Bones
Title: Bones
Rating: R
Pairings/Characters: Sam/Dean, John, Bobby
Warnings: [For this Chapter:] Angst
Series: Of my Being
Summary:
Sam needs Dean. He can take care of himself...brush his own teeth, tie his own shoes, even feed himself properly if Dean weren't there. But he wouldn't be living, he'd be existing. Sam needs Dean to live, and Dean's too much of a numb skull to give in to what he wants. (This is a bit...dark...I guess, but I needed to write it.)
Bones
- * -
Mothers tell your children
Be quick, you must be strong
Life is full of wonder
Love is never wrong
Remember how they taught you,
how much of it was fear
Refuse to hand it down
The legacy stops here.
Dean sat up on his bed across from Sam's. He was so beautiful, even now in sleep...maybe even more so in his sleep. His brown hair flung out across the pillow and hiding some of his forehead. Dean wants to touch it, but knows he shouldn't. If Sam woke up...how could he explain that?
The moonlight swept down over his body and highlighted the newly shapening muscles of his little brother's body. Sam was no longer a child, he was growing into a young man. His body was a reflection of that inner change, except instead of seeing him as his little brother, Dean was starting to see him as that young man...as something he shouldn't.
Dean sighed and rubbed his eyes. He wasn't getting much sleep these past few nights. When he opened his eyes again, Sam had shifted and was now on his stomach, his hair still fell all over the pillow behind him. He refused to cut it...Dean badgered Sam about it but secretly he hoped Sam never cut it.
Just one touch.
He bit his lip and moved forward a bit, leaning down on one knee, so he could get closer to his brother. As his knee hit the ground a loud creak resounded through the room, and Dean almost aborted. He looked around, stilling his breathing to hear any signs of movement, and after a few moments his mind was satisfied that he hadn't woken either members of the household currently sleeping.
Looking back down, he slowly started to reach out towards the smooth brown locks. They looked like silk on Sam's head, and he badly needed to touch that hair. Would it feel like a girl's? Dean wondered.
Closer and closer he was getting...he was almost there!
"JES-" Dean's yell was cut off by a hand over his mouth, and he was being dragged backwards, away from the beds. His attacker was taller than he, because he was being lifted off the ground and carried out. The door to their bedroom was closed, and then Dean was slammed against the wall.
His eyes snapped immediately to identify his attacker, and met those of his father.
"D-Dad..."
"What. Were. You. Doing, Dean?" venom laced every word.
"I..I was just..."
"Look boy, I'm gonna say this, and say it only once, so you better listen good, you understand me?"
Dean only stared on, trying to numb himself, trying to get over the fact that this moment was happening.
"I SAID DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?" John whispered loudly into his ear, grasping his neck and holding it firmly, almost choking him but not quite.
"Y-yes, s-s-sir." Dean was struggling for air.
"Good. Now I don't know what's going through your mind right now, or even how long this thing has been happening. But if I ever catch you even looking at Sammy the wrong way, I will take you out back and shoot you like a pig. You hear me?"
"Dean?"
Dean looked up from his seat next to Sam's door. He'd only been reliving one of his worst memories...he didn't know what time it was, or how long he'd been like this.
"Dean, Dean Dockers?"
Dean remembered the credit card he'd paid the bill under.
"Yeah, that's me."
"I'm sorry to wake you sir, but we need to know if you had gotten Sam's oral or written consent."
Dean sighed and looked up, shaking his head.
"Sir, we're running out of time...we need to do this, and soon."
"DON'T YOU THINK I KNOW THAT? I would give my soul for him, but because of your rules we can't do anything, because he's got some sort of death wish."
"Have you talked to him about that?"
"When I try to, he gets angry. Clams up."
The nurse gave a speculative look, and then dug around her uniform pockets.
"I know someone who can help you."
"He's not going to listen to that person, if he won't listen to me, so I wouldn't bother."
"Not with Sam's decision, but Mr. Dockers, how do you react when Sam get's angry?"
"I...I get upset with him."
"Exactly. I know someone that can help you dealing with this. Even if you just need to talk things out, I think he could do you some good."
"What you mean like a shrink?"
"He's a therapist, but yes. He can help you sort out your feelings regarding this so that when you see your brother you won't be having yelling matches the whole time."
