. i'm writing one great so- the phone rings. Yes.
I hate, hate HATE taxes. I really, truly do. Every time I try to do them online, it seems like I should just do them on paper. So I'm gonna try that. I'm just getting really pissed off. Grr.
So yesterday I was at me Mum's, then with Loryn (w/Sarah, Ian, and Adam) for a bit, and then came home to do some crap (and rock to RENT) and then in the end I ended up going over by Ruben's across the street.
It's funny, how excited I am every time I begin the original flirt sequences, that first date, that first kiss, yadda yadda. And then once I actually have the person it all goes to hell and I feel like I don't want it anymore.
What the FUCK is wrong with me?
I wonder if I'll EVER be satisfied, with anyone. If anyone will ever work for me, ever. Because as of right now, my image of being a single mother in the future is looking pretty likely. How come I do this? Seriously?
I felt so depressed this morning. I don't know how this relationship is going to go, I don't know what I'm doing in life at all, all I know is that I want to run and escape and go somewhere else. My friends, my family, my jobs, everything, it's just stinging and doesn't seem to matter. Everything is falling away. I can't stand thinking like this, I really can't. When I came home there was this long note on the door from Kathy telling me what to do with the stuff that's in my room and if it's not done in a week them i'm being kicked out and I really just want to say "fuck you, bitch" and punch her, because I really, really distrust and dislike this thing that inhabits my home. I'm so violent. If I could punch her and get away with it, I would. I would just knock her out, because of all the shit she pulls, she seriously deserves it. I despise that thing.
So, I lay there for a while, listening to RENT, wishing I could just drop everything and drive away, to somewhere, I'm not sure where. And I hate more than anything feeling that way, because I feel so trapped, so lost, so not of myself. Last summer I felt that way for a long time, and at some moments since then, but not strong emotions. But now, I'm feeling it all over again, though I'm unsure why, really. But like I said, everything just seems to be falling apart.
if only...