Mind dump - last 6 months
It has been another month since I wrote here last. I have been feeling not that bad lately but today, we went with some friends of Mum (who came to visit her from US) to visit some new people (friends of our guests), and I lied again about my work (that I am working at my old job) and ... I got quite sad when I got home. I guess this, feeling of sadness and uncertainty(fail to express), is part of what one would call progress, though I really can't see there is any.
The idea to organize and structure the main issues/thoughts running through my mind since September last year is a bit too daunting for me, so here's a dump of the main points (that I can remember).
Catch-up summary of the last 6 months:
Self-observation: During my trips in China last year, I remember that sometimes I would smile spontaneously from something (a child, sight, something the guide said, etc), but if I then noticed someone see me smiling, I would look away and/or try to stop smiling. There was also this one time Mum told someone we travel with that I have always been very timid since I was little. This is something I would freely say and even laugh about it if asked, so I was surprised that I was actually upset by it. Later I realized that I was only willing to admit it as a pre-emptive measure so that there would be no need for others to say that about me.
A few weeks after I got back home, it suddenly occurred to me that I have pretty much cut off contact with everyone of my real life friends, and I wasn't really ready for all of the after-effects. This shouldn't be a surprise since I had been consciously doing it (not contacting or replying; short and polite replies if unavoidable), and what I considered to be the consequences would run through my mind before pretty much every one. But still I wasn't prepared how it affected me after I realized. The reason for me to do this is pretty simple, I felt I was being a burden or imposing whenever I took up my friends' time, particularly when I felt that none of them would have like to spend time with me(This requires further explanation, see next paragraph, last 2 sentences specifically). They were just accommodating me and I have nothing to return. Pretty much my whole life has been mostly take and very little give, I would also be partly relieved from this guilt after I ceased contact, so that's another part of the reason for me to do this. I have rarely kept up with more than 5 real life friends on a semi-regular basis, so it wasn't really a big change for me from my point of view. If it wasn't for the fact that all on-line interactions with me are voluntary and that you all live very far away from me, I would probably have ceased contact with all my on-line friends too.
"No one is going to help you but yourself." I briefly mentioned this last year and it is quite central to how I came to the way I am. When I was in high school, I got sick often, about every 2 months. My memory is fuzzy now but for a long time I distinctly remembered that for every time I was sick, Mum would tell me in a harsh voice that no one will help you but yourself; you have got to take care of yourself; if you listened to me, you wouldn't be in this mess. I felt that she basically meant that it was all my fault and she said some other things like I was just creating more work for her and she was angry/frustrated/upset about this unnecessary work/stress. There was also something else which prompted me to train myself so that nothing could be held against me except my own words and actions (this is probably unrelated). Anyway, in hindsight more than 10 years later, what she said was probably due to the combined stress from many aspects of her life then, and she was trying to get me to learn to be more independent. Some background, from the start of migrating to Australia, I felt a great pressure to make friends but I didn't know how to, so I was miserable and alone. There were a lot of times since then when I wished that someone would help me, not only with making friends, but in order to ... I don't know, not do that, I would repeatedly say to myself in my mind that "no one, no one, no one is going to help you, you got only yourself to depend on". Never really out loud, unless when explaining to someone else, but I drilled this into myself for years, still do it sometimes. Mainly because of this, before I was 22, I never saw the need to open up to anyone and hence never open up, no one really knew what I was thinking and feeling inside for the most part (I didn't know either a lot of times), and I almost never asked for help on personal subject matters. Even after I knew that for certain things other people could and would help me with, I still cannot let it go, after drilling it into myself for years. Lately, I have been thinking why I have been drilling myself with this line, particularly when I mentioned to Mum a few years ago she said she could not remember telling me the line (I was incensed then). One reason could be it gave me an out from continuing to interact and try to make friends, with which I felt terrible about myself. ... I don't know, anyway, I forgot what I wanted to get to. *re-reads above* Right, this also meant that I do not and cannot expect other people will help me, and every time someone helps me, it is because of one or more of the following: forced (part of his/her job), they didn't mean it, a whim, an accident, a mistake, once-off, unknown but not going to happen again, general/professional courtesy/politeness, he/she is a good person-they would have help anyone, etc. Basically any reason that removes me from the equation/consideration.