"I don't like shrinks!" Dean whined.
"Jesus...you're as difficult a patient as your brother. Look, you don't have to go, I'll give you his card. But Dean...if you want to see your brother alive in a few days, then I suggest you try this."
"I'll...Think about it."
The nurse turned on her heel sharply and walked away.
Dean looked at the card.
- * -
Everybody's got a hunger
No matter where they are
Everybody clings to their own fear
Everybody hides some scar
"Mr. Dockers, I presume?"
Dean shifted on his feet before looking up slightly at the man sitting in a chair behind his desk. The room looked lavishly decorated, with awards, placards, certificates hung everywhere.
"Yeah, that's me."
"I take it you've never been to a therapist before?"
"Oh, I have. It's just...the idea of-"
"Pouring your heart out to a total stranger...it's weird for you?"
"Yeah...How'd you know?"
"You're not the first to feel that way."
"Guess not." Dean sat down in front of the doctor, whose name plate read ''Rick''.
"Dean have you ever considered that maybe having someone outside of the situation might give it a new perspective? That a fresh point of view could be helpful, without the bias?"
"I...Well...No I never really thought about it like that. I guess."
"So do you want to stay, or go Mr. Dockers?"
"I can stay."
Rick sat back and smiled. This wasn't going to be too hard he figured...Dean could do this...he'd never see this guy again and before long he and Sam would be blazing out of town, in the impala the way it should be.
Dean hazarded another look at Rick.
"Dean, whatever you say here will be between us. Doctor-patient confidentiality is a policy all good doctors practice."
"I don't know where to start..."
"Try the beginning."
Dean smirked.
"Yeah ok. Well you see...Ever since I was a kid, I've had my best friend with me. Sam. His parents abandoned him when he was little, so I took him in. Me and my father. Anyway, we spent every second of every day together ever since we were little, and we grew up that way. We would do anything for each other. Recently...he's been getting quiet, and he's not talking to me as openly as he used to. I..I would like to say I didn't know why, but I do."
Dean paused.
"Yes, go on."
"He's in love with me."
Dean looked up quickly at Rick to see his response and expected to see disgust written on his features. But all he saw was passive curiousity.
"How did it make you feel to find out he was in love with you?"
"I don't know...I felt a lot of things. He's always felt like a brother to me, you know. So I guess...I felt...weird."
"You're not telling me the whole story, are you?"
"How can you -"
"I'm a therapist Dean. I do this for a living, remember?" Rick smiled. "Are you ready to open up?"
Dean sighed and ran a frustrated hand through his hair.
"When I was younger...my dad caught me watching him sleep...and he threatened me...so I just dropped it. I used to have feelings for him ok?"
Rick cocked his eyebrow, as if to say 'Used to' "
"And I guess I still do. But what my father told me was right!" Dean stood up and paced. "If I were to do this with him, do you know what people would treat us like? We'd alienate our family and friends and we'd have no one else to count on. Even when the rough times were there, we always had family. But if we did this...this thing...then there'd be no going back, ever. Everyone would hate us."
"Do you know this for a fact?"
"Yes..."
"Let's move on, for a moment. Dean how is the dynamic between the two of you?"
"It's...always been good..."
"Until recently?" Rick pushed, gently.
"Yeah. He'd been getting quieter...more reserved. At first I thought he was just pissed at me...but he never stays mad at me that long without blowing up. I'd been watching him closely, and I saw...some marks on his arms. Something was up...well a couple of weeks ago I caught him...masturbating and...heard...heard..."
"Your name?"
"Yeah."
"When you heard him calling your name, how did you feel?"
"I don't know...I was scared. Scared about what this meant I guess. Because everything I'd ever wanted was laying right there for the taking...but I felt like if I took one step to encourage anything, my dad would somehow know and then come and hunt me and shoot me down."
"Dean, I'm recognizing this as what is known as a Conditioned Response to fear. When you start having certain thoughts about Sam, the memories of that night and the threat you recieved stop you from doing anything about your feelings. But what I'm not understanding is, if you know he feels that way about you why didn't you just talk to him? Did you ever even consider telling any of this to him?"
Silence met Rick's question, and they both knew it's answer.
