Darkly Dreaming Dexter, My Love.
Its been years since Ive written in this thing. Seems the only person still writing is Gabbie. Hoorah for Gabbie!
I know this is insane. It really is. And even more insane that I talk about it like its a casual thing. Im dead serious when I say this. But I think Im obsessed with Michael C. Hall. The actor who played David on Six Feet Under and plays as Dexter on the showtime show Dexter. And its not the usual "omg, hes so hot, I want to have his babies." No no. That kind of thing happens naturally when there is a hot man in sight. But this. Its different. I dream about him. I miss him throughout my day. I think about what hes doing. I research his entire life, past present and future all day at work. This just cant be normal. Manny actually fought with me about it. I just wont stop talking about him! Its insane! Its like I really think I will find him walking down the streets and hes going to fall madly in love with me. Oh God if Manny heard me now. He'd die. And get this. His ex wife was this smooshed faced blonde with a kinda muscular build, ugly as hell honestly. And now hes with his co-star Jennifer Carpenter (who plays his foster sister on the show, weird). If anyone watches the show, Jennifer is probably one of the ugliest women in the world. She has a chin wider than Jay Lenos, with thin little lips that expose her giant horse teeth at all times, a boyishly rail thin physique and a chest so flat and narrow you'd think she WAS a boy! Eww gross. I would cringe when there were close ups of her. Im dead serious. So hes with her. Which makes me think, cause I desperately need mental help, that he WOULD fall head over heels with me because, cmon, Im wayy prettier than those 2. For sure. I know this sounds crazy...it does. But I cant help it. The guy did something to me. I feel like Im back in 7th grade, when you have those crushes on guys you dont really know and like from a distance? Just like Coco. If anyone knows me, theyll remember my obsession with Coco aka Jair Franco. Its that same feeling. So check this out, I was freakishly looking for anything on the internet that suggested where Michael lives, (I know!) and I found some kid's blog that says, I mean he could be lying, but he claims to be his younger cousin. So yes, you are absolutely right if youre thinking I contacted the related blogger. That was today. Hopefully hell write back. I dont know what exactly Im trying to do, but its a good connection to have dont you think? Oh God. This is pathetic...really really pathetic. Im sure he wouldnt date me, not because Im way over his standards for looks, but most likely because Im a stalker. Ill just have to MAKE him like me....take some tips from the show....IM KIDDING! Im not that unstable! lol.
I heard a certain someone was in the hospital the other day for having a panic attack / nervous breakdown. Or what Id like to call, a desperate attempt to get attention. Its so sad. She has pushed everyone away. Everyone. And Im more than sure she doesnt think it had anything to do with her behavior. She needs help. Lots and lots of help. The only person that sticks around is that Ex of hers, and only because he is more fcuked up than her. Which makes the situation even more depressing and pathetic cause its obvious she doesnt even want to be with him. Its just easy for her to get what she wants out of him and she hates to be alone. My mom use to always tell me, I mean, like way back when, probably sometime during my middle school years, that she used me as her entertainment. To entertain her from boredom, and from lonliness. Someone she could keep close to manipulate and control with her sudden hissy fits, her constant explainations of how she feels, her judgemental comments of everyone even her closest friends due to her own insecurities and everything else in between. I feel a weight has been lifted from me. The dark, desolate energy that roamed through my life no longer hosts within me. The misery, the drama, the fake friendship, the backstabbing and all the lies are out. Its such a relief. This may come off as a horrible thing to say or feel towards someone, but I see it as I have the right to. More than anyone else, I do. Because Ive stuck through it and even DEFENDED it. All of the childish behavior, I accepted it. For way too long and doing it almost alone. There were only a few who could handle the repetitive infantile performances she dished out. It beat you down. Literally. My outside friends would tell me they were annoyed at the spell she had cast on me. I acted different, I said things I didnt mean, I agreed when I didnt want to agree and as I grew older, more secure of myself, I noticed it. It discusted me. How I let that happen. Even dreams I may have had were crushed because I let her affect me. I stopped playing guitar and singing cuz she always told me it was bad and that I didnt sing well, or play well. (so much for the friendly support, eh?) And I stopped. I cant believe myself. Anyway, I used to feel bad for her and its what she wants you to feel. So she can keep you around. But it had to end. Plus, she has no concept of what it is to be a true friend. Friends are her entertainment and disposal. There isnt any real emotion. And its certain that the next great thing comes into her life will make her push you out of the way, throw you under a bus and run you over with a tractor. With no regret, regard or sympathy. I dont feel bad anymore. At all. Its like a wave of calmness has enveloped my existence. Smooth and unwavering. Peace.
Oh Michael. Im thinking of you now...
I want to go home. Ive had this ache in between my shoulders that wont go away. A pulsating sting like a needle puncturing through and back beneath my skin. Maybe its from sitting at this computer desk for 6 hours with my forearms leveled on the desk and my finger tips tapping on the keyboard. I need to get out of this place. The routine is getting to be torturous.