A week!! work and stuff .. dad and mum .. everything around me light at times but so down .. down
Wow =) I havent been here in a week! Thats like the longest I've gone not being in lj.
Nothing special happened during this time anyhoo ... except for weirdness with my dad and I. I have considered moving out. I really cant deal with him anymore. I don’t want this to be something I say I want to do and not do … but I’ll make a move after a month or 2 .. lets see how things go. If its with the new company it’d be great.
I hate sitting in my room or anywhere in my house knowing he is around .. listening to him yell at my mum pretty much everyday. Its soo frustrating. I just sit and listen to everything and hate myself for not saying anything. I’ve been afraid of him since -forever-
Even right now I’m typing this on my computer and can’t do it with the door closed. I’m not scared for me … I’m more scared for my mum and sad for her and this hatred for my dad keeps growing and growing.
When he’s at home I feel so pressured. I feel like my brain is being crushed inside my head.
I can’t sleep at night. I can hear my dad … I can always hear him shouting at my mum even when he isn’t I can hear him. I even dream about him being such a prick. I h a t e my dad.
I find myself filled with fear a lot lately ..
My mum has been dependent on people pretty much all her life. I don’t want that. I don’t want to have to live with my parents and depend on my dad for everything and the next person being my husband. I’m afraid to live my mum’s life. I want to change all of that … I need to be strong.
When I wake up in the morning my breasts feel like heavy rocks - I go to the bathroom with great difficulty every morning for the last few days. I have to wear a bra at all times just to be able to feel a bit light on my chest. For about an hour after I wake up I have trouble breathing.
I promise to comment and keep up with what I’ve missed this past week but 1st I’ve got a few things that need to be taken care at work. Dee is gone … I will leave in 2 days. Tomorrow is Christmas and I don’t feel Christmassy.
Everyone’s been nice to me at work lately (ever since they found out I’ll be leaving). There’s a new person in our office. His name is Daniel and his dad is one of the managers (sort of). They’re from New Zealand. His head is always down :-/ even though I see him everyday I feel like I don’t know what he looks like. I have this urge to ask him out :-/ not as a date … not sure as what :-/
I spent my weekend at Dee’s. It wasn’t too bad even though I was surrounded by people who barely spoke English (considering English is the only language I speak and stuff). Work was very bad that day (Thursday, also day when I went to Dee’s) Hanan and Samiya started fighting (it had to do with Dee) and then Vic came and Dee was in tears and he took her to his office & they got talking and she told him everything that’s been going on .. and he told her not to trust anyone in the office except me because I’m just like her … I’m not sure that’s a good or a bad thing.
I was very emo on Thursday (at work) and as the day passed I felt myself getting worse and worse. I also received an e-mail from Richie and I felt happy but after reading his e-mail I started crying. I didn’t know why though. Maybe I do …
I have been reading the paper about Soldiers having to celebrate Christmas here and their families back home in the US/ UK and its just soo sad. The closest they can get is talking to their wife’s and children over the phone.
I really want to send Richie something … something that isn’t too heavy or expensive but whtever it is would bring a smile to his face. I really want to make him happy .. or always be there to make him smile. I told him I’ll call him for Christmas and I’m out of cred’s and will get paid the day after :-(
Merry Christmas to everyone … Sorry this got a little long.
I said so much but its as though I didn’t say the one thing that’s bothering me so much right now … something is bothering me huge. Maybe its all that I’ve said here .. maybe its better to talk to someone than to write all this … I think I’ll just go and try to get some sleep.
Nothing special happened during this time anyhoo ... except for weirdness with my dad and I. I have considered moving out. I really cant deal with him anymore. I don’t want this to be something I say I want to do and not do … but I’ll make a move after a month or 2 .. lets see how things go. If its with the new company it’d be great.
I hate sitting in my room or anywhere in my house knowing he is around .. listening to him yell at my mum pretty much everyday. Its soo frustrating. I just sit and listen to everything and hate myself for not saying anything. I’ve been afraid of him since -forever-
Even right now I’m typing this on my computer and can’t do it with the door closed. I’m not scared for me … I’m more scared for my mum and sad for her and this hatred for my dad keeps growing and growing.
When he’s at home I feel so pressured. I feel like my brain is being crushed inside my head.
I can’t sleep at night. I can hear my dad … I can always hear him shouting at my mum even when he isn’t I can hear him. I even dream about him being such a prick. I h a t e my dad.
I find myself filled with fear a lot lately ..
My mum has been dependent on people pretty much all her life. I don’t want that. I don’t want to have to live with my parents and depend on my dad for everything and the next person being my husband. I’m afraid to live my mum’s life. I want to change all of that … I need to be strong.
When I wake up in the morning my breasts feel like heavy rocks - I go to the bathroom with great difficulty every morning for the last few days. I have to wear a bra at all times just to be able to feel a bit light on my chest. For about an hour after I wake up I have trouble breathing.
I promise to comment and keep up with what I’ve missed this past week but 1st I’ve got a few things that need to be taken care at work. Dee is gone … I will leave in 2 days. Tomorrow is Christmas and I don’t feel Christmassy.
Everyone’s been nice to me at work lately (ever since they found out I’ll be leaving). There’s a new person in our office. His name is Daniel and his dad is one of the managers (sort of). They’re from New Zealand. His head is always down :-/ even though I see him everyday I feel like I don’t know what he looks like. I have this urge to ask him out :-/ not as a date … not sure as what :-/
I spent my weekend at Dee’s. It wasn’t too bad even though I was surrounded by people who barely spoke English (considering English is the only language I speak and stuff). Work was very bad that day (Thursday, also day when I went to Dee’s) Hanan and Samiya started fighting (it had to do with Dee) and then Vic came and Dee was in tears and he took her to his office & they got talking and she told him everything that’s been going on .. and he told her not to trust anyone in the office except me because I’m just like her … I’m not sure that’s a good or a bad thing.
I was very emo on Thursday (at work) and as the day passed I felt myself getting worse and worse. I also received an e-mail from Richie and I felt happy but after reading his e-mail I started crying. I didn’t know why though. Maybe I do …
I have been reading the paper about Soldiers having to celebrate Christmas here and their families back home in the US/ UK and its just soo sad. The closest they can get is talking to their wife’s and children over the phone.
I really want to send Richie something … something that isn’t too heavy or expensive but whtever it is would bring a smile to his face. I really want to make him happy .. or always be there to make him smile. I told him I’ll call him for Christmas and I’m out of cred’s and will get paid the day after :-(
Merry Christmas to everyone … Sorry this got a little long.
I said so much but its as though I didn’t say the one thing that’s bothering me so much right now … something is bothering me huge. Maybe its all that I’ve said here .. maybe its better to talk to someone than to write all this … I think I’ll just go and try to get some sleep.