make thee another self for love of me (5/6)
Title: make the another self for love of me
Fandom/Pairing: Doctor Who, River/Doctor
Rating: M
Wordcount: 36,853
Warnings: human!AU
Summary: “I’m not getting any younger, am I? And I may never meet a man I want to spend the rest of my life with, let alone raise children with, and even if I do, well it’ll be too late. I’ve always wanted children. And I thought, you know, why wait? I can do it on my own perfectly fine."
River shifted on the bed, frowning in contemplation at her ceiling. John wasn’t home - here, she reminded herself - yet, and she had predictably spent the last week and a half with Amy’s words ringing in her head. Other than that, Amy had shockingly let them alone for the most part. Unless she’d also bothered John and he’d not told her- which was highly likely, actually.
It had been nice to have dinner with their friends and still be able to have all those small intimacies, like John’s hand on her lower back or his fingers laced through hers, or his soft kiss to her temple when she was having a bit of an emotional moment over the dessert Amy had made.
It was nice.
“I just don’t know what to do, baby,” River’s hands stroked her belly as she spoke. She had a pair of low shorts and a vest on that she’d tugged up above the swell. “I should stop using your Daddy like this, I should. He could be happy with someone else. Someone-” she sighed, her hands cradling her stomach as she felt tears prick her eyes just at the thought.
“I don’t want him to find someone else though. I want him to stay with us - and oh god, your Aunt Amy was right. Mummy is in love with him. Oh god. What do I do? Stupid Aunt Amy! It’s going to hurt so much more now when he leaves.” She swallowed and sniffled, fighting back tears. Lord, she couldn’t lose it over this - he had enough to deal with without arriving here and finding her a sobbing mess. Again.
“Maybe... maybe your aunt Amy is right about everything,” she felt her heart lift even as she hesitantly voiced the words. “Maybe he doesn’t love Mummy the same way right now, but he loves me. And he most certainly loves you. What if I could convince him? To stay?” River whispered aloud and felt a lightness in her chest at the thought. She, and this baby and John - just always together. Dinners and bath times and rocking together, first steps and running and dance recitals and school - all of it with him not just standing beside her but with her. His hand in hers, his arms, his mouth - she felt a tiny flutter within her and she smiled. She felt it again and gasped.
“Oh my god, baby, is that you?” She pressed her hand over her belly and felt the flutter again, more insistent this time. It felt like someone tickling her under water, gentle fluttering waves and she beamed, looking down and hardly moving for fear that it would stop. “Oh my god!”
She heard the door open and shut, but she didn’t move. Normally she would greet John at the door, her mouth on his and her arms wrapped around him as his hands skated over her skin like he’d been gone for days instead of hours. “River?!” she heard him call out, but she couldn’t answer, she didn’t want to scare the baby - could they get scared by things like that? - and if anything the fluttering seemed to increase as his voice called out her name again. He came to the doorway, a panicked look on his face and he gasped upon seeing her on the bed. “Jesus Christ, River - you scared the shit out of me - what’s - are you okay?”
River smiled over at him, beaming as he sat himself on the edge of the bed. “I can feel her,” she whispered and he frowned before his eyes dropped to her stomach and he looked up, a brilliant grin on his face.
“Really?!” She nodded and he clambered onto the bed beside her, his body lower than hers so he could press his face by her hip. “Hello, baby,” he crooned to her belly and she felt the fluttering again, causing her to giggle.
“She did it again - she likes your voice, I think,” River laughed and he bit his lip, his hand lacing through hers over her stomach.
“Alright, well I’m not going to lie to you baby, I’m a bit jealous right now. Mummy gets to feel you in there and I won’t for a bit, so that’s not very cool. On the other hand this means you get to tickle Mummy from the inside and remind her all the time that she’s not ever alone, even when I’m not around, and that’s very cool. So you keep that up, yeah? And I love you, so so much.” He pressed soft kisses all over her belly as she watched him with tear filled eyes. She wanted those words to be for her, so desperately. “I can’t wait to see you.”
She swallowed, lifting her other hand and pushing it through his hair, stroking him softly as she watched him. When he looked up and her eyes met his, he beamed at her with such joy she couldn’t help but smile back. He pressed one last kiss to her belly before moving up to kiss her softly, his eyes warm with joy. She kissed him back, her hand in his hair and their hands still tangled together over their child and she knew.
She would convince him to stay.
She had to.
There was no other option.
Underneath their hands, the baby tickled against her skin, as if in agreement.
xx
“So do you guys want in on the pool?” Amy and Rory looked at them across the table and River rolled her eyes as John laughed. She watched him fondly, looking up to see Amy watching her with an arched brow and a smug grin. She glared, sitting up straighter before addressing Rory.
“We don’t even know if we’re going to find out yet,” she protested and Rory laughed.
“You want to know. He doesn’t. Let me think - in a fair fight, such as this, who usually gets her way? Oh right. And it’s not even fair - all you have to do it get a bit weepy and he’ll cave, we all know it. We are so learning that baby’s sex today,” he nodded at Amy who shoulder bumped him. “I’ve got twenty quid on a boy.”
“Ha! As if. She is clearly having a girl,” Amy boasted and Rory mocked her, pulling a face as she punched his shoulder. “You are so lucky I love you,” she muttered and he grinned, leaning over to kiss her.
“Always,” he spoke softly and River watched them with a smile.
“And I can’t believe you won’t even let us come out and celebrate the news with you!” Amy pouted and Rory looked at the Doctor, panicked as River bit her lip. A week ago John had explained that Rory was finally planning on popping the question. River had been ecstatic, but John had pointed out he needed their help since their scan fell on the same day he’d planned for.
“Sorry, Pond. I just want some time alone with River. It’s not like we’ve not shared every other celebration with you,” he pointed out with a sigh, leaning back and wrapping an arm around River, pulling her in close. “We’ll meet for breakfast and give you the news then. You guys can even come by River’s.”
“Oh inviting people over now are we? Sort of like you live there?” Amy mocked him and he scowled at her.
“Not people, Pond, just you.” River laughed at that, shaking her head.
“Honestly you two, stop it,” she scolded them and Amy had the grace to look apologetic, while the Doctor simply stuck his tongue out at her. River elbowed him and he grunted in surprise. “Stop.”
“Fine, sorry,” he grumbled, leaning over and kissing her briefly.
“Yes well, I have twenty quarts of water in me, and am not in the mood for you right now,” she complained and he rolled his eyes.
“It’s not twenty quarts-”
“Listen when you have a full bladder and a baby dancing on top of it - then you get to complain about my exaggeration. Until that day? Shut it,” she warned him with a glare as Amy laughed from across the table and River took another sip of water, pulling a face. She hated water.