Right, this also partly leads to me holding much less resentment towards Mum. I mean, when I finally step back and take a look more objectively, there was never any heinous act/behaviour that could warrant deep and long-lasting resentment and hatred. Sure she made mistakes and she was not a perfect parent, but nothing and no one is perfect. Going over this should be redundant since it should be obvious, but somehow it was not to me on this section of my past. Writing this out has helped.
We (Mum and I) had been going to see a family therapist last year, though it was mainly for me. But for the last few months I felt it was going nowhere and I was wasting her time (basically everybody is waiting for me to change, including me). So she finally suggested ending our regular appointments December last year and checking on me later. She suggested that I was in depression and recommended medications, but I disagreed. She also let me know of a few resources like job search agency geared to accommodate people with mental health, but I haven't looked up any of the things she pointed out.
When I was younger (in high school), I was a perfectionist and train/set up my mind so that I could not be happy until everything that could be done were done to my satisfaction. I got older and crumbled under the pressure and couldn't be a perfectionist any more, but I think my perfectionist root is still there in that I don't allow myself to be happy a lot. Sometimes I would think to myself someone else in my position could be quite happy but I am not, this may be the stimulus behind the above "discovery" (fuzzy memory).
Now I remembered part of why I haven't been posting. Lately, I suspect that all the wasted time and worrying and everything is basically all over nothing. I am not sure what it's over any more, just that I can't get myself to do some of the simplest things like asking for help with the lawnmower, having a normal conversation with people, fixing my PC, reading self-help books, etc) Actually, I think what I have been doing have been aimed at not thinking about doing these things.
I signed up for the Australian Donor Register this year. There were days that perhaps in order to fill the need to be doing something with my life, I thought about donating a kidney. After all I have plenty of time and my kidney should be in better shape than most donors because of my age. But I read there is a psychological evaluation involved in assessing the donor, so I probably wouldn't pass and off went that idea. I also read that organs of only 1 in 100 people on the donor register list can be transplanted because the donor needs to be hooked up to life support at time of death for organs to be reusable (something like that). I can't remember if I was disappointed to read that, but if all my organs and issues can be reused and donated to somebody else, that is a pretty good return for me. If Mum isn't alive now, if the trade with organs and tissues for my life is possible, I would probably take that trade in a heartbeat. This is all hypothetical of course, but I cannot really think of anything that I want to be alive for. Mum would be inconsolable without me of course, but after she dies, there is really very little for me to live for. This is irresponsible and gutless and every other such terms I could not think of at the moment, but I don't think I have too many illusions of what type of person I am, and I have pretty much accepted this is the kind of person I am. (Ever since I can remember when I was little, Mum was sad(lack of a better word) with the state of her marriage. I remember she said that she didn't want to live too long, 55 years would be enough for her. She was serious I think. So I am not the only one, and shouldn't always think of only me). After so many years, I cannot envision that I or my life will change much. My last aspiration is to have a net gain on society in that I hope from now on, I will spend less money than I earn and have a net plus to contribute to charities or whatever (money being the only tangible measure I can think of). I will probably get a simple, repetitive, low-paying job with not too much responsibility or demand (i.e. guilt and pressure for me), eventually, be alone for most of my life and pass by quietly. This is how I imagine the rest of my life to be. I have found a few things I enjoy and make me smile, so it will be bearable for awhile. I will change with age so don't know what will happen then, but people tend to get used to their environment.
My Dad sent me like a dozen emails regularly on the turn of new year. I didn't read any of them. For a few weeks I was very stressed and troubled by how things are with my Dad (I remember dreaming about it, which is very rare for me), but after life and death stuff above, this paled into insignificance really.
My desire to volunteer and help has waned. I think perhaps it's because I haven't suffered or been stretched these last few months (hiding at home).
In my first 2 years or so, I was afraid to admit these unflattering sides of me and was very conscious not to disclose as I have been doing this past year. I am not sure how it changed, but I can't get myself to read LJ with dedication and desire to learn like I did in my first 2 years, and I am no longer to afraid let my flist know about my "bad sides/qualities". The second change is because I am prepared for the possible loss of my flist.
Sorry about not keeping up with nearly all of you. :(
This took about 4 hours. Most of it was in my head before typing.
Oh, I wanted to link to some quotes too. Here in case I don't write any more about them.
