes, Sungmin, yes for everything. But there’s something I want to correct too. I do, indeed, feel jealous towards Kyuhyun, Eunhyuk, Donghae, and everyone you’re always spending time with. Now I voice out my thoughts like you want me to, and I’ll be open to you, only if you decide to spend more time with me.” I hugged you back. “Oh, and this may sound silly, but stop saying how hot is Victor Krum, how handsome is Sasuke, and how cool is Choi Minho, because it irritates my ear.”
“Wow, I’m afraid my heart stops beating for getting so much shock today. So you eavesdropped my chit chat with Hyukkie?” I pouted, you giggled cutely while looking straight into my eyes. “Don’t worry. I have one hot, handsome, cool, and definitely real boyfriend already before my eyes.” I smiled. “Anymore unspoken thoughts?”
“...nothing.”
“No, there’s more. Just tell me!”
I blushed. This was so embarrassing to ask but since you insisted, well, “I don’t like the fact that I’m more like the girl in the relationship. I’m older, cooler, taller...” You burst into laughter, which made me flushed worse. “Come on Min, don’t react like that.”
“You’re really unpredictable. Who knows that you have concerns about it? Fine, fine. You’re the guy. You’ll be the one responsible for treats,” you stuck out your tongue evilly. “Were there still any?”
“Okay, this is the last one... May I kiss you now? I don’t count one when I pushed you as our first kiss.”
“Sure, you don’t have to ask.”
We finally had our first kiss, chaste and full of love.
But if I let you go, I will never know
What my life would be, holding you close to me
Will I ever see you smiling back at me?
How will I know if I let you go?
-End-
A/N: The song is "If I Let You Go" by Westlife. Please tell me if there's a mistake in the lyrics :3