Well. Not normally, but she had to drink it all morning and not go to the loo, so for today, she’d never hated anything more in her life. “Oh she is tetchy, isn’t she?” Rory teased and River turned her glare on him. He paled and the Doctor sat back, lifting his hands in a surrendering gesture, clearly grateful it wasn’t him. “Right, sorry, don’t know what I was thinking. I’ll just- just... shut it.” Rory stammered out an apology as Amy glared at him.
“You numpty!” she smacked him lightly before turning back to River. “Okay fine, but I will be there disgustingly early, fair warning.”
“Do you even know how to function before noon on a weekend honey?” River teased and Amy glared.
“Yes! Okay sometimes. Not that often, but I can and I will.” Amy pointed at them both as the Doctor laughed softly beside River. “Just you watch.”
xx
A few hours later found she and John ensconced in a tiny cubicle at the hospital, River wriggling around, desperate to go to the loo, and John watching her sympathetically. “Is it really that bad?”
“Yes!” River snapped, her hand tightening around his. “If the bloody technician doesn’t get here soon I am going to shove that sonogram wand up their ruddy-”
“River,” John hissed, his hand tightening on hers as she glared at him. A throat cleared in the doorway and a young woman stood there with a grin, clipboard in hand. River winced apologetically.
“Oh god, I am so sorry-”
“Oh, don’t even worry about it - I get it all the time. Not - not that anyone has ever followed through - that would be terrible wouldn’t it?” She scampered into the room, skirting the table and turning on the machine beside them. “I’m sure you’re very uncomfortable, so I’ll explain as quick as I can. This is the gel, goes on your tummy - this is the wand, we see baby. I have to take a bunch of set measurements, things like brain size and heart size and well, all the vital organs basically - I need to take images of the amniotic fluid to be sure all that is okay. You’ll notice next to none of this, because you and Daddy will be far too busy looking at your baby. Finally, I’ll check the sexual organs, so you both need to tell me if you want to know or not.”
“We don’t want to know,” River spoke just as John did.
“We want to know.” He turned at the sound of her voice and they stared at each other. “You said you wanted to know!” He smiled and she gripped his hands.
“I know. And I do. But you wanted a surprise and you’ve been so amazing, I thought - it’s not going to kill me to not know, really. And you ask for so little-” she protested and he shook his head with a soft smile, leaning over to kiss her softly. She smiled in return. So far her decision to convince him to stay had amounted to absolutely nothing. She really wasn’t sure how to go about it. Loving him was easy, but convincing him to fall in love with her, on the other hand, seemed almost insurmountable. She’d tried being a bit less hormonal and demanding - honestly who’s going to fall in love with a cranky fat woman who kept demanding things? - but sometimes things just happened without her consent. Words just popped out of her mouth, or tears just sprang to her eyes. She was a mess.
“You are amazing, River Song,” he smiled down at her and turned back to the technician. “We want to know the sex.”
“Are you sure John?” River gripped his hand harder as the technician draped tissue over her skirt, pulling it down and tucking it into the waist band before she lifted her shirt and did the same.
“Yes, I’m sure, it’s still a surprise. We should not tell Pond though,” he grinned and River rolled her eyes.
“You are terrible,” she scolded as the technician squeezed warm gel onto her stomach and picked up the wand.
“Ready Mum and Dad?” she asked with a smile and swung the monitor around so they would have to strain to see it. She pressed the wand to River’s belly, pushing down. It was a bit uncomfortable, but a familiar whooshing filled the room and John’s hand squeezed hers as the technician smiled at the screen. “And there’s baby.”
They both peered at the screen intently. It wasn’t much, grey on black on white on more grey but she could see parts moving and she gasped. “This,” the technician highlighted a small dark spot with the mouse, clicking to take an image with a beep, “is the heart,” she moved the mouse around the outline. “Head, and shoulders, arms and legs, and oh - well. Are we sure we want to know? Baby is being highly cooperative at the moment,” she smiled across at them but neither River nor John noticed, both staring at the screen in awe.
“Yes please,” River finally answered her in an excited voice and the technician laughed.
“You have a little girl.”
River felt her heart squeeze in her chest and tears filled her eyes as she stared at the screen with wonder. “Oh my god, she’s really real.” On the screen they could see the baby rolling and twisting and when River glanced at John his eyes were glued to the screen, tears to match her own pooled in them.
“Can you feel all of that - holy - I mean look at her go. She’s amazing,” he breathed the words out, his hands laced with hers painfully tightly. “Look at those legs River! She’ll be a footballer for sure,” he grinned and looked down at her as she beamed back.
“You’re not upset it’s a girl?” she asked in a whisper as the technician continued taking images. He gaped at her, laughing and shaking his head fiercely.
“Are you bloody kidding me River? Look at her - she’s perfect. Oh god, she can have your hair and your eyes and your - well, let’s be frank, your everything, I’m a train wreck. She’s going to be so beautiful. Our little girl, River. God I really hope she has your hair.” He grinned at her, leaning down and kissing her softly as she laughed.
“You are not a train wreck, sweetie. I happen to love your face,” she spoke in a whisper, her eyes glued to the screen once more. He made an inarticulate noise in the back of his throat and they both stared at the screen in awe. River kept stealing glances at him, staring with unabashed joy and love at the image of their daughter on the screen. She moved around and flipped and rolled, and they both watched, hands clasped and absolutely in love.
River just hoped and prayed that it was a feeling she could help him transfer over to her.
xx
She frowned at herself in the mirror, pulling the loose skirt tighter and staring down at her protruding stomach. At twenty-four weeks now, everything had changed. And other things... not so much. She was waiting for Amy to come over - she was in full on wedding planning mode now, having been in a state of planning bliss since Rory proposed nearly a month ago. Which was very good for River, because it meant Amy didn’t have the time to be nosing into River and John’s relationship.
Or lack thereof.
River sighed, dropping her skirt and frowning. It wasn’t that she and John weren’t still intimate, they were. The sex was possibly better than she’d ever had in her life, and she couldn’t quite decide if it was the pregnancy or John or a combination of both. “Probably both,” she murmured to her belly, moving down the hall and stroking softly as the baby rolled comfortingly under her palm.
John still hadn’t felt her move yet - she wasn’t strong enough to make her presence known, but she moved almost constantly - and River loved every moment of it. She talked to the baby all the time, John did too when he was here. He would kiss her belly and tell the as yet unnamed baby how much he loved her. He’d brought River several volumes of poetry and the complete works of Shakespeare and Austen just last week. He’d said they’d be reading inane children’s books soon enough, they should read her worthwhile things that don’t rhyme while they could. River had simply laughed and asked what sort of poetry didn’t rhyme, and he’d held up e.e. cummings and lifted his brows.
“We’re going to bake for Aunt Amy, since she always needs the sugar when planning,” River spoke to the baby as she pulled things out of the cupboards. She began mixing the ingredients for apple crumble together as she hummed and thought on her situation.
