you can breathe, you can breathe now (but the air is running out)
Yannow what I hate? I hate when I write something perfectly, all my thoughts in place, and then somehow it deletes before I can save it. Wonderous. And you can never repeat it, yannow? Everything seems choppy after that first perfect draft.
But I shall try again anyhow.
How is life, you might ask? Life is freakin CRAZY. Look at where I am; bloody NEW YORK! My god. It's everything I've hoped for my whole life, it's like I'm actually beginning. Not that other events in my life haven't had any impact. One of the most important events of my life is still the '04-'05 Renaissance Faire experience. I learned so much from that; it molded my future self. I am proud to say that I have grown so much from who I was then. I will treasure and carry those times with me for the rest of my life.
I hate that at a time like this I still have unhappy days where all I want to do is sob. Yesterday was one of those days, and really, it almost upsets me more that I feel like that then what's going on to make me feel that way. Does that make sense? I don't know, it's like I know what's going on with me, but it's so deep down and encrusted and I'm not sure how to wipe it away. I want to be fresh and vibrant and alive, and I want that every day. But I guess that just doesn't always happen.
I am excited beyond belief, however. I love my NYFA friends; it's going to be so sad at graduation. I hope some of these relationships become bonds that can't be broken just by not seeing each other every day. I hope everyone becomes successful in what they want to do, and that we can have chances to work with each other in the future. How wonderful would that be? I can see how some of these people have just the greatest character and it's so interesting to watch them; I know they'll be successful. Like Jenna! I wish that girl wasn't so self conscience (i think thats the wrong spelling). She is so entertaining to watch. But anyway, I have three different connections with people that I don't want to lose, and it may not be the people you think. Ha.
So...yeah. I think everything will work out okay. No matter what, I kinda know, I've always known, what I want to do with myself. I want to travel all over. I don't want to stop. I want to go from NY to CA to New Mexico, all acoss the states, to London, to Dublin to Sydney, Paris to Holland, and Switzerland, to Mexico (only with an escort. ha), and of course my dream home, New Zealand above all else. I don't want to stop moving, I don't want to settle down. At least not for years and years. I imagine how I want to live when I'm old and gray; I want my little cottage in a NZ forest somewhere, all by myself with the mystical woods filled with nymphs and faeries and all things beautiful and magickal to befriend me in the end days of my life. That is what I want. That is what I've always wanted.
It's funny to think, though. I love my independence. I love to do things my way, when I want to. If I want to go somewhere I will without guilt. But I love love, and friendships. I don't want to lose them. The people I feel close to are precious to me. I have to get better are staying in contact, because I truly lack in that. I can be a lazy person when it comes to such things, but it doesn't mean I don't care or am not thinking about you. And the love thing...what do do about the love thing? That is hard, because if you are in love, and have that perfect person, you have to be able to understand....I can't settle down. It's not in my nature. Even if I have children one day (and I do. I really, truly do. I really want to raise children, because I think I could do it well. I think I could pass on wonderful ideals and love to them. I think I could do a great job. But everytime I think of kids, I think of myself as a single Mom. I want to raise the kids MY way, with no interference. And not everyone shares my views and opinions of the world we live in) I want to stay on the run. I don't want to ruin their lives by being unstable, but unless I find the perfect place, I can't imagine ever feeling satisfied anywhere. I CAN be satisfied, for a week, a month, maybe more, but usually not for long. I always feel restless. I always want to go somewhere else.
So that's my life...it's unnerving. I WANT to feel, satisfied. Though I am only 21. I have time. Or maybe I'll be like this forever. The only time I feel kinda settled is when I think of my retirement. Because I KNOW, I just KNOW, that I'll be happy, if I get what I imagine. If I can be alone with nature all around me, magick and life and dreams surrounding me, I know I'll feel peaceful. I'm okay with death, if death is the releasing of me into dreams. Man, even when I imagine the scenario in my head (my old age and home), I feel so calm. I just pray that the world won't be too changed/destroyed by that time, that everything will be lost. What a horror to think about. Let's pray that in sixty years everything will still be kinda okay. Ha.
So....yeah. I've talked too much. Long live today. Because today is all you've got. So live it to the fullest, and do everything you can with it. I like that philosophy too. Because I do believe that, even though I'm always living one foot into the future. I love today, I love the journey. It amazes me.