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Helen_Keller
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Bertrand_Russell
Oh right, I am not looking for people to feel sorry for me. Thank you for thinking of me and reading this. I am thankful for the audience you provide because it allows me to express the things cooped up inside me. Typing this out has allowed me to feel at peace.
The idea to organize and structure the main issues/thoughts running through my mind since September last year is a bit too daunting for me, so here's a dump of the main points (that I can remember).
Catch-up summary of the last 6 months:
Self-observation: During my trips in China last year, I remember that sometimes I would smile spontaneously from something (a child, sight, something the guide said, etc), but if I then noticed someone see me smiling, I would look away and/or try to stop smiling. There was also this one time Mum told someone we travel with that I have always been very timid since I was little. This is something I would freely say and even laugh about it if asked, so I was surprised that I was actually upset by it. Later I realized that I was only willing to admit it as a pre-emptive measure so that there would be no need for others to say that about me.
A few weeks after I got back home, it suddenly occurred to me that I have pretty much cut off contact with everyone of my real life friends, and I wasn't really ready for all of the after-effects. This shouldn't be a surprise since I had been consciously doing it (not contacting or replying; short and polite replies if unavoidable), and what I considered to be the consequences would run through my mind before pretty much every one. But still I wasn't prepared how it affected me after I realized. The reason for me to do this is pretty simple, I felt I was being a burden or imposing whenever I took up my friends' time, particularly when I felt that none of them would have like to spend time with me(This requires further explanation, see next paragraph, last 2 sentences specifically). They were just accommodating me and I have nothing to return. Pretty much my whole life has been mostly take and very little give, I would also be partly relieved from this guilt after I ceased contact, so that's another part of the reason for me to do this. I have rarely kept up with more than 5 real life friends on a semi-regular basis, so it wasn't really a big change for me from my point of view. If it wasn't for the fact that all on-line interactions with me are voluntary and that you all live very far away from me, I would probably have ceased contact with all my on-line friends too.
"No one is going to help you but yourself." I briefly mentioned this last year and it is quite central to how I came to the way I am. When I was in high school, I got sick often, about every 2 months. My memory is fuzzy now but for a long time I distinctly remembered that for every time I was sick, Mum would tell me in a harsh voice that no one will help you but yourself; you have got to take care of yourself; if you listened to me, you wouldn't be in this mess. I felt that she basically meant that it was all my fault and she said some other things like I was just creating more work for her and she was angry/frustrated/upset about this unnecessary work/stress. There was also something else which prompted me to train myself so that nothing could be held against me except my own words and actions (this is probably unrelated). Anyway, in hindsight more than 10 years later, what she said was probably due to the combined stress from many aspects of her life then, and she was trying to get me to learn to be more independent. Some background, from the start of migrating to Australia, I felt a great pressure to make friends but I didn't know how to, so I was miserable and alone. There were a lot of times since then when I wished that someone would help me, not only with making friends, but in order to ... I don't know, not do that, I would repeatedly say to myself in my mind that "no one, no one, no one is going to help you, you got only yourself to depend on". Never really out loud, unless when explaining to someone else, but I drilled this into myself for years, still do it sometimes. Mainly because of this, before I was 22, I never saw the need to open up to anyone and hence never open up, no one really knew what I was thinking and feeling inside for the most part (I didn't know either a lot of times), and I almost never asked for help on personal subject matters. Even after I knew that for certain things other people could and would help me with, I still cannot let it go, after drilling it into myself for years. Lately, I have been thinking why I have been drilling myself with this line, particularly when I mentioned to Mum a few years ago she said she could not remember telling me the line (I was incensed then). One reason could be it gave me an out from continuing to interact and try to make friends, with which I felt terrible about myself. ... I don't know, anyway, I forgot what I wanted to get to. *re-reads above* Right, this also meant that I do not and cannot expect other people will help me, and every time someone helps me, it is because of one or more of the following: forced (part of his/her job), they didn't mean it, a whim, an accident, a mistake, once-off, unknown but not going to happen again, general/professional courtesy/politeness, he/she is a good person-they would have help anyone, etc. Basically any reason that removes me from the equation/consideration.
Right, this also partly leads to me holding much less resentment towards Mum. I mean, when I finally step back and take a look more objectively, there was never any heinous act/behaviour that could warrant deep and long-lasting resentment and hatred. Sure she made mistakes and she was not a perfect parent, but nothing and no one is perfect. Going over this should be redundant since it should be obvious, but somehow it was not to me on this section of my past. Writing this out has helped.
