(no subject)
I realy hate this, you know its like Iam ok right now, a friend (ok well she is more than a friend) is here for another week, and well honestly I can actually smile around her, one of the only people I have ever founf that can make me smile, granted not all the time. But Im so comfortable around her. We are rather perfect for eachother, but well, things are so differnt also. That being she lives 2000 miles away, the age gap, adn our up bringings are different. I have not allowed mysefl to fall for her becuase well, (ok I am in love with her) she will just go away and that smile on my face will fade, ill miss it and Ill just get depressed even worse. I know that is what is going to happen but Ill stil fight it.
that fucking excuse for a T has no clue nor really wants to helpme. can I even be helped.
Ive been slowly withdrawing from everything. I jsut sit aroun the house now just lost in daydreams, not oding anythign for hours. Im slowly falling into maddness adn I can feel it. Looking back this is like my diary that has tracked my downward spiral, if ya could read back from when I started this till todays entry youd see it clear as day.
I dunno some days. I get so depressed I can cut. I want tto to feel that release but I cant do it. I just sit there staring at that fucking scalpel wanting that extremly dep gash to wash all this away,
Been planning SU, not wanting to plan it but the thoughts are always here (points towards his head) they wont get out. So ideas pop into my head. Urges more or less.
Before you tell me yes I know I belong in a mental hos, (ive known that for a while now) thing is they have flat out told me if I go back in there it isnt for a week, its for a month plus adn well, ID have no friends to talk to nobody to visit with, everyone I know that would care is online basicly. Sure there is a person or two thatd see me but they dont understand or care. they all think Im crazy, half expecting me to kill myself.
I feel like I am almost two distincly different people, almost to the point of havuing a multiple personality, or at leaste two differnt major moods, could this be bipolar. I dont know I dont want a freekin classification they have told me I am everythign just taking stabs in the dark OCD PTSD dsepression, bi-polar, borderline, skitso, anorexic, good lord you name it I bet I could find it in my medical records.
Just once Id liek to understand what goes on inside my own brain.
Tell me whay is it that I feel like this, why cant I beat this, Im such a weakling I jsut wine too much.
Ill shut the fuck up now.
that fucking excuse for a T has no clue nor really wants to helpme. can I even be helped.
Ive been slowly withdrawing from everything. I jsut sit aroun the house now just lost in daydreams, not oding anythign for hours. Im slowly falling into maddness adn I can feel it. Looking back this is like my diary that has tracked my downward spiral, if ya could read back from when I started this till todays entry youd see it clear as day.
I dunno some days. I get so depressed I can cut. I want tto to feel that release but I cant do it. I just sit there staring at that fucking scalpel wanting that extremly dep gash to wash all this away,
Been planning SU, not wanting to plan it but the thoughts are always here (points towards his head) they wont get out. So ideas pop into my head. Urges more or less.
Before you tell me yes I know I belong in a mental hos, (ive known that for a while now) thing is they have flat out told me if I go back in there it isnt for a week, its for a month plus adn well, ID have no friends to talk to nobody to visit with, everyone I know that would care is online basicly. Sure there is a person or two thatd see me but they dont understand or care. they all think Im crazy, half expecting me to kill myself.
I feel like I am almost two distincly different people, almost to the point of havuing a multiple personality, or at leaste two differnt major moods, could this be bipolar. I dont know I dont want a freekin classification they have told me I am everythign just taking stabs in the dark OCD PTSD dsepression, bi-polar, borderline, skitso, anorexic, good lord you name it I bet I could find it in my medical records.
Just once Id liek to understand what goes on inside my own brain.
Tell me whay is it that I feel like this, why cant I beat this, Im such a weakling I jsut wine too much.
Ill shut the fuck up now.