Try as she might - and oh lord she was trying - she couldn’t seem to get John to look at her any differently. He cared about her, she knew. He fetched her ice cream at inane hours, he’d not said anything when she’d sat down one night with an economy sized jar of pickles and ate the whole thing, only to be sick afterward as he’d held her hair and rubbed her back and made her tea. He always made sure she had milk, and custard and god help her, fish fingers. She also loved custard on fishcakes, and he simply dipped biscuits in the custard on the table and grinned at her. He rubbed her feet and legs, he drew her baths, he sang silly songs to the baby, and to her when she was particularly grumpy. He watched whatever films she wanted (though she was more likely to pick action or horror lately much to his delight. Anything else made her weep. She’d sobbed through I am Legend two days ago and he’d muttered about there being some sort of rule about no crying in zombie films), he researched birthing methods and interesting articles on the internet. He was basically, perfect.
But she couldn’t seem to get him to look at her and see a life partner, and not just his best friend who he happened to like shagging. He just... looked at her the same as he always had done, and she was getting frustrated by it all and increasingly desired to just tell him.
But the idea of telling him how she felt was absolutely terrifying. She was worried, and afraid that he would tell her he didn’t feel the same way. “Oh your Mummy is ridiculous, honey,” she pressed the crumble over the apples before bending awkwardly and sliding it into the hot oven.
“I have told you to call me for help with that,” his voice was a murmur in her ear as she stood, his arms sliding around her, cradling her stomach as he pressed his mouth against the side of her neck, kissing her softly.
“I can still bend over, for goodness sakes. As you well know,” she turned in his arms after making a note of the time and he grinned down at her his hands moving to her lower back as he rubbed small circles there. She leaned into him a bit, moaning.
“Yeah, I do know,” he chuckled into her hair and she hummed as he rubbed at her lower back and hips. “More planning today? How long should I hide for?”
“She’ll be here in about an hour, and I’m not sure,” she sighed softly, wrapping her arms around his waist as she pushed into him as closely as she could, what with her stomach in the way.
“Tell Pond I don’t like it, all this wedding planning is distracting you. We have to figure out a name for the poppet and you have to direct me about the nursery,” he pouted and she laughed, leaning her head back to look up at him.
“Don’t be daft - we have plenty of time for that,” she shook her head and he exaggerated his pout even more. She laughed, one hand gripping his ridiculous bow tie and tugging him down until she could kiss him, nibbling on that lower lip as his hands tightened on her back. He moaned, his mouth opening over hers as he kissed her back, and she slid her tongue along his with a hum. She licked at the inside of his mouth, and he pulled her closer.
“An hour, you say?”
“Crumble only takes twenty minutes to cook, sweetie,” she apologised as he kissed his way down her neck. He pulled away suddenly, opening the oven and grabbing pot holders to pull the baking dish out. He shut the oven again and turned toward her with a grin.
“You can put it in before she gets here, it’s better still warm, anyway.” He grinned as his hands stroked over her belly softly.
“So many things are sweetie,” she laughed and he growled in the back of his throat. “I can think of a few.”
“Good lord, what are you doing to me River Song? Everything about you right now,” he pressed kisses along her throat, down to her collarbones where he licked, his hands sliding up to palm her breasts gently as she moaned, her hands clutching at his shoulders for support. “Your voice, your hair, how you smile - god I can hardly look at you lately without being turned on.”
She cradled his face in her hands, pulling him up to kiss him as they stumbled back down the hall. He moaned into her mouth as her tongue intertwined with his, and she hummed in appreciation. His hands roamed her body, pulling back long enough to skim her top over her head as they entered the bedroom, and she tugged at his bow tie, swiftly unbuttoning his shirt and sliding her hands underneath, nails curling into his skin and scratching lightly as he hissed.
Their clothes were shed swiftly in between kisses and sighs, and his hands never stopped mapping her body as she moaned. She lay back on the bed, on her side with her arms around him as she pressed against him. One leg hooked over his knee as he gripped her hips, nibbling on her throat and nuzzling aside her hair to scatter kisses across her shoulders.
“John,” she gasped impatiently as his hands slid up to cup her breasts, fingers brushing softly over the sensitive peaks. “Oh god, sweetie, please, just - need you,” she moaned, her hips circling over his but he kept her at a distance.
“So impatient River, honestly. Can’t a man savour the moment?”
“Savour it afterward,” she grumbled but didn’t resist as his head lowered, and he kissed his way down her body. He paused to lick lightly at her breasts - they were so sensitive now he didn’t dare linger, and she gasped, twisting beside him as he dropped a kiss to her hip, and then the top of her thigh.
“Eager, are we Miss Song?” he breathed the words out over her, and the air stirred over her heated flesh as she whimpered.
“God, John, please,” she moaned the words and her fingers curled into the duvet, since she couldn’t reach him any longer. He grinned at her, his hand lifting her leg before he leaned forward, his nose brushing along her clit as she whimpered.
“Oh you are delicious, River,” he whispered into her skin just before he licked along her with the flat of his tongue, slipping in and out of all the right spots as she hummed in approval above him. She pressed her hips up as his tongue slid within her, licking and curling as his hands reached above to pinch at her clit, twisting tightly. He curled his tongue just so, twisting his fingers and she shook from the intensity of her building orgasm as she lost track of time.
“Oh god, just - more - John!” she gasped and sat up slightly, unable to keep still as his fingers slid over the sensitive bundle of nerves repeatedly, increasing in pressure as he moaned, the sound vibrating into her. “Oh god,” she stiffened, her back arched and hips thrust into his face as the pressure burst within her and he lapped at her gently as she rode out the wave of pleasure. He moved slowly, kissing his way up her body, but as soon as he was within reach she hauled him up to her level, kissing him ravenously, licking at him and sucking his tongue into her own mouth with a moan.
She wrapped her leg around his narrow hips, sliding her still soaked sex along his erection as he groaned, breaking away from her with a gasp. “Christ, sweetheart, you feel so god damn amazing,” he pressed his face into her hair as he shifted his hips in frustration. Facing her as he was, there was no way for him to move around her belly and he groaned. “Turn over love,” she complied almost as soon as he spoke, rolling onto her other side and pressing her arse against his erection eagerly. He moaned, lifting her leg with his hand as he pressed his chest against her back, sliding within her and pulling her hair aside with his other hand so he could press soft kisses to the side of her neck. “That okay?”
“Oh god, yes, move John,” she moaned, her head tossed back and pressing into his shoulder. He chuckled, but complied with her demands, his hips moving forward and pulling back, surging and receding within her as she shifted the angle of her hips to allow him more depth.
“I’ll never get over how amazing you feel, River. So full, so lush,” his hand left her thigh and danced up over her belly and breasts. “So gorgeous,” he moaned the words into her ear and she shivered against him, her muscles tightening and nipples hardening as she felt a tingling spill across her skin.
