Self-respect, Some important realizations
I was thinking about what I wrote here and my outlook on future, and it sounded like I am almost completely washed up or finished, which is pretty close to the truth I think. Except I can't be finished, at least not until Mum passes away, which will be another 10-15 years I guess. (Actually not that far away ...) So I have to be alive, I have to do something ...
I think this is really important, it's a shame it took me so long to figure this out, because I didn't want to think (suspected reason).
What I want most of all is self-respect (more than friendship, happiness or fulfillment ... actually these cannot come without self-respect), and what I find most difficult is to live with myself (both for things that I have and have not done), particularly when I am around people because then, I could not turn a blind eye to how inept,useless, and many other things which I wished I am not but am. It's easier when I am alone to deal with what I am not doing (part of why is the same reasoning that it's easier, for example, for politicians to be criticised for what they said/did than what they did not say or do).
I think I realized something very important just then. For all of those things that I don't want to, need to, scared of doing, even if there is no apparent benefit to anyone, remember this, you are doing them so you could live with yourself, like yourself a bit, for self-respect and possibly personal growth, which hopefully one day will translate to benefit to other people too.
It's best not to think much about what kind of person I am (have been in the past), I think. Try to give it my all, for as long as possible, because this gives me the best chance to help someone. (Whether I will follow my own advice here, or any other, is highly questionable judging from my past. But just got to try, try, again, and again. Am I really trying?)
Still some resentment towards Mum (translate into me being short and cold with her quite regularly). Even though I wrote it was less, but nevertheless it is still there, particularly for "no one is going to help you", which I kept repeating in my head sometimes. There were a few times in the past (years ago) when what she said seemed especially threatening or demeaning to me (implying total disregard for me). These memories are particularly clear/intact, when compared to times when she was kind, loving, or selfless. In my mind, in a lot of the instances when she showed affections for me, I simply did not believe her, because I was thinking/remembering about the times when she seemed to have no regard/respect for me. This eventually led me to think why the "bad" memories seem to override the "good" ones. That is, why can't I go the other way and disregard/forget/overlook those times when she was "harsh" in view of all the good things she did for me. ... The answer I think is that I am fundamentally conservative. First instinct was always not to get hurt, damage limitation always came first. ... I am watching this TV series, which made me think maybe I behaved and treated her badly for not believing in her good intentions, even though I know in the back of my mind, that ultimately she wants what's best for me. ...
Following are more thoughts that I wanted to write down. But they are not going to be very different in sentences and for my own reference anyway *lazy*, so will leave as is.
feelings and thoughts repressed, try not to have them, admonished self
undeniable
+guilt-ridden and self-blame at work from mistakes, incompetence, laziness, weakness in character , ...
100 years from now, none of these will matter
least of all to me, because I will be dead so I don't have to live with myself or whatever I did any more
live like you are dead already (haha)
=> nothing to lose (not doable in practice)
got to help yourself before you can help others
think of myself like a disease (sometimes in the past)
isolate
bound to disappoint
distance
I think this is really important, it's a shame it took me so long to figure this out, because I didn't want to think (suspected reason).
What I want most of all is self-respect (more than friendship, happiness or fulfillment ... actually these cannot come without self-respect), and what I find most difficult is to live with myself (both for things that I have and have not done), particularly when I am around people because then, I could not turn a blind eye to how inept,useless, and many other things which I wished I am not but am. It's easier when I am alone to deal with what I am not doing (part of why is the same reasoning that it's easier, for example, for politicians to be criticised for what they said/did than what they did not say or do).
I think I realized something very important just then. For all of those things that I don't want to, need to, scared of doing, even if there is no apparent benefit to anyone, remember this, you are doing them so you could live with yourself, like yourself a bit, for self-respect and possibly personal growth, which hopefully one day will translate to benefit to other people too.
It's best not to think much about what kind of person I am (have been in the past), I think. Try to give it my all, for as long as possible, because this gives me the best chance to help someone. (Whether I will follow my own advice here, or any other, is highly questionable judging from my past. But just got to try, try, again, and again. Am I really trying?)
Still some resentment towards Mum (translate into me being short and cold with her quite regularly). Even though I wrote it was less, but nevertheless it is still there, particularly for "no one is going to help you", which I kept repeating in my head sometimes. There were a few times in the past (years ago) when what she said seemed especially threatening or demeaning to me (implying total disregard for me). These memories are particularly clear/intact, when compared to times when she was kind, loving, or selfless. In my mind, in a lot of the instances when she showed affections for me, I simply did not believe her, because I was thinking/remembering about the times when she seemed to have no regard/respect for me. This eventually led me to think why the "bad" memories seem to override the "good" ones. That is, why can't I go the other way and disregard/forget/overlook those times when she was "harsh" in view of all the good things she did for me. ... The answer I think is that I am fundamentally conservative. First instinct was always not to get hurt, damage limitation always came first. ... I am watching this TV series, which made me think maybe I behaved and treated her badly for not believing in her good intentions, even though I know in the back of my mind, that ultimately she wants what's best for me. ...
Following are more thoughts that I wanted to write down. But they are not going to be very different in sentences and for my own reference anyway *lazy*, so will leave as is.
feelings and thoughts repressed, try not to have them, admonished self
undeniable
+guilt-ridden and self-blame at work from mistakes, incompetence, laziness, weakness in character , ...
100 years from now, none of these will matter
least of all to me, because I will be dead so I don't have to live with myself or whatever I did any more
live like you are dead already (haha)
=> nothing to lose (not doable in practice)
got to help yourself before you can help others
think of myself like a disease (sometimes in the past)
isolate
bound to disappoint
distance