The First Confession
I was hoping to start off with some magical piece of writing. Something that would somehow be a little masterpiece for me to be proud of. Almost like what I put on my xanga, only something better, and not written for school.
So much for that.
There are so many things I could be doing right now, to actually achieve my goal of being a good, hardworking student. On top of all the schoolwork, of course. But I dunno, temptation's as strong as it's ever been, and this time, sadly, it's starting to win.
In light of my most recent report card, I wonder if it's any use to keep trying insanely. If it's worth it, really. Take, for example, my global studies project. I'm supposed to read a book and summarize it. Of course the majority of people with this assignment will merely skim the book and find main points and summarize it and still get full credit for it. That's the smart thing to do. And that option is open to me. But instead, I'm most likely going to read the entire two-hundred and sixty seven page book.
Is that worth it?
What could I possibly get out of it? My grade won't gain anything if I do it the other way. My paper might be a little less detailed and all, but I doubt that it'd make much of a difference. The teacher would never know, certainly. And at this rate, I'm definitely not getting an A+ in global studies, so... why bother?
I honestly don't know. There's this practical side of me, screaming at myself for stupidly taking on extra work that won't even matter in the end. I'm just wasting my time, it tells me. It's an investment that returns nothing. But then, the old self is as stubborn as ever, and simply won't give up. The one that was top of the class, the one that had top-notch grades, the one that really cared. I guess, also, the one that was slightly vain. You should know that nothing flatters the student more than a neatly typed plus right next to the letter grade. Nothing better boosts the ego.
And then there's the fact that I don't really stand out. Mentioned it on my xanga, I think. It's kind of irksome.. and the competitive, vain side of me gets pretty ugly. I don't really recall having such problems with it before, but that was before. I'm wondering if I can grow to control it. Jealousy's a lingering, stable companion of mine. Oh, that and the bathroom stalls.
I'm kind of mad at myself, I guess. But then again, I'm not really angry. I'm more... no, depressed isn't even the word. More like subdued, I guess. Humbled. Defeated. You pick a word.
So much for that.
There are so many things I could be doing right now, to actually achieve my goal of being a good, hardworking student. On top of all the schoolwork, of course. But I dunno, temptation's as strong as it's ever been, and this time, sadly, it's starting to win.
In light of my most recent report card, I wonder if it's any use to keep trying insanely. If it's worth it, really. Take, for example, my global studies project. I'm supposed to read a book and summarize it. Of course the majority of people with this assignment will merely skim the book and find main points and summarize it and still get full credit for it. That's the smart thing to do. And that option is open to me. But instead, I'm most likely going to read the entire two-hundred and sixty seven page book.
Is that worth it?
What could I possibly get out of it? My grade won't gain anything if I do it the other way. My paper might be a little less detailed and all, but I doubt that it'd make much of a difference. The teacher would never know, certainly. And at this rate, I'm definitely not getting an A+ in global studies, so... why bother?
I honestly don't know. There's this practical side of me, screaming at myself for stupidly taking on extra work that won't even matter in the end. I'm just wasting my time, it tells me. It's an investment that returns nothing. But then, the old self is as stubborn as ever, and simply won't give up. The one that was top of the class, the one that had top-notch grades, the one that really cared. I guess, also, the one that was slightly vain. You should know that nothing flatters the student more than a neatly typed plus right next to the letter grade. Nothing better boosts the ego.
And then there's the fact that I don't really stand out. Mentioned it on my xanga, I think. It's kind of irksome.. and the competitive, vain side of me gets pretty ugly. I don't really recall having such problems with it before, but that was before. I'm wondering if I can grow to control it. Jealousy's a lingering, stable companion of mine. Oh, that and the bathroom stalls.
I'm kind of mad at myself, I guess. But then again, I'm not really angry. I'm more... no, depressed isn't even the word. More like subdued, I guess. Humbled. Defeated. You pick a word.