“John,” she panted his name over and over again, finishing that sentence in her head each time. I love you. His hips snapped into her, thrusting higher and deeper as her cries grew sharper. His hand slid down over the swell of her stomach gently, slipping between her legs to press and flick at her clit as he thrust, and she felt everything tighten in anticipation as she threw her head back with a loud moan. Everything stilled for a moment as he thrust sharply up one, his face pressing into her hair as he moaned her name and she fell apart, feeling the waves of her own orgasm undulate through her.
Afterward they lay, tangled and still breathing heavy on the sheets. Once he recovered, he slipped out of her, running into the washroom to wet a small facecloth with warm water before he came back in, wiping her down tenderly and settling the cloth aside as she kissed him. “I’m going to miss you today,” he whispered into her hair and she laughed softly.
“You’ll only be gone for a few hours, you ridiculous man.”
“Still,” he pulled back with a pout before sliding down the bed, and kissing the swell of her stomach. “If you called Pond and cancelled we could just lay here like this all afternoon. Much better than silly old wedding planning, isn’t that right poppet?” He kissed her belly, laying his face on the side of it gently as she stroked a hand through his hair, smiling down at him indulgently. Just then she felt a soft kick - the baby did love to kick and move more whenever John was around and talking to her and River smiled.
John gasped, lifting his head and staring down at her belly in wonder before looking at her, shocked. “I think I - did she just kick you?”
“Yes,” River looked at him with a grin. “Did you just feel it?” He giggled, looking up at her with a look of pure joy on his face, his eyes shining as he nodded, speechless. “Oh my god, John. Do it again. Talk to her - she loves it when you do - she always moves more. Come on, come on!” She insisted with a bright laugh and he looked back down at her belly, lowering his head and pressing a soft kiss to the spot he’d just been resting on.
“Hello poppet, are you saying hi to Daddy?” he whispered the words into her skin and River held her breath as they waited. “I love you,” he added and then - there - a small kick in the same spot and tears filled his eyes as he looked up at her. “Hello, baby!”
River pressed a hand to her mouth as she watched him, her smile tremulous as he giggled again. “Oh god, this is great! You can feel her.”
“Oh my god River, she’s amazing.” He lifted his head, putting his hand over her belly and another small kick came as he laughed, sliding up the bed, his hand still in place as he kissed River, the smile never leaving his mouth. “You’re amazing. River,” he looked at her seriously and she smiled up at him brightly. “I thought I’d be alone always, you know. I mean, I knew I had my friends - you and Amy and Rory but I never... never thought I’d ever have this. Thank you, so much. You didn’t have to let me do this with you, but you did and I am so - so privileged to be her father. And I’m going to be the best, I promise. I will take care of her, and you, and I’ll never ever let anything happen-”
“Oh sweetie, of course you won’t. You’re going to be a fantastic father. She loves you, already, she does. And even if we never had her, John - you were never alone,” she pressed her hands to his face looking at him seriously as their daughter continued to roll and move underneath his hand. “Not ever,” she shook her head and he stared down at her.
“It’s not the same. Friends - it’s not the same as family River. She’s a gift, and you gave that to me, and I-” his voice choked up a bit at that and she stared up at him, with tears in her eyes.
“It is the same John, you absolute idiot. Blood doesn’t make a family, love does. And Amy and Rory are as much my family as she is, or as you are. People like us, sweetie - people on their own - we have to create our own families. And you did. And she and you and I - we’ll be our own small family within the larger one we’ve already made. And that’s never going to go away, honey. She’ll always love you. I’ll always love you.” He looked down at that, fighting tears as he sniffled and shook his head.
He mumbled something and she pressed her palm to his cheek, forcing his eyes up to hers as she looked at him in question. He sighed and bit his lip, looking terrified. “Not the way I want,” he repeated more clearly, his voice still soft and she gasped.
Her breath caught in her throat as she stared at him. “How do you want me to love you?” she asked, swallowing heavily and he shifted, his hand still warm on her skin as he shook his head, unable to answer. Her heart hammered in her chest and she bit her lip, feeling ill. She had to - this was an opportunity. Now or never. But should she? A swift kick from the baby seemed to be an answer to her unasked question. “Because I don’t think I can love you any more than I do right now. Completely, John. Totally - oh god, I love you so much, it scares me. And I’m terrified of losing everything, even though I don’t really have it at all. Stupidly scared that some prettier, thinner, younger woman is going to come along and realise how magnificent you are, and I’ll have to just watch that happen, because it’s what I agreed to.”
His mouth was open as he stared at her in shock. She swallowed, feeling her stomach roll in a way that had nothing to do with her daughter and she licked her lips nervously as he continued to gape at her. “Are you - are you saying that - what I think you’re saying?”
“No! Wait, yes. Maybe?” she whispered faintly and he stared, the corners of his mouth curling up slowly.
“I’ve been in love with you since the day I met you, River. The - the moment I saw you, I knew. I tried to figure out how to meet you or get to know you, but I couldn’t until Amy and Rory and that account came along. And then - and then I thought I’d work my way up to it, you know? But you were never interested - you never saw me as anything other than flirty and not to be taken seriously John. And I was scared of losing all of you if I messed that up. So I just... didn’t do anything. And when you said you wanted to do this - I thought - I thought it was a way to have you. To- to-” he stopped and she stared at him breathlessly for a moment before leaning down to kiss him. His hands moved up to cradle her face as he kissed her back, his tongue wrapping around hers as she moaned. She poured every ounce of love she felt into that kiss, like she could crawl inside of him and never come out again, and she thought - what with the way her heart was caught in her throat - that part of her might have done just that. Crawled into his chest and settled there, right next to his own heart.
“You - oh god I’m an idiot-” she gasped as she pulled back and he pushed forward, kissing her again.
“No, you’re perfect, and I love you,” he whispered the words into her mouth and she grinned, laughter bubbling through her.
“I love you too, so much, sweetie. Oh god - I’ve been such an idiot. All this time I’ve been waiting for you to look at me differently when you didn’t need to - because you already felt the same.” He kissed her again, smiling fondly and pulling back to slide his hands down over her belly, where the baby kicked reassuringly and he grinned.
“I think she approves,” he beamed and she kissed him once more.
“Oh shit - I need my phone!” she exclaimed and he frowned in confusion.
“Mid a few pretty huge moments here, River, and you need your phone?” He scoffed and she laughed in delight.
“To call Amy. To cancel. Because there is no way I am doing anything but ensuring you stay naked and we make up for six months worth of I love you’s today.” He beamed up at her at her words, his whole face lighting up and she surged upward to kiss her.
“I bloody love you,” he murmured against her lips and she smiled, kissing him back.
