On back to being single, yarn therapy, birthday and where should I go?
So, where should I start??
First, thank you very much for all your comments of support in my last post. I'm not going to put Frank in a bad light here. What he did hurts me pretty bad...nevertheless, I think he deserves some credit still for having been the very first boyfriend who had actually treated me very well in comparison to the others.
So, what happened?
If you've noticed, I haven't been writing much about Frank in details lately. This is probably due to the fact that I've noticed him distancing himself away from me in the past few weeks.
In a nutshell: The main argument from Frank was that I cling to him too much and that I'm a control freak. Yes, I'm guilty on both accounts. I won't deny it. It is my nature to really want to be with my boyfriend all the time....personally, I can take it, but I also know that others are not me and they can't take it.
So, why did I do it?
Because - from my view - Frank never told me anything. I seem to always be the very last person to receive any information about him. I thought that in a relationship, you supposed to be the first to get any information about your partner. And because I didn't get the information, I either keep on asking or I look for it myself. Also, from the first moment that we met, he told me about how his ex always seemed to forget him whenever his ex was having fun. So, I'm the opposite of that....but it seem that it wasn't what Frank wanted either.
If you can remember, you might recall a stupidity on my part on Tuesday last week when Frank was sick. You see, I tried to ring him up but he wouldn't answer he phone. I don't know whether he didn't answer the phone on purpose or not....anyhow, suffice to say that I finally got him on the phone and in the process had waken him up. I had been wanting to talk to him about his distancing himself from me the whole day...and the whole thing was driving me nuts. So, when I finally got him on the phone, I kinda burst and so got Frank angry at me as well.
I finally summed up enough courage to talk to him face-to-face on Thursday when I was with him. However, it seemed I started on the wrong topic and got Frank all angry again...I won't go into details here about that, because it doesn't matter now. What matters however is the fact that I had been asking him many times lately whether everything was all right (in our relationship) and he would always say yes.
That is why the break-up was so sudden for me. I felt it coming but I wouldn't have dreamt it coming the way it did.
On Shrove Tuesday I kind of left Frank to his own element because I felt that I should give him some space. Usually, when I don't contact him at all, then he'd send me a message either via email or text message. However, I gave in and sent him an email....no reply. I didn't send any more emails. Right before I left the house, I sent him a text message asking him to ring me up. No answer. I didn't do anything else. I tried to ring him up after the university, he didn't answer the phone. I went home...still no sign of Frank. I tried ringing him up again...his phone was off. I left a message. No reply. I ended up ringing him two times more and left him messages. By the last call I was already in tears.
Sleep deprived, I went to teach the next morning. I tried to ring Frank up again after the class, the phone rang but he wouldn't answer. By that time I kind of already knew what was going on and was probably deeply bracing myself for the blow that was to come. In the afternoon I couldn't hold it down any longer and tried ringing Frank up again. The phone rang and rang but still no answer. Then he rang me back and that was when all hell broke loose.
According to him, he intentionally didn't answer any of my mails or calls. In the evening he went out with his friends to a restaurant and went home with a guy he picked up at that place. The rest you can think for yourself...I don't want to think about it because it hurts like hell.
Last thing I want to mention on this topic is that Frank had never ever said to me that I should give him some space. Had he only done this, I would have given it to him immediately. I know I can suffocate my partner, I have always done that. But I think it's very unfair that he just broke up with me without giving a chance to prove myself. I don't think that it would be so bad, had he only just broke up with me without having cheated on me. The worst thing here is the fact that he knew my story: That I can cling, that I had been cheated on in my relationship with HWMNBN and that it had left a scar on my soul and my trust in my partner....so I just can't understand why he didn't say anything to me that he would like some space, and why he had to cheat on me at all....
I chatted with Frank last night, surprisingly I'm taking it quite okay....as long as I don't think about his cheating on me. He still is someone who I truely have loved, but with the infidelity, that love is...well, not there anymore. When he broke up with me, I asked him a couple of times whether he wouldn't consider working on this together and give us both a chance. He said no....that we just don't belong to each other. You know, I could've fought with him about that, but I had struggled with the same issue once already for two long years and I just don't have the energy or the nerves to do it any more.
Lastly, this speaks more than all the words I could put down (I was pretty much doing the exact same thing last night and also with the same song):
Bridget Jones's All by myself
And now on to a happier note.....
Sockyarns
Since the beginning of this week, when I really noticed that something was wrong with Frank....well, you knitters out there know what to do in such situation. Yup, I found solace in knitting and in YARN!!!!!
Yes, so I had been acquiring sock yarns the whole week....and please note, I said sock yarns. I'm still on my StAL 2007 yarn diet....I didn't really put down any rules about sock yarns, but as we all know, sock yarns don't count as yarn, right. ;-p
Anyway, the one in the very middle will be for Project Spectrum April/May, since the colours called for are green, yellow and pink...and as you can see, I again could find sock yarn that is exactly in those colours. Am I just not clever? :-p
Universal Toe-up Sock on MagicLoop
Started: 19th February 2007
Finished: WIP
Yarn: Regia Nodic Colour 4-ply sock yarn, colour #5510 "Trondheim"
Needle: 2.5 mm/ US #1/#2 Addi Turbos
Pattern: Universal Toe-up Sock using Magic Cast-On
Now, this was the first sock yarn acquisition from this week...and I had already turned it into a sock. It's the first time I'm doing toe-up and I have to say that I really like how it looks. I think I'll be sticking to this method whenever I can from now on....and maybe I'll be knitting more simple stockinette socks for myself, too....it's just fast and with the universal toe-up sock pattern, the sock fits just perfectly!
Lastly before I go, I have a Tchibo DB return ticket to go anywhere in Germany. Originally this was intended for going to Bonn/Cologne with Frank and his friends in a couple of weeks' time, but following the current situation, I don't think I'll be joining them. The ticket expires on 4th April 2007 and I can't use the tickets on Fridays...so if I were to come for the weekend, it would have to be from Thursday onwards. So, any expat bloggers out there feeling like getting to know me and generous enough to take me in for a weekend? You know how to reach me. If I don't get any offers, then I still have some other options to do with the tickets anyway...so, no worries about that.
Oh, and it's going to be my 25th Birthday on the 3rd March. I know it sounds pathetic, but if you would like to cheer me up, there's always knitting/crochet/yarn related stuff and also my Amazon Wish-List in both English and German. :-p
Well, that's all for now. Hope you guys are doing better than me. Have a great weekend!
Food for the ears (and for the soul):
All By Myself
Jamie O' Neal