We (Mum and I) had been going to see a family therapist last year, though it was mainly for me. But for the last few months I felt it was going nowhere and I was wasting her time (basically everybody is waiting for me to change, including me). So she finally suggested ending our regular appointments December last year and checking on me later. She suggested that I was in depression and recommended medications, but I disagreed. She also let me know of a few resources like job search agency geared to accommodate people with mental health, but I haven't looked up any of the things she pointed out.
When I was younger (in high school), I was a perfectionist and train/set up my mind so that I could not be happy until everything that could be done were done to my satisfaction. I got older and crumbled under the pressure and couldn't be a perfectionist any more, but I think my perfectionist root is still there in that I don't allow myself to be happy a lot. Sometimes I would think to myself someone else in my position could be quite happy but I am not, this may be the stimulus behind the above "discovery" (fuzzy memory).
Now I remembered part of why I haven't been posting. Lately, I suspect that all the wasted time and worrying and everything is basically all over nothing. I am not sure what it's over any more, just that I can't get myself to do some of the simplest things like asking for help with the lawnmower, having a normal conversation with people, fixing my PC, reading self-help books, etc) Actually, I think what I have been doing have been aimed at not thinking about doing these things.
I signed up for the Australian Donor Register this year. There were days that perhaps in order to fill the need to be doing something with my life, I thought about donating a kidney. After all I have plenty of time and my kidney should be in better shape than most donors because of my age. But I read there is a psychological evaluation involved in assessing the donor, so I probably wouldn't pass and off went that idea. I also read that organs of only 1 in 100 people on the donor register list can be transplanted because the donor needs to be hooked up to life support at time of death for organs to be reusable (something like that). I can't remember if I was disappointed to read that, but if all my organs and issues can be reused and donated to somebody else, that is a pretty good return for me. If Mum isn't alive now, if the trade with organs and tissues for my life is possible, I would probably take that trade in a heartbeat. This is all hypothetical of course, but I cannot really think of anything that I want to be alive for. Mum would be inconsolable without me of course, but after she dies, there is really very little for me to live for. This is irresponsible and gutless and every other such terms I could not think of at the moment, but I don't think I have too many illusions of what type of person I am, and I have pretty much accepted this is the kind of person I am. (Ever since I can remember when I was little, Mum was sad(lack of a better word) with the state of her marriage. I remember she said that she didn't want to live too long, 55 years would be enough for her. She was serious I think. So I am not the only one, and shouldn't always think of only me). After so many years, I cannot envision that I or my life will change much. My last aspiration is to have a net gain on society in that I hope from now on, I will spend less money than I earn and have a net plus to contribute to charities or whatever (money being the only tangible measure I can think of). I will probably get a simple, repetitive, low-paying job with not too much responsibility or demand (i.e. guilt and pressure for me), eventually, be alone for most of my life and pass by quietly. This is how I imagine the rest of my life to be. I have found a few things I enjoy and make me smile, so it will be bearable for awhile. I will change with age so don't know what will happen then, but people tend to get used to their environment.
My Dad sent me like a dozen emails regularly on the turn of new year. I didn't read any of them. For a few weeks I was very stressed and troubled by how things are with my Dad (I remember dreaming about it, which is very rare for me), but after life and death stuff above, this paled into insignificance really.
My desire to volunteer and help has waned. I think perhaps it's because I haven't suffered or been stretched these last few months (hiding at home).
In my first 2 years or so, I was afraid to admit these unflattering sides of me and was very conscious not to disclose as I have been doing this past year. I am not sure how it changed, but I can't get myself to read LJ with dedication and desire to learn like I did in my first 2 years, and I am no longer to afraid let my flist know about my "bad sides/qualities". The second change is because I am prepared for the possible loss of my flist.
Sorry about not keeping up with nearly all of you. :(
This took about 4 hours. Most of it was in my head before typing.
Oh, I wanted to link to some quotes too. Here in case I don't write any more about them.
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Helen_Keller
http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/Bertrand_Russell
Oh right, I am not looking for people to feel sorry for me. Thank you for thinking of me and reading this. I am thankful for the audience you provide because it allows me to express the things cooped up inside me. Typing this out has allowed me to feel at peace.