“I know.”
(6/6)
Fandom/Pairing: Doctor Who, River/Doctor
Rating: M
Wordcount: 36,853
Warnings: human!AU
Summary: “I’m not getting any younger, am I? And I may never meet a man I want to spend the rest of my life with, let alone raise children with, and even if I do, well it’ll be too late. I’ve always wanted children. And I thought, you know, why wait? I can do it on my own perfectly fine."
River shifted on the bed, frowning in contemplation at her ceiling. John wasn’t home - here, she reminded herself - yet, and she had predictably spent the last week and a half with Amy’s words ringing in her head. Other than that, Amy had shockingly let them alone for the most part. Unless she’d also bothered John and he’d not told her- which was highly likely, actually.
It had been nice to have dinner with their friends and still be able to have all those small intimacies, like John’s hand on her lower back or his fingers laced through hers, or his soft kiss to her temple when she was having a bit of an emotional moment over the dessert Amy had made.
It was nice.
“I just don’t know what to do, baby,” River’s hands stroked her belly as she spoke. She had a pair of low shorts and a vest on that she’d tugged up above the swell. “I should stop using your Daddy like this, I should. He could be happy with someone else. Someone-” she sighed, her hands cradling her stomach as she felt tears prick her eyes just at the thought.
“I don’t want him to find someone else though. I want him to stay with us - and oh god, your Aunt Amy was right. Mummy is in love with him. Oh god. What do I do? Stupid Aunt Amy! It’s going to hurt so much more now when he leaves.” She swallowed and sniffled, fighting back tears. Lord, she couldn’t lose it over this - he had enough to deal with without arriving here and finding her a sobbing mess. Again.
“Maybe... maybe your aunt Amy is right about everything,” she felt her heart lift even as she hesitantly voiced the words. “Maybe he doesn’t love Mummy the same way right now, but he loves me. And he most certainly loves you. What if I could convince him? To stay?” River whispered aloud and felt a lightness in her chest at the thought. She, and this baby and John - just always together. Dinners and bath times and rocking together, first steps and running and dance recitals and school - all of it with him not just standing beside her but with her. His hand in hers, his arms, his mouth - she felt a tiny flutter within her and she smiled. She felt it again and gasped.
“Oh my god, baby, is that you?” She pressed her hand over her belly and felt the flutter again, more insistent this time. It felt like someone tickling her under water, gentle fluttering waves and she beamed, looking down and hardly moving for fear that it would stop. “Oh my god!”
She heard the door open and shut, but she didn’t move. Normally she would greet John at the door, her mouth on his and her arms wrapped around him as his hands skated over her skin like he’d been gone for days instead of hours. “River?!” she heard him call out, but she couldn’t answer, she didn’t want to scare the baby - could they get scared by things like that? - and if anything the fluttering seemed to increase as his voice called out her name again. He came to the doorway, a panicked look on his face and he gasped upon seeing her on the bed. “Jesus Christ, River - you scared the shit out of me - what’s - are you okay?”
River smiled over at him, beaming as he sat himself on the edge of the bed. “I can feel her,” she whispered and he frowned before his eyes dropped to her stomach and he looked up, a brilliant grin on his face.
“Really?!” She nodded and he clambered onto the bed beside her, his body lower than hers so he could press his face by her hip. “Hello, baby,” he crooned to her belly and she felt the fluttering again, causing her to giggle.
“She did it again - she likes your voice, I think,” River laughed and he bit his lip, his hand lacing through hers over her stomach.
“Alright, well I’m not going to lie to you baby, I’m a bit jealous right now. Mummy gets to feel you in there and I won’t for a bit, so that’s not very cool. On the other hand this means you get to tickle Mummy from the inside and remind her all the time that she’s not ever alone, even when I’m not around, and that’s very cool. So you keep that up, yeah? And I love you, so so much.” He pressed soft kisses all over her belly as she watched him with tear filled eyes. She wanted those words to be for her, so desperately. “I can’t wait to see you.”
She swallowed, lifting her other hand and pushing it through his hair, stroking him softly as she watched him. When he looked up and her eyes met his, he beamed at her with such joy she couldn’t help but smile back. He pressed one last kiss to her belly before moving up to kiss her softly, his eyes warm with joy. She kissed him back, her hand in his hair and their hands still tangled together over their child and she knew.
She would convince him to stay.
She had to.
There was no other option.
Underneath their hands, the baby tickled against her skin, as if in agreement.
xx
“So do you guys want in on the pool?” Amy and Rory looked at them across the table and River rolled her eyes as John laughed. She watched him fondly, looking up to see Amy watching her with an arched brow and a smug grin. She glared, sitting up straighter before addressing Rory.
“We don’t even know if we’re going to find out yet,” she protested and Rory laughed.
“You want to know. He doesn’t. Let me think - in a fair fight, such as this, who usually gets her way? Oh right. And it’s not even fair - all you have to do it get a bit weepy and he’ll cave, we all know it. We are so learning that baby’s sex today,” he nodded at Amy who shoulder bumped him. “I’ve got twenty quid on a boy.”
“Ha! As if. She is clearly having a girl,” Amy boasted and Rory mocked her, pulling a face as she punched his shoulder. “You are so lucky I love you,” she muttered and he grinned, leaning over to kiss her.
“Always,” he spoke softly and River watched them with a smile.
“And I can’t believe you won’t even let us come out and celebrate the news with you!” Amy pouted and Rory looked at the Doctor, panicked as River bit her lip. A week ago John had explained that Rory was finally planning on popping the question. River had been ecstatic, but John had pointed out he needed their help since their scan fell on the same day he’d planned for.
“Sorry, Pond. I just want some time alone with River. It’s not like we’ve not shared every other celebration with you,” he pointed out with a sigh, leaning back and wrapping an arm around River, pulling her in close. “We’ll meet for breakfast and give you the news then. You guys can even come by River’s.”
“Oh inviting people over now are we? Sort of like you live there?” Amy mocked him and he scowled at her.
“Not people, Pond, just you.” River laughed at that, shaking her head.
“Honestly you two, stop it,” she scolded them and Amy had the grace to look apologetic, while the Doctor simply stuck his tongue out at her. River elbowed him and he grunted in surprise. “Stop.”
“Fine, sorry,” he grumbled, leaning over and kissing her briefly.
“Yes well, I have twenty quarts of water in me, and am not in the mood for you right now,” she complained and he rolled his eyes.
“It’s not twenty quarts-”
“Listen when you have a full bladder and a baby dancing on top of it - then you get to complain about my exaggeration. Until that day? Shut it,” she warned him with a glare as Amy laughed from across the table and River took another sip of water, pulling a face. She hated water.
