my story

[falling2fast]

my mom and dad got married fairly young and then adopted me when they were both 40. when i was 18 months old my dad left my mom for my stepmom (who is 10 years younger.) my moms still pretty in love with my dad and wants everything he has. my dads now pretty well off in a very rich area of westchester county new york with a seven year old girl and a nine year old boy. i go down there on weekends when i can so he has 3 (if i might say) great kids. my mom however is not so well off. after my dad left she tried to start her own landscaping company and used credit cards to buy everything she needed. she started to go over her balances so she would get new credit cards and use them to pay off the other ones. right now i think she has about five not including the ones she uses for gas. she goes on unemployment every winter because of the feild shes in (there isnt any landscaping to do in the snow.) even though we dont have much money my mom wants to live as though we're millionares. she has more clothes than my stepmother and more stupid chachkas then anyone needs. we dont have any heat in our house because its all broken. so as cold as it is outside.. thats how i live. also living around our house we have rats, mice, hornets, termites, flying squirrels and who knows what else. to fix the heat the lowest estimate we've had was 50,000 dollars and my mom hardly makes 10,000 dollars in a year. our house is slowly falling down on top of us literally and somehow my mom manages to blame everything on me. i have to clean my room everyday which is completely expected but i dont think i should be expected to clean the laundry room, her office, and many other rooms in the house while she sits with her feet up reading a magazine and yelling at me. at the momeny my mom has about 100-200 dollars in her checking acount and has to use that to feed and clothe us both and pay all of the many bills that find their way to our mailbox. in our house we also have a man who is my mothers friend and doesnt have a job eating our food, sleeping on our couch, and pissing my mom off to no end. last year around this time we were in such financial trouble that my mom would cry herself to sleep every night. one night she had a friend over at around 3 in the morning and was asking her to take her to some kind of hospital. i heard most everything they were saying because i was sitting hidden on the stairs. she said she wanted to be taken away because she was afraid of what she would do if left alone with me. she said she didnt want either one of us to be in the pain we were in so she was going to kill me and then herself afterwards. this tramatized me as im sure you could figure out and soon after wards i tried to kill myself to make my moms life easier and escape my own misery by overdosing on a perscription drug. somehow it didnt work and im still here. at this time the one person i would normally talk to about anything wasnt talking to me at all and i didnt have anyone else to go to. i turned to self mutalation. i cut myself almost everynight in basically the same places. i became adicted to the pain an the image of blood coming from my skin. it went on for almost 5 months when i promised several people i cared deeply for that i would do everything in my power to stop. i wore rubberbands on my wrists and snapped them when i felt the urge to cut. (this i still do) eventually life got pretty good when my mom went back to work. over this past summer i had to do it again and i did. i watched it bleed for at least a half an hour and realized what i was doing. i let it heal and resorted back to the rubber bands. i left for camp and didn't have to associate with my mom at all for a hole 6 weeks. when i came back the pressure of not having enough money to eat a decent breakfast lunch and dinner hit me.
now i cry for my mom and i cry for myself. sometimes i think id be better off underground. im happy to have those who care for me but its not going to change who i am. when i became old enough to see how in trouble my mom was it hit me how hard it was affecting me. i developed some form of depression and i dont think thats ever going to leave me. at the moment im pretty stable until i lie down and close my eyes.

-i dont know if you actually read this or not. if you did im glad because it shows you are my true friends. thanks for listening