- * -
I can not run
and I can not hide
it came with me
Locked inside.
Outside of Sam's door, Dean knew this was it. Any further attempts on his part after this would not succeed. He needed to do this, for Sam. He needed to save his little brother, and if the only way to do this was to let Sam know all the things he couldn't before, then so be it. He had talked to Rick about this...the importance of this conversation.
- - -
"I didn't think so, Dean. You know what you have to do."
"Doc, it isn't that easy! He won't talk to me. He's fucking stubborn." Dean began pacing.
"It may not be easy Dean, but you have to do it. Make him see that you care for him. Do you?"
"With everything I've got. Every bone in my body, every cell in my blood."
"Then go talk to him, because if he doesn't think you love him, like he loves you, then he doesn't think life's worth living. Make him understand. NOW! Before it's too late!"
- - -
But damn it if Dean thought it was easy, he was wrong.
With one more heavy sigh than really needed, he poised his hand above the knob, and finally turned it to let himself in.
"Sam." It was quiet, a statement.
"Dean." It was curt, but Dean could hear the frailty behind it.
"I've come to talk to you."
"About the transfusion?"
Dean allowed himself a small laugh...there was still defiance in Sam, the old Winchester Stubborn streak.
"No. About me."
"Oh."
Dean pulled a chair up next to Sam's bed and sat down, noting how his brother was trying to hide his suprise.
"Well, what do you want to talk about?"
Sam watched as Dean's mouth opened and closed a few times and then he closed it firmly, determination set in his eyes.
"W-When...when we were younger...you about 13, I was up one night...watching you sleep."
Sam cocked his head to the side, but didn't say anything, waiting for Dean to continue.
"It was your hair...your god damn hair that you refused to cut." Dean's chin quivered and he looked down. "I hated myself Sammy. I disgusted myself. But if I could just have that one touch...If I could just reach out and touch you, then I could survive a lifetime. I figured you'd never know, and I'd just have to have that to keep me goin the rest of my life."
Sam looked about to interrupt, but Dean's gaze pleaded with him to not, not yet.
"I was about to do it...it took me about two hours to get the courage to do it, and I knealt down next to your bed. And you know? If the fucking floor hadn't creaked maybe we wouldn't be having this conversation right now...but uh."
Dean took a shuddering breath.
"Dad caught me. I didn't even hear the son of a bitch come up behind me. He grabbed his hand over my mouth, and carried me out of the room...told me that if I ever touched you, or looked at you wrong, he would take me out back and shoot me...he...h-he strangled me and I passed out."
"Oh my god, Dean.."
Sam's eyes widened as he remembered that brief period of time when Dean wore turtle necks in the summer.
"The sweaters...they were to-"
"Yeah Sammy. They were to cover up the marks."
"I..I didn't know. But Dean...Dad's out of the picture and has been for a while. Why do you keep fighting this?"
"Because," Dean whispered "A part of me thinks that if we do this, then I'm the one responsible, for making you sick. I feel like I'd be letting everyone down...Dad, you, everyone."
"Dean..." Sam's eyes were brimming with uncried tears, and he reached out and cupped Dean's face.
Sam slapped Dean's face. Not too hard, but not lightly either.
"Ow, what the fuck!"
"All this time..."
That was all Sam said before he grabbed the back of Dean's head and their worlds collided in a kiss. They poured everything into that kiss, Sam his apologies, love, adoration, and need. Dean his guilt, love, desire, reluctance, and vulnerability.
Sam could taste their tears mixing together and he stopped to lick the substance off Dean's bottom lip. Their foreheads supported eachother's as they leaned against one another. At first they were catching their breath, but soon Sam started chuckling and looking into Dean's eyes.
Dean was smiling.
His eyes locked with Sam's.
Just smiling.
Something he hadn't done in a long while.
A/N:
Ok, so first of all, I AM going to be continuing my Brave and Crazy story, but these chapters are shorter and easier to write. I'm still not sure about if I like it or not, but I'll continue writing it.
I have a few ideas for Soul, and if after that, you want this 'verse to continue, then let me know I guess. Although I have no idea where the boys would take me after this.
Well...read, review, and enjoy!
loves!
-Fanfic_addict04-