Well. Not normally, but she had to drink it all morning and not go to the loo, so for today, she’d never hated anything more in her life. “Oh she is tetchy, isn’t she?” Rory teased and River turned her glare on him. He paled and the Doctor sat back, lifting his hands in a surrendering gesture, clearly grateful it wasn’t him. “Right, sorry, don’t know what I was thinking. I’ll just- just... shut it.” Rory stammered out an apology as Amy glared at him.
“You numpty!” she smacked him lightly before turning back to River. “Okay fine, but I will be there disgustingly early, fair warning.”
“Do you even know how to function before noon on a weekend honey?” River teased and Amy glared.
“Yes! Okay sometimes. Not that often, but I can and I will.” Amy pointed at them both as the Doctor laughed softly beside River. “Just you watch.”
xx
A few hours later found she and John ensconced in a tiny cubicle at the hospital, River wriggling around, desperate to go to the loo, and John watching her sympathetically. “Is it really that bad?”
“Yes!” River snapped, her hand tightening around his. “If the bloody technician doesn’t get here soon I am going to shove that sonogram wand up their ruddy-”
“River,” John hissed, his hand tightening on hers as she glared at him. A throat cleared in the doorway and a young woman stood there with a grin, clipboard in hand. River winced apologetically.
“Oh god, I am so sorry-”
“Oh, don’t even worry about it - I get it all the time. Not - not that anyone has ever followed through - that would be terrible wouldn’t it?” She scampered into the room, skirting the table and turning on the machine beside them. “I’m sure you’re very uncomfortable, so I’ll explain as quick as I can. This is the gel, goes on your tummy - this is the wand, we see baby. I have to take a bunch of set measurements, things like brain size and heart size and well, all the vital organs basically - I need to take images of the amniotic fluid to be sure all that is okay. You’ll notice next to none of this, because you and Daddy will be far too busy looking at your baby. Finally, I’ll check the sexual organs, so you both need to tell me if you want to know or not.”
“We don’t want to know,” River spoke just as John did.
“We want to know.” He turned at the sound of her voice and they stared at each other. “You said you wanted to know!” He smiled and she gripped his hands.
“I know. And I do. But you wanted a surprise and you’ve been so amazing, I thought - it’s not going to kill me to not know, really. And you ask for so little-” she protested and he shook his head with a soft smile, leaning over to kiss her softly. She smiled in return. So far her decision to convince him to stay had amounted to absolutely nothing. She really wasn’t sure how to go about it. Loving him was easy, but convincing him to fall in love with her, on the other hand, seemed almost insurmountable. She’d tried being a bit less hormonal and demanding - honestly who’s going to fall in love with a cranky fat woman who kept demanding things? - but sometimes things just happened without her consent. Words just popped out of her mouth, or tears just sprang to her eyes. She was a mess.
“You are amazing, River Song,” he smiled down at her and turned back to the technician. “We want to know the sex.”
“Are you sure John?” River gripped his hand harder as the technician draped tissue over her skirt, pulling it down and tucking it into the waist band before she lifted her shirt and did the same.
“Yes, I’m sure, it’s still a surprise. We should not tell Pond though,” he grinned and River rolled her eyes.
“You are terrible,” she scolded as the technician squeezed warm gel onto her stomach and picked up the wand.
“Ready Mum and Dad?” she asked with a smile and swung the monitor around so they would have to strain to see it. She pressed the wand to River’s belly, pushing down. It was a bit uncomfortable, but a familiar whooshing filled the room and John’s hand squeezed hers as the technician smiled at the screen. “And there’s baby.”
They both peered at the screen intently. It wasn’t much, grey on black on white on more grey but she could see parts moving and she gasped. “This,” the technician highlighted a small dark spot with the mouse, clicking to take an image with a beep, “is the heart,” she moved the mouse around the outline. “Head, and shoulders, arms and legs, and oh - well. Are we sure we want to know? Baby is being highly cooperative at the moment,” she smiled across at them but neither River nor John noticed, both staring at the screen in awe.
“Yes please,” River finally answered her in an excited voice and the technician laughed.
“You have a little girl.”
River felt her heart squeeze in her chest and tears filled her eyes as she stared at the screen with wonder. “Oh my god, she’s really real.” On the screen they could see the baby rolling and twisting and when River glanced at John his eyes were glued to the screen, tears to match her own pooled in them.
“Can you feel all of that - holy - I mean look at her go. She’s amazing,” he breathed the words out, his hands laced with hers painfully tightly. “Look at those legs River! She’ll be a footballer for sure,” he grinned and looked down at her as she beamed back.
“You’re not upset it’s a girl?” she asked in a whisper as the technician continued taking images. He gaped at her, laughing and shaking his head fiercely.
“Are you bloody kidding me River? Look at her - she’s perfect. Oh god, she can have your hair and your eyes and your - well, let’s be frank, your everything, I’m a train wreck. She’s going to be so beautiful. Our little girl, River. God I really hope she has your hair.” He grinned at her, leaning down and kissing her softly as she laughed.
“You are not a train wreck, sweetie. I happen to love your face,” she spoke in a whisper, her eyes glued to the screen once more. He made an inarticulate noise in the back of his throat and they both stared at the screen in awe. River kept stealing glances at him, staring with unabashed joy and love at the image of their daughter on the screen. She moved around and flipped and rolled, and they both watched, hands clasped and absolutely in love.
River just hoped and prayed that it was a feeling she could help him transfer over to her.
xx
She frowned at herself in the mirror, pulling the loose skirt tighter and staring down at her protruding stomach. At twenty-four weeks now, everything had changed. And other things... not so much. She was waiting for Amy to come over - she was in full on wedding planning mode now, having been in a state of planning bliss since Rory proposed nearly a month ago. Which was very good for River, because it meant Amy didn’t have the time to be nosing into River and John’s relationship.
Or lack thereof.
River sighed, dropping her skirt and frowning. It wasn’t that she and John weren’t still intimate, they were. The sex was possibly better than she’d ever had in her life, and she couldn’t quite decide if it was the pregnancy or John or a combination of both. “Probably both,” she murmured to her belly, moving down the hall and stroking softly as the baby rolled comfortingly under her palm.
John still hadn’t felt her move yet - she wasn’t strong enough to make her presence known, but she moved almost constantly - and River loved every moment of it. She talked to the baby all the time, John did too when he was here. He would kiss her belly and tell the as yet unnamed baby how much he loved her. He’d brought River several volumes of poetry and the complete works of Shakespeare and Austen just last week. He’d said they’d be reading inane children’s books soon enough, they should read her worthwhile things that don’t rhyme while they could. River had simply laughed and asked what sort of poetry didn’t rhyme, and he’d held up e.e. cummings and lifted his brows.
“We’re going to bake for Aunt Amy, since she always needs the sugar when planning,” River spoke to the baby as she pulled things out of the cupboards. She began mixing the ingredients for apple crumble together as she hummed and thought on her situation.