I'm just one big contradiction. :D
But I shall try again anyhow.
How is life, you might ask? Life is freakin CRAZY. Look at where I am; bloody NEW YORK! My god. It's everything I've hoped for my whole life, it's like I'm actually beginning. Not that other events in my life haven't had any impact. One of the most important events of my life is still the '04-'05 Renaissance Faire experience. I learned so much from that; it molded my future self. I am proud to say that I have grown so much from who I was then. I will treasure and carry those times with me for the rest of my life.
I hate that at a time like this I still have unhappy days where all I want to do is sob. Yesterday was one of those days, and really, it almost upsets me more that I feel like that then what's going on to make me feel that way. Does that make sense? I don't know, it's like I know what's going on with me, but it's so deep down and encrusted and I'm not sure how to wipe it away. I want to be fresh and vibrant and alive, and I want that every day. But I guess that just doesn't always happen.
I am excited beyond belief, however. I love my NYFA friends; it's going to be so sad at graduation. I hope some of these relationships become bonds that can't be broken just by not seeing each other every day. I hope everyone becomes successful in what they want to do, and that we can have chances to work with each other in the future. How wonderful would that be? I can see how some of these people have just the greatest character and it's so interesting to watch them; I know they'll be successful. Like Jenna! I wish that girl wasn't so self conscience (i think thats the wrong spelling). She is so entertaining to watch. But anyway, I have three different connections with people that I don't want to lose, and it may not be the people you think. Ha.
So...yeah. I think everything will work out okay. No matter what, I kinda know, I've always known, what I want to do with myself. I want to travel all over. I don't want to stop. I want to go from NY to CA to New Mexico, all acoss the states, to London, to Dublin to Sydney, Paris to Holland, and Switzerland, to Mexico (only with an escort. ha), and of course my dream home, New Zealand above all else. I don't want to stop moving, I don't want to settle down. At least not for years and years. I imagine how I want to live when I'm old and gray; I want my little cottage in a NZ forest somewhere, all by myself with the mystical woods filled with nymphs and faeries and all things beautiful and magickal to befriend me in the end days of my life. That is what I want. That is what I've always wanted.
It's funny to think, though. I love my independence. I love to do things my way, when I want to. If I want to go somewhere I will without guilt. But I love love, and friendships. I don't want to lose them. The people I feel close to are precious to me. I have to get better are staying in contact, because I truly lack in that. I can be a lazy person when it comes to such things, but it doesn't mean I don't care or am not thinking about you. And the love thing...what do do about the love thing? That is hard, because if you are in love, and have that perfect person, you have to be able to understand....I can't settle down. It's not in my nature. Even if I have children one day (and I do. I really, truly do. I really want to raise children, because I think I could do it well. I think I could pass on wonderful ideals and love to them. I think I could do a great job. But everytime I think of kids, I think of myself as a single Mom. I want to raise the kids MY way, with no interference. And not everyone shares my views and opinions of the world we live in) I want to stay on the run. I don't want to ruin their lives by being unstable, but unless I find the perfect place, I can't imagine ever feeling satisfied anywhere. I CAN be satisfied, for a week, a month, maybe more, but usually not for long. I always feel restless. I always want to go somewhere else.
So that's my life...it's unnerving. I WANT to feel, satisfied. Though I am only 21. I have time. Or maybe I'll be like this forever. The only time I feel kinda settled is when I think of my retirement. Because I KNOW, I just KNOW, that I'll be happy, if I get what I imagine. If I can be alone with nature all around me, magick and life and dreams surrounding me, I know I'll feel peaceful. I'm okay with death, if death is the releasing of me into dreams. Man, even when I imagine the scenario in my head (my old age and home), I feel so calm. I just pray that the world won't be too changed/destroyed by that time, that everything will be lost. What a horror to think about. Let's pray that in sixty years everything will still be kinda okay. Ha.
So....yeah. I've talked too much. Long live today. Because today is all you've got. So live it to the fullest, and do everything you can with it. I like that philosophy too. Because I do believe that, even though I'm always living one foot into the future. I love today, I love the journey. It amazes me.
I'm just one big contradiction. :D