hey
hey whats up guys nothing much going on had a fun day just sat around and had fun listening to music was hyper through out the day then made plans to hang out with natalie and crissy. i left around 7 or so to get my mom at work fairied her around a bit and then went and got natalie and crissy.then we hung out at my house and drank and stuff it was a blast crissy left and then me and natalie hung out for a few more till natalie layed down and like 2 minutes later she was out so i let her sleep she needs it shes exhausted so i sat here watching final destination 2 thats a good movie.well the movies over and my drunkness is settled and i just feel like shit not phsycally but mentally i have no one to talk to and im just flat out lonely i dont know really what to do im not tired or anything just really depressed i dont know why maybe it was just talking to crissy online about being alone for so long i hate it hate it so much i want to cry but i mustnt i must be strong theres no room for crying ive gotta be strong for me and even more i must be strong for my friends but deep inside i know its a sissy thing and not too "manly" but i just want someone to be ther to hold me and just cry till i cant anymore as i speak i want to but i resist too hard for words i might even have to stop typing just to calm down but even as we speak i am just numbing my self and making this feeling subside but in the end its a pointless battle and i cant keep it locked up forever i know one day im gonna be out somewhere and its just gonna happen and im going to feel 10 times worse about it and its not going to stop i just glad no one asks me whats wrong im glad i do my job and hide it from the world because in the end thats not what i want to be i do not want to burden anyone with my problems and yes i know i dont have it that bad ai have a good family though flawed they are still good to me and the few good friends i do have deserve to be praised higher than i cna give them andi couldnt ask for anyone better to be my friends but in the end im sstill alone so alone on the inside that it kills everything that was once the happy boy that was once inside of me and i know is some durranged and demented light jen is right i dont look at anything with that new glossy look and intrest even if i am intrested in everything its like im not theres only a little left to be happy about and those are my friends and family in the end i hope they are all there cause i cant do it by my self you know the saying in the end you can only truely count on yourself but i just cant i dont know how i cant just do it.and like i was saying earlier im glad no one asks me whats wrong and cant tell that im killing inside like a friend once said when someone asked her what was wrong "EVERYthing is wrong" i cant really explain it but i just hate it and my self loathing wont get me anywhere so i should just suck it up like am man. a soldier of fortune the nice guy who finishes last that one guy who gets the lucky last blank in a game of rulette as he sees his friends turn past and hits the floor spared but just by an inch and even though he feels bad about his friends death he is glad it wasnt him.i dont know what to tell youwho are reading this maybe ill be alright in the end maybe i wont maybe your thinking that this kid has issues well maybe i do i dont know but all i know is that i live for my friends and even more for that last shred of hope i have left and yes i know im hypocritizing or whatever my self i know ive said it a dozen times that hope is just false reassurance but goddamnit thats all i have left to work with so now i just sit here in my room natalie sleeping on my bed and listening to flaw wishing i had someone to talk to wishing she was up so i could tlak to her cause she seems to always be here talking to me nomatter if she isnt here and that great i just wish i had someone to talk to so i will leave you with all this to think that im crazy and depressed maybe i am but ill be damned if i give up now im just going to sit here and listen to flaw and "hope" not to cry and ill will let you know how that works out tomarrow