Try as she might - and oh lord she was trying - she couldn’t seem to get John to look at her any differently. He cared about her, she knew. He fetched her ice cream at inane hours, he’d not said anything when she’d sat down one night with an economy sized jar of pickles and ate the whole thing, only to be sick afterward as he’d held her hair and rubbed her back and made her tea. He always made sure she had milk, and custard and god help her, fish fingers. She also loved custard on fishcakes, and he simply dipped biscuits in the custard on the table and grinned at her. He rubbed her feet and legs, he drew her baths, he sang silly songs to the baby, and to her when she was particularly grumpy. He watched whatever films she wanted (though she was more likely to pick action or horror lately much to his delight. Anything else made her weep. She’d sobbed through I am Legend two days ago and he’d muttered about there being some sort of rule about no crying in zombie films), he researched birthing methods and interesting articles on the internet. He was basically, perfect.
But she couldn’t seem to get him to look at her and see a life partner, and not just his best friend who he happened to like shagging. He just... looked at her the same as he always had done, and she was getting frustrated by it all and increasingly desired to just tell him.
But the idea of telling him how she felt was absolutely terrifying. She was worried, and afraid that he would tell her he didn’t feel the same way. “Oh your Mummy is ridiculous, honey,” she pressed the crumble over the apples before bending awkwardly and sliding it into the hot oven.
“I have told you to call me for help with that,” his voice was a murmur in her ear as she stood, his arms sliding around her, cradling her stomach as he pressed his mouth against the side of her neck, kissing her softly.
“I can still bend over, for goodness sakes. As you well know,” she turned in his arms after making a note of the time and he grinned down at her his hands moving to her lower back as he rubbed small circles there. She leaned into him a bit, moaning.
“Yeah, I do know,” he chuckled into her hair and she hummed as he rubbed at her lower back and hips. “More planning today? How long should I hide for?”
“She’ll be here in about an hour, and I’m not sure,” she sighed softly, wrapping her arms around his waist as she pushed into him as closely as she could, what with her stomach in the way.
“Tell Pond I don’t like it, all this wedding planning is distracting you. We have to figure out a name for the poppet and you have to direct me about the nursery,” he pouted and she laughed, leaning her head back to look up at him.
“Don’t be daft - we have plenty of time for that,” she shook her head and he exaggerated his pout even more. She laughed, one hand gripping his ridiculous bow tie and tugging him down until she could kiss him, nibbling on that lower lip as his hands tightened on her back. He moaned, his mouth opening over hers as he kissed her back, and she slid her tongue along his with a hum. She licked at the inside of his mouth, and he pulled her closer.
“An hour, you say?”
“Crumble only takes twenty minutes to cook, sweetie,” she apologised as he kissed his way down her neck. He pulled away suddenly, opening the oven and grabbing pot holders to pull the baking dish out. He shut the oven again and turned toward her with a grin.
“You can put it in before she gets here, it’s better still warm, anyway.” He grinned as his hands stroked over her belly softly.
“So many things are sweetie,” she laughed and he growled in the back of his throat. “I can think of a few.”
“Good lord, what are you doing to me River Song? Everything about you right now,” he pressed kisses along her throat, down to her collarbones where he licked, his hands sliding up to palm her breasts gently as she moaned, her hands clutching at his shoulders for support. “Your voice, your hair, how you smile - god I can hardly look at you lately without being turned on.”
She cradled his face in her hands, pulling him up to kiss him as they stumbled back down the hall. He moaned into her mouth as her tongue intertwined with his, and she hummed in appreciation. His hands roamed her body, pulling back long enough to skim her top over her head as they entered the bedroom, and she tugged at his bow tie, swiftly unbuttoning his shirt and sliding her hands underneath, nails curling into his skin and scratching lightly as he hissed.
Their clothes were shed swiftly in between kisses and sighs, and his hands never stopped mapping her body as she moaned. She lay back on the bed, on her side with her arms around him as she pressed against him. One leg hooked over his knee as he gripped her hips, nibbling on her throat and nuzzling aside her hair to scatter kisses across her shoulders.
“John,” she gasped impatiently as his hands slid up to cup her breasts, fingers brushing softly over the sensitive peaks. “Oh god, sweetie, please, just - need you,” she moaned, her hips circling over his but he kept her at a distance.
“So impatient River, honestly. Can’t a man savour the moment?”
“Savour it afterward,” she grumbled but didn’t resist as his head lowered, and he kissed his way down her body. He paused to lick lightly at her breasts - they were so sensitive now he didn’t dare linger, and she gasped, twisting beside him as he dropped a kiss to her hip, and then the top of her thigh.
“Eager, are we Miss Song?” he breathed the words out over her, and the air stirred over her heated flesh as she whimpered.
“God, John, please,” she moaned the words and her fingers curled into the duvet, since she couldn’t reach him any longer. He grinned at her, his hand lifting her leg before he leaned forward, his nose brushing along her clit as she whimpered.
“Oh you are delicious, River,” he whispered into her skin just before he licked along her with the flat of his tongue, slipping in and out of all the right spots as she hummed in approval above him. She pressed her hips up as his tongue slid within her, licking and curling as his hands reached above to pinch at her clit, twisting tightly. He curled his tongue just so, twisting his fingers and she shook from the intensity of her building orgasm as she lost track of time.
“Oh god, just - more - John!” she gasped and sat up slightly, unable to keep still as his fingers slid over the sensitive bundle of nerves repeatedly, increasing in pressure as he moaned, the sound vibrating into her. “Oh god,” she stiffened, her back arched and hips thrust into his face as the pressure burst within her and he lapped at her gently as she rode out the wave of pleasure. He moved slowly, kissing his way up her body, but as soon as he was within reach she hauled him up to her level, kissing him ravenously, licking at him and sucking his tongue into her own mouth with a moan.
She wrapped her leg around his narrow hips, sliding her still soaked sex along his erection as he groaned, breaking away from her with a gasp. “Christ, sweetheart, you feel so god damn amazing,” he pressed his face into her hair as he shifted his hips in frustration. Facing her as he was, there was no way for him to move around her belly and he groaned. “Turn over love,” she complied almost as soon as he spoke, rolling onto her other side and pressing her arse against his erection eagerly. He moaned, lifting her leg with his hand as he pressed his chest against her back, sliding within her and pulling her hair aside with his other hand so he could press soft kisses to the side of her neck. “That okay?”
“Oh god, yes, move John,” she moaned, her head tossed back and pressing into his shoulder. He chuckled, but complied with her demands, his hips moving forward and pulling back, surging and receding within her as she shifted the angle of her hips to allow him more depth.
“I’ll never get over how amazing you feel, River. So full, so lush,” his hand left her thigh and danced up over her belly and breasts. “So gorgeous,” he moaned the words into her ear and she shivered against him, her muscles tightening and nipples hardening as she felt a tingling spill across her skin.
“John,” she panted his name over and over again, finishing that sentence in her head each time. I love you. His hips snapped into her, thrusting higher and deeper as her cries grew sharper. His hand slid down over the swell of her stomach gently, slipping between her legs to press and flick at her clit as he thrust, and she felt everything tighten in anticipation as she threw her head back with a loud moan. Everything stilled for a moment as he thrust sharply up one, his face pressing into her hair as he moaned her name and she fell apart, feeling the waves of her own orgasm undulate through her.
Afterward they lay, tangled and still breathing heavy on the sheets. Once he recovered, he slipped out of her, running into the washroom to wet a small facecloth with warm water before he came back in, wiping her down tenderly and settling the cloth aside as she kissed him. “I’m going to miss you today,” he whispered into her hair and she laughed softly.
“You’ll only be gone for a few hours, you ridiculous man.”
“Still,” he pulled back with a pout before sliding down the bed, and kissing the swell of her stomach. “If you called Pond and cancelled we could just lay here like this all afternoon. Much better than silly old wedding planning, isn’t that right poppet?” He kissed her belly, laying his face on the side of it gently as she stroked a hand through his hair, smiling down at him indulgently. Just then she felt a soft kick - the baby did love to kick and move more whenever John was around and talking to her and River smiled.
John gasped, lifting his head and staring down at her belly in wonder before looking at her, shocked. “I think I - did she just kick you?”
“Yes,” River looked at him with a grin. “Did you just feel it?” He giggled, looking up at her with a look of pure joy on his face, his eyes shining as he nodded, speechless. “Oh my god, John. Do it again. Talk to her - she loves it when you do - she always moves more. Come on, come on!” She insisted with a bright laugh and he looked back down at her belly, lowering his head and pressing a soft kiss to the spot he’d just been resting on.
“Hello poppet, are you saying hi to Daddy?” he whispered the words into her skin and River held her breath as they waited. “I love you,” he added and then - there - a small kick in the same spot and tears filled his eyes as he looked up at her. “Hello, baby!”
River pressed a hand to her mouth as she watched him, her smile tremulous as he giggled again. “Oh god, this is great! You can feel her.”
“Oh my god River, she’s amazing.” He lifted his head, putting his hand over her belly and another small kick came as he laughed, sliding up the bed, his hand still in place as he kissed River, the smile never leaving his mouth. “You’re amazing. River,” he looked at her seriously and she smiled up at him brightly. “I thought I’d be alone always, you know. I mean, I knew I had my friends - you and Amy and Rory but I never... never thought I’d ever have this. Thank you, so much. You didn’t have to let me do this with you, but you did and I am so - so privileged to be her father. And I’m going to be the best, I promise. I will take care of her, and you, and I’ll never ever let anything happen-”
“Oh sweetie, of course you won’t. You’re going to be a fantastic father. She loves you, already, she does. And even if we never had her, John - you were never alone,” she pressed her hands to his face looking at him seriously as their daughter continued to roll and move underneath his hand. “Not ever,” she shook her head and he stared down at her.
“It’s not the same. Friends - it’s not the same as family River. She’s a gift, and you gave that to me, and I-” his voice choked up a bit at that and she stared up at him, with tears in her eyes.
“It is the same John, you absolute idiot. Blood doesn’t make a family, love does. And Amy and Rory are as much my family as she is, or as you are. People like us, sweetie - people on their own - we have to create our own families. And you did. And she and you and I - we’ll be our own small family within the larger one we’ve already made. And that’s never going to go away, honey. She’ll always love you. I’ll always love you.” He looked down at that, fighting tears as he sniffled and shook his head.
He mumbled something and she pressed her palm to his cheek, forcing his eyes up to hers as she looked at him in question. He sighed and bit his lip, looking terrified. “Not the way I want,” he repeated more clearly, his voice still soft and she gasped.
Her breath caught in her throat as she stared at him. “How do you want me to love you?” she asked, swallowing heavily and he shifted, his hand still warm on her skin as he shook his head, unable to answer. Her heart hammered in her chest and she bit her lip, feeling ill. She had to - this was an opportunity. Now or never. But should she? A swift kick from the baby seemed to be an answer to her unasked question. “Because I don’t think I can love you any more than I do right now. Completely, John. Totally - oh god, I love you so much, it scares me. And I’m terrified of losing everything, even though I don’t really have it at all. Stupidly scared that some prettier, thinner, younger woman is going to come along and realise how magnificent you are, and I’ll have to just watch that happen, because it’s what I agreed to.”
His mouth was open as he stared at her in shock. She swallowed, feeling her stomach roll in a way that had nothing to do with her daughter and she licked her lips nervously as he continued to gape at her. “Are you - are you saying that - what I think you’re saying?”
“No! Wait, yes. Maybe?” she whispered faintly and he stared, the corners of his mouth curling up slowly.
“I’ve been in love with you since the day I met you, River. The - the moment I saw you, I knew. I tried to figure out how to meet you or get to know you, but I couldn’t until Amy and Rory and that account came along. And then - and then I thought I’d work my way up to it, you know? But you were never interested - you never saw me as anything other than flirty and not to be taken seriously John. And I was scared of losing all of you if I messed that up. So I just... didn’t do anything. And when you said you wanted to do this - I thought - I thought it was a way to have you. To- to-” he stopped and she stared at him breathlessly for a moment before leaning down to kiss him. His hands moved up to cradle her face as he kissed her back, his tongue wrapping around hers as she moaned. She poured every ounce of love she felt into that kiss, like she could crawl inside of him and never come out again, and she thought - what with the way her heart was caught in her throat - that part of her might have done just that. Crawled into his chest and settled there, right next to his own heart.
“You - oh god I’m an idiot-” she gasped as she pulled back and he pushed forward, kissing her again.
“No, you’re perfect, and I love you,” he whispered the words into her mouth and she grinned, laughter bubbling through her.
“I love you too, so much, sweetie. Oh god - I’ve been such an idiot. All this time I’ve been waiting for you to look at me differently when you didn’t need to - because you already felt the same.” He kissed her again, smiling fondly and pulling back to slide his hands down over her belly, where the baby kicked reassuringly and he grinned.
“I think she approves,” he beamed and she kissed him once more.
“Oh shit - I need my phone!” she exclaimed and he frowned in confusion.
“Mid a few pretty huge moments here, River, and you need your phone?” He scoffed and she laughed in delight.
“To call Amy. To cancel. Because there is no way I am doing anything but ensuring you stay naked and we make up for six months worth of I love you’s today.” He beamed up at her at her words, his whole face lighting up and she surged upward to kiss her.
“I bloody love you,” he murmured against her lips and she smiled, kissing him back.
“I know